He loves me, he loves me not

[Forget-me-not]

I have been with my boyfriend for just over 3 months. I'm 21/22 and he's 25.

Somewhere around the first and second month he told me he loved me. I already loved him but due to an earlier incident, a month in, when I told him I felt like I was more in love with him than he was with me, and he said that the feelings of being in love that he had felt were no longer there. This crushed me and we almost broke up, but after some consideration it seemed that we had different perceptions of being in love. He said he had not lost his feelings for me, but didn't see himself as in love. In truth, this has been very confusing for me even up until now.

Anyway, he still said things like he could see a future for us, spending our lives together, which seemed a pretty huge thing to say if you weren't serious. And two months in, he told me he loved me, and I said I loved him too, which I had been holding in for a while. And he didn't just say it, he promised he hand on his heart that he would never ever lie about something like that, I could ask anyone who knew him.

For the next two months, up until now, he has talked about our future even more, moving in together, not renting an apartment, but purchasing one. Even having kids. All this was his idea. He brought it up. He said it first. And now we've been together for just over three months and he messages me that we need to talk. We're doing long distance and have been for almost a month now, something he knew would happen when he met me, but chose anyway, and still claims does not bother him. Anyway, he says we need to talk, and tells me he actually does not love me. That he lied the first time around, about all of the future plans. He said he only told me so that I would be happy, because he wanted me to be happy. And that he suggested our future together to see how I'd react, and how much I was into him. But. He does not want to break up with me. He says he cares for me a lot, but he just isn't there yet. Which would have been all fine and well just three months in if he hadn't dropped that massive lie! I was crushed and furious.

Now, this is the man I really saw as the love of my life. We have incredible chemistry, pretty great sex, we're best friends, I feel really attracted to him, and he says he feels so too but I have a hard time believing anything he says right now. The list goes on. I thought we were perfect for each other. He SAID we were several times. And yet....

But he says it takes him over a year to love someone. He also says that he has only ever loved one woman, and he claims that took him one year. But it's not entirely the same, since for the first seven months of their relationship, they hadn't even met yet. He thought she was the love of his life and it ended badly. But aside from that he has had a lot of girlfriends, over 10 of them. And apparently was in his definition "in love" with her for much longer. She cheated and he left her for his own good.

He also tells me that he is absolutely certain he will love me one day, but that he needs more time, probably over a year. To me, a year seems a really long time to find out if you love someone. Maybe I'm wrong, but my unique circumstances give me reason to doubt everything he says at this point. He assures me that he stays with me for me, not because he does not want to be alone. He says he's never felt as safe with anyone as he has with me, and has never opened up to anyone in the same way. And never let anyone get as close as me. He's generally very guarded, and keeps a lot of his worries to himself. He says he's scared of letting someone in like that, in case he gets really hurt. But he works real hard to open up, and tells me that's why he had to tell me the truth about the lies. This is apparently not the first time he has lied about these things with girls, but the first time he has admitted to it.

Obviously I take everything he says with a grain of salt right now. And it doesn't help that I've been in a similar situation, but in his place. I cared very much for a past boyfriend who loved me way more. I actually loved thought I loved him at a point but later realised I spoke to soon. I talked to him about it, and we decided to keep trying, but it never got better. I only cared less and less for him.

My current boyfriend however, claims that he he cares more and more for me all the time. And that it has never lessened. But he doesnt love me yet. He feels the bond isn't strong enough yet. That he does'nt trust me 100 % yet. And the feelings aren't deep enough yet. I get it, only three months have passed, but the lying has really thrown me off, and at the same time as I'm worried he'll never love me, I'm also worried I'll never truly trust him again, or believe him when and if he ever says it.

My gut feeling is all over the place. I have no idea whether I should give this a chance or call it off. I'm incredibly torn. No one has ever made me as happy, and I have a very hard time finding people I have this kind of connection and attraction to, who feels the same. But I also feel horrible right now. Sometimes it feels good again, and I have some faith that it will work out, but then I spiral back into doubt...

I don't know what to do, or what to believe. This is my third relationship and I know I don't have all the facts, and I don't know everything about love, or even enough. Are my expectations too high, to believe that love must happen early for it to be a life long relationship? Does he deserve a chance? By posting this I'm hoping someone with more experience or similar experiences or anyone really, could help assure me that there a good chance it will work out. Or tell me to run for my life. I guess I need the perspectives of someone else than my wounded self and that man who may or may not be telling the truth. I just don't feel like I know enough about love outside my own expectations of it, to make the right decision, whatever it is.

[greymatter]

I'm sorry for the hurt he has caused you. And I have to say, it all sounds like BS and I wouldn't put up with that level of crap and would have walked away early on. You are very young and will have more relationships, and hopefully your expectations for what you will accept, and how you want to be treated, will significantly rise.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Yea that is a load of horse crap! Cut him out of your life completely and find someone who loves you. He cannot break your heart and expect you to shut off all other options.

[ExpatInItaly]

Are my expectations too high, to believe that love must happen early for it to be a life long relationship?

 

Yes, your expectations are too high.

 

Three months is too early to be throwing around terms like love, home purchases, kids, best friends. You two are still getting to know each other, still in the honeymoon phase. You don't yet have anywhere near enough established history to know if you'd be compatible life partners.

 

I can completely agree that learn around this point if you want to continue exploring a bond that could easily develop into love. But the expectations you two have already placed on yourselves and each other are just not realistic or healthy, given the very short length of time you have been together. What is the big rush, exactly?

 

Having said all of that, this guy of yours is not a reliable or mature candidate for a relationship. He doesn't know his own mind and openly admits he lied to you about loving you. Not cool at all, and not a good sign for the future. There is likely to a be a lot more back-and-forth with him, and a lot more emotional turmoil for you.

 

I'm nearing 40 now, and in my experience, my best and healthiest relationships did not start out like this. The ones that did burned out quickly and died.

[smackie9]

never ever take "I see us having a future, marriage, kids, etc" as a promise....it's just talk and talk is cheap....the proof in their actions. punt him to the curb.

[d0nnivain]

You are both young. 3 months in you have no business talking about living together, purchasing real estate together or having kids. The fact that both of you engaged in those conversations indicates to me that you both have an immature view of love & relationships. You want some instant connection which doesn't exist. At this early stage at best you can think about whether you will be together at Halloween. You should expect to spend Thanksgiving & Christmas apart with your own families. You cannot even presume you will be together by NYE.

 

You need to learn to slow down & maintain boundaries. Right now you have too few & it's causing you angst because the whole pie in the sky future dreams are just that -- dreams -- but you want them to be real & you want that reality to happen right now.

[preraph]

He loves having a girlfriend. That's what he loves. So he's saying whatever it takes to keep that going, but he's not emotionally very involved at all. So guessing it's mostly about sex at his age. You know, you two are quite young and it's unlikely you'll end up making a life together. It's the age for exploring and dating around. You should do that. He's not committed or in love. He's enjoying having a girlfriend handy and the constant validation of that.

[spiderowl]

Three months is too soon to be talking about love. Real love, as opposed to infatuation, takes time to develop.

 

Yes, love can grow over a period of time as people bond and go through different experiences. But ...

 

He lied to you about love, supposedly to please you, and talked about a life together to see how you would react. That is a bit weird!

 

Trust your feelings. Your body is telling you how you feel about all this. It does not sound like you are feeling good or reassured. In your place, I would wonder if he was manipulating me.

 

It seems to me you have lost trust in him. Trust is fundamental in a relationship.

[Stevnx3]

Hello.

 

I am sorry to hear all of this. I agree with the above poster: I would have left by now. You are both young; and there is still time to mature, find new people and maybe the right person. This guy is playing games and sounds like he doesn't know what he wants - a side effect of being young. You bared your heart out to him and he lied to you, admitted such. Don't you think that you deserve better than lies and false promises? You do. It may hurt, and it may hurt for a long time.

 

But you have plenty of life left in you. Make it the best for yourself and not waste precious time and tears on someone who cannot reciprocate. It is hard finding real love, at any age. Sometimes passions burn fast and hot that it seems like love, but it isn't. You deserve happiness. Love. You can make that happen for yourself, here and now, and move on. We are always here for you on here!