10 year relationship ended 2 months ago, any hope of reconciliation?

September 5, 2019

Hi, this is a long post but I would greatly appreciate any help from here.

2 months ago my girlfriend of 10 years decided to break up after 2 near breakups. I am 28 and she is 29, we had discussed children, lived together for 8 years and both highly educated and stable jobs with good income. We started out as best friends and we had mostly the same hobbies and interest.

The first near breakup was mutual about 1 year ago due to boredom and uncertainty about the future. We quickly realized we wanted to be with each other and started talking about children and marriage. The second time she wanted to break up due to bad my work-life balance and neglect in certain parts of our lives. My work caused me to work overtime many days and become emotionally absent, but I was always very caring when she felt down and always managed to make her feel better. I temporarily fixed the issues the second time, but not enough as I fell back into the same bad behaviour. This ultimately led to the break-up.

When she dumped me she said she did not believe I would change and lost the feelings for me. The week before the breakup she was very loving and told me how much she loved me. We had about 2 weeks NC and then she contacted me to give me closure. I did act desperate on some occasions but never begged or pleaded. The breakup was mostly clean.

After our break-up, I decided to really take actions to make sure this never happens again. I've fixed my work situation, talk with the therapist to improve my behaviour and understand my values in life, meditating and reading self-help books. And I am still doing this to continue to improve myself.

She asked for space, but we've had contact at least once a week. The conversations are mostly about the moving out process but often include more. The last 3 weeks she feels I have become very calm, changed and understanding but still does not want to give the relationship another chance. She believes it is risky as she wants children soon and does not believe in me anymore. Her attitude has been ranging from "it will never be us again" (mostly initially) to "perhaps in the future" to "it's not set in stone" to "I don't think it will be us". We have not met physically since the closure talk, which was one of the times I was desperate.

I have always been friendly and very co-operative and she frequently thanks me for being so understanding. We are actually in a quite good term right now, except that she thinks it weird if we chat too much because we are broken up. Internally I feel like a wreck some days, but always feel very good when helping her out. Last time we spoke about 5 days ago I tried to keep it as short as possible because I know she wants space.

I love her so much that I just want to be there for her. I don't want to bring up any relationship talk since we have been so friendly in the last 3 weeks. I am not sure whether to give her space or just let our short conversations progress naturally. I do not feel it is time to invite her for coffee at this moment. And I am very uncertain of how to progress to make her certain that I am the future dad of her children.

I am just trying to be very persistent, understanding and loving. I wish her the best and I truly believe I am the best for her and want to show her that I can be it.

In my mind there so not the slightest thought of giving up until she finds a serious relationship, in which case I believe it is in our best interest that I let her be.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Your thoughts and kindness are greatly appreciated.

September 5, 2019

I am not sure whether to give her space or just let our short conversations progress naturally. I do not feel it is time to invite her for coffee at this moment. And I am very uncertain of how to progress to make her certain that I am the future dad of her children.

I am just trying to be very persistent, understanding and loving. I wish her the best and I truly believe I am the best for her and want to show her that I can be it.

In my mind there so not the slightest thought of giving up until she finds a serious relationship, in which case I believe it is in our best interest that I let her be.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Your thoughts and kindness are greatly appreciated.

Let me get this straight. This breakup is all on you. She has been faultless throughout the ordeal of stoically putting up with your chronic bad behavior except that it was she who did the breaking up, isn't it?

I see you've worked hard to improve yourself but got little praise or acknowledgment from your GF but I'm sure the there more hoops you can jump through that she will happily provide.

In my opinion, if you start digging around you will find there is someone else. The first red flag was her request for space which almost invariably translates into wanting to test drive her new relationship.

The reason she is so friendly is she doesn't want you making waves and finding out. If things don't work out with the OM she will have an epiphany and tearfully fall back into your grateful arms.

I am sorry but that's what I read. I hope that I'm wrong but I suggest that you do what you can to protect yourself.

September 5, 2019

You two got together as teens. Over the years you have grown into adults. As she approaches 30 & you are not married & she fears that you are some kind of work-aholilic she is throwing all the pieces of her life up in the air to see what else is out there. You could have been a perfect BF & never done anything wrong & she'd still be having this quarter life crisis.

I am not going to say never but you two need some meaningful time apart -- like years so you can both figure out who you are without the other. You have never done that. In the short term, let this go. Mourn the loss then move on & grow.

September 5, 2019

You were together 10 years and never managed to get married and never had kids. A woman's fertility drops drastically after age 35. You factor in the time it takes to build a new relationship from scratch and she knows she is running out of time to have a family. So if it takes her 3 years to meet another guy, build the relationship to marriage (assuming it "gets there"),...that barely leaves her enough time to just barely have three kids. In less than a year she will be over 30 and although it isn't as bad as 35 she still may have trouble conceiving without medical assistance so now that cuts it down to 2 kids and maybe even only 1 depending on how much trouble see has.

So she is probably VERY angry that you put her in this position. You have wasted away her best child bearing years which is about age 19-26 roughly.

To put it into perspective my dad was 22 when I was born, so probably 21 when I was conceived. I have an older sister so he was probably 18 or 19 when she was conceived. Me and my oldest sister were already in school by the time he was your age at 28.

September 5, 2019

Let me get this straight. This breakup is all on you. She has been faultless throughout the ordeal of stoically putting up with your chronic bad behavior except that it was she who did the breaking up, isn't it?

Yes it was she who did the breaking up and the last time it came very suddenly. The near breaks we saw coming.

Initially, I put all the blame on me, but it is more complicated than that. I was loving in my way which did not suit her needs. I showed her love by taking care of her, taking care of housing duties, cooking, pushing her in her career, fitness, economical expenses I deemed necessary for her health. She knows that I am the best at pushing her ambitions, but do not value this at all right now. She values family and friends more. I always tried to push my values on her. Only after the breakup did I realize money and career ambitions are not worth it at the expense of family and friends relationships. The support I have gotten from both her family, my family and friend is invaluable. Barely two weeks after she broke up I fixed my career situation and have not worked beyond normal working hours since then. I refuse to do it even though I have more time now than ever. Instead I use the time for personal development outside career. I realized that my work is high paying enough and to cover all my expenses and live a good life.

Her issues where lack of enthusiasm (which was one of the reasons for the near mutual breakup), afraid of conflicts, bad at communicating what she wanted or when she felt I was working to much (In fact many times she was supporting this behaviour).

My issues are unreliability (falling back to work, how I prioritized etc. This is fixed superficially by fixing my work situation), communication, lack of empathy when stressed (which was a lot lately), frugal. Of course these behaviours manifest in many different way during the day.

I see you've worked hard to improve yourself but got little praise or acknowledgment from your GF but I'm sure the there more hoops you can jump through that she will happily provide.

Thank you. This is what I am putting my focus on nowadays. What do you mean by "I'm sure the there more hoops you can jump through that she will happily provide."?

In my opinion, if you start digging around you will find there is someone else. The first red flag was her request for space which almost invariably translates into wanting to test drive her new relationship.

I thought about this. We are quite open with each other. She has been wanting to dating other people and we've talked about this very maturely during our first breakup. I honestly do not believe she is dating someone right now, because she has asked me for favours that I do not deem would be moral if she was doing it (not sexual). And honestly we were really open about everything until she broke up. The week before breaking up she was suggesting engagement, and talking about kids. It feels like she would at least be more cold before breaking if this was the case. She asked for space directly after the breakup and took time to give me closure and basically I feel I know what she has been up to since the breakup, because I have been continuouesly involved in one way or another. But there is slight chance that she is really good at hiding this. I know she wants to meet somebody though.

The reason she is so friendly is she doesn't want you making waves and finding out. If things don't work out with the OM she will have an epiphany and tearfully fall back into your grateful arms.

I have no interest in digging around and stalking social media etc. I feel that the only important thing is to be the most attractive man, regardless of whom she meets. If it turn out the be the case and they had a sexual relationship. I will have to see how it feels in the future and take a stance then, but right now I feel it is beyond relevance.

I am sorry but that's what I read. I hope that I'm wrong but I suggest that you do what you can to protect yourself.

It would indeed hurt, but right now I feel that whatever chance I have at getting her back is worth it, even though I might get burnt again. I just value what we had too much to let it go without a real fight.

September 5, 2019

You two got together as teens. Over the years you have grown into adults. As she approaches 30 & you are not married & she fears that you are some kind of work-aholilic she is throwing all the pieces of her life up in the air to see what else is out there. You could have been a perfect BF & never done anything wrong & she'd still be having this quarter life crisis.

Yes, and this is also the what I feel is the beauty and value of our relationship. Yes, indeed she said to me that she never believed I could change my work habits. It is now changed and I feel a lot of pressure has relieved. I regret not doing it earlier.

She did give me the vibe of this being a quarter life crisis a while, but the lastest conversations we had seemed very normal - exchanging pleasantries and practicalities, but not exciting.

I am not going to say never but you two need some meaningful time apart -- like years so you can both figure out who you are without the other. You have never done that. In the short term, let this go. Mourn the loss then move on & grow.

The problem here is that years apart basically means forever in our case. She want kids soon and so do I. The pain caused by the breakup did make me grow a lot, so I see your point.

September 5, 2019

You were together 10 years and never managed to get married and never had kids. A woman's fertility drops drastically after age 35. You factor in the time it takes to build a new relationship from scratch and she knows she is running out of time to have a family. So if it takes her 3 years to meet another guy, build the relationship to marriage (assuming it "gets there"),...that barely leaves her enough time to just barely have three kids. In less than a year she will be over 30 and although it isn't as bad as 35 she still may have trouble conceiving without medical assistance so now that cuts it down to 2 kids and maybe even only 1 depending on how much trouble see has.

So she is probably VERY angry that you put her in this position. You have wasted away her best child bearing years which is about age 19-26 roughly.

Indeed and we were well aware of the fertility issues, which is why we already finished talking about kids. I believe that I gave her the impression that I did not have the same urgency than her. This coupled with the fact that I have shown sign unreliability (not managing to keep a good work-life balance) is certainly a huge factor. And this is also why I believe it is in both our best interest to solve our relationship.

She was initially angry at this, but lately (after the breakup) she has been talking about kids is not that important if you find a good relationship, as well as a desire to find a guy to get a kid. So her thoughts seem to wander.

To put it into perspective my dad was 22 when I was born, so probably 21 when I was conceived. I have an older sister so he was probably 18 or 19 when she was conceived. Me and my oldest sister were already in school by the time he was your age at 28.

I see your point. I do believe in modern society the age for getting the first kids tends to go up, especially among people with higher education. But i certainly agree that this is not optimal for child bearing.

September 5, 2019

One thing I wonder is what could be cause of slow moving out? My ex was supposed to move out 1 weeks ago. I gave her time and space to do it, but she still left small stuff that she later messaged me about. I feel that those stuff could easily have fit in the last transportation.

Since I am trying to give space I just replied politely and to the point.

I am considering taking a serious and open talk about how I believe we could fix our relation from the improvements I've made and I plan to continue making. But I feel it is best to show her. It is hard to show when she does not want to meet physically though. I know she will listen to me, but I do not know if she will accept it. I always believed it is better to show than to talk anyways. What do you feel about this?

Edited September 5, 2019 by novpt

September 5, 2019

What do you mean by "I'm sure that there are more hoops you can jump through that she will happily provide?"

You have already met her complaints by modifying that which she felt was wrong. I would have expected her to recognize the good faith effort and return home. Instead she is moving farther away with no physical meetings. I expect she will have other self-improvement demands for you to meet which I described as “Hoops” for you to jump through. Something to keep you busy.

She has been wanting to date other people and we've talked about this very maturely during our first breakup. I honestly do not believe she is dating someone right now,

You have reinforced my feelings that there is someone else, but it becomes a moot point since you find that it has no relevance. You will cross that bridge when you come to it. I hope the bridge isn’t on fire.

All things considered you are not in very tenable position. You are not married, and you have no children so there are not legalities involved unless you wish to invoke common-law marriage. That would mostly deal with financial matters. You might use it as a delaying tactic but otherwise you have no hold on her that she doesn’t want to recognize.

I see no real reason for her to stay with you except for the shared emotional connection and she’s moved out. She doesn’t want to see you. How strong is the connection on her end?

How are you going to fight for her? How are you going to be the most attractive choice is she refuses to see you?

One other thing I noticed is that the way she is handling this breakup seems designed to wean you away from the relationship. I say that because she is talking to you and being nice, but she won’t see you? It’s not to engender affection because she’s not with you it’s to condition you to accept her physical absence from your life.

The next move should be to cut down on the phone calls or just do text.

I wish you luck but I have no faith in your strategy.

Please prove me wrong.

Edited September 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

September 5, 2019

Are you open to a Hail Mary? Show up with a ring, get down on one knee & see what she says. If you are committed to her & this relationship, what have you got to lose by proposing. The worst she can do is say no. Since you are already broken up, you can always take the ring back. (make sure you know what the return policy is before you buy it because this has a slim chance of working).

September 6, 2019

What do you mean by "I'm sure that there are more hoops you can jump through that she will happily provide?"

You have already met her complaints by modifying that which she felt was wrong. I would have expected her to recognize the good faith effort and return home. Instead she is moving farther away with no physical meetings. I expect she will have other self-improvement demands for you to meet which I described as Â“HoopsÂ” for you to jump through. Something to keep you busy.

I see. She did actually not move farther away. I have not asked for a physical meeting. I've only complied to her request that I am not at home when picking up her belongings. I believe she is concerned whether I have changed the root cause of my behaviour (why have i prioritized as I did, why am I unreliable etc.). She believes I am only making superficial changes. She understands that changing core behavioural attituted will take much longer time than 2 months and has expressed that If we might be something it will be 8-12months down the line.

She has also expressed concern about what other people will think of her if she does not hold this decision. I feel that this is an self-esteem issue related to pride. This issue however comes from her side and I do not know affect it.

Perhaps I should ask soon and se if we could reestablish better contact. I am thinking whether or not it is I should let her have a real breather for a couple of weeks before as we have not had any meaningful NC, since the breakup. What do you think about this?

She has been wanting to date other people and we've talked about this very maturely during our first breakup. I honestly do not believe she is dating someone right now,

You have reinforced my feelings that there is someone else, but it becomes a moot point since you find that it has no relevance. You will cross that bridge when you come to it. I hope the bridge isnÂ’t on fire.

Yes, indeed it is moot. I will give call it quits if there is someone and they get serious though. This is the only respectful option for both of us.

All things considered you are not in very tenable position. You are not married, and you have no children so there are not legalities involved unless you wish to invoke common-law marriage. That would mostly deal with financial matters. You might use it as a delaying tactic but otherwise you have no hold on her that she doesnÂ’t want to recognize.

I realize this. Even if this was the case I would not raise any legalities to force her to be here. I believe that a relationship should come without forcing or manipulating behaviour, especially after a relationship this long. I would not change my behaviour if I truly did not believe it was in my own longterm best interest.

I see no real reason for her to stay with you except for the shared emotional connection and sheÂ’s moved out. She doesnÂ’t want to see you. How strong is the connection on her end?

I do now know how strong her connection is right now. She was very dedicated before, but the day she broke up she was very cold, got cold and hot for a while and since I became very calm around 3 weeks ago she has been very polite. I believe she is doing all in her power to disconnect, perhaps she already has, since I have made it quite easy for her without the NC. I have never allowed her to miss me.

I from both sides the only reason to stay is emotional connection and the possibility to have kids when we wanted to in life.

How are you going to fight for her? How are you going to be the most attractive choice is she refuses to see you?

Mostly by respecting her need and working on myself. I have not asked for any meeting ever, because I have not felt it is the right moment to ask. Initially I planned to keep NC but being polite if she wanted something, but this tactic basically became a no NC. I am thinking about when to ask her to se me and how to do it right now.

One other thing I noticed is that the way she is handling this breakup seems designed to wean you away from the relationship. I say that because she is talking to you and being nice, but she wonÂ’t see you? ItÂ’s not to engender affection because sheÂ’s not with you itÂ’s to condition you to accept her physical absence from your life.

The next move should be to cut down on the phone calls or just do text.

Yes, It feels it is like that. In the case of asking for favours, is this purely egoistical then?

I have been trying to make it easier for her to ger space as well, but from the view that it might be good to have some distance before reaching out again.

I wish you luck but I have no faith in your strategy.

Please prove me wrong.

I appreciate your wished and also hope that you are wrong. I still have faith in her.

What do you think about start a month NC at this point?

September 6, 2019

Are you open to a Hail Mary? Show up with a ring, get down on one knee & see what she says. If you are committed to her & this relationship, what have you got to lose by proposing. The worst she can do is say no. Since you are already broken up, you can always take the ring back. (make sure you know what the return policy is before you buy it because this has a slim chance of working).

I am open to it, but I believe this is the ultimate display of desperation. I was considering doing something much less dramatic, but she found out about it before from a mutual friend (this was one of my displays of desperation) and said she is glad I did not do it, since she would be so mad.

This is a really hard situation.

September 6, 2019

I am open to it, but I believe this is the ultimate display of desperation. I was considering doing something much less dramatic, but she found out about it before from a mutual friend (this was one of my displays of desperation) and said she is glad I did not do it, since she would be so mad. .

What was it you wanted to do?

September 6, 2019

What was it you wanted to do?

Basically just trying to show up at her place and showing that I really wanted to hold a face-to-tace conversation. So, it is much less than the engagement hail-mary.

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10 year relationship ended 2 months ago, any hope of reconciliation?

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