when gf says shes too focused on her new job and just wants to be friends?

[fromheart]

A lot of men (seems mostly men to me) don't understand loss of spark. They think how they act should be all there is. Not even.

 

True. Many women think all they have to do is put on make up. Doesn't work that way.

[fromheart]

Yeah, well she hasnt said anything in 2 days now.. so I guess this is where she stops talking.

 

Good. And I'd really recommend telling her to not contact you, unless she wants to get back together. If that's what you want.

 

Do not react to breadcrumbs, you want the main course or you'll eat elsewhere. Make this very clear to her, that you will not have your precious time wasted.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

But I don't see where she ------ everything up and she probably wouldn't either. She just decided she wanted to be free to do her own thing.

 

Agree. That attitude is what's ------- up. Like she doesn't know her own mind and she will "come to her senses." Pretty insulting to her.

[Marc878]

From what I've seen the dumpee wants it to be their fault so they can fix it.

 

Or the bigger problem of projection. I love her so she has to love me back.

 

No 2way connection no way back.

 

Usually the tactics to try and get them back work the opposite of intentions.

 

You go your own way.

[preraph]

I understand some things leading to a loss of spark, like the routine thing... but all that was needed to be done was her being honest with me and speaking up and saying how she felt, we could have then worked on it... not just keep it all inside then abandon me. She then switched her head to this job and various other excuses...

 

Even though I love her and miss her I have so much anger to throw at her, but im better than that.. I'll hold off and learn.

 

Spark is not something you can work on. It's the inexplicable attraction thing. It's not anything that can be manufactured. It's in the person's head, not in your control.

[preraph]

You haven't been a man, so you don't know. We don't call it "loss of spark," we call it "loss of attraction." It happens.

 

There are just some men who don't get that it's not something you can make happen. And Lee is one. Plenty of men do get it, I don't mean to say otherwise, but I've seen a number of men on here over the years, who just think 2+2 = 4. If they everything right, she HAS to want him. Doesn't work that way.

[preraph]

I think I understood it just fine, which is why I was pointing out that we lose attraction, too. Sometimes you just look at your partner and realize you're not attracted to them anymore. It could be for any number of reasons, or no particular reason at all. It has nothing to do with gender.

 

I see it more often in men. Some of them think they should be able to fix it, that it's just something broken. It's something that left and isn't usually going to come back.

[preraph]

From what I've seen the dumpee wants it to be their fault so they can fix it.

 

Or the bigger problem of projection. I love her so she has to love me back.

 

No 2way connection no way back.

 

Usually the tactics to try and get them back work the opposite of intentions.

 

You go your own way.

 

Good point. They want it to be their fault but fixable.

[schlumpy]

I wish I could convince Mr. Lee to look at this as an opportunity and not a loss. There has to be something he has wanted to do that his relationship with this woman has kept him from doing. This is his moment. He may never have a better chance or a better a reason.

[fromheart]

I wish I could convince Mr. Lee to look at this as an opportunity and not a loss. There has to be something he has wanted to do that his relationship with this woman has kept him from doing. This is his moment. He may never have a better chance or a better a reason.

 

Agreed. There's always stuff you can't do with a woman around. Being single is the best opportunity to get things done.

 

When you're just as happy single as you are with someone, you're truly happy.

[Highndry]

True. Many women think all they have to do is put on make up. Doesn't work that way.

 

 

Or not even do that, they just develop an attitude that they're some sort of prize because of their gender - a gift to man - and that they really don't have to do anything but sit back and watch a man take care of them while they offer next to nothing in return. It's become pervasive in western culture.

[ExpatInItaly]

One comment that did make me think though... cant remember from who it was.. said for me to sit back, open a beer, let her **** everything up and then act as if i dont care.. if she comes back then make her realise what shes done and work for it..

 

That's a pretty self-righteous stance, OP.

 

She isn't screwing everything up. She ended a relationship she no longer wanted to be in. That was actually the smart thing to do. Even though you are hurt and don't agree with her choice, it doesn't mean it was the wrong decision for her and somehow going to mess up her life.

 

Assuming she is somehow f****g everything up is your ego talking, but I thus far don't see any evidence that she is being reckless or self-destructive.

[Maggiemay1]

Maggie - Not once has she said that we are not compatible... if anything shes said multiple times that we are.

 

I know what youve said, block her, its over, nothing good is coming from it... you dont need to repeat.

 

.

 

And what was her basis for that compatibility?

You think you are compatible because she said so? What do you really believe?

 

So far I have only seen incompatibility and that’s coming from your relating of the story only.

 

As I said compatibility is not about liking the same movies etc.

Its more to do with communication styles, goals , problem solving etc.

 

The first hurdle you faced was the ex bf. And neither of you could come to a solution or compromise surrounding that.

The next was her starting a new job.

Then there was slowing things down a bit.

 

And the communication was extremely poor in the breakup. Still is.

 

Basically you both failed as a couple but that’s ok and neither to blame. You are incompatible. That’s why we date people to find out , it’s a gamble and sometimes it works out , sometimes it doesn’t. Best to find out sooner than later.

 

You are asking me not to repeat myself, so can I ask of you to do the same?

Please try and start to process things logically and put emotions aside for a minute. I know it’s hard to do but you need to try.

If this was your friends thread , what would you advise him?

[fromheart]

 

You are asking me not to repeat myself, so can I ask of you to do the same?

 

No, not yet he can't. It takes a while to learn this stuff, and more time to apply it. I wouldn't have tolerated her nonsense, I'm sure you wouldn't have. Perhaps you like me are learning to spot the signs early, and walk away from people we are not compatible with.

Or recognize the need for self work first.

 

But I was him as little as 6 years ago, and maybe you were also at some point.

 

So though its necessary to be direct, we must also be patient and sympathetic. Heartbreak can literally be a killer.

[mrlee123]

well today is another day without contact from her... im not expecting her to appear again...

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

Friend, I counted my days of not hearing from my last 2 exes up to 150 until I eventually decided, maybe I needed to stop..and then I started counting the months lol. I was a trainwreck for the first 6 months. After that, I started to notice the pain wasn't paralyzing. It hurt, it drained, and I did have some very paralyzing moments in the night..but it wasn't constant, and on average, it wasn't as intense as those first first months. It didn't feel like I couldn't breathe anymore. The knob had dialed back a bit. By then, I began feeling it was time stop wallowing. People around me were moving forward, my loved ones needed me..and there I was half a year later, unable to be there for them. Most importantly, I had neglected myself in many ways. I got back to school, immersed myself into my studies. Met new people and became close to them and the whole stress of exams and assignments etc. took my mind off of her. I discovered my first genuinely happy moment that wasn't caused by some thought of them coming back. Those happy moments became more and more frequent and lasted longer and it shared time with the bad days. Little by little, I started to get back to who I was one piece at a time.

 

I've learned from many others, that their journey back was similar. I've helped many who ended up getting better. You feel like it's the end of the world right now..it's not. You're going to recover.

 

Don't run from your pain, face it. Embrace the worst case scenario; the scenario that not only scares you, but makes you want to give up in life because you feel like you lost everything.

 

She's gone and she isn't coming back and she will meet someone who is more for her.

 

It'll free you. Trust me. That's when you'll come back, a new person. It'll force you to appreciate the essentials in your life, and get you to ask yourself, "So what now? I lost everything. So whats going to get me out of bed tomorrow."

Edited September 17, 2019 by Beachead

[mrlee123]

Im sorry to everyone if i seem like im not listening or just being stupid thinking certain things... i appreciate everyones advice and the fact you took time to write on here. Today i have struggled more than i thought i would... because of how indecisive and rash shes been in the past not knowing what she wants with certain things i guess i just had hope that after some time of no contact that she would miss me. I know when each day goes by though without her talking that she wont... i know she said she doesnt want a relationship with anyone anytime soon.. but i feel like she should know that when she decides that she does i dont want to be around seeing her with somebody else... hence why the small talk confused me last weekend.. her telling me certain things. I know this week shes busy with work etc.. so if i was to hear anything it would maybe be the weekend i dont know... i just found it weird her messaging me and then going quiet all of a sudden. Hurts... especially when i thought i was going to be with her long term. I guess we shall see what happens.

[Highndry]

You're basically setting yourself up for more and more grief. I tried to explain to you the importance of setting a boundary and you have completely ignored it. When you set the boundary it is actually very freeing, because you know that from here on out she is not going to contact you anymore unless or until she wants to pursue a relationship with you. I'd suggest you re-read the posts here because you're just NOT.GETTING.IT.

[preraph]

because of how indecisive and rash shes been in the past

 

You've repeated this several times, and it makes me think that the fact this is your attitude towards her is part of the reason she no longer wants to be with you. No one likes to be condescended to and make their decisions only for someone to blow that off and not take it seriously by telling yourself she basically doesn't know what she's doing, doesn't know her own mind, is "indecisive and rash," the same as saying incompetent. It's very condescending and disrespectful. I'm sure it hasn't gone unnoticed.

[ExpatInItaly]

The fact that she has not contacted you for a couple days is a good thing OP, even if it hurts like hell right now. It doesn't mean she doesn't care or has forgotten all about you, but it does mean she is beginning to understand that these random contacts were giving you false hope. It's a corner you were going to need to turn sooner or later; it's simply happening before you were really ready for it. But slowly, you will get used to not having her around.

 

Many years ago, when I dumped a long-term ex, I too had to eventually smarten up and stop depending on his friendship. I had no romantic feelings for him anymore, but it was strange not having him as my constant companion. I thought we could still be friends, but of course finally realized that this was sending him all the wrong signals. So, I stopped reaching out. I have a feeling your ex is experiencing the same thing right now. The contact wasn't coming from a place of wanting to reconcile, so she appears now to have understood that it needed to stop.

[balletomane]

My ex is a very indecisive person and it's entirely possible that his decision to break up with me (and come to that, his decision to get into a relationship with me in the first place) wasn't made on a solid basis. However...this is irrelevant. He isn't obliged to be with me or to give me a comprehensible reason for breaking up with me. If someone wants to end a relationship, it should be enough that they want out. They shouldn't need to justify themselves. You don't need to understand or agree with your ex's decision-making process in order to accept her decision for what it is. It hurts to want someone who doesn't feel the same about you, there's no escaping that, but this is what every breakup comes down to in the end and it's what we all have to accept before we can heal.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If someone wants to end a relationship, it should be enough that they want out. They shouldn't need to justify themselves. You don't need to understand or agree with your ex's decision-making process in order to accept her decision for what it is. It hurts to want someone who doesn't feel the same about you, there's no escaping that, but this is what every breakup comes down to in the end and it's what we all have to accept before we can heal.

 

OP, Print this out and hang it on your fridge, your mirror, and the ceiling over your bed. This is absolute truth no matter the situation/people involved.

[mrlee123]

Well shes not messaged all week, so that shows she is just forgetting now. Id be very surprised if she randomly messaged in the weekend..

[ExpatInItaly]

Well shes not messaged all week, so that shows she is just forgetting now. Id be very surprised if she randomly messaged in the weekend..

 

OP, please read my most recent post above.

 

It's not about forgetting. It's about doing the right thing so she doesn't give you false hope.

[TheFinalWord]

Hi buddy,

 

Sorry you are going through this, but we ALL do at some point.

 

I want to break a few things down for you.

 

1) She's 26. She does not know what she wants in her life. Women at this age are guided largely by emotions. Love is not all about butterflies and passionate chemistry. It's a choice too. She is too immature to get that. Which leads me to point 2....

 

2) Alpha widow. Biologically, women were not designed to have a bunch of sexual relationships. I don't care what feminism says, it screws them up. What ends up happening is they bond to the first few men they are with, and then that capacity to pair bond starts to become less and less. Butterflies, chemistry, that is all a chemical response produced during sex. She is still longing for her ex. Whatever this money is, her best friend mom can play debt collector for her. This does lend me to an important point. At no point going forward, do you allow any woman that has a relationship with you to keep in contact with their ex. I always just tell women, I don't become exclusive with women that communicate with their ex, or have them on social media. If they say that's controlling, tell them, no it's not, that you don't have to get into a relationship. But you have to set that precedent right out the gate. Because it becomes impossible to go backwards. Whatever your non-negotiables are you have to say them up front. The older you get the less you will accept BS like that. Another reason to avoid LTRs with women at this age.

 

3) You told her, unless she wants a proper conversation, you don't want to meet. You have to stick to you word. You have to show her, you can move on without her and do not buy her any birthday presents. The only chance you have is for her to miss you, which requires you to be out of the picture. She has to experience life without you, and she can't do that if you are still contacting each other. With that said, you can't negotiate desire. Using logic, like you are there for her, you have X, Y, and Z in common will not work to change their mind. Women act almost solely on emotion, especially at that age.

 

4) I guarantee there were problems for more than the last month. Women break up with you emotionally slowly over time, usually weeks or months before they actually do it. Usually they have another guy waiting. In this case, it's probably the ex. It's up to you, but that situation will implode again so you'll probably have a chance to get her back at some point. But do you really want to? She's shown you who she is already, I hate to say it but she's probably already slept with him. And there's tons of other women out there. To me, you sound more mature than her.

 

5) Maybe you were not doing enough romantic things like she suggested. If that was the case, that was a serious issue that she brought up and she probably tried to get you to do something about it, realized you weren't going to, and cut her losses. Yes, the honeymoon doesn't last forever, but you have to keep courting her and doing the things you did to get her. Complacency kills relationships.

 

6) Find something to occupy your mind. I find intense exercise the best thing during a break up. Get a make-over too. Heck, you're 28. I would even consider moving or re-locating somewhere that has more people your age so you can get out there and date. I always advise men, you should not even consider a long term relationship until you're in your 30s. Then you will have more wisdom to vet women like this out. For example, I would not get into a relationship with a woman that is still in touch with her ex. If it's kids, that's one thing. But money and stuff like that. That's unacceptable. For now, focus on building your career, health, and wealth.

Edited September 19, 2019 by TheFinalWord