Adjusting to dating heavier women as I age

[elaine567]

As in working out hard, watching their diet, not smoking or drinking. Wouldn't say that's a low bar, most people feel they can't do it. Yet everyone can.

 

Not everyone.

Some cannot "work out hard" due to medical problems or disability...

without exercise in the mix it is tantamount to starvation...

[mark clemson]

Male here, a couple thoughts:

 

I've never been overly troubled by slightly heavier women. I like both fit and slightly overweight women. I actually don't like very lean women. The are too "skin and bones" for me.

 

Having been through multiple pregnancies with my wife, I certainly wasn't going to forego sex for multiple years just because she had gained weight. Have you gone through a partner's pregnancy? What did you do then?

 

In my wife's case she eventually lost the "baby weight" after several years, so she's now reasonably fit. Generally she has "held up well" for a woman in her mid/late 40's.

 

Very few people in their late 40's have really good bodies anymore. I say get used to it as it will mean you have a lot more partners in your age group.

 

I also say if the sex is good, the personality is good, and everything else is good - what are you worried about? What other people think? Who cares?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

As in working out hard, watching their diet, not smoking or drinking. Wouldn't say that's a low bar, most people feel they can't do it. Yet everyone can.

 

No, not everyone can. Some people have painful conditions. Do you know anyone with a disability?

[alphamale]

I've never been overly troubled by slightly heavier women. I like both fit and slightly overweight women. I actually don't like very lean women. The are too "skin and bones" for me.

 

most men think the way you do mark clemson

[Calmandfocused]

I’m 40 and a uk size 8 (US 4). Most of my friends are of a similar age (ranging from 30s to 50s and have a similar body type/ size to me. The largest of my friends is a uk size 12 (US 8) so not big at all.

 

I’m therefore struggling to comprehend why you think older = bigger? Yes there are obese women everywhere but it’s not correlated to age from what I’ve observed.

 

Op do you live in a county/ area where obesity is high? It’s the only explanation I can think of.

 

But to answer your question: not all women’s figures go to pieces as they age. And slimmer women in that age range do exist. Go find them if that’s what you want.

[Maggiemay1]

But now that I am in my 40s I understand I will likely have to make certain concessions with women I date. I've NEVER brought this topic up in front of her, but she has told me a few times (without my prompting) that women start gaining weight in their 40s and have a harder time losing it versus what men can do.

 

Early 40’s??

When I read the title I was assuming 50-60.

What concessions do you think she made to date you?

[thefooloftheyear]

Maybe it is getting harder....esp for women...

 

https://www.msn.com/en-us/health/weightloss/why-you-should-worry-more-about-your-waist-than-your-weight/ar-AAD1Han?ocid=spartanntp

 

"During this century, the average waist circumference for men in this country has crept up by more than an inch, from 39 to 40.2 inches, according to recent statistics from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The increase for women has been even greater, with the average waistline circumference jumping from 36.3 to 38.6 inches since the last survey, in 1999-2000."

 

These numbers are nuts...I'm a middle aged 225 b guy with a 33/34" waist, I wouldn't have believed that the average woman is now getting close to 40..

 

TFY

Edited September 7, 2019 by thefooloftheyear

[fromheart]

No, not everyone can. Some people have painful conditions. Do you know anyone with a disability?

 

Yes, some people are born without legs, or central organs. That doesn't mean a relatively healthy person can use that as an excuse though.

 

And to answer your question, one of my trainers has a disability.

Edited September 7, 2019 by fromheart

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes, some people are born without legs, or central organs. That doesn't mean a relatively healthy person can use that as an excuse though.

 

And to answer your question, one of my trainers has a disability.

 

Well, I was talking about pain. I have a good friend with a disease like rheumatoid arthritis. Her hands swell up like sausages, and she's generally puffy from her meds. She is very overweight because she is in so much pain all the time she can't even work as a nurse anymore and some days can't even get out of bed, let alone exercise at all. She would be in the "everyone can't just do it" category. Somehow her thin husband still adores her .

 

Sadly, her teenage son has now been diagnosed so he has a lifetime ahead of him of this pain .

[chillii]

Maybe it is getting harder....esp for women...

 

https://www.msn.com/en-us/health/weightloss/why-you-should-worry-more-about-your-waist-than-your-weight/ar-AAD1Han?ocid=spartanntp

 

"During this century, the average waist circumference for men in this country has crept up by more than an inch, from 39 to 40.2 inches, according to recent statistics from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The increase for women has been even greater, with the average waistline circumference jumping from 36.3 to 38.6 inches since the last survey, in 1999-2000."

 

These numbers are nuts...I'm a middle aged 225 b guy with a 33/34" waist, I wouldn't have believed that the average woman is now getting close to 40..

 

TFY

 

 

 

 

 

 

That's bloody huge,bigger than me and l'm 6ft, couldn't go there with that kinda size.

[fromheart]

Well, I was talking about pain. I have a good friend with a disease like rheumatoid arthritis. Her hands swell up like sausages, and she's generally puffy from her meds. She is very overweight because she is in so much pain all the time she can't even work as a nurse anymore and some days can't even get out of bed, let alone exercise at all. She would be in the "everyone can't just do it" category. Somehow her thin husband still adores her .

 

Sadly, her teenage son has now been diagnosed so he has a lifetime ahead of him of this pain .

 

Yes, my trainer was in considerable pain until she found a routine that alleviated the pain. She was in wheelchair in fact, she can now move around but with a noticeable limp.

 

Sorry to hear about your friend.

 

My comments were directed at those in relative good health, as I said. ie don't have a serious disease or disability. That's the average person you'll see on the street of a first world country. Their obesity and lack of health is due to a decision, not a condition.

 

Though perhaps a mental condition like depression.

Edited September 7, 2019 by fromheart

[preraph]

I'd say if you work on yourself with dedication, your going to look great naked to somebody out there.

 

It's a shot, but really at a certain attractiveness level (not high), you're relying on your personality to get you a mate. There are countless unattractive people out there that no amount of diet or workout will improve and a lot of them are coupled up despite it. They find value otherwise and find each other. If you have an unfortunate face, a decent body still isn't going to make you an attractive person. So you better be a nice good fun person and you better not be looking for a looker.

Edited September 7, 2019 by preraph

[kendahke]

All humans put on weight as they age, especially if they've had children--it has to do with how we're designed to age.

 

Your alternative is to remain alone if you don't like this fact of physiology.

[Happy Lemming]

Before my 50th birthday I dieted like mad & got back down to bikini size so I could wear one on Waikiki beach where DH took me to celebrate (shameless brag: love him! ) Anyway, as soon as I walked on the beach, DH ordered me a pina coloda & some caloric fried thing for lunch & begged me to eat something saying he'd much rather fat & happy then this miserable skinny version of myself I'd become who was always hungry.

 

100% Agree with your DH.

 

I'd much rather date a happy curvy/chubby woman, then a skinny angry one.

 

I dated one woman that was 98 lbs. and she was always starving, wouldn't eat for fear of gaining weight. She was miserable and I broke up with her just for that reason. I didn't care how great she looked (naked or otherwise), I couldn't take being around that type of person. No fun!

Edited September 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[CautiouslyOptimistic]

All humans put on weight as they age, especially if they've had children--it has to do with how we're designed to age.

 

Hmmmm, not sure I agree with this. I know a lot of really skinny old people!

[FMW]

For the purposes of this post, it doesn't matter whether or not the woman OP is dealing with has the ability to lose weight or not.

 

She shouldn't have to lose weight to please him (or anyone else), she's probably aware that if she were thinner she would have a larger pool to choose from, but if she has the ability to be smaller that's clearly not a priority to her. I'm sure she would be humiliated if she knew he felt this way.

 

He shouldn't be with someone he finds so lacking in desireability. He entered into the relationship by his own choice and can exit it the same way.

 

It's really not a difficult situation. We naturally overlook things that are less than what we find optimal in others if we are truly emotionally invested in them.

 

She doesn't need his charity. He doesn't need to feel obligated.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She doesn't need his charity. He doesn't need to feel obligated.

 

Well put .

[fromheart]

It's a shot, but really at a certain attractiveness level (not high), you're relying on your personality to get you a mate. There are countless unattractive people out there that no amount of diet or workout will improve and a lot of them are coupled up despite it. They find value otherwise and find each other. If you have an unfortunate face, a decent body still isn't going to make you an attractive person. So you better be a nice good fun person and you better not be looking for a looker.

 

 

Ah, but good training isn't just for physical, aesthetic results. It's the mental discipline and self respect involved, that brings character, emotional responsibility, skills that can be applied to all walks of life. This is also very attractive.

 

I see 'average,' people all the time that have optimized what they have to the point that they are stunning. Physical, mental, emotional.

 

I strongly disagree that correct diet and exercise, will not increase all areas of a persons life, including attractiveness. There's no such thing as an unfortunate face, its what someone has done with themselves that makes their face.

Edited September 7, 2019 by fromheart

[chillii]

lt's pretty simple , a lot of western women and a lot of men too don't look after themselves.

All the excuses in the world when many other cultures don't allow themselves to age like that whether they've had kids or not . They eat good foods and are in touch with themselves , it's the standard there just like being over weight seems to be the standard in a lot western society or whatever tf you call it.

But no way you have to except that , there are also as l've said plenty of women that can look after themselves , mine does , l do. She could easily be 20kg heavier l've seen plenty of women her build once now as big as a damn horse. And she's a long long way from grumpy and bitchy , one of the happiest most up heaps of energy people l've ever known.

They're around in any culture, no way l was going there but as they say round here ya gotta kiss a lot of toads or something like that or as in this case look through a lot to find your jewel, well depends what country you live in to l spose. Here many tend to be way over weight but many aren't too and there's also plenty of other nationalities too.

My 6 sisters all have kids bar one and are all in great shape and far from miserable but well here ya go , the one that doesn't have kids is twice the size of the other 5.

 

Yaknow to me it's pretty simple , women don't hesitate carrying on about men pot bellys balding and ra ra ra , it's probably all through this thread alone well, l don't go for females with bigger belly's than most men or twice the size they use to be l'm sleeping with them. Don't really see a problem though the over weight people can sleep with the over weight people and all is well in the world.

Edited September 8, 2019 by chillii

[IslandSanctuary]

For a start Id try to get her off that diet soda/coke rubbish and get her drinking at least two to three litres of water per day ( I am a bit of a health nut although in fairness I struggle to practice what I preach)

have her drinking no sugary soft drinks,

the odd glass of wine ok maybe,

 

encourage her to eat loads of fruit and vegetables and get out exercising, maybe join a sports club, you could be more subtle and propose it as a way to make new friends.

 

If I was together with the lady for a number of years already, I guess Id be prepared to overlook this and settle for a more companionship based relationship,

 

Personally I might find it hard to still sexually desire her but I would stay with her of course if all good otherwise,

 

yes plenty of fine slim looking women in their 40s so no reason why she cannot keep herself in top shape:)

 

Too much water flushes nutrients. If you eat a lot of vegetables and cut carbs it drastically reduces your thirst. I agree with the water drinking - but only when you are thirsty. 2-3 litres a day is incredibly excessive even for an incredibly active person.

Fruit has fructose, again isnt healthy its a common myth. Sure it's better than Mcds, but Mcds is basically capitalist poison. Reduce insulin as much as possible to lose weight. Fruit spikes insulin. I eat 5000 calories of leafy greens, broccoli, cauliflower meat and cheese every day and basically zero carbs (These veges with indigestible fiber are basically void of carbs) and I have a stomach like a skinny dog

[Maggiemay1]

It seems to me that the thread has gone off on a tangent.

 

It’s turned from a 40’s male complaining about his gf’s weight and seemingly embarrassed of her in public , somewhat repulsed by her in private and how he can I’ve come that perception given that apart from her weight , he talks highly of her .... to people suggesting she needs to workout , change her diet etc.

Why? She is not the one who posted the thread.

 

This is his issue , not hers.

 

OP, you need to let her go , continue your search to find what fits your ideal and set her free to find a man who loves her as she is.

There are many men out there for her.

[elaine567]

...people suggesting she needs to workout , change her diet etc.

Why? She is not the one who posted the thread.

 

This is his issue , not hers.

There are many men out there for her.

 

It is horses for courses, plenty men like overweight women, plenty women like overweight men.

She is in her forties, SHE will decide to change her diet and her lifestyle or not, it is up to her, not him. She will be the one slogging it out in the gym or denying herself food. I guess if she is overweight then that is how she will stay, unless she gets a health scare or she becomes seriously ill. Perimenopausal and menopausal women find it very difficult to lose weight without starvation diets. The trick is not to put it on in the first place, so you don't need to go on extreme diets in your 40s, 50s, 60s...

 

Few will "change" anything long term. If he wants a slim gf then he needs to date slim women.

Finding an overweight one and expecting her to change into a sylph is a tall order...

[Tristian]

It seems to me that the thread has gone off on a tangent.

 

 

I agree

 

 

Since the OP hasn't been back since starting this thread we will close it up.