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when gf says shes too focused on her new job and just wants to be friends?

mrlee123

By mrlee123
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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Sometimes it's best for some to learn the hard way.

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Listen, if inside tells me i cant delete yet then so be it.. im not talking to her now and shes not talking to me.. ill deal with it in my own way so please stop with the negativity.

Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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Yes beach youre right... i guess im worried.. just wanting to do fun things and share it with someone on things like xmas, weekends, new years.

 

We all do. But for now, your objective is to heal your mind and return to your charming self that you were once upon a time before you met this girl. You can't be in a relationship again if you carry pain from this relationship. If you still hold onto her, if you still fear being alone. These are all demons you have to get into the ring and beat, first.

 

Also the reason i cant block is because something inside of me just wont make.me do it.. im sorry but i just cant.. i know.you think im stupid. In time maybe i will.. but for now i cant... i dont have her on social media.. ive deleted our photos, all i have is her number.. now shes unblocked me on whatsapp shes on there.

 

No I don't think you're stupid at all. I already know why you won't. This was a person you were with everyday for a year. That is over a year's worth of days building memories, experiences, having conversations, planning a future etc. That's not something you're going to unlearn overnight, or in a week, or a month. Not even 6 months. You're not alone in how you feel. If you stick on LS long enough, you'll realize how many people are going through it.

 

It took me 2 years to fully recover from my own breakups. I know that might sound discouraging to you, but that's how slow grief and healing can be. Hope is is the beast you have to slay in this thing and it won't go down easily. You won't be able to will it away. It will require time and you to process your grief. I carried hope for another 5 more months. I thought about them often. I was miserable and for a long time when I passed by places we went to such as restaurants, parks, roads..I felt my heart break all over again. I couldn't unthink my way out of it. But then you get to a point where holding onto that hope gets to be too painful and the thought of letting go actually begins to feel less painful. It almost feels relieving. That is when in your heart and mind, you'll let go because it'll make sense to. From there, you'll begin to notice improvement. I can't tell you when you'll feel emotionally balanced again but I can tell you that you will.

 

If you can't block her number, just delete it. Like I said, write it down on a sheet of paper and keep it someplace in the house. This way you know you can still add her to your phone if you get weak but the fact that it's on a piece of paper and off of your contact list, reminds you you shouldn't. Taking her off of your phone means, she'll be off of your Whatsapp so you won't have to see her profile pic. When you're ready, take her off of social media as well. She has to be out of sight, out of mind for you to heal.

 

Another thing I advise you to do is to take up some activities that you've always wanted to do in your life. You'll meet people who share in the same interests. Don't look for a relationship in these things but do enjoy the social aspect that come with it. Getting out there and meeting new people will open your mind up to other people and their personalities, will help you realize there are good people out there help you find a couple of regulars you can bond with.

 

At the same time, you'll need free time in your schedule to sit in silence so that you can hear your thoughts and feel your pain. It sounds counterproductive but overwhelming your schedule will make you bury your pain instead of dealing with it. You must feel your pain and become aware of what's there so that you can process it and heal from it.

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destroyedlife Member

destroyedlife

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you were a rebound. shei liked you enough to fill the emptiness in her heart. but you were never a permanent option. chances are you dont even love this girl, you just loved the sex. if i were you , and from my experience, even a way to get girls back and you can ask any of us guys in our 30s. step back, crack a beer. let her run off and **** everything up. and act like you dont give a ****. like your un effected, girls want what they cant have. also they want men who want them but they dont want to be wanted by men. seriously

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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@destroyedlife the sex was amazing haha!! best for her as well apprently... i will just sit back now and let it be. If she was to ever get hurt again im sure she will think of how good she had it with me..

 

out of curiosity though... have you ever known anyone to split up and then get back together after time?? She has certain things that will remind her of me... like certain gifts i got her in her room which she still keeps, and the area im from she and her family visit every summer. This is just me being curious.... I have deleted her and not expecting any more contact from her. But how strong is the mind to remind her of all the good we had?? I get shes too focused on other things now and definetly doesnt want a relationship anytime soon. I dont know what my silence will do to her now.. probly nothing.

 

Suppose her not contacting me will help me heal...

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Suppose her not contacting me will help me heal...

 

It will.

 

Healing will be a process but the 1st step is acknowledging this is over & give up those last straws of hope you keep clinging too.

 

Sorry.

 

Hang in there.

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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out of curiosity though... have you ever known anyone to split up and then get back together after time?? She has certain things that will remind her of me... like certain gifts i got her in her room which she still keeps, and the area im from she and her family visit every summer. This is just me being curious.... I have deleted her and not expecting any more contact from her. But how strong is the mind to remind her of all the good we had?? I get shes too focused on other things now and definetly doesnt want a relationship anytime soon. I dont know what my silence will do to her now.. probly nothing.

 

I personally know a few couples who broke up, stayed apart a little while, and reunited. Of those, only two are still together today, years after the break-up. Of those two, I would say that only one of those couples is genuinely happily married. They were young when they started dating, took time out and dated others during university, and eventually found their way back together. They'd both grown and explored, and were far more ready to settle down together by that point.

 

What brings people back together is not the small reminders of someone. It's not the memento given as a gift, or a place once traveled to with an ex. Those things are nice to remember, yes, but not enough to provoke a successful reconciliation. I have gifts given to me by exes that are lovely items, but I associate no romantic feelings with them. I currently live in the city where another ex and I took a romantic, once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I remember the places I went with him, of course, but I don't think of him with any longing when I pass by those specific landmarks. I don't mean to dash your hopes, but the mentality of a dumper who just doesn't feel the same way anymore isn't laced with the same sentimental longing that the dumpee feels.

 

Reconciliations that last are borne out of deeper desire to be in each others' lives, a commitment to resolve the problems that caused the break-up, a better understanding of each other and themselves as individuals. More often that not, in my experience, both parties move on and actually find greater happiness with someone else entirely.

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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so what do you think it is that actually makes them want to get back? Do you think its thoughts of the positive things that we did when she realises she will be in a less stressful routine with work etc??

 

I do actually believe her when she says she does not want a relationship with anybody anytime soon... shes too comfortable with the being busy in work, hanging out with family as shes so close to them and her mom.. who is her best friend.

 

I dont think it will happen to me as she lives 40 minutes to an hour away, wont see me on social media or contact me so its not like she will have me in sight to see how im getting on.

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Maddie82 Established Member

Maddie82

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It's over. She's not coming back. Time to let go and stop asking questions. Time to close this down because you are going around in circles with the 'what ifs'.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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so what do you think it is that actually makes them want to get back? Do you think its thoughts of the positive things that we did when she realises she will be in a less stressful routine with work etc??

 

It's impossible to answer that, realistically. It's so different for everyone and depends largely on why they ended it to begin with.

 

If they are truly done with the relationship, though, positive thoughts are not enough. I could remember good times with the exes I have broken up with over the years, but there is a difference between fond memories and actually wanting to be with someone again. They are not one and the same. Sometimes relationships really do just run their course and there's not enough romantic steam to keep going.

 

I know you are looking for hope. I know this sucks. None of us can say with certainty that she will never come back, but based on what she herself has told you, I have to concede it's unlikely.

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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thank you for your words...

 

shes proven in the past multiple times that shes indecisive and makes rash decisions.. I guess we will see where life takes me...

Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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thank you for your words...

 

shes proven in the past multiple times that shes indecisive and makes rash decisions.. I guess we will see where life takes me...

 

Evergone has the option to make life what they want. If you can learn that you'll be better off.

Maggiemay1 Established Member

Maggiemay1

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thank you for your words...

 

shes proven in the past multiple times that shes indecisive and makes rash decisions.. I guess we will see where life takes me...

 

She may have proven in the past that she is indecisive and makes rash decisions but this is NOT one of those moments. In fact she has taken her time to process it and only weeks later made the cull.

She is definitely not coming back and I presume since she blocked you on whatsapp (which is easy to find out) , she has also blocked your phone number too ( which you can’t easily find out unless you try calling her)

 

She is done and gone.

Read up on the 5 stages of grief, denial is one of them, hope is one of them , but it’s time to move onto acceptance. The sooner the better for your sake.

 

And she finally was upfront and honest and said that after a year she feels nothing romantic towards you. The honeymoon phase is up to the one year mark and many split up around that time. I did on a few occasions.

And I have never considered getting back with any of them.

 

Keep busy, when she pops into your head , you need to consciously think of something else. Break ups are not easy but they are still very doable.

We have all gone through it.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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... the sex was amazing haha!! best for her as well apprently...

 

You are fooling yourself, if the sex was so great why did she lose the spark? Why did she see you as just a friend?

She took you out of the sexy stud role and put you straight into the friend-zone.

You are projecting what you felt about the sex onto her.

 

You are still going on about "rash decisions", as if she is incapable of knowing her own mind.

Her account of the situation seems perfectly lucid to me and everyone else...

We have all been there.

We lose the spark, we are no longer "in love", we see no future, we want to see what else is out there, we want "freedom"...

 

Your ego is keeping you stuck.

"I am so wonderful, how could this girl not see it, she is wrong, she does't know her own mind..."

 

Once you accept she did know exactly what she was doing when she dumped you, you can start to move on.

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Maggiemay1 Established Member

Maggiemay1

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Well its 100% done now... and before i say anything i dont need anyof you to say i told you so, you shouldnt have done this or you should have done this, its over, blah blah.. i know i messed up..

 

People don’t turn around and say “I told you so” , but what they did tell you was coming from experience. You failed to see the similarity of your situation , because you convinced yourself that hers and your situation was unique. Thats ok! We have all done that.

 

“I know I messed up” ???

You didn’t!!

She decided she didn’t want a relationship with you going forward and it was nothing to do with your actions during the relationship, pre or post break up.

It was a lack of feelings on her part regardless. Incompatibility most likely.

 

You did fail to see that incompatibility for want of stability and having someone to spend Christmas or other special occasions with.

 

You will find another that you don’t care so much about those special occasions and care more about the important day to day .

 

Good luck!

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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we had a lot in common and were compatible though.. I just dont know what happened.. it was since she got offered the job things deteriorated... in my eyes anyway, started to go distant then went from excuse to excuse....

 

As for the sex, it was great... she even told me multiple times it was... but when this situation started she told me that it wasnt about sex right now but building and developing the relationship... even though shed text me about it at times saying how much she wants it.. i think this was her again confused in her head, and when i brought up all that stuff about her ex thats when it went bad and we aint seen eachother since.. then since shes started the job its lead to this, not wanting a relationship with anyone and focusing on herself...

 

shes unblocked me on whatsapp, said we can meet sometime when were both free but she will have to check... i just didnt reply... im leaving it now, I wont hear from her again because shes not interested...

Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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You are projecting what you think onto her. Obviously she didn't feel that way or she wouldn't have broken up with you.

 

I see this all the time. It was amazing, wonderful, etc. then they get dumped.

 

Sorry but the feelings weren't mutual. Her actions tell you that.

 

For whatever reason she ended this. Which is her choice.

 

You are living in denial because you don't want to accept it.

 

She's young and moving on. Instead of doing the same you're trying to cling onto something that isn't there.

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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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You are still going on about "rash decisions", as if she is incapable of knowing her own mind.

Her account of the situation seems perfectly lucid to me and everyone else...

We have all been there.

We lose the spark, we are no longer "in love", we see no future, we want to see what else is out there, we want "freedom"...

 

Your ego is keeping you stuck.

"I am so wonderful, how could this girl not see it, she is wrong, she does't know her own mind..."

 

Once you accept she did know exactly what she was doing when she dumped you, you can start to move on.

 

I agree with all of this, BUT I also wish she'd stop giving him false hope by messaging him, saying they can get together sometime, etc. She's not doing him any favors and is stringing him along, probably because she feels bad about losing feelings for him and thinks she's doing the right thing by "being nice." But, she's not doing him any favors.....and this is why I think he should completely block her.

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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So I've been on this for a few weeks now.. just wanted to talk to some people as im struggling, cant think of anything else and see no way i can get out of this..

 

So me and my ex gf had problems for the past month, weve been together a year where I live alone and she lives with her parents 40 to 50 min away. She is 26 and im 28, she has a super close relationship with her mom, they are like best friends and do so much together and always talk together. Her moms nice and has always loved me like the rest of her family. In the past year weve done so much together and had so much good times, we went on holiday in April and it was the best time ever for both of us, we have so much in common, we click, the sex is great (she said that) and we just got on with our families and loved doing stuff. Around may or june time she got offered her first job as a special needs teacher, shes so passionate about this and was worried and excited at the same time. For me ever since shes been offered this job shes changed and become distant, we talked less over text/phone, the vibe when together was offish...

 

Every year her and her family come to the area I live in for a holiday, when she came this year she told me that she didnt miss me and that worried her. She then threw up different things like saying we got stuck into a routine, the spark was gone and it shouldnt go after a year, so she wanted to slowly date and take it back to how it was in the beginning which I agreed to. So since this we went on 2 dates which were amazing, fun, we kissed etc and i went to her house and chatted with her mom. She would text me about how much she misses sex with me but then say its not about sex right now but about building and developing our relationship. As soon as I got home i noticed she was following her ex on instagram, i called her about this and it was like she didnt know what to say, she then got angry and said she doesnt think we are working and just loves me as a friend, she then hung up. After a few days of not talking she called and said it was her ex who added her, she just accepted to be civil and act like she doesnt care. Its like she makes indecisive and rash decisions... shes admitted that she does this at times... she was unsure weather to go on holiday with me before, she nearly cancelled it as she thought we were doing it too soon... but we went and she had the best time ever.

 

Since the start of our relationship I have known that she has had to maintain contact with her ex due to him owing money on a loan payment. Her family are involved in this as well and they all hate him, she hates him, but to get him to pay the loan they have to play the long game and be civil... otherwise he makes it hard for them. Hes bad news, into drugs and I know theres no feelings there and the family would never ever let her get back with him. But this bothered me her having him on there to which she apologised for. Since I brought this up we havent seen eachother, its been 3 weeks now but weve maintained contact but not much contact... only a few texts and the odd phone call. Since she started her job 2 weeks ago she messaged me to say that shes super busy, from morning until night and its made her realise she doesnt have time for anything. We spoke on the phone 2 nights ago, she said that she doesnt want a relationship with anyone anytime soon and doesnt see herself changing, she said all she wants is to do her work, focus on her career, hang out with family and go to football matches on the weekend with her mom as they have a season ticket. She reassured me there is nobody else, and i do really believe her on that. She then blocked me on whatsapp as she said she wants a break from me and doesnt want to get any long messages, even though I wouldnt have sent her any.. i was just going to leave her to it..

 

The next morning she unblocked me, said we can meet up sometime when were both free but she will have to check. Today is her birthday so im finding it hard, we havent spoke and I dont think we will now as she just seems to be moving on without anything bothering her. I have deleted her off social media last week and explained why, she just said thanks for being honest and she understands why, said shes sorry for it all and its not just me that she shuts out but everyone. She has memories of me in her room, like this gift i got her which outlines 10 things i love about her and she has it on her bed every night... just small gesture like that..

 

Last week she would call me for 5 or 10 min on her way to work or send a text to say how shes been, or ask how ive been... just small talk. Then i wouldnt hear much all day... last week was tough for her as her best friends mom died and because shes so close to her own mother it affected her... think she was just small talking/confiding in me. I know its over and I have to move on because thats what shes doing.. but i guess i just hope in time she will realise and reach out again... I know i wont text her or anything.. but its painful to think someone you clicked with so much can erase you like this..

 

I know its over and she wants nothing to do with me anymore.. just the casual friend thing which she knows I dont want, and since that phone call the other night she wont reach out anymore. Weve never really had more than 3 or 4 days No Contact... but I know now after the call we had she wont reach out again.

 

I feel alone, my friends live an hour away and are tied down.. im worried that i will be alone for a long time unhappy. Just wish i never entered this nightmare situation and my life was happy again.

Edited by mrlee123
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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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when I said she was stringing me along she didnt understand how she was... at the end of the day she wants me in her life right now as a friend.. she knows i dont want that... but since the phone call we had i dont think she will message me again.. she will move on easily

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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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but since the phone call we had i dont think she will message me again..

 

I hope you're right because it's not fair to you. I don't think she's doing it maliciously....she sounds nice....but it's not fair.

Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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The "let them down easy" is common. Its conflict avoidance.

 

So is the chasing, needy/clingy behavior from the dumpee.

 

Unfortunately this behavior repeats itself over and over with the same results.

 

Most just will not see it and have to go through it. Maybe coming out a little wiser afterwards.

 

Hopium is strong in most situations

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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She might have met someone at work, too. Not a pleasant thought, I know, but I would not completely rule it out either.

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Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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^^^^^ that is normally the case.

 

Worse thing you can do is waste your time on someone that doesn't want you.

 

You can't change that

Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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Yep, she's done. Your best option is to block everything. The only one that will keep you in this is you.

 

You can't block then you'll just linger longer and that is all on you. Not her.

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