How do I approach my long-distance friend

[ajain97]

Hi,

 

TL;DR: one of my very close friends (long-distance) is going through a bad time and is not communicative about what is actually happening. I am feeling left out and hurt but I want to be there for her and understand what she's going through. What can I do?

 

I would like some advice about this situation with one of my best friends. I (22 M) have known her only one year. We were both at the same college and met at an internship. I have been hanging out with her one-on-one from January and we became very close until I left in May. She still lives and works there, in Florida, while I am in North Carolina in grad school.

 

We've been in touch since I left - and still are in touch regularly. Mostly texts with a couple of scheduled calls in the past, the last of which was about 6 weeks ago. That call went great as usual, she caught me up on her new job which was keeping her very busy but which she said she was enjoying.

 

Over the past month, however, things have been different. A month ago, I reached out and asked if we could catch up again sometime and she said that she had been in hospital as work was keeping her so busy that she was not taking care of her health. 10 days later I asked her how she was, she said she was just very busy - and given my previous request to catch up, she asked if I wanted to call. I told her that if she's too busy I don't want to force her to catch up and we can do it later.

 

Fast forward another 10 days, and she texts that her life is in a bad stage right now but does not offer details even when I asked. We schedule a call for the next week, but she has to cancel last-minute (itself not a red flag as it has happened before too). I start becoming VERY worried and tell her that I am always there for her. However, this time she does not offer any new times to talk even after I ask to reschedule.

 

I worry that I've been overbearing and I aplogise, however she does not see it as an issue and is responsive on texts. She indicates that she wants to talk sometime but there's no sign of it just yet.

 

This morning I reach out again and she kinda-sorta tells me something: she says that she does not want to go back to her adult life. She does not say anything else and does not want to talk about it too right now.

 

I am super worried and I don't know what to do or how to help. She is one of my most important friends and I feel extremely helpless and very very worried. I am also feeling hurt that I am not being kept in the loop. I have not told her this because I do not want to add any more drama. But I have made it clear that I would love to understand what's going on. She is a private person and I respect her privacy. But I wish I could speak to her.

 

How can I handle this situation? I find it hard to wait and am getting very anxious by not knowing what's up. We do not have any mutual friends however I have met her boyfriend and one of her other friends is an acquaintance. I would love to ask them how she is doing but I do not want to be intrusive.

 

Bottom line is that: she is a very important friend and I always want to be there for her and not knowing what's going on with her is very hard for me right now.

 

Thoughts? What should I do?

 

Thanks,

Ansh

Edited September 4, 2019 by ajain97

[preraph]

She simply doesn't feel like sharing this personal business with you, so there's nothing you should keep trying to do. She cancelled your call, so she really doesn't want to talk about it with you. It's possible she is trying to break off with you entirely by doing the slow fade. I think you should leave it to her and see if left all alone, she contacts you, but you should stop trying to pry into her business. If that is really something going on with her, she's already decided it's nothing she'll share with you. If it's just her trying to distance herself, either way, just leave it up to her to see if she makes any contact with you on her own or not.

[schlumpy]

I'm not sure she is your best friend from her point of view. If you were, she would be eager to share details but she's put up a wall.

 

You can dig around the edges with her friends, parents and associates but not directly if you wish to respect her. For some reason she doesn't want you to know. That does have bad implications.

 

Leave her alone. Say a prayer for her every night and maybe even light a candle. It may be a lonely vigil.

[ajain97]

Hi thank you both your replies.

 

I do sometimes also fear too that she's trying to cut me off. A past experience of a friend who was very close one day and then suddenly not friendly the next day (co-indentally on my birthday) has made me extremely sensitive to this possibility.

 

But objectively I am not sure if that may be happening, even though it's a fear. I even asked her if she wants me to back off communication and apologized for asking to catch up and she replied back saying that she wants to catch up sometime, but without mentioning when. I'm just saying that she's still communicative over text. And I just cannot think of a reason she may want to cut back at least based on my actions. I have tried to be a good person and friend and when I left Florida in May, we left on a really good note and have had good communication throughout until our last call 6 weeks ago. And she did offer to have a call which I declined cause she was too busy and I didn't want her to stress about it.

 

I have been the initiator of most communication and hanging out, even when we met in person before I left. I don't want to not reach out and wait for her to reach out as even if things are fine, she probably won't for a long time. I don't want to play games. Some people just don't initiate much.

 

I am very deliberate about who I choose to become friends with and that past experience where a friend was suddenly no longer a friend broke me well. I spent time with only those who were still my friends and lost the energy to make new ones. While I am not 100% sure where I stand with this friend who is the question of the OP, I am sure that if it does turn out to be a slow-fade, I will be devastated simply because of how much I value her and how well we connect. She means a lot to me and I will probably lose the ability to trust someone for a while after if things are not right. Let's hope that's not what's going on

[preraph]

There doesn't have to be a reason. She could, and rightly so, just feel you are way more invested than she is and that is making her uncomfortable. It would me. I don't want someone dependent on me or invading my privacy when I don't feel it's their place.

 

By wanting to catch up, that is not the same as wanting to maintain a steady friendship. That is more like, I don't hate you and hope you do well in life, but I don't need to stay involved.

[ajain97]

I get what you're saying but if it's true it would just seem very abrupt. I don't know. I'm just very confused. It would feel more natural if we reduced communication and went on different paths.

 

I could reduce my frequency of reaching out. Even though she does not say that she would prefer less communication when I asked, and she has been responding to my texts immediately. She has never been a big texter with me and I don't sense any change in texting habits to now except that now she always says that she misses me; not sure if it's meaningful; I typically tend to take people I like and respect at face value

 

I guess what I want to know is that IF I could be confident that she does not feel any differently about our friendship than she did at the time I left, how should I approach the situation? I want to balance out her need for privacy and space along with fulfilling my need of wanting to be with her in a constructive way during a bad time (and yes, I recognise that this is my need). Is such a solution even possible?

 

And if the friendship is indeed dying, how can I rekindle it? I am having no problems as of yet maintaining my friendships with my other close friends from college though of course everyone is in a different life stage right now

 

Not sure if this is a relevant point: she is very private on social media for reasons I totally understand. She in fact did not want to connect on instagram until the very day I left. I have never asked her about it or even mentioned it but she is clearly very protective of her privacy.

Edited September 4, 2019 by ajain97

[preraph]

You can't force someone to care. Someone who is needing less contact, the more you push, the quicker they'll push you away.

[schlumpy]

Get together a few pictures where you and she had a good time. Send the pictures with some text saying, "Hey, remember when we were hiking at Yellowstone and you almost fell into the Firehole river? Those were the days." (substitute your own adventure)

 

See if that will get her talking to you. You must have some shared experiences that you can use.

[The Outlaw]

There isn't too much of anything you can do at this time other than give her space. Whatever issue she maybe having, she just doesn't want to talk about it with you. Don't push. She'll tell you on her own time.

[ajain97]

I'm gonna definitely take it slow and when I do reach out I will not mention or ask her about it. I don't think I'll be able to just not reach out at all; that's beyond my will right now. But I'll give her space.

 

Though I don't have pictures, I actually did use the 'hook' when I texted her for the first time today - our internship began almost exactly one year ago and we had a lot of good conversations there, and good food too which we brought to work. Her replies to my texts are similar in pattern to how they always have been.

 

I probably should have mentioned it earlier but in January, after we reconnected and hung out a couple of times, she told me that her dog passed away. This was of course a very tough time for her. She was not taking my calls but had also become slow to respond to texts too. However, within a week we had already made plans to hang out.

 

I struggle with how much space to give people in tough circumstances because my first impulse is to always be there for the other person, understanding that not everyone will proactively ask for something they need and instead offering them any support will be better.

 

I think if I do text again sometime I will use any hook like "hey I think you'll like this" etc instead of asking how she is doing.

[MsJayne]

I would be wondering what she had to go to hospital for. She may be unwell and for whatever reason not want to share details, and also may be feeling very down if she's ill.

[ajain97]

She actually did tell me about what was going on with her health - it's only the other personal matter about which she didn't say.

 

I think she's OK physical health-wise now though.

[ajain97]

Just to report back .....

 

I did try to contact her a little bit in the past month, though she either did not reply or replied short and there was no conversation. So I left it for then.

 

However, yesterday she reached out to me saying that she has been in depression and has been keeping away from people. She says she is getting back in touch with people but I don't think she is currently willing to have a conversation. And I doubt that she's back to her usual self just yet.

 

I just let her know that I'm always here for her and she can reach out whenever she wants and she thanked me and I left it at that without asking any questions at this stage.

 

I'm thinking to check in once maybe in a couple of weeks but I don't know how to go about it. What shall I say to a depressed friend? Shall I ask any questions about how she's doing (I'm instinctively thinking not to)? Do I reach out regularly? People process and heal differently and I feel that she doesn't need someone actively reaching out too much. However, how do I let her know that I'm there for her? Of course I've mentioned i, but how do I show it?

 

She is a very important friend and I want to be the best I can.

[Tagalz]

 

Thoughts? What should I do?

 

Thanks,

Ansh

 

I think you’re too desperate to know the situation. Here is the thing about long distance friendship or relationship. Even I had experienced it and I hate it alot.

 

Ask yourself this, do you really know that person? It’s possible that they just want attention cause everything long distance is not REAL.

 

She could possible be feeding you up with false information the last 1 year or two. You only see each other through screens which means no direct contact.

 

Also her telling you that her life is in bad stage might as well be her telling you that she don’t want you anymore as an long distance friendship.

 

Just don’t text her and if she still wants you then she would take the iniative to send you a text

[ajain97]

Hi,

 

Not sure if I was clear but I DO know the person and have had an IRL friendship until I left in May. It's been long-distance since then but of course I know her in real life.

 

If she did not want me in her life anymore, I doubt she would have reached out on her own two days ago.

 

So I do believe what she says. And she means a lot to me. Obviously I don't know what's going on with her and I get it that she's not willing to share right now but knowing is not my aim. My aim is to be as supportive as I can be