when gf says shes too focused on her new job and just wants to be friends?

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

Well shes not messaged all week, so that shows she is just forgetting now. Id be very surprised if she randomly messaged in the weekend..

 

Irrational thinking.

 

People don't typically forget exes or the experiences she shared with you.

Did you forget your previous ex and the good/bad times you shared? Did you forget people you knew in highschool?

 

She is staying away because she knows it's the right thing to do, given how she feels. If she came back, she'd only be an ex who no longer wants to be with you with plans to move on and you'd be stuck around her knowing that. You wouldn't be happy. Whether she's around you or not though, she is planning to move on. You know you can't handle that which is why you set your terms and remained silent when she reached out.

 

Currently you're using No contact as means to make her miss you and to coerce her back into your life. You're doing it for her, not for yourself. You should be doing it for yourself. I know you can't help feeling this way in the beginning but you should be aware of how you are bs'ing yourself so that you can try to keep yourself aligned on the right track.

 

Don't allow your mind to play tricks on you.

Edited September 19, 2019 by Beachead

[mrlee123]

@thefinalword

 

Thank you so much for your advice and kind words, i appreciate you taking the time to respond buddy. First off, she wont let her family pay off the loan because its her own problem signing the document to say she would pay if her ex didnt. Her family have already offered but she refused and wants her ex to pay. I genuinely do believe that she hasnt done anything with him.. mainly because he has mental issues, drugs and has caused her family so much hassle and annoyed her mother who she sees as her best friend and everything. Her family hate him so much and i do believe her when she says she does too but is just playing the long game with him so that he keeps the payments up.. once thats done she will dissapear away from him. Right now im not talking to her at all, shes not talking to me either so its obvious she wants nothing else. If she messages this weekend i would be surprised and it will just show that she only messages when shes bored or to see if im still there. I honestly dont know how this will work out..

 

The part where you said shes not mature enough i definetly agree on that, shes started her first new job at an older age... shes stressed about that. She told me some time ago she didnt want to settle down and get serious because she wanted to see the world with me first and we only been together a year so she wasnt ready. I was fine with that because i felt the same.. i would liked to have seen places with her first. She still lives with her parents...

 

Im not sure if shes doing NC as she knows its the right thing to do.. or of she is actually doing it as she wants to focus on her work and other things during the week then when she gets bored on the weekend messages me.. i guess i will see this weekend. If not then i know not to expect anything ever again..

Edited September 19, 2019 by mrlee123

[manfrombelow2]

When your girl says she wants to "be friends," all you need to (and have to) do is send her a text with this formula:

 

"Honey, I love you and I seriously want to build a lasting and stable relationship with you, that's why I won't accept friendship or anything like that. Let me know when you have changed your mind. Best of lucks."

 

And then you walk away, never look back, go out and date other women and do everything you like to improve yourself.

 

You don't argue, you don't try to beg her to stay, you don't do "the talk", you don't do nothing beside accepting her wish and let her go.

 

That's the only correct formula for such a case like OP's, but most of us are just too blind and overwhelmed by emotions to see.

[stillafool]

Unrequited love is very painful mrlee; I feel for you.

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

Im not sure if shes doing NC as she knows its the right thing to do.. or of she is actually doing it as she wants to focus on her work and other things during the week then when she gets bored on the weekend messages me.. i guess i will see this weekend. If not then i know not to expect anything ever again..

 

No, it's not the latter. Her lack of presence has very little to do with her job. People talk to who they want to talk to. They'll make it happen, even if they're busy.

 

She's not reaching out to you because of what happened. Look at her actions. She broke up with you, then continued talking to you, suggesting you should be friends. Not long after that, she tells you to move on and blocks you on whatsapp, only to unblock you again and message you on her birthday. Her anxiety's high and she's very conscious about every interaction she has with you. She probably thinks twice before she shooting you a message. But when she reached out on her birthday and you ignored her, you snapped some sense into her and she realized she needed to get it together. You being strong, allowed her to be strong in enforcing her own decision to leave and that's what she's trying to do.

 

Still, I wouldn't be surprised if she contacted you again. Whether that means she interested in trying again or just reconnecting to use you, remains to be seen. But unless she wants to get back together, I wouldn't bother..and I wouldn't wait on her.

Edited September 19, 2019 by Beachead

[mrlee123]

Oh im not going to wait on her... she knows how i feel about this and she knows i cant stay as just friends. If she texts me on the weekend thrn that just shows she reaches lut for when it suits her... i cant see her doing that now though as it will be awkward for her to start a conversation out of nowhere.

[TheFinalWord]

What I mean about the loan, is that she can sign the documents, but her mom can handle the logistics of e-mailing him, meeting up with him, etc. It's just like if you have your things at your exes place. You can have a friend pick up your stuff so you don't have to interact with them. Otherwise, I think she is using that as a way to keep him in her life. She's doing the same thing to you BTW by providing little glimmers of hope with messages. Women tend to do this when they are in their party years. They want to keep trying out other men, but they also want to keep you on the back burner if they can't find anyone better, or if they change their mind. Make it clear with your actions, you won't be a back up option.

 

In terms of seeing things with her, do you mean traveling together or are you talking about an apartment she is going to live in? Yes, at 1 year, I think that is too quick to get married. You need at least 2 or 3 years of dating. At 1 year the honeymoon stage is still kind of there. I always say you need to see how the person deals with conflict and issues. You have your answer there. When you guys hit a bump, her response was to dump and bolt.

 

I hate when people say "settle down." It makes it sound like the person thinks you want to work a 9 to 5, come home and watch TV with a bed time. I doubt that is what you want. What you do want is to build something real with her, but she doesn't want that. To me, that's code for she wants to date other types of men to see if you are really what she wants. F that noise. That may sound reasonable, but all that means for her is more emotional pain, damage, and more ex boyfriends some other guy is going to have to deal with in the future. You can already see she doesn't make good decisions about men. You're probably the first solid guy she's dates, but she has that bad boy itch where she wants to date men that she needs to repair and fix. Classic sign of immaturity and I hate to break it to you, the women that do this (we call it riding the CC), don't wake up until they're in their mid to late 30s or 40s, and by then they can't find a man of value.

 

I think that even if you have a chance to get her back, you have to ask if you really want her or not. She doesn't know what she's wants, which is okay. But while she's figuring it out, she ends up wracking up more damage by dating low quality men like her ex.

 

I don't know if she is doing NC. What she wants to do is put you on ice. She wants you to still be there in case she changes her mind. You have to show her through your actions, that she can't have her cake and eat it too. Stick to NC and you told her you are only meeting/talking if she wants to go on a date. Don't become her phone buddy or friend that she can keep on ice while she explores her options. Keep your self-respect buddy and good luck!

[mrlee123]

Thanks man, well she thinks the world of her mom and wants less stress on her as possible.. she would never let her mom go to him or text him on her own.. shes stubborn so wants to sort it herself.

 

And yes i meant travelling, but I do agree shes not ready for that ultimate serious relationship which is fine because I would be happy to travel first and have fun. Shes never been a huge party girl, she sometimes goes out for a drink but not much. All I got from her last week was that she doesnt want a relationship with anybody anytime soon, wants to focus and get less stressed on her job as shes passionate about it, spend time with her family and go to watch football games with her mom on the weekend. She told me to move on as she doesnt think she will change soon but she doesnt know... she then small talked me the next night lol. So all of those things shes chosen and erased me out of it, I have so much anger but Im gonna rise above it. If she does contact me im not replying. I just find it difficult how after everything she is moving on so easy.

[Highndry]

...I just find it difficult how after everything she is moving on so easy.

 

 

It's simple. She broke up with you because she's not attracted to you anymore, so it's not difficult for her. The only thing she may struggle with is a bit of guilt for hurting you.

 

Think of it in these terms: Have you ever had a woman you're not attracted to show interest in you, and you did your best to be nice but avoided her and her advances? That's pretty much the way a woman feels after she dumps you. She doesn't want you anymore, so it's easy to move on. She's focused on the future, not the mistake she thinks she made in the past.

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

Anger is good in this situation. Let yourself feel it and use it to work on yourself and to stay away from her. Something I recommend you to do is to try and change your routine up from the one you had with her to an entirely new one. Your current routine was something you were doing while she was with you. Changing that routine up will mean you get to live a different kind of life that isn't associated with her. I recall you mentioning you stay active already..you should switch up some of those activities. Try something new. Something challenging. Allocating brainpower to the stresses and anxieties that new routine may cause, will help take your mind off of her, and at the same time, bring you something new into your life; new skills, new people etc.

 

All I got from her last week was that she doesnt want a relationship with anybody anytime soon, wants to focus and get less stressed on her job as shes passionate about it, spend time with her family and go to watch football games with her mom on the weekend.

 

She could still do those things with her mom and have a relationship with you. It just came down to her not wanting a relationship with you. She only said that stuff lighten the blow. It was bs.

 

I just find it difficult how after everything she is moving on so easy.

 

Not at all. Being the dumper, she leads the breakup, knowing what she wants, why she wants it, and where this is going to go while you are at the mercy of that lead.

 

She just had a head start on getting over you and preparing for single life, because she did it in the relationship, without your knowing. She did her grieving in the relationship as well. By the time she pulled the plug, she was largely over you, apart from a couple of things she had to sort out.

 

You on the other hand, had no idea this was happening so you didn't start at all. It was sudden, it shocked you and you plunged into denial immediately after. You'll have to spend a few months coming to terms with what happened, and burning that underlying hope you have, before you start really healing up.

 

Don't compare your progress to hers, when she had a significant advantage in the healing/grieving process. It's not fair to you.

Edited September 20, 2019 by Beachead

[assertives]

Thanks man, well she thinks the world of her mom and wants less stress on her as possible.. she would never let her mom go to him or text him on her own.. shes stubborn so wants to sort it herself.

 

This may not be so much about "being stubborn", but more like she created this mess, she'll deal with it on her own and not let her mom clean up the mess for her. I personally don't see anything wrong with this behaviour though.

 

Also, you have mentioned alot of times in your posts how she's rash and make impulsive decisions. Frankly, if you thought her decision to break up was an impulsive one, you should also consider maybe her decision to start an relationship with you before the loose ends with her ex is tied-up was an impulsive one too. Maybe she's not ready to be in a relationship yet.

 

In any case, she's told you in no uncertain terms not to wait and to move on. I'd say she does knows exactly what she wants, the small talk is her keeping you in her life as a friend, an old boyfriend. And there's nothing wrong with that. People are telling you to move on and block her to protect you because you'll clearly be hurt by that as you don't want the same things as her and you are still holding on to hope.

Edited September 20, 2019 by assertives

[mrlee123]

It's simple. She broke up with you because she's not attracted to you anymore, so it's not difficult for her. The only thing she may struggle with is a bit of guilt for hurting you.

 

Well when we spoke on the phone last week she said she was still attracted to me... like i said im not pushing it, Im not reaching out so im just leaving her to it right now and seeing what will happen, if i dont get anything this weekend I will know she wont reach out again.

[elaine567]

She just had a head start on getting over you and preparing for single life, because she did it in the relationship, without your knowing. She did her grieving in the relationship as well. By the time she pulled the plug, she was largely over you, apart from a couple of things she had to sort out.

 

You on the other hand, had no idea this was happening so you didn't start at all. It was sudden, it shocked you and you plunged into denial immediately after. You'll have to spend a few months coming to terms with what happened, and burning that underlying hope you have, before you start really healing up.

 

Don't compare your progress to hers, when she had a significant advantage in the healing/grieving process...

 

^Yes.

OP

She made the decision to break up with you. She doesn't want you any more.

Dumpees make the mistake that they think the heart ache is split right down the middle with both parties grieving equally.

Its not true. The dumpee cannot believe that they are in hell and the dumper is doing fine.

The reality is the dumper by the time the split happens is no longer emotionally involved.

They wanted the split, they are finished with you, they want to move on with their life, there is nothing left for them in the old relationship.

They may get a little sad or nostalgic or lonely at times, but they don't want to restart the relationship, that is often the last thing they want.

They are thus miles ahead in the grieving process, if indeed they are grieving at all.

Romantic love goes, it often goes weeks, months, even years before an actual spilt, she told you she thought of you as a friend way before the split.

When people reject you, that is your cue to walk away and forget them.

Dating is the time to assess compatibility, it is not about finding someone and sticking to them like glue even when they tell you they only see you as a friend or they tell you they are done.

[mrlee123]

And to my shock.. she now texts to ask what im doing this weekend lol..

[ExpatInItaly]

But you were hoping to hear from her, no?

 

Unfortunately OP, I think you're going to find that this won't end well. She might keep in touch for a bit, but how will you feel when the time comes that you don't hear from her for many days? Or weeks? Or when you learn she has met another guy?

 

Please tread cautiously with this. I know you're probably riding the sudden high that comes when a dumper gets in contact, but do keep both feet on the ground here. She sounds mixed up at best, and trying to keep you on the back-burner at worst.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

And to my shock.. she now texts to ask what im doing this weekend lol..

 

What did you say back to her?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I just find it difficult how after everything she is moving on so easy.

 

This is a very normal feeling to have after being dumped. We've all experienced this. It fades, I promise. But only if you stop giving in to her breadcrumbing.

[Highndry]

This is a very normal feeling to have after being dumped. We've all experienced this. It fades, I promise. But only if you stop giving in to her breadcrumbing.

 

 

He is waiting with baited breath for her every contact, as evidenced by this thread. He's making things so much harder on himself. "You can lead a horse to water...."

[Blanco]

If she's not looking to reconcile, I've officially shifted my opinion to her being selfish. OP shouldn't really be leaving the lines of communication open, but he has been pretty clear what he wants from this. By now, if his ex isn't wanting to reconcile, she's showing how she's only considering how she feels by continuing to reach out.

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

And to my shock.. she now texts to ask what im doing this weekend lol..

 

You don't respond to that no matter what.

 

Also heed ExpatnItaly's advice regarding this..

 

Unfortunately OP, I think you're going to find that this won't end well. She might keep in touch for a bit, but how will you feel when the time comes that you don't hear from her for many days? Or weeks? Or when you learn she has met another guy?

 

Please tread cautiously with this. I know you're probably riding the sudden high that comes when a dumper gets in contact, but do keep both feet on the ground here. She sounds mixed up at best, and trying to keep you on the back-burner at worst.

 

I know the trap she's talking about. Your ex may continue to message you just like this and you're going to get real comfortable expecting those messages. It's going to going to give you a false sense of "feeling good" because it boosts your ego. There will be a time she will stop. There is no if, and, or buts about it. It'll happen. How are you going to deal with that?

 

Be ready for it.

[preraph]

If you're going to respond, it should get right to the point. "I don't know what I'm doing this weekend. Why don't you come over and have sex with me?"

[stillafool]

I agree preraph followed by "otherwise please don't contact me."

[mrlee123]

I just didnt reply

[Highndry]

I just didnt reply

 

 

I think it's a poor move. In your case, a "thanks for inquiring, but I told you I don't want to be friends. Unless you're contacting me because you want to resume our relationship, please do not contact me again" would get you exactly where you want to be. No more guessing why she's contacting you, etc.

[Marc878]

It's just a breadcrumb no need to guess.

 

Ignoring is your best path