when gf says shes too focused on her new job and just wants to be friends?

[Marc878]

Let me tell you about X's.

 

I see this a lot. Happens all the time.

 

They're bad news, treated her bad, drunk, drugs, family hates them, etc. blah, blah, blah.

 

If there's an attraction they will go back time after time. No matter what for the most part.

 

It's a waste of time trying to figure that out because common sense plays no part in it.

Edited September 14, 2019 by Marc878

[mrlee123]

She wont have met anyone at work, she only started a week and a half ago... shes promised there is nobody else as well so I believe her.. she just doesnt want a relationship with anyone right now and cant see her changing in the near future... as shes got other things she wants to relax with in life.. such as settling into her new job and doing great at it, her mom, family, football games on the weekend and going out doing things with her mom. When the time comes for a relationship I just hope she thinks of me... maybe I will have moved on by then i dont know.

 

She says thinks like oh we can meet up thats not a problem... but when it comes to it she never does as she finds it awkward because she things im gonna think things will be fine and go back to normal like they were when we were together. Thats the reason she hasnt met recently and wont anytime soon. Which is why I dont know if NC will refresh her mind in that area.. all im saying is that im not expecting contact from her now at all which hurts and makes me feel so low.

[Beachead]

For these next several months, let your pain out and do your best to get through the days. I'm sure you have trouble sleeping, don't feel like eating much and get her out of your mind. You might even feel chest pain and fatigue. So try to take it a few hours at a time. All of this will subside.

 

I've mentioned this a few times before but it's worth repeating because of how effective it has been for me in my own recovery.

 

Become aware of your internal process and document it in writing a few times a week or when you really need to express yourself. When you find your mood is better on a particular day, write down how you feel and what thoughts or events in your life were making you feel good. This is important for later on when you have some very intense downs (Which you will), you can draw from these passages to help you get your mind back to where it needs to be. I also encourage you to also turn your writing to 1 or 2 things in your life that you are truly grateful for. Perhaps something that makes you feel good, even for a moment. Practicing this will remind you that you're alive, that there are things in your life that make you smile, all is not lost and there is hope that you will find yourself again and it will stop you from being consumed by depressing thoughts.

 

Don't date anyone but continue to live your life. Focus on work and shop around for an activity or a class you can take that'll change your routine up into something different from what you had when you were with her. I suggest something that'll teach you something, help you build skills and/or something you can have fun with. Perhaps take one class that is more about independent growth and one social activity that gets you talking to others.

 

- Beach

Edited September 14, 2019 by Beachead

[mrlee123]

Yes beach youre right.. it has affected my eating and sleep.. in work its all.i think about.

 

I already go to the gym, 2 evening circuit trsining classes and running sometimes on a sunday morning.. yet i still think of her. I guess im.just finding it hard how shes.just moved on and stopped talking to me like i dont exist. I wasnt expecting anything today as its her birthday so she will probly be out with friends...

[Marc878]

shes promised there is nobody else as well so I believe her.. she just doesnt want a relationship with anyone right now and cant see her changing in the near future...

 

Bud, you never thought she'd dump you either. Did you?

 

Words don't mean much.

 

All everyone is telling you is don't be surprised. It happens.

[ExpatInItaly]

Given the information you added to this thread today, I have a strong hunch that her ex is back on her radar in a much bigger way than she admits.

[mrlee123]

And now she whatsapps me asking if ive had a good day lol... not replying.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Do not respond!!!! She's fishing for a birthday wish. I do not like how she's toying with you, and you shouldn't either. You really need to block her if you ever want to heal.

[Beachead]

And now she whatsapps me asking if ive had a good day lol... not replying.

 

Typical. Never fails to amaze me how common this bullsh*t is.

 

If you answer that text, you'll be playing right into her short-sighted selfish bs. She just told you 2 days ago she was done with the relationship and you should move on and then she blocked you. She only unblocked you because sticking to that decision got too hard. It has nothing to do with her wanting to get back with you. This is just weakness. She ultimately wants to leave but needs your help to do it. She knows she's messing up and I have no doubt in my mind she will kick herself tomorrow for this because of what she ultimately wants, while you, currently in your state of denial will think "Maybe this is a sign she's coming around!" No, it's not. It's her doing what a million dumpers just like her did to their exes before her and what a million are doing right now and what a million will do after her. She's using your vulnerabilities to do what she needs to do to make this as easily as possible for HER. Sometimes it's intentional, sometimes not but one thing is for sure..it is not for you, it's not with you in mind, it doesn't help you in anyway. All it does is hurt you. If you keep her on Whatsapp and social media, expect more of these messages in the future.

Edited September 14, 2019 by Beachead

[ExpatInItaly]

Do not respond!!!! She's fishing for a birthday wish. I do not like how she's toying with you, and you shouldn't either. You really need to block her if you ever want to heal.

 

Bingo.

 

All of this.

 

OP, she will keep doing this until she meets someone else. And then you will kick yourself for never having blocked her. Mark my words.

[Marc878]

This is just breadcrumbs.

 

Learn to ignore.

 

You're better than that

[Marc878]

From what you're posting it's as if She'll allow you some limited friendship on her terms only?

 

Bud, you really don't need this ****.

 

I'd cut her off completely

[Maggiemay1]

She wont have met anyone at work, she only started a week and a half ago... shes promised there is nobody else as well so I believe her.. she just doesnt want a relationship with anyone right now and cant see her changing in the near future... as shes got other things she wants to relax with in life.. such as settling into her new job and doing great at it, her mom, family, football games on the weekend and going out doing things with her mom. When the time comes for a relationship I just hope she thinks of me....

 

She is choosing to be single rather than be in a relationship with you because the relationship didn’t have longevity in her eyes. She is no longer interested.

 

The things she wants to relax with in life are all things she can within a relationship, they are just fluffy excuses not to be with you. But she has also told you straight up that for her there is no spark etc. You seem to block that last bit out time and time again.

 

She is not going to suddenly wake up one day and say “right, it’s time for a relationship, I’ll call my ex”

When the time comes for a relationship, it will be because she met a guy she wants to date, dates him for a while and before long is in a relationship with him.

It is not going to be a conscious decision.

 

She is gone. And yes exes do appear to carry on as if you never existed unless there is some financial tie or children involved etc.

You, fortunately have no ties with her.

So yes in time , out of sight , out of mind.

 

Can you please do what everyone has suggested and block her already?

 

You know in a couple months you might come across another girl who could be the right girl for you, but if you still have contact with your ex or don’t have her blocked , you won’t be emotionally available and could miss out on that girl!!

 

Do yourself a favour!!!

[mrlee123]

Nothing from her today guys.

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

Good.

 

I know it doesn't feel that way right now. I know it's very difficult for you to feel like ignoring her is what's best when the only thing you want to do is the opposite, but you must stick through it. This girl is doing you no favours, aimlessly contacting you, knowing full well she doesn't want this anymore. All she'd be doing is hurting you and wasting your time. Everyday you power through the temptations and the pain and everyday you don't hear from her is going bring you a little more clarity. Piece by piece, you're going to slowly build the big picture that is your situation until you can see it for what it is from a place you can understand it and make peace with it.

 

- Beach

Edited September 15, 2019 by Beachead

[mrlee123]

I dont think I will get anything else from her.. if she does call on her way to work I will ignore it and stay silent. When I did this a month ago she text me saying she knows im ignoring her but she doesnt care.

 

I just dont get it when she knows I dont want to be friends, shes told me she doesnt want a relationship... I dont know if its because maybe she doesnt want to completely lose me, but wel see what her reaction is now.. i dont think she will care anyway but who knows..

 

I took the step tonight in blocking her on instagram, even though i deleted her I found myself still looking at her and she changes her profile photos etc.. it wasnt healthy for me so I blocked her on that.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

I took the step tonight in blocking her on instagram, even though i deleted her I found myself still looking at her and she changes her profile photos etc.. it wasnt healthy for me so I blocked her on that.

 

Baby steps! Good for you, Mr. Lee.

 

How did you meet her?

[Marc878]

Upfront your world is gonna end, she's the only one for me, i'll be alone and die, blah, blah, blah.

 

You'll look back and cringe. You'll be fine and you'll probably realize she wasn't worth your time.

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

I just dont get it when she knows I dont want to be friends, shes told me she doesnt want a relationship... I dont know if its because maybe she doesnt want to completely lose me, but wel see what her reaction is now.. i dont think she will care anyway but who knows..

 

Well she's human as well.

 

Just because she broke it off with you, doesn't mean she's over your company and your attention. Doesn't mean she over the certainty and security that you brought to her life that she would wake up every morning and go through her day and someone other than a friend or a family member would be there if she needed them. She's still attached to all the merit you brought to her life. It is entirely possible for her to not want to be with you and but still desire these things. Dumping isn't as easy as many of us dumpees lead ourselves to believe. We often paint them in a negative light but many dumpers do struggle to let go..it's just in a different way. Taking that all in account, because it's difficult for her and because she's not exactly in her right state of mind either (She too is going through a breakup)..she's attempting to make the transition out as easy as possible. In this case, contacting you and attempting to pawn off insincere, self-serving interaction as a "friendship". Ultimately, right now she doesn't want you as a partner but she needs your presence to help her get over you. This obviously isn't fair to you.

 

That's basically it.

 

I took the step tonight in blocking her on instagram, even though i deleted her I found myself still looking at her and she changes her profile photos etc.. it wasnt healthy for me so I blocked her on that.

 

This is good. Another step in the right direction.

 

- Beach

Edited September 15, 2019 by Beachead

[mrlee123]

I get ya... I guess im still hoping in time my silence will make her realise things and want to fight for me and give this a shot.. easy for people to just say move on.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I get ya... I guess im still hoping in time my silence will make her realise things and want to fight for me and give this a shot.. easy for people to just say move on.

 

It's not easy to move on. It's easy for us who have ended relationships to say, "she's not coming back." That doesn't take away your pain, though .

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

Yea, you're in denial and you have hope and you won't be able to unthink it no matter how hard you try. It's involuntary. Your neural pathways in your brain are accustomed to being with her, talking to her etc. and will require time to break down and unlearn..AKA habits. You spent a year's worth of days talking to her, building memories, experiences, being intimate..thinking about a future. It's not going to happen in a finger snap. It will take time. To help make this process smoother, you need to remind yourself through writing and self-talk the truth of your situation everytime you get weak. This is why I recommend journaling frequently. My most helpful passages were the ones I wrote when I finally had a good, clear day where I felt certain about why my situation with my ex ended. I wrote down my entire thought process for getting to that strong state of mind and I used it everytime I got weak. It helped tremendously.

 

Overall, what you're feeling is normal and a natural process and kicking that hope to the curb, is the hardest part of it. Once you've slayed that beast, things get easier and improvement is rapid.

 

Until then, sit tight and ride it out.

 

- Beach

Edited September 15, 2019 by Beachead

[Highndry]

..When I did this a month ago she text me saying she knows im ignoring her but she doesnt care.

 

I just dont get it when she knows I dont want to be friends, shes told me she doesnt want a relationship...

 

 

Part of it is your fault because you didn't set the boundary you should have, which is easily achieved with the following:

 

"I do not want to be your friend. Do not ever contact me again unless you have had a change of heart and want to pursue a relationship. I will not be contacting you again. Have a nice life."

 

 

You were scared to do that because you thought you might lose her for good. Let me tell you something - you already have and you are making it harder on yourself.

[mrlee123]

Maybe i have or maybe i havent i dont know.. she did tell me last week she wanted me in her life... i guess time will tell. I havent heard from her yesterday or so far today so.i guess its gone quiet now...

[mrlee123]

I guess i just dont understand why shes still small talking me sometimes... if it was me ending a relationship then i would end it and not talk anymore as it would be over and done with.

 

Dont get why shes still randomly popping up sometimes, but now its gone a lot more quieter so i dont know if she will again... its messed up. She knows we dont hate eachother at all... so when things in her life slow down i dont know how she will react.