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when gf says shes too focused on her new job and just wants to be friends?

mrlee123

By mrlee123
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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assertives Established Member

assertives

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Please block her already. No new contact means no new hurt. Her wanting you in her life did not (and still does not) mean that she wants you in her life as a romantic partner. She just wants to remain in contact with you as friends.

 

Yes, it's always easier said than done for everything in life, not just moving on. But it's also easier for us to say move on because we are bystanders not in the thick of the situation like you, and hence we can see it abit clearer than you, that she has already checked out of the relationship way before. Also, you keep mentioning "making her realise things" or "see how good she had it with you".. thing is, all these good things do not make any difference if you just do not have feelings for the person to commit to a long term relationship. I suggest you read around the other threads in this forum to see what others have gone through, and how it turned out for them. It's a good distraction and you may come to understand why so many here tell you to move on, go NC and block.

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Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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@mrlee123

 

I guess i just dont understand why shes still small talking me sometimes... if it was me ending a relationship then i would end it and not talk anymore as it would be over and done with.

 

Well she's human as well.

 

Just because she broke it off with you, doesn't mean she's over your company and your attention. Doesn't mean she over the certainty and security that you brought to her life that she would wake up every morning and go through her day and someone other than a friend or a family member would be there if she needed them. She's still attached to all the merit you brought to her life. It is entirely possible for her to not want to be with you and but still desire these things. Dumping isn't as easy as many of us dumpees lead ourselves to believe. We often paint them in a negative light but many dumpers do struggle to let go..it's just in a different way. Taking that all in account, because it's difficult for her and because she's not exactly in her right state of mind either (She too is going through a breakup)..she's attempting to make the transition out as easy as possible. In this case, contacting you and attempting to pawn off insincere, self-serving interaction as a "friendship." Ultimately, she doesn't want you as a partner but she needs your presence to help her get over you. This obviously isn't fair to you.

 

That's basically it.

 

Remember?

 

Also, consider Assertives' suggestion and check out some other threads on LS to help you gain some perspective about your own situation. You will be surprised to find out how many people have gone through similar struggles. You don't have to participate in those threads, just read them.

 

- Beach

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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I guess i just dont understand why shes still small talking me sometimes...

 

Because she thinks that proves she's nice and not a mean girl. She doesn't want to be seen as a callous, mean person so she's "proving" to you she is nice and friendly....just like she said when she said she wanted to be friends....but if you keep expecting more from that/hoping to get back together, she will probably stop eventually.

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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... so when things in her life slow down i dont know how she will react.

 

IF the job was the ONLY issue, then just maybe, but essentially she lost the spark and friend zoned you.

If she was your wife of 20 years then maybe the long term bond may have pulled her back to you, but you were only dating a short time.

She should have still been besotted, but she wasn't, she recognised that and rightly dumped you. You can't work with that.

Give up now for your own sanity.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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I guess i just dont understand why shes still small talking me sometimes... if it was me ending a relationship then i would end it and not talk anymore as it would be over and done with.

 

.

 

She's small talking you when she wants to because she can. You can't control her actions only yours. She's selfish. She knows she doesn't want you as a bf, but as a friend. You're probably a good friend that she doesn't want to lose. Every woman needs a good male friend and you've been elected. When she starts seeing a guy as her bf she will more than likely end her friendship with you.

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Maggiemay1 Established Member

Maggiemay1

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. she did tell me last week she wanted me in her life... i guess time will tell. I havent heard from her yesterday or so far today so.i guess its gone quiet now...

 

She is entitled to change her mind.

A year ago she said she wanted to go on a date with you. At some point she said she wanted to be your gf. At another point she wanted to sleep with you. And last week she wanted you in her life as a friend only.

 

A lot of things have changed and what she said last week is irrelevant.

 

You do realise all divorced people once vowed to another that they will be with them for life?

 

Was this your first relationship and break up??

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Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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@maggiemay1

 

A year ago she said she wanted to go on a date with you. At some point she said she wanted to be your gf. At another point she wanted to sleep with you. And last week she wanted you in her life as a friend only.

 

A lot of things have changed and what she said last week is irrelevant.

 

You do realise all divorced people once vowed to another that they will be with them for life?

 

That is a great way of putting things into perspective.

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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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@maggiemay1

 

 

 

That is a great way of putting things into perspective.

 

Agree.

 

I think a lot of people just have trouble understanding a breakup when nothing "bad" happened (i.e. cheating, abuse). "Loss of spark" isn't seen as valid, when it should be.

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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I guess i just dont understand why shes still small talking me sometimes... if it was me ending a relationship then i would end it and not talk anymore as it would be over and done with.

 

Dont get why shes still randomly popping up sometimes, but now its gone a lot more quieter so i dont know if she will again... its messed up. She knows we dont hate eachother at all... so when things in her life slow down i dont know how she will react.

 

It's not about hate. It's about severing the connection & healing from the pain caused by the break up.

 

Your heart has been hurt. You are wounded. Yet you are not healing. Think of it like a scab over a cut. Your body tries to heal but when you pick the scab you bleed again. You cause yourself more pain by reopening the wound.

 

She thinks she's being kind, reaching out showing you that she doesn't hate you. But it's cruel to be kind. She gives you false hope. You think you can "fix" this. You are still hanging on but she's emotionally done & relieved that she's out of the relationship.

 

When you accept that it's over & stop hoping for the breadcrumbs she's sending you, then you will start to heal in earnest.

 

It's not easy when all you want is to have things back the way they were when they were good. But since she's done, you have to let go.

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assertives Established Member

assertives

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You do realise all divorced people once vowed to another that they will be with them for life?

 

For some reason, this feels so heartbreaking to read.

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Maggiemay1 Established Member

Maggiemay1

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For some reason, this feels so heartbreaking to read.

 

Why? People change , situations change. Some within our control and some not.

 

Compatibility is not about liking the same activities , music , social life, sex life , it is more about how people cope with hurdles , bumps in the road , adversities.

The OP it seems has never been on the same page when it came to these things and ignored that.

 

And here he is still focusing on the things that just don’t matter.

That’s the reason for the high divorce rate.

At least his ex is being somewhat reasonable in realising that they are not in fact compatible.

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Maggie - Not once has she said that we are not compatible... if anything shes said multiple times that we are, if youre getting annoyed by what I say on here why continue to post? I know what youve said, block her, its over, nothing good is coming from it... youve said that so I get it, you dont need to repeat.

 

This is not my first breakup, but its the one thats hurt me the most since we had so much in common and after everything we did, the fun times, love shared... In the past I havent taken it this bad or hoped for a different outcome. But because of how indecisive she is and when she makes rash decisions and the actual love she had to me and good i brought her.. its made me kind of hope that in time she will think about this after not speaking for some time... thats not to say im not trying to move on, because I am trying to do things... I will have a read through LS sometime to see if i can find similar situations. I guess if its meant to be its meant to be.

 

Shes not messaged at all today so I guess this is where she starts to not message at all anymore. Well see how long this lasts..

preraph Established Member

preraph

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Agree.

 

I think a lot of people just have trouble understanding a breakup when nothing "bad" happened (i.e. cheating, abuse). "Loss of spark" isn't seen as valid, when it should be.

 

A lot of men (seems mostly men to me) don't understand loss of spark. They think how they act should be all there is. Not even.

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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I understand some things leading to a loss of spark, like the routine thing... but all that was needed to be done was her being honest with me and speaking up and saying how she felt, we could have then worked on it... not just keep it all inside then abandon me. She then switched her head to this job and various other excuses...

 

Even though I love her and miss her I have so much anger to throw at her, but im better than that.. I'll hold off and learn.

Highndry Established Member

Highndry

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A lot of men (seems mostly men to me) don't understand loss of spark. They think how they act should be all there is. Not even.

 

 

You haven't been a man, so you don't know. We don't call it "loss of spark," we call it "loss of attraction." It happens.

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Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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Posted (edited)

@mrlee123

 

but all that was needed to be done was her being honest with me and speaking up and saying how she felt, we could have then worked on it... not just keep it all inside then abandon me. She then switched her head to this job and various other excuses...

 

That would have solved the problem. But you see..she didn't want solve problems. She wanted out. So she sabotaged the relationship so that the necessary conditions that were created from it would give her an excuse to leave and justify herself.

 

Someone who truly valued you and having a future with you, wouldn't have done that because losing it and losing you would have devastated her. She would have communicated how she felt because she would want to realize that future and not jeopardize it. There is always forward momentum with a person who's interested.

Edited by Beachead
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Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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Posted
I understand some things leading to a loss of spark, like the routine thing... but all that was needed to be done was her being honest with me and speaking up and saying how she felt, we could have then worked on it... not just keep it all inside then abandon me. She then switched her head to this job and various other excuses...

 

Even though I love her and miss her I have so much anger to throw at her, but im better than that.. I'll hold off and learn.

 

When they lose attraction or the spark you're done. There's nothing you could have done to fix that. Talking about it doesn't fix it. You can't ever make someone love you.

 

You still don't get it

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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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A lot of men (seems mostly men to me) don't understand loss of spark. They think how they act should be all there is. Not even.

 

Couldn't agree more.

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Yeah, well she hasnt said anything in 2 days now.. so I guess this is where she stops talking.

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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but all that was needed to be done was her being honest with me and speaking up and saying how she felt, we could have then worked on it...

 

No....no you couldn't have worked on it. This is one thing you can't "work on." It's not behavioral. It's not you "always being late" or "not planning enough dates" or "being messy." It's either (still) just there, or it isn't....sometimes it just goes away. No amount of "working on it" would fix it. You can't change it any more than you can change your birth date or eye color.

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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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You haven't been a man, so you don't know. We don't call it "loss of spark," we call it "loss of attraction." It happens.

 

I'm not sure you understand what preraph was saying. She was saying a lot of men, maybe because they are innate "fixers," don't accept "loss of attraction" as a reason for someone breaking up with them. They still think they can fix that.

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Highndry Established Member

Highndry

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I'm not sure you understand what preraph was saying. She was saying a lot of men, maybe because they are innate "fixers," don't accept "loss of attraction" as a reason for someone breaking up with them. They still think they can fix that.

 

 

I think I understood it just fine, which is why I was pointing out that we lose attraction, too. Sometimes you just look at your partner and realize you're not attracted to them anymore. It could be for any number of reasons, or no particular reason at all. It has nothing to do with gender.

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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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I think I understood it just fine, which is why I was pointing out that we lose attraction, too. Sometimes you just look at your partner and realize you're not attracted to them anymore. It could be for any number of reasons, or no particular reason at all. It has nothing to do with gender.

 

Ah ok. Sorry about that. OP doesn't seem to accept this as a reason, however. He still thinks it be fixed. As preraph said, "They think how they act should be all there is."

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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I dont think it could be fixed.. im.just hoping time works things out and if its meant to be it will be.

 

One comment that did make me think though... cant remember from who it was.. said for me to sit back, open a beer, let her **** everything up and then act as if i dont care.. if she comes back then make her realise what shes done and work for it..

Edited by mrlee123
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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Posted

But I don't see where she ------ everything up and she probably wouldn't either. She just decided she wanted to be free to do her own thing.

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