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Always initiating contact..?

FML22

By FML22
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FML22 Member

FML22

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Hi all,

 

Ive recently connected with an old flame and we’ve been friends for the last six months. A few weeks ago we took our “friendship” to the next level and were intimate. It’s been great :)

 

It’s happened a handful of times since the first time and I’ve noticed that he seems to be taking a step back. I’m always the one initiating contact (usually text messages) and he’s very open once I do. But he’s almost completely stopped at this point. He has expressed that he likes me being the initiator. I haven’t reached out to him at all this week and I haven’t heard from him at all. I just figured I’d take a step back perhaps I was coming on too strong? I’m just not sure what to do now that it’s been this long? To check in on him or not?

 

Should also mention that I am separated (living on my own) and going through a divorce. He has expressed concern about this even though I have no feelings for my soon to be ex and haven’t for years.

 

I enjoy being with him and I’m wondering if I’m being foolish by waiting for him to reach out to me. After all, I am the (technically!) still married one.

 

Any thoughts appreciated ;)

MsJayne Established Member

MsJayne

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If he's like most men, if they're really keen and interested, he'd crawl over broken glass to be with you if that's what he wanted, and you being in the middle of a divorce wouldn't stop him either. I think he's using that as his excuse for not getting too involved. If it's always you who initiates contact that's a definite sign that he's not invested and he's just taking what you're offering, and he likes you being the initiator because it flatters his ego. Not hearing from him for a week is a subtle message and I'd keep my dignity and wait for him to make the next contact, and if you don't hear from him again don't be too surprised. Sorry! :(

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FML22 Member

FML22

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That was sort of my first reaction too, but what confuses me is he always said that I was the one that got away. And that since we were together over 20 years ago that he has since compared Every woman he’s been with to me. This is why am so confused about everything and don’t know what to do! ?

MsJayne Established Member

MsJayne

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OK, so mixed messages. Speaking warm but acting cool. I'd still wait for him to make the next contact. If you did the dumping 20 years ago he could be keen but being cautious in the name of self-preservation. But as long as you keep being the one to keep the contact momentum going you'll never know. Of course, you could always take the bull by the horns and just outright ask him if he's interested in more than a casual relationship. Scary, but removes the uncertainty and lets you either move on to the next phase of the relationship, or move on without him.

crispytoast Established Member

crispytoast

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If he's like most men, if they're really keen and interested, he'd crawl over broken glass to be with you if that's what he wanted

People have lives outside of dating.

 

@FML he said he likes it when you initiate and you have been initiating. Nothing wrong with that. Esp if you were the one who dumped him, it makes a lot of sense that he would conduct himself in that manner. Also I think he probably does not want to get as involved with whatever is happening in your divorce, which is not unreasonable either.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

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Hmmmm ... this is a tricky one ... BTW: MsJane is absolutely right: if a guy is into you ... he'll climb a mountain to see you. Absolutely true!

 

It's fine for you to take the initiative as long as he takes the initiative the next time. Like you might be confident in reaching out at first. But if a relationship is going to go anywhere, the other partner has to take some actions as well.

 

This guy is only responding ... and I can't tell if that has dropped off as well.

 

I say dump him ... something is up that if you don't call, he doesn't call over a week. Most even very lazy people would text over that time.

 

Something's up with him ... either lack of interest or he's totally socially inept or seeing someone else ...

 

My guess: this guy just wanted to have sex and doesn't want a relationship ... or texting in between. I bet if you invited him over for the night (right now) you'd get a quick reply.

 

I can't tell if the sex itself created his disinterest in a relationship or not.

 

Tip: ignore his words ... He likes you to take the initiative. What does that mean? Don't waste time figuring out what he means. Might just be some b.s. he put out there to confuse you so you wouldn't get upset at him not contacting you. And the "you're the one who got away." Means nothing. Totally noncommittal ... though designed to sound like he was really into you and really regrets not being with you.

 

Judge his actions now. Don't reach out anymore.

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FML22 Member

FML22

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The thing is I don’t even want a full-blown relationship with him right now anyway. I’m pretty happy and satisfied with what we’ve been doing. Sort of a FWB type thing. Before we had sex, he was very much in contact in terms of texting , sending funny FB messages, etc. we would text for hours before bed. After we had sex, he definitely was less flirty and suggestive when we did text and since then, I’ve initiated contact every time. I know something is up with him I just don’t know what exactly. I was the one to break up with him years ago and in general he tends to be pretty guarded. It also doesn’t help that he knows my soon to be ex-husband (part of the same friend group) and has mentioned feeling guilty about that.

 

Now that it’s been over a week, I’m just feeling like I am equally wasting my time by sitting here wondering what’s going on versus just reaching out to him. He’s pretty open in general so I know if I asked him it would be no problem to actually talk about it. I feel myself getting caught up in the idea of him reaching out to me first ??*♀️

Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

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The thing is I don’t even want a full-blown relationship with him right now anyway. I’m pretty happy and satisfied with what we’ve been doing. Sort of a FWB type thing. Before we had sex, he was very much in contact in terms of texting , sending funny FB messages, etc. we would text for hours before bed. After we had sex, he definitely was less flirty and suggestive when we did text and since then, I’ve initiated contact every time. I know something is up with him I just don’t know what exactly. I was the one to break up with him years ago and in general he tends to be pretty guarded. It also doesn’t help that he knows my soon to be ex-husband (part of the same friend group) and has mentioned feeling guilty about that.

 

Now that it’s been over a week, I’m just feeling like I am equally wasting my time by sitting here wondering what’s going on versus just reaching out to him. He’s pretty open in general so I know if I asked him it would be no problem to actually talk about it. I feel myself getting caught up in the idea of him reaching out to me first *♀️

 

But you do indeed know what's up with him. He's being distant and uncommunicative. That's all there is to know. You also know he might feel guilty about sleeping with you because he knows your ex. That's huge.

You also know (by inference) that he's not good at spelling out his feelings with you, that he lacks the confidence or social skill or just plain decency to directly tell you what is going on and why he's being distant.

 

That's A LOT to know about someone! And BTW: drop the assumption that this guy has some deep inner life that he could clearly articulate. That's not a good assumption. Judge him by his actions. He's not available. Keep moving. And even if he gave you some "explanation" you'd be foolish and reckless to trust that he hasn't already shown you how he will behave in the future. He will run and hide and not talk. Again, all you need to know.

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frus69 Established Member

frus69

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That was sort of my first reaction too, but what confuses me is he always said that I was the one that got away.

 

cuz it's easier to shift the blame.

chillii Established Member

chillii

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Most guys will, if they're keen enough.

He sound luke warm though sorry. Slept with ya , now not fussed, the ex, divorce , you don't even want something heavy, he'd be picking all that up especially knowing your ex.

Butttt, l still think the biggie is that he's only luke warm.

He might've thought that back then , but your different now and things are different, 20yrs is a long time, if only we could stay how we were 20yrs ago , where the fantasy gets stuck .

l'd just leave it , if you don;t hear from him it's a dead duck , if you do , tell him you were fed up with doing everything and getting nothing so you dropped out unless he wants to fire it up.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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That was sort of my first reaction too, but what confuses me is he always said that I was the one that got away. And that since we were together over 20 years ago that he has since compared Every woman he’s been with to me. This is why am so confused about everything and don’t know what to do!

 

He's blowing smoke up your skirt. His behavior and actions don't match.

 

Don't get yourself too invested in this one. I'd stop doing the initiating for a bit and see what happens. Give it some slack. Either he will pick it up or he will let it fade away. Even if he picks it up, don't be too enamored, it's likely that he's worried about losing the regular sex more than he is about losing you specifically. He like you to do the initiating because he doesn't have to do any "work", it strokes his ego and he's off the hook as far as being accused of leading you on because you're the one chasing him.

 

Contact/initiating, etc., should be balanced. You're doing everything and you don't have a gauge for where he's "at". That's why you don't know what do do. But that by itself says you should move on or at least not expect much to come of this situation and just enjoy some fun for a bit (just like he is).

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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he's here for a good time, not a long time...

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FML22 Member

FML22

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He's blowing smoke up your skirt. His behavior and actions don't match.

 

Don't get yourself too invested in this one. I'd stop doing the initiating for a bit and see what happens. Give it some slack. Either he will pick it up or he will let it fade away. Even if he picks it up, don't be too enamored, it's likely that he's worried about losing the regular sex more than he is about losing you specifically. He like you to do the initiating because he doesn't have to do any "work", it strokes his ego and he's off the hook as far as being accused of leading you on because you're the one chasing him.

 

Contact/initiating, etc., should be balanced. You're doing everything and you don't have a gauge for where he's "at". That's why you don't know what do do. But that by itself says you should move on or at least not expect much to come of this situation and just enjoy some fun for a bit (just like he is).

 

That’s what I’m trying to do. I’d like to just have fun ... and I would’ve liked to have fun this past week (like we did the week before LOL ) .. but my senses are telling me he’s in his head and letting the guilt, the situation, and everything else worry him to the point that he’s taking a step back. I’m not sure he’s wrong. We have discussed our strong feelings for each other already. I’m more go with the flow while he’s more worried and analyzing. Sighhhh

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Since you're going through a divorce go ahead and have your fun, just don't put your eggs in his basket. Date others and have fun with all.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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He's probably afraid he's being foolish because you're married and most people would be right to caution him that you may never actually divorce or that he may just be your rebound. You need to serve papers on your husband asap.

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FML22 Member

FML22

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He's probably afraid he's being foolish because you're married and most people would be right to caution him that you may never actually divorce or that he may just be your rebound. You need to serve papers on your husband asap.

 

Exactly! I think he has a right to be cautious especially considering how we feel about each other ?

 

Already served him 3 months ago. We should be divorced legally by now but ex is dragging his feet.

Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

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Exactly! I think he has a right to be cautious especially considering how we feel about each other ?

 

Already served him 3 months ago. We should be divorced legally by now but ex is dragging his feet.

 

An FWB requires communication and clarity, quite a bit in fact.

 

This guy would be as unreliable in FBW as he is right now.

 

Dump him.

Gretchen12 Established Member

Gretchen12

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You are legally married so this is still adultery. Probably he felt guilty after you two became intimate, esp. since he knows your husband. Maybe the act of reaching out to you requires some moral debate within him, while responding to you doesn't feel the same. He is right to back off. Don't ruin something that could have been good. No more of this FWB while still married. Maybe he had higher hopes for true love, but you don't even want a real relationship with him. So, if you don't want him for keeps, leave him alone. If you do, you must give it time.

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spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

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If he's not contacting you and letting you do all the chasing, then he's not that interested.

 

He said you were the one that got away. He did not say you were the one that almost got away. The first phrase sounds more definite.

 

I don't know what is going on with him but he's being incredibly lazy. I do not get the feeling he is waiting to see if you are really interested in him this time. It just seems like apathy. Maybe he is just not feeling it this time round.

 

Whatever you decide, I think you should let him do some of the work. He is currently investing nothing.

preraph Established Member

preraph

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Exactly! I think he has a right to be cautious especially considering how we feel about each other ?

 

Already served him 3 months ago. We should be divorced legally by now but ex is dragging his feet.

 

Has he made any response to the court to the divorce papers? If he has responded but not signed papers, you can still divorce him. If he doesn't respond at all, you can still petition the court and force a hearing and get the divorce. He can't hold this up just because he wants to give you a hard time. I know state law varies, but he may only have a month to drag his feet, legally.

geckojohn Member

geckojohn

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This is easy... he's not that into you.

 

Move on or let him make contact with you next and keep your expectation levels low with him.

  • 1 month later...
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FML22 Member

FML22

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Hi all,

 

I’ve been in a FWB type situation for a few weeks now. We are long time friends, have reconnected and both agree to a FWB type situation for now. It’s been fine... until the other day. He was hanging with his ex, which is fine, he was completely honest about it. We talk openly about each other’s exes. I decided to ask him if they were getting back together... part of why I decided to ask him as he has already asked me twice if I was getting back with my ex.. so I figured the question was ‘allowed’ and he’d be open about it. He was not. He basically said if anyone has a problem with him hanging with her, its on them and that he already told me the situation between them. I was kind of taken aback by his response! We have talked about his ex, but, not that much. And I was asking because they hung out which hasn’t happened. Basically, I was asking if the status changed. I explained that to him and he didn’t respond. It’s been a few days now and nothing. I’m kind of confused. We agreed to be open. I don’t know why it is ok for him to ask me (twice) but not ok for me to ask him?! It doesn’t seem fair. What do you all think? TIA

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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He is probably getting back with her, or at least is working at getting back with her and he probably expected you'd have a problem with that. Maybe others have told him it was a bad idea to get back with her and he's now on the defensive about the subject.

 

He's a big jerk, I wouldn't see him again if I were you.

 

 

 

 

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FML22 Member

FML22

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Yes, I figured something struck a chord with him for him to react that way. And for him to say “he’s done” talking about his ex with anyone including me?! Like, we’ve barely talked about her?! Something is up .. I just wish he would be honest either way. Don’t want our friendship to get ruined over this nonsense. He’s not the type to reach out so I can imagine this silence will continue unless I reach out to him. Sighhhhh

Flame Aura Established Member

Flame Aura

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FWB always ends up with one person getting hurt. In this situation I think that person will be you with how things are going.

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