Adjusting to dating heavier women as I age

[Reltubsirch0412]

I'm now in my early 40s. A woman I'm seeing is the exact same age as me. And she's maybe 20 to 30 pounds heavier than I would prefer and am used to. I've seen pictures of her in her 20s and 30s. She had a nice figure AND a nice body. Had I known her back then I totally would have dated her.

 

But now that I am in my 40s I understand I will likely have to make certain concessions with women I date. I've NEVER brought this topic up in front of her, but she has told me a few times (without my prompting) that women start gaining weight in their 40s and have a harder time losing it versus what men can do.

 

I have gained a little bit of weight the past 10 years, but I don't think anybody would call me overweight, and I like the way I look. I exercise. I'm not a health-nut, but I do try hard to take care of myself.

 

She doesn't seem to eat a lot of junk food....but she can wolf down a liter of diet soda in a matter of a day or two. And I think that might be the reason for the weight gain. She never drinks water or any other liquid. ONLY Diet Coke.

 

This is a really sweet woman. Sweeter than I am used to...and very helpful. The sex between us is good. Under the sheets. With us both horizontal. I don't think I would want to shower with her with her standing up in a brightly-lit room, though. She seems self-consious about her body. She won't walk around naked like I will in the bedroom.

 

I'm not looking for a woman with a supermodel body, but I do like a woman to take care of herself and not be overweight.

 

So, I guess this question is for fellow men. Are you still in good shape, but your wife or girlfriend has gained weight as you two have aged? Are you OK with it? Are you self-conscious about her weight? How do you adjust to the fact that we're older and women our age don't have the same metabolism they once did? Or can women in their 40s be thinner?

 

I realize this post makes me look like a superficial ***hole, but so be it.

 

I'm eager to read your thoughts.

[alphamale]

I realize this post makes me look like a superficial ***hole, but so be it.

 

it does but us men are like that

[FMW]

Your preference is your preference, don't worry about being shallow. You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone if they are too heavy, too skinny, too tall, too short, etc.

 

FWIW, I'm 54 and I have quite a few single women friends in their 40s, 50s, and beyond. Most of them are slim. So keep looking.

 

And btw, if you think a woman is too big you aren't going to be doing her any favors by dating her. Leave her free to date men who appreciate what she has to offer.

[Foxhall]

For a start Id try to get her off that diet soda/coke rubbish and get her drinking at least two to three litres of water per day ( I am a bit of a health nut although in fairness I struggle to practice what I preach)

have her drinking no sugary soft drinks,

the odd glass of wine ok maybe,

 

encourage her to eat loads of fruit and vegetables and get out exercising, maybe join a sports club, you could be more subtle and propose it as a way to make new friends.

 

If I was together with the lady for a number of years already, I guess Id be prepared to overlook this and settle for a more companionship based relationship,

 

Personally I might find it hard to still sexually desire her but I would stay with her of course if all good otherwise,

 

yes plenty of fine slim looking women in their 40s so no reason why she cannot keep herself in top shape:)

[basil67]

Foxhall's advice is terrific IF she asks for your support in losing weight. But if she doesn't ask for your advice or help, you'd be overstepping your mark.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Diet coke has zero calories so that has nothing to do with her weight. It would be another story if she was drinking regular coke.

 

Please break up with her soon. She likely senses how you feel and it's going to destroy her confidence.

 

BTW most men in their 40s that I know have beer guts, are balding with grey hair. Not exactly attractive. I find younger men much more attractive for that reason.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

This isn't something you'll get over. You should just break up with her to let her find someone who is OK with her physique.

[d0nnivain]

I'm a woman who has gained almost 40 pounds over the last 10 years. When I hit 40 my metabolism went to hell but I also discovered how much I love good food. My lifestyle changed too. I used to live in a 3rd floor walk up but now have a house & drive everywhere. I was underweight, borderline anorexic when I was younger so I had some room to pack on the pounds. I do not like my body but it's hard to lose weight. Before my 50th birthday I dieted like mad & got back down to bikini size so I could wear one on Waikiki beach where DH took me to celebrate (shameless brag: love him! ) Anyway, as soon as I walked on the beach, DH ordered me a pina coloda & some caloric fried thing for lunch & begged me to eat something saying he'd much rather fat & happy then this miserable skinny version of myself I'd become who was always hungry.

Edited September 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Veronica73]

I’m just going to say...it absolutely is harder for women than it is for men. But you are entitled to your preferences.

[Foxhall]

Diet coke has zero calories so that has nothing to do with her weight. It would be another story if she was drinking regular coke.

 

Please break up with her soon. She likely senses how you feel and it's going to destroy her confidence.

 

BTW most men in their 40s that I know have beer guts, are balding with grey hair. Not exactly attractive. I find younger men much more attractive for that reason.

 

 

diet coke has artificial sweeteners however which are as bad if not worse than regular sugar.

 

hmmn Im not quite 40 yet though closer than I want to be, think I can avoid the belly, the grey hairs however are appearing so that will be more challenging:confused:

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

diet coke has artificial sweeteners however which are as bad if not worse than regular sugar.

 

hmmn Im not quite 40 yet though closer than I want to be, think I can avoid the belly, the grey hairs however are appearing so that will be more challenging:confused:

 

But gray hair looks good on a man. Fat doesn't look good on a woman. There's a big difference and you are comparing apples to oranges.

[Foxhall]

right enough, George Clooney anyway seems to work for him:cool:

[norealusername]

American women tend to become quite large after age 30.... Think overweight linebacker…..not attractive, not feminine. This is why I left the country to meet women, like many others are doing.

[Slate]

Diet sodas screw with the body's metabolism and can indirectly be responsible for weight gain.

 

Regardless, diet soda isn't healthy, it's empty calories and infinitely worse than just plain water. If a person cannot restrain themselves from gulping down a 2 liter bottle in 2 days then they probably don't have the discipline to eat right and exercise regularly. Keeping the weight off gets more difficult as we age, and it's something that needs to be worked at, constantly. If she's not engaging in cardiovascular exercise at least 4-5x per week for 45 minutes each time then she is certainly responsible for the extra poundage and has no one to blame but herself.

 

I'm mid to late 50s and dropped 40 lbs over the past 2 years by going to the gym regularly and being somewhat careful about what I eat- little to no booze, rarely eat any deserts and think twice before pigging out on carbs and other crap that isn't worth the calories.

 

I'm in good shape, and I know what it takes. Blaming my age doesn't make me thinner, and I wouldn't be with a partner who is 20-30 lbs overweight.

 

 

 

That much being said, I can empathize with the Op because my girlfriend's figure is slowly disappearing under a layer of fat and she's not doing much about it.

Edited September 4, 2019 by Slate

[elaine567]

Sweeteners do not cause weight gain per se but they do alter the perception of sweetness, so users tend to try and source sweeter things to satisfy their craving for excessively sweet things.

As most sweet things contain sugar, then weight gain ensues

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Sweeteners do not cause weight gain per se but they do alter the perception of sweetness, so users tend to try and source sweeter things to satisfy their craving for excessively sweet things.

As most sweet things contain sugar, then weight gain ensues

 

Not to mention the chemicals are just horrible for you. I have heard diet sodas make you crave sweets, though. Probably better than regular soda for the waistline, though....if you don't give in to sweets cravings!

[amaysngrace]

Soda is terrible. It doesn’t matter which kind.

[alphamale]

Soda is terrible. It doesn’t matter which kind.

 

diet soda is bad for you but regular soda is 10x worse

[Sam2020]

it does but us men are like that

 

Yes, but many of us women are like that as well. . I figure that I'm in great shape so I'd like a guy who is also in great shape. Like for like.

 

 

Your preference is your preference, don't worry about being shallow. You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone if they are too heavy, too skinny, too tall, too short, etc.

 

FWIW, I'm 54 and I have quite a few single women friends in their 40s, 50s, and beyond. Most of them are slim. So keep looking.

 

And btw, if you think a woman is too big you aren't going to be doing her any favors by dating her. Leave her free to date men who appreciate what she has to offer.

 

This is so true! I'm around your age and ALL my gf's are slim like me.

 

 

 

Drinking any form of soft drinks, diet or not, are awful for the body and mind. I am a big time foodie but I also don't overindulge.

 

If you are questioning others about being bothered by a woman's size, then do her and yourself a favor and end the relationship. Everyone is entitled to be attracted (or not attracted) to certain aspects of another person.

[MsJayne]

Dating people you don't find physically attractive is unhealthy for all involved. If you met a woman who you thought was really hot you'd probably dump Miss Diet Soda quick smart, so maybe do her a big favour and stop using her to fill a void in your life.

[Cersei]

I think you should find someone who already has an active healthy lifestyle like yourself. Don't try to make this girl into what you prefer.

 

I have to admit that I (after losing just under 70 lbs) am now only interested in healthy active guys. It has nothing to do with physical attraction. I never minded heavier guys when I was heavy.

 

But I now want a guy that will run, bike, walk and lift weights with me and keep me off the couch. I don't want someone to get fat again with.

[mortensorchid]

This is a sticky issue with people. I have two guy friends who openly go for bigger girls - one because he wants to be the center of their universe, the other because he said that all the skinny women (except for me, he told me) are bitchy. I know another two guys who like women with perfect bodies and don't go for average or heavier ones because they're shallow.

 

In terms of the women I know? I don't think any of them really go for a certain body type, but I have been accused by others of going for extremes and I realize this is true - I like them as either gorgeous pretty boys or ugly monsters, no in betweens.

 

But weight gain ... Well, you can't avoid it as you get older unfortunately. It would be foolish if not downright nieve of anyone to think that they can maintain the same body they had in high school. I got down to the middle range of my high school weight when I dropped 40 lbs in 2006, but couldn't maintain it because that means you have to eat NOTHING. And I like a cheeseburger every once in a while. And I admit, I can be rather size-ist like a lot of others. We just don't want to admit certain things.

 

Try to find a happy medium.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

But weight gain ... Well, you can't avoid it as you get older unfortunately. It would be foolish if not downright nieve of anyone to think that they can maintain the same body they had in high school. I got down to the middle range of my high school weight when I dropped 40 lbs in 2006, but couldn't maintain it because that means you have to eat NOTHING.

 

This is definitely true, for women at least. The only time I've been at my absolute ideal (what I desired) weight over 40 was when I was barely eating. It's really hard when peri-menopausal hormones get into the mix. I have girlfriends who are really tiny/skinny/toned but they also don't eat .

[alphamale]

I have girlfriends who are really tiny/skinny/toned but they also don't eat .

 

how does you body get energy if you don't eat CO?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

how does you body get energy if you don't eat CO?

 

They eat very very little. Nothing enjoyable. That's what I meant. They are obsessed with every calorie. And I get it....it works! When I am in that mode, it works. But, it's hard to sustain if you want any pleasure in your life lol.