Should I reach out or leave it?

September 4, 2019

I've known this guy a couple months or so now. At the start he was very interested, he was basically initiating most contact. I was not very forthcoming myself however, not on purpose but it's just at the start when I'm getting to know someone I'm careful. He even said he would go on holiday with me.

Anyway after a while he got a bit annoyed with me I think due to the lack of phone calls on my end. He said he refuses to be a texting friend and I think he wanted to end our contact. I told him it's not like that and tried.to make more effort. As things go we kept ending up missing each other's calls, he missed mine, I missed his. He then resorted to just messaging me every now and then. Following this he suddenly just stopped contact again for five days, I had to break the silence. He was very enthusiastic though and I think he was glad I contacted him. But he did say he's surprised I did since he hasn't been able to make the usual effort since he was busy I told him that's life so it's cool. Given how forthcoming he was before and how he put up with me I was cool with it.

The last I heard from him he told me to give him a ring when I was free during the night. Unfortunately I came back home late and just fell asleep. I did relay the though after in a message. He said it was fine and not to worry. That was five days nearly six days ago now.

What should I do? Should I initiate again? Or is this simply not meant to be? I know I havnt done as much as I could have and he did try really hard with me before. But I do like him and I would give him a chance now.

I just don't know if he's just not bothered anymore?

P.s he is in law enforcement so he does have quite a tough job, and works 12 hour shifts.

September 4, 2019

I think it's too late. He backed off because you came off as completely uninterested. He got tired of doing all the work. You made little to no effort to engage with him and he took that as you not being interested. I know you are careful about new people and that's good, but you are doing it to the point of practically ignoring people and not making any effort. If you are genuinely interested in someone then i think you need to engage more. I think you have lost this one unfortunately.

September 4, 2019

...

What should I do? Should I initiate again? Or is this simply not meant to be? I know I havnt done as much as I could have and he did try really hard with me before. But I do like him and I would give him a chance now.

I just don't know if he's just not bothered anymore?
P.s he is in law enforcement so he does have quite a tough job, and works 12 hour shifts.

Sounds like he is in a job where reliability and getting stuff done is a must. I suspect he figures you just don't have your **** together.

IF he works 12 hour shifts AND can still find time to date and do other things in life then he is going to know the difference between a "can do" and a can't do" attitude.

I'm sure he is happy to hear from you but he stopped investing in you because of your lack of responsiveness.

For me, if someone is non-responsive I'm not going to try to read their mind. I will take them at their "word" in that if they don't reciprocate reaching out to me then I will take that as they don't want to hear from me. Way too old to play the push-pull game, not that I ever played it.

He may start investing again if you could put it in context for him (talk to him) and align your responsiveness with his going forward.

We all have stuff and fears that get in the way, that is different from a person who doesn't really have their **** together.

September 4, 2019

I've known this guy a couple months or so now. At the start he was very interested, he was basically initiating most contact. I was not very forthcoming myself however, not on purpose but it's just at the start when I'm getting to know someone I'm careful. He even said he would go on holiday with me.

My take is going to be a bit different.

You said "couple months",...I'll interpret that as 2.

Before 2 months people shouldn't even be exclusive BF/GF yet if it is a healthy situation. He was over pursuing and offering to already "go on vacation" with you. That is really pushy.

He said he refuses to be a texting friend and I think he wanted to end our contact

I agree with him not wanting to text all the time and commend him for that part,...but his response makes him sound like a butt-hurt little boy. Think about it,...he wants more validation from you so what is his response?,...his response is to threaten you with "breaking up",...that is just manipulation. There is nothing in that occurrence that says he cares anything about what you think,...it is only about what HE wants and will threaten you to get it.

I was not very forthcoming myself however, not on purpose but it's just at the start when I'm getting to know someone I'm careful.

This is the way you should be and waiting 2 months before getting too close is perfectly smart. That will weed-out the clingy, needy, pushy guys that you don't want in the first place,...and that is exactly what it is doing in this case. So I don't think you did anything wrong. I also suspect that another reason you held back is that your instinct told you that something just wasn't quite right, something was a little off and you didn't feel comfortable giving yourself completely over.

BTW - Never go on vacation with someone you just met until well after 2-3 months. Even just being exclusive is not enough if that excursive status is "new". If someone offers or tries to arrange such a thing consider it a red flag.

Edited September 4, 2019 by PRW

September 4, 2019

It's obvious you lacked effort, and he gave up. You would have made the time if you thought he was amazing....you are lukewarm at best. Don't bother, he gave you plenty of opportunity to reciprocate.

September 4, 2019

I really think he just isn't interested anymore.

When was your last date with him?

September 5, 2019

Sounds like he is in a job where reliability and getting stuff done is a must. I suspect he figures you just don't have your **** together.
IF he works 12 hour shifts AND can still find time to date and do other things in life then he is going to know the difference between a "can do" and a can't do" attitude.

Maybe you're right, maybe i don't have my **** together, not like him anyway.

I mean I do get that i am hard to get, not even playing it. But if he gets fed up so easily maybe he should just find some easy girl

Edited September 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

September 5, 2019

Loneliness propels us to do a lot of things we wouldn't do otherwise rationally. But just let it go.

September 5, 2019

No one here is lonely lol. If I was I could find someone easily. But I'm a little particular in my choices

Edited September 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

September 5, 2019

It's obvious you lacked effort, and he gave up. You would have made the time if you thought he was amazing....you are lukewarm at best. Don't bother, he gave you plenty of opportunity to reciprocate.

Sometimes how I feel does not translate through my actions. Not everything is so cut.and dry

September 5, 2019

I asked before but perhaps you missed it - when was the last time you went out with him?

Edited September 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

September 5, 2019

Well with my back and forth. We havnt got the chance to meet.

He's careful about who he ends up meeting due to the nature of his work I.e being a cop. Or if that's just him being him I dunno

HE did mention it though but he said he has to vet the person lol I really think it's just he's bringing his job home lol

Edited September 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
qquote removed

September 5, 2019

No one here is lonely lol. If I was I could find someone easily. But I'm a little particular in my choices

Couldn't / aren't we all .

Nothing fancy needed , he just got sick of it all one way.

l'd think you could still get in touch though sure why not, he might be open to it might not, just tell him what you told us , you'll have to put more into though this time if he does give it another shot.

September 5, 2019

I wouldn’t bother with him anymore, OP

You two haven’t even made it to the first date after months of talking? This is a waste of time.

I would let this one go and work on finding someone whose schedule and approach to dating is compatible with yours. This guy isn’t it.

September 5, 2019

Couldn't / aren't we all .
Nothing fancy needed , he just got sick of it all one way.
l'd think you could still get in touch though sure why not, he might be open to it might not, just tell him what you told us , you'll have to put more into though this time if he does give it another shot.

Yeh i was thinking the same. If i initiate again ill have to put in way more effort. So yesterday I was thinking to myself do I really want this.

If this was a guy who didn't try at all like he has last couple of months. With the same lack of contact I would have blocked him by now.

September 12, 2019

Update: So I did decide to break the silence guys.

After 9 days I messaged saying hello (name)

And then he said hello you ok u must be on your lunch break or something to which I replied haha yes something like that...then I said are u ok..then he went into a paragraph of what hes doing and issues with his car and how hes been so exhausted lately.

I was thinking wow hes actually giving me so much info by text hes not nrmally like this. Since he always would rather say he wants to speak on the phone instead.

Then i was telling him he needs a holiday if he's exhausted

He then goes are you going to organise one *smirk face*

I then messaged saying I will if you pay for it lol ..then i said I'm kidding...

He then replied with lol bye (to the if he pays for it comment) ..then he asked have u planned a holiday? Ignoring the idea of me n him going away but now asking about friends. To which I said I did but I changed my mind.

He said what changed your mind I told him I just didn't want to go with the group I was going to go with. He then asked what's wrong with them and I was like they have too many issues and I just don't gel with them. To which he said he knows what I mean since he went away with his friends on holiday and says they didn't get on with one another and now they don't talk.

So to continue i asked what happened. This was continuing onto the next day. To which he replied "long story". And I was trying to continue the convo with him and I said "make it shorter and go on" with smiley faces. As to encourage him to open up. Because usually he doesn't want to much. But then he just ignores my message. and that whole day i could see was online and offline plenty of.times. sometimes a good half n hour or whatever. And there I was just waiting for a response

So at first he seemed all friendly then he went cold. Tht was just over a day now.

Someone told me to just call him but in my over analysing mind I'm just like after me initiating contact after 8 days he could have at least carried on a little bit longer or changed the topic of conversation. And since I can see he's online for ages speaking to others in thinking should I even bother calling.

Obviously I initiated contact and put the effort in only because prior to that if u guys read the beginning he was making the effort and wanting me to call him and I knew I wasn't putting in that effort to call and get to know him. But I don't want to go and start pursuing him now when I don't know if he even cares anymore

September 12, 2019

Maybe you're right, maybe i don't have my **** together, not like him anyway.
I mean I do get that i am hard to get, not even playing it. But if he gets fed up so easily maybe he should just find some easy girl

Oh, c'mon. No guy wants to feel like he's doing all the work without some kind of validation that the woman is at least as interested as he is. All this needs to be balanced. In the very beginning, first 3 dates, let the guy do the initiating. Be receptive, respond in a timely fashion. After that, if you're truly interested, you should do some initiating of communication and suggest things to do.

Look at this situation. You're feeling like he's lost interest because of a lack of effort on your part but you're bashing him for not wanting to put in any more effort???????

In this case, Ok, you really weren't too interested but you can't bash him for giving up either. Your thought process is about game playing and wanting attention from a guy even if you're not interested.

September 12, 2019

Oh, c'mon. No guy wants to feel like he's doing all the work without some kind of validation that the woman is at least as interested as he is. All this needs to be balanced. In the very beginning, first 3 dates, let the guy do the initiating. Be receptive, respond in a timely fashion. After that, if you're truly interested, you should do some initiating of communication and suggest things to do.

Look at this situation. You're feeling like he's lost interest because of a lack of effort on your part but you're bashing him for not wanting to put in any more effort???????

In this case, Ok, you really weren't too interested but you can't bash him for giving up either. Your thought process is about game playing and wanting attention from a guy even if you're not interested.

I'm the one that initiated the last message exchange. Because in 9 days he didn't say one word.

I know he doesn't may be think that much of text messaging as much as calling but it's still communication at the end of the day. So he should be able to see I'm interested when I messaged and on top of that I'm encouraging him to tell me the story of why he didn't get along with his friends on holiday. Hence the go on.......

To which obviously he didn't reply. And instead carried on talking to whoever else that was online.

September 12, 2019

Oh, c'mon. No guy wants to feel like he's doing all the work without some kind of validation that the woman is at least as interested as he is. All this needs to be balanced. In the very beginning, first 3 dates, let the guy do the initiating. Be receptive, respond in a timely fashion. After that, if you're truly interested, you should do some initiating of communication and suggest things to do.

Look at this situation. You're feeling like he's lost interest because of a lack of effort on your part but you're bashing him for not wanting to put in any more effort???????

In this case, Ok, you really weren't too interested but you can't bash him for giving up either. Your thought process is about game playing and wanting attention from a guy even if you're not interested.

What about the part where he suggests me organising a holiday and me saying the sure as long as u pay. Does tht not show interest. Maybe he wants me to chase him now who knows

September 12, 2019

It sounds like he was interested in you in the beginning but now has moved on. He's treating you like a friend now instead of a romantic partner. Could be his interest has shifted to another woman either on line or in person because law enforcement meet tons of women. (In L.A. where the cops and firemen are gorgeous they practically have to fight women off. I saw one fireman that was so good looking I almost ran into the back of a car.) Any who, it sounds like you are going to have to really step up your effort if you want him.

September 12, 2019

I've known this guy a couple months or so now. At the start he was very interested, he was basically initiating most contact. I was not very forthcoming myself .

And that's why he's set you adrift... Doesn't matter your reason. The effect was you came off as disinterested and entitled and he's not here for that.

And the holiday talk was just him thinking out loud--it certainly wasn't a contract to anything in the future.

September 12, 2019

What about the part where he suggests me organising a holiday and me saying the sure as long as u pay. Does tht not show interest. Maybe he wants me to chase him now who knows

You quickly followed it up saying you were kidding, so he knows now nit to take you seriously. I can't see any romantic interest from him now.

September 12, 2019

Obviously I initiated contact and put the effort in only because prior to that if u guys read the beginning he was making the effort and wanting me to call him and I knew I wasn't putting in that effort to call and get to know him. But I don't want to go and start pursuing him now when I don't know if he even cares anymore

He doesn't.

Sure, he'll talk to you when he's bored or got nobody else to chat with, but he's not interested in more.

It's time to let this one go. He already has.

September 12, 2019

You wanting him to go into long drawn-out stories to get text is totally turning him off. I don't understand what your problem is with phone call. Then he could have told you his story. I think he's sensing that you're socially anxious and just doesn't need any problems. The poor guy probably testify pup paperwork all day and then you expect him to text instead of just doing the quick easy thing and having a phone call. And you've not seen him yet.

He's not looking for a penpal. No guy is.

September 12, 2019

It sounds like he was interested in you in the beginning but now has moved on. He's treating you like a friend now instead of a romantic partner. Could be his interest has shifted to another woman either on line or in person because law enforcement meet tons of women. (In L.A. where the cops and firemen are gorgeous they practically have to fight women off. I saw one fireman that was so good looking I almost ran into the back of a car.) Any who, it sounds like you are going to have to really step up your effort if you want him.

Who actually knows. All I know is it's a huge mind f***.

I really do hope there is no other woman because I am not the competitive type. I'm sure u can already tell that from my lack of effort in the beginning. See this is actually exactly one of the reasons why I can't be bothered to open up. As soon as i do some other woman's taken over or they just are not the same anymore. It's tiring

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Should I reach out or leave it?

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