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Got a letter from EX-What Would you do?

Despr8

By Despr8
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Despr8 Member

Despr8

Posted
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So I've posted in the past about this ex and currently its been 2 years since the break up. We've ran into each other 3-4 times in those 2 years but stayed true to No Contact. Honestly since she left me it's been the hardest emotion in my life. I still hold anger and resentment and heart ache. I just felt abandoned and have never been able to shake off those feelings no matter who im dating. Some days I feel like I'm losing my mind because she'll be the first and last thing I'll think about. 2 Freaking! years and it still hurts! WTF! thought No Contact would heal me by now. Deep down I always thought she'll regret her choices but it's out of my control and I'm just trying to live my best life.

 

 

 

I recently got a letter because I've blocked her and in the letter she returned two old pictures of me as a teenager which I didn't even know she had. The letter didn't really say much but she did tell me that she's leaving the country to live in South America and would like to meet for dinner before she leaves?

 

 

I Really would love to see her but I'm afraid I'll just make the whole situation horrible. I Feel like I wouldn't be able to hold back in telling her how much she's hurt my life and how deep the scars are. Should I tell her how much she's hurt me? Should I meet her? Should I just ignore it?

Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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Meeting now will reset you back to day one. She's moving which tells you there is nothing there. If she was wanting back you'd know it. What she sent is meaningless.

 

You need some IC help to stop living on hopium so you can successfully move on.

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The Outlaw Established Member

The Outlaw

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You could always send her a letter yourself but just not send it. You will probably never fully have closure but all you can do is put your best foot forward and as you said, try to live your best life. But to answer your question, if it were me, I'd chunk the letter in the garbage. Somethings are better left forgotten.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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AS she is moving away I guess for good, this may be the very last time you see her, so think carefully about what that really means to you.

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Despr8 Member

Despr8

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I'd be giving the same advice and chuck that letter and keep it moving.

If anything meeting her would most definitely have me feeling like garbage. I'm more than positive she's leaving with her BF and I'll start hearing things I could care less for. I have a new GF and it's going good but feel I cant open up fully because my past haunts me. I'd really like to see her because I miss her. I'd like to say what I felt these past two years and get it off my chest.

I mean why not let it all out if she's leaving anyway? We were together for 7 years and she was my fiance.

 

This was her last text message to me a year ago

"I know for certain I was meant to meet you. You changed me me into a better person and made me so, so happy for many years. I don't believe I'll ever have a purely love based relationship again like I had with you. The love I feel for you will never go away, and I agree our souls are connected. But I don't see my future with you. The lessons we learned from each other have run their course. I've completely moved on. Its really hard for me to tell you this but its true. I understand this means we will likely not speak again. All I can say is energetically I will always believe in you. You're a strong, resilient, smart and very handsome man. There is no doubt you will live a happy life, I wish you the best."

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schlumpy Established Member

schlumpy

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I feel terrible for you but I feel even worse for the woman that you are with at the moment. She has a hell of a mountain to climb to get to the man at the top pining away for a woman who rejected him.

 

Instead of meeting your lost love for dinner so she can stick a fork in you one last time, why don't you climb down off the spire and meet your new GF half way?

 

She may get you to the top again.

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Despr8 Member

Despr8

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Love those words.

My current GF knows my past pain and shes accepting.

Shes much older than me, in her 50s

 

But you're right.

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Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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Why do you keep someone as a priority when you were just an option to her?

 

An option she dumped BTW.

 

Sounds like you've got her on a fantasy pedestal that doesn't exist except in your own mind.

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Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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This was her last text message to me a year ago

"I know for certain I was meant to meet you. You changed me me into a better person and made me so, so happy for many years. I don't believe I'll ever have a purely love based relationship again like I had with you. The love I feel for you will never go away, and I agree our souls are connected. But I don't see my future with you. The lessons we learned from each other have run their course. I've completely moved on. Its really hard for me to tell you this but its true. I understand this means we will likely not speak again. All I can say is energetically I will always believe in you. You're a strong, resilient, smart and very handsome man. There is no doubt you will live a happy life, I wish you the best."

 

She's told you it's over permantley. Why do you not believe her?

 

Her actions say the same.

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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"Thanks for the photos. Good luck in South America" That should do it.

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Despr8 Member

Despr8

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You guys are right completely, I just got that dumb OMG shes leaving moment in me. Thank you! I'll just send a nice email saying thanks for the pix, good luck in south America.

 

 

 

She meant the world to me and I would always give her what little I had.

2 years later I still haven't rebounded from the emotional and financial damage it did to me. I got things coming up in my life so i'm always hopeful. How I would just love some kind of remorse. She's surely changed too much and I don't even want to know :(

Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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Sorry man but you didn't mean that much to her.

 

It sounds like you're still projecting onto her. I love her so she must love me too thing. Nope, that's a mistake many make.

 

She made up her mind and went her own way. You have wasted 2 years on what? Something that will never be.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Despr8 Member

Despr8

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Didn't waste 2 years. I've dated, learned, hustled, lived, laughed.

Just that ego side of me wished there was some kind of remorse.

It was a bad break up that left me living back at my parents house.

My circumstances remind me every day of her.

 

She on the other hand lives probably very happy.

 

I know if I see her it's gonna be brutal.

 

 

She really doesn't know what she did to me, and oddly enough I miss her.

It disgusts me that I would say it but that's how I feel.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Jowo New Member

Jowo

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I just felt abandoned"

"No Contact would heal me by now"

"Deep down I always thought she'll regret her choices but it's out of my control and I'm just trying to live my best life."

"I'm afraid I'll just make the whole situation horrible. I Feel like I wouldn't be able to hold back"

 

Take that power back. Whatever you do you need to take back control of your decisions and what happens to you. You are watching things happen to yourself and expecting something external to come out and solve your issues : You just need to remember you have the control in your life. Your healing will come from yourself, not from the people here, not from 2 years of NC or a few minutes with your ex.

 

If deep inside you want to reach out then do it : And you decide how it will go, what you want to say and hear. Not her. Be in the driver seat.

If you think for your personal well being it's better not to meet then take that decision with confidence and make sure you have no regret about it in the futur.

 

Be confident, she took that from you. It's time to take it back.

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Maddie82 Established Member

Maddie82

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I agree that meeting her would just set you back. You're struggling enough now so seeing her would likely bring those feelings back which will make you feel worse.

balletomane Established Member

balletomane

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Going by your posts, you're hoping that you'll meet her, you'll tell her how you've felt, and she will suddenly become full of remorse and contrition (and possibly even declare she still has feelings for you).

 

That won't happen. People who initiate breakups already understand that it's painful and that their partners are likely to be very hurt, but they aren't going to feel guilty two years down the line for not staying in a relationship that they didn't want any more. It doesn't matter how eloquent you are. I have moments where I want to write to my ex and tell him how very unhelpful his (mis)handling of the breakup was, but I won't, because he already knows I've been hurt and there's just no point in furnishing people with all the details of that hurt when there is no practical way for them to fix the consequences.

 

Because of that, I wouldn't reply at all. It's unfair to you and unfair to whoever you're dating now. You might not be able to control your emotions, but you can control how you respond to them. Going for dinner would put you right back to square one.

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Commongoal123 Established Member

Commongoal123

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I'd be giving the same advice and chuck that letter and keep it moving.

If anything meeting her would most definitely have me feeling like garbage. I'm more than positive she's leaving with her BF and I'll start hearing things I could care less for. I have a new GF and it's going good but feel I cant open up fully because my past haunts me. I'd really like to see her because I miss her. I'd like to say what I felt these past two years and get it off my chest.

I mean why not let it all out if she's leaving anyway? We were together for 7 years and she was my fiance.

 

 

 

This was her last text message to me a year ago

"I know for certain I was meant to meet you. You changed me me into a better person and made me so, so happy for many years. I don't believe I'll ever have a purely love based relationship again like I had with you. The love I feel for you will never go away, and I agree our souls are connected. But I don't see my future with you. The lessons we learned from each other have run their course. I've completely moved on. Its really hard for me to tell you this but its true. I understand this means we will likely not speak again. All I can say is energetically I will always believe in you. You're a strong, resilient, smart and very handsome man. There is no doubt you will live a happy life, I wish you the best."

 

Goddam. Some women are so turned around inside their own heads.

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Despr8 Member

Despr8

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Are you referring to the last text I got from her?

 

It never made any sense to me and just seemed like BS really. Decided on not wasting time and energy on it.

 

I'm thinking she's gonna reach out before she leaves. If not...oh well.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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You know the answer. You have posted several times in this thread that you are still hung up on her & seeing will hurt you. Why do it?

 

Basil67 gave you the response: thanks for the photos; good luck. Nothing else needs to be said.

 

For your sake I hope her departure is the impetus you need to finally close the door on this.

Happy Lemming Established Member

Happy Lemming

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"Thanks for the photos. Good luck in South America" That should do it.

 

I'd also like to agree with others that this is the appropriate response.

 

This is what I would do, if given your circumstances.

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Highndry Established Member

Highndry

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Completely ignore her and continue on with your life. She doesn't deserve anything more.

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Watercolors Established Member

Watercolors

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Despr8 - You wrote that your current g/f is understanding that you still pine for your last g/f.

 

Do you think that's ok to make her an option? She deserves to be treated as a priority. She deserves to be treated with respect.

 

I feel bad for your current g/f because she probably knows you don't really love her, but her position is just to be a placeholder for you, while you continue to pine for your ex-g/f. You claim you are over your ex-g/f but you're not. Her letter returning 2 old photos of you, set you back emotionally because you are still hung up on her.

 

Your ex-g/f didn't send you that letter to rekindle your relationship. I think she wanted to have a clean break with you, by inviting you to say good-bye to each other in person.

 

I'm going against the popular opinion here to say, I think you should go to dinner with her, say your final good-bye, get your closure, and only THEN can you emotionally move on and devote yourself to your current relationship. Otherwise, what do you think will help you stop thinking about that 2 year relationship? If not therapy, then what can you do to get over this ex-g/f who still has an emotional hold on you?

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Despr8 Member

Despr8

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My current lady is very happy with me and i'm pretty open with her about things so i dont hold anything back. Plus I dont love my current gf, we both know it. It's been a 3 month relationship and we're still new. She's not a placeholder, just a potential partner. My ex though we had 7 years together and was my fiance. My wounds run deep. I think it's gonna take a very long time probably more than 2 years lol. I know it sucks but i know one day i'll look back at this and smile :)

 

I'm going with the popular vote just because I know meeting up is not gonna make me feel better. Honestly knowing shes leaving is making me kinda relieved. No more awkward run ins. I used to feel her energy and run into her. No more thinking that person looks like her etc. When I feel like it maybe a few days before her departure i'll send her a email say BYE.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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schlumpy Established Member

schlumpy

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My wounds run deep. I think it's gonna take a very long time probably more than 2 years lol. I know it sucks but i know one day i'll look back at this and smile :)

 

I don't think so, unless you are a singular individual you will most likely feel regret for the time you wasted.

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LivingWaterPlease Established Member

LivingWaterPlease

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Despr8, something is wrong with your ex to be leaving the country with her now bf and wanting to have dinner with you before she leaves.

 

Anyone would know what she's asking you will be an ego boost for her and a difficult thing to do for you.

 

She is thinking only of her selfish need for validation here, imo.

 

Even if she doesn't know it would hurt you to meet it doesn't speak well of her to request to see you because it shows she's calloused to human emotions.

 

In your place I'd either ignore her or write her back with something like,

 

"_________,

 

Great to read you're beginning a new life in South America! Thanks for your kind invitation but I've become involved with someone special and am focusing on her alone. However, know that I'm wishing you well for your future!

 

Despr8"

 

Or:

 

"_________,

 

Great to read you're beginning a new life in South America! Thanks for your kind invitation but I'm pretty busy right now. However, know that I'm wishing you well for your future!

 

Despr8"

 

I might go for the second version because, to me, the less info you give her the more it seems you've moved on, imo.

 

Keep it brief and light but obviously, let her know you're busy, not pining away for her, and have moved on.

Edited by LivingWaterPlease
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