smackie9 Posted October 14, 2019 Posted October 14, 2019 He’s no friend he’s having sex with you while he tries to work things out with his ex And he’s not interested in sharing intimate details about it. He’s playing you for a fool.
FMW Posted October 14, 2019 Posted October 14, 2019 He's being a jerk. The question wasn't out of line at all, it's something a platonic friend would likely ask as well. BTW, he probably IS thinking about getting back together with her (why else would they be hanging out). If you truly were friends, you'll get through this. I think I'd cut the benefits out for now though unless you're ok with him romancing her and coming to you for sex while refusing to talk about it.
stillafool Posted October 14, 2019 Posted October 14, 2019 The reason he came off that way to you about her was because his other FWBs are giving him hell about her and he's exhausted talking about it. He's doing you a favor by not discussing it. He's definitely trying to get her back.
Lotsgoingon Posted October 14, 2019 Posted October 14, 2019 He violated the implicit rules of a smart FWB. You do have to keep in some touch with what's going on in your partner's life ... Had he just said, yes, I'm thinking of her again, that would have been fine, because you would have been able to figure out where he is with you and with the ex ... you'd know the right amount of distance to keep and so on. Right away this guy has revealed himself as lacking the social skill to pull an FWB. Yes, assume he's returning to her. No need for a defensive answer like the one he gave. So basically what happened is ... he slept with her ... and now wants to get back with her ... he didn't anticipate this ... and is embarrassed to tell you that he is getting back with the ex. He feels guilty that he slept with her, so soon after you and he got together. He's not mad at you. He's a little mad and uncomfortable with himself. That's why he's keeping the distance. He assumes you'll hate him for returning to the ex.
MsJayne Posted October 14, 2019 Posted October 14, 2019 My attitude towards friends with benefits is....benefit for who? One person usually has feelings, and the other person has feelings too - for themselves. There is no more to it than that. He's hoping to get back with his ex, and he doesn't even like you enough to be honest with you. That's not a friend, that's a manipulative sleaze using you to fill the void left by an ex who probably dumped him because he's a manipulative sleaze.
Author FML22 Posted October 15, 2019 Author Posted October 15, 2019 Thanks for your input everyone... I really doubt they’re getting back together it’s not so much that as it is the way he reacted to me asking. He isn’t a liar and told me where he was and who he was with. I think he took my question as being too invasive but.. the thing I don’t get is he already asked me twice if I was getting back with my ex. So... why the freak out when I ask him? It doesn’t make sense and it’s not fair. So now I’m left to try to figure it out, wait it out, or reach out to him to talk. I do value our friendship.. he’s been there for me solidly throughout some **** times. I really don’t get it. I feel like I shouldn’t have to reach out to him but I know if I don’t .. the silence will continue. I’m impatient and I don’t like leaving things unsettled. Sighhhhhh
ExpatInItaly Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 I wouldn't bother trying to be friends with someone who has such a double standard. For me, this would be done. FWB is meant to be light and uncomplicated, and things have taken a turn here. That would be enough for me to write him off as someone I share my bed with.
Maggiemay1 Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 Hmmm , I’ll start with saying that you are not long time friends. More like you were friends a long time ago. You said you reconnected. Who initiated that and why? How long have you been single and how long has he? Also you said you both agreed to be fwb “for now” , what does “for now” mean? And who said that? And who merely agreed with that? It certainly sounds like one of you had hopes for progressing from fwb to more. His reaction to your question may have been a relatively normal one depending on how the question was delivered. For example if he (twice) asked you had you any hopes to get back with your ex one day and how you were going with the break up etc then that is an entirely different scenario to you immediately responding to hearing he had hung out with his ex to asking outright are you getting back with her? I sense that your reaction to hearing he hung out with her was the over the top one ?? Perhaps you secretly hope for more than fwb with him one day ? Or that you don’t like the non exclusivity that you want? But that’s the risk of fwb. There is no exclusivity , each free to sleep with others . What exactly about it all bothers you the most?
Scarlett.O'hara Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 It sounds like you are looking at this from the perspective of a friend, but the thing is you aren't just friends anymore, are you? Being intimate with someone you care about over and over again. If that hasn't changed anything then I guess there is nothing really wrong here? If he likes having sex without any offering any sort of commitment then it makes sense that he isn't going to want to jeopardize that by saying something that will make you jealous or put you off having casual sex in future. Maybe he sensed something in your tone or the way you have been acting that you are becoming more attached. I imagine the best way he could think of handling it was to shut you down and back off for a while. I think it is very likely that he still has feelings for his ex, but he is never going to admit that to you unless he is 100% done having sex with you. If you value your friendship, you can't keep having sex with him. It's one or the other. 1
beldar Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 Just my opinion ..... FWB ..... two words ..... DON'T .... EVER !!!!!
elaine567 Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 (edited) ... I think he took my question as being too invasive but.. the thing I don’t get is he already asked me twice if I was getting back with my ex. So... why the freak out when I ask him? It doesn’t make sense and it’s not fair. Many men like having a FWB, as it leaves them free to sleep with other women whereas they feel the woman in the arrangement should be loyal and true to them alone. Thus here, he is allowed to delve into your situation with your STBX in order to suss out where HE stands, but you are not allowed to question him on his situation, to suss out where YOU stand... My guess here you are too involved, you have swallowed the "you are the one that got away" and the "he has since compared Every woman he’s been with to me" tried and tested lines and you feel that you are of importance to him. But you have to keep chasing him... You care, he doesn't. You think you have a friend, a potential lover, he thinks he has a FWB, one he seemingly can take or leave... Edited October 15, 2019 by elaine567
Author FML22 Posted October 15, 2019 Author Posted October 15, 2019 (edited) Hmmm , I’ll start with saying that you are not long time friends. More like you were friends a long time ago. You said you reconnected. Who initiated that and why? How long have you been single and how long has he? Also you said you both agreed to be fwb “for now” , what does “for now” mean? And who said that? And who merely agreed with that? It certainly sounds like one of you had hopes for progressing from fwb to more. We were friends, dated for a bit, and have been friends since. We were not very close the last few years which is why I said we “reconnected.” We gradually got closer and we’ve talked about our feelings for each other. In terms of how I asked him the question, I did it exactly like he did to me. Over text, right when it happened. I mirrored exactly what he said/did... using emojis just like him lol. almost more jokingly. It was not over the top in any way. I don’t want to be more than FWB. I’m honestly not jealous or acting crazy or anything like that. My point in asking him was just to know so I know. I think it’s reasonable to ask which is why when he asked me it was no big deal whatsoever and I answered him. Not only that, but even as platonic friends only I STILL would have asked. What bothers me is his defensive reaction and him now not responding to me for over a week. why is it ok for him to ask me but when I ask him I get a defensive snap and ignored?! Edited October 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited
Lotsgoingon Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 What bothers me is his defensive reaction and him now not responding to me for over a week. why is it ok for him to ask me but when I ask him I get a defensive snap and ignored?! It's NOT OK. But let go and move on ... to me, it sounds like this guy really likes you ... and is totally confused and guilty about what he's doing ... getting back with the ex in some way ... And he doesn't have the confidence and strength to sit in front of you and honestly tell you what's going on. So he's evading and hiding. And yes, he probably wants to have sex with you some more ... and he fears telling you anything approaching the truth about him and the ex ... will kill off that possibility with you. Not justifying ... Just thinking ... Bottom line: you did nothing wrong. FWB's are notoriously unstable.
Author FML22 Posted October 15, 2019 Author Posted October 15, 2019 (edited) Yes .. sighhh I think this is the case. I still don’t think they’re getting back together but I know he still has lingering feelings for her. Which is fine but.. I have to be realistic that this is most likely a recipe for disaster for me. I’m already going through enough. It’s just so hard cuz I really enjoy being with him and the sex is amazing too. it’s really tough to stay away Edited October 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed
Flame Aura Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 It’s just so hard cuz I really enjoy being with him and the sex is amazing too. it’s really tough to stay away That's not a good sign for a FWB. It's supposed to be without attachment. As mentioned you are going to be the one getting hurt, as you seem to have started to be already.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 15, 2019 Posted October 15, 2019 If you two aren't dating, one of you was bound to move on to someone sooner or later anyway. Maybe you two were once good friends, but the goalposts usually change when you start sleeping together. The dynamic shifts. It's very difficult to go back to being just friends after having been intimate. It's not fair that he replied in such an abrupt manner, but it is what it is. He's now shown you that he applies different standards to you than he does to himself. He's shown you he'll cut you off cold when it suits him. It's time to leave this FWB situation for good.
Maggiemay1 Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 We were friends, dated for a bit, and have been friends since. We were not very close the last few years which is why I said we “reconnected.” We gradually got closer and we’ve talked about our feelings for each other. In terms of how I asked him the question, I did it exactly like he did to me. Over text, right when it happened. My point in asking him was just to know so I know. Ok, so you dated in the past , meaning there was attraction at some point by one or other of you to be interested in pursuing the other for more than just sex. That means he was not a good candidate for a Fwb. Gradually getting closer , how?! If it was talking about past relationships, that is not getting closer. More like someone to listen to your venting , which is what forums like this are for. Not ex dates. Asking questions over text? Fwbs don’t chat by text. Unless to arrange a next meet. When you will chat then plus the added benefit. Your point in asking him so you know? Why do you need to know? That defies the point of a fwb? No relationship talk at all. He broke that rule , you didn’t mind that he did , but you didn’t have to answer. You broke that rule, yes he is a hypocrite , but no he doesn’t have to answer. It sounds to me like neither of you know or explained to each other what your idea of a fwb is? But the basic idea , is that it’s a simple catch up occasionally, light hearted chat , enjoy each other’s company, have sex and then see you next time! No drama, no deep and meaningful conversations , no inquisitions , nothing that resembles a relationship at all. I hope that helps???
Author FML22 Posted October 16, 2019 Author Posted October 16, 2019 (edited) It does, thanks I think I use the term “FWB” loosely as it for sure is more involved than that. We talk all the time, text, hang out, etc. When I say FWB I do mean that in some way just that we are not “in a relationship.” Which is fine for both of us right now. Perhaps we didn’t define it enough but we both agreed to let the other know if we start sleeping with someone else. For me, I don’t want to keep hooking up with him if he’s hanging out with his ex. It’s too messy and complicated because.. we do have feelings for each other and always have. I think communication is what we need right now ... I’m just stuck on his unfair reaction to my question and the following silence. And I don’t want to be the one to reach out to him after that. He couldn’t even justify me with a response. Part of me is impatient and doesn’t like leaving things unsettled and says “just call him!!!” but... part of me is like DONT and “I can take a hint” lol Edited October 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed
FMW Posted October 16, 2019 Posted October 16, 2019 Everyone has their own definition of FWB, and they differ widely, so keep that in mind when considering all the viewpoints. Some people use the term FWB for what I would only consider to be F*** buddies. I have what I consider a true FWB - we were friends for several years prior to becoming intimate 10 1/2 months ago. Neither of us are looking for a serious relationship at the moment, each for our own reasons. We text regularly, about non sexual things. We share a social circle and hang out in non-sexual activities. We care about what goes on in each others' lives and we talk a lot - nothing so far has been off limits. And we specifically agreed (he's the one who brought it up) to NOT have sex with others (neither of us want to chance being exposed to anything nasty), so when one of us meet someone else we want to get involved with we will end the benefits. The problem it seems with your particular situation is that you are not on the same page about the "ground rules". And it doesn't seem he wants to even talk about them really. As someone else pointed out, to have a successful FWB situation you have to be clear on what you're doing and communicate openly and honestly.
Maggiemay1 Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 I think I use the term “FWB” loosely as it for sure is more involved than that. We talk all the time, text, hang out, etc. When I say FWB I do mean that in some way just that we are not “in a relationship.” Which is fine for both of us right now. we both agreed to let the other know if we start sleeping with someone else. For me, I don’t want to keep hooking up with him if he’s hanging out with his ex we do have feelings for each other and always have. I’m just stuck on his unfair reaction to my question and the following silence. You use the term fwb loosely as it is more than that? What do you mean by more involved?? You can’t have a fwb with anyone other that an arrangement to meet and nothing in between. But with respect and prior arrangement to meet rather than a hook up scenario. But fwbs are NEVER friends first!!! You do not ever do that with a “friend” Unless you don’t care about that person nor consider them a friend. I have to wonder if you are considering him a friend but the feeling is not mutual? You both agreed to let each other know if you sleep with someone else! Why?? FWB’s are allowed to sleep with others. That’s part of it. If you are practising safe sex then you don’t need to know. Right? You either trust him to tell you if he has sex with another or you don’t. You don’t ask him. Because you are not in a relationship with him. That’s exactly what he is avoiding and his fwb has not adhered to his idea of a fwb. He doesn’t care if you get back with your ex.His question was actually about if you did get back with your ex , has his sex on tap gone? Your question re his ex , was more about , he hasn’t a freaking clue if his ex is warming back to him, but annoyed that you asked because now his sex on tap is behaving like a gf. The reason for all of that is because you claim to have feelings for each other. He doesn’t reciprocate your feelings. They are clearly one sided. He just wanted sex and thought you were up for it , but you clearly want more. That’s why he is silent. And if he posted here I would advise him to remain so, for your benefit!!
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