Broke up with the love of my life, me :(

[lacktose]

I recently went through a break up with the love of my life. Funny thing is, i actually met her a year ago today. I fell so hard for her and chased her for 1.5months before she finally agreed to be my girl, our relationship lasted for 9 months. i was so blessed, so happy, so so so happy. The relationship started out smooth, there were fights occasionally but i know how to make my girl happy. Crossing the 6th month mark was when things started going down. We fight once a week, and it affects her. She became physical (she doesnt hit me) but she would throw her water bottle and phone because she was so frustrated and would broke down. Seeing her like that killed a part of me. I know that i'm the issue, i have bad temper and i say horrible things at her when i'm mad. i tried to change and i did show improvements. Once we went out and she was mad at me, rather than fighting, i hugged her and gave her a kiss and told her to trust me. I stopped being so crude to her and make an effort to send long sweet texts when we fight. since its an innate part of me, i needed time to get rid of my ugly side. i took time to go for psychiatrical visits, i ate anti-depressants but they dont work so quickly. i know im lacking in many ways so i cook for her, i send her home, small things that can make girls happy, i do them all. i call her beautiful everyday and i always made sure i told her how much i love her. 2 months ago, she couldnt take the constant fights. she was unhappy, so she broke up with me. my heart shattered. i asked her why was she unhappy, and she said " if you keep fighting with the one you love, would you be happy?". i really loved her with all my heart, i dont understand why we have to break up. we had connection, chemistry. i know how to make her laugh, i know i can make her happy. I made my fairshare of mistakes, i said awful things. but i dont mean my words, anger always get the better of me. i dont understand why this has to happen to me? do i really have to watch her go? i really want her back. i can get better, i know i am capable of getting better. she told me after we broke up that she has no faith in me, because if i could change, the relationship wouldnt have ended. i believe she loved me deeply, but its all gone now. ive tried so hard guys, i really love her with all my heart. why am i not enough? all i need is time. i have the heart to change. i really want her back.

 

Anyway, 1 week ago, she blocked me on Whatsapp and Telegram and deleted all my photos. I am devastated. I am moving on and improving on myself. partly for her and mostly for myself. if i can get the best version of me, i want her to be there and experience the best of me. idw to prepare myself for someone else. i dont understand why she suddenly did this. i still want her to be in my life. help this hurts like mad

 

I really want her back, please advise me. please.

Edited September 4, 2019 by lacktose

[assertives]

idw to prepare myself for someone else. i dont understand why she suddenly did this. i still want her to be in my life. help this hurts like mad

PLease help me..

 

I just wanted to say that being in a relationship isn't an end point or a goal in life. You "prepare" yourself for you. Not for her or for anyone else. You find someone to share the journey of life with you or not, and that's ok. A relationship is an "add on" to enhance your life, make your life better. Also, never stop improving yourself, we live and we learn, and we become better versions of ourselves as the days pass.

 

As for your ex, her breaking up with you isn't "sudden". She's had time to evaluate what this relationship adds to her life and she's realized that she isn't happy. Constantly fighting with anyone is very tiring and unhealthy. Occasional fights and disagreements is normal, but once a week is ALOT. Being in a relationship while ups and downs are to be expected, constant fights to the point where she flares up out of frustration when it's uncharacteristic for her is not normal. It is draining and with time, can sap the life out of someone and frankly, isn't sustainable. It's obvious that the relationship isn't working for her and she's with the wrong person as seems you brought out the worse in her.

 

I don't think the issue is you're not "enough" for her. But rather, your anger management issues and the constant fights have become a dealbreaker for her.

 

Continue to work on yourself and seek professional help for your anger management. Maybe being single for abit could help too.

Edited September 4, 2019 by assertives

[lacktose]

Anyway,

After our break up, she still cared a lot for me. She texted my friend and told my friend to alert her if theres anything wrong. My friend used her as a leverage to ask me for money. Thats when my ex was really upset, she said "even after break up, we still drive each other to the edge, we should leave each other's lives ". A week later, we met, i told her that its not her fault that about her friend and how much i appreciate her caring for me after the break up, and i thank her for loving me. the meet up was great, i made her laugh. it was smooth. We both said we will be in each other's lives and watch each other be happy and be better individuals. I asked her jokingly, why didnt she text me after the break up, she said she will, but now's not the right time since the break up was recent. Honestly, i really dont blame her, her being there made me feel warm and fuzzy and i thank god that she cared for me. I must have done smtg right last life.

 

Then suddenly, 1 week ago, she blocked me on Whatsapp and Telegram and deleted all my photos. I am devastated. what happened to us being in each other's lives? what happen to watching each other grow? I am moving on and improving on myself. partly for her and mostly for myself. if i can get the best version of me, i want her to be there and experience the best of me. idw to prepare myself for someone else. i dont understand why she suddenly did this. i still want her to be in my life. help this hurts like mad.

[lacktose]

Hey Assertive,

 

Yeah you're right. I think i did bring out the worst side of her. Yes ive been seeking professional help, and i have been visiting psychiatrist even before the break up happened. I am slowly getting better, for sure. Thank you for your advice!! Its been so long since our break up and i still feel the pain and regret everyday. countless of sleepless nights and loss of appetite. I love her with all i can and im sad that no matter what i do, its never enough. Even though i saw the worst side of her, i am willing and able to accept her flaws wholeheartedly. I'm sad that this love story has got to end.

[ExpatInItaly]

Good for you for getting help with your anger, OP. That's something that needs to happen to help you lead a happier life, regardless of relationship status.

 

Unfortunately, there is not likely to be a second chance here. Verbal abuse and weekly fighting leave lasting damage, and severe bonds that once existed. The connection and chemistry you once shared has dissipated for her. My ex sounds similar to you, and I can tell you that after about a year, I had lost all romantic feelings for him and just wanted to move on. Did I care about him? Yes, of course. Did I hope he could find happiness again someday? Yes. Could we continue dating? No. We didn't get along and I didn't have the desire to be his girlfriend anymore. I wasn't happy and it was time to extricate myself. I have a feeling this is where your ex is at now, too.

 

She likely blocked you because she knows you aren't really accepting this break-up yet and she doesn't want to lead you on. She also knows that staying in each other's lives right now and watching each other grow isn't realistic or healthy for either of you. Perhaps someday you can be friends again, but now isn't the time for it. There are too many difficult emotions on both sides to have any contact at this point. You don't want the same things from each other, so she is wise to take a lot of space. It isn't to punish you.

 

I know you can't see it now, but there will be happier days ahead for you and likely with an entirely different woman. For now, concentrate on healing and doing the work you need to get on a better emotional plane.

[lacktose]

Hey! Thank you for your response.

 

We broke up loving each other but yes, the relationship was really affecting her in a bad way and she was constantly very sad and emotional. may i know why you refuse to give your ex a chance?

 

I know i mention this all the time, but i truly love her and she’s the only girl i see a future with. i was very happy with her and despite the fights we had, ive constantly made an effort to see the good rather than the bad. i really don’t want to lose her forever and see her with someone else who i worry might not treat her right.

 

ugh this sucks!!!! i hate myself. i resent myself so much.

[Maddie82]

Unfortunately the little nice things you began doing were too little too late. The damage was already done. You said cruel things to her and that can emotionally scar a person when someone they love can say such things to them. it's not something that can be forgotten.

[lacktose]

Hey @Maddie,

 

I have been consistently doing nice things for her. All little things. i do them all the time. i open doors for her, i remember that she loves peanuts, so when we eat dessert, i put all the peanuts together for her. At the beginning, she didn’t like that i smoke, and have a “party” lifestyle, so i quit it all. i showered in ice water for a week to avoid withdrawals. i hate sports, and exercises but i learn basketball because she wants to lose weight. Since i was chasing her till the very end, i do nice things all the time. Yes i guess it’s gonna scar her and it hurts me to know that i can never hold her hand again no matter how good ive become.

 

also, i’ve told her from the beginning that i am harsh when angry, and told her that my words are just plain bull****. why did this happen? i miss her so much.

 

Will time not be able to heal such wounds?

Edited September 4, 2019 by lacktose

[ExpatInItaly]

We broke up loving each other but yes, the relationship was really affecting her in a bad way and she was constantly very sad and emotional. may i know why you refuse to give your ex a chance?

 

I had lost all romantic interest, honestly. I came to view him as someone I care about but not someone I wanted to have an intimate relationship with anymore. Even if he were able to get his temper under control, my heart and mind had already checked out.

 

As I said, constant turmoil and verbal attacks take a toll. There is sometimes no going back and undoing the damage. It's draining and a romance-killer. I am not angry with him any more but it's a chapter of my life that is closed.

 

I wish my ex the best. It's been a few years since the break-up and I have long since moved on to someone else. I have heard through the grapevine that he has too. As will you.

[lacktose]

@ExpatInItaly,

 

Hopefully i will. Thank you. Ultimately, i want her to be happy. Even if it means the absence of me.

[Maddie82]

Hey @Maddie,

 

I have been consistently doing nice things for her. All little things. i do them all the time. i open doors for her, i remember that she loves peanuts, so when we eat dessert, i put all the peanuts together for her. At the beginning, she didn’t like that i smoke, and have a “party” lifestyle, so i quit it all. i showered in ice water for a week to avoid withdrawals. i hate sports, and exercises but i learn basketball because she wants to lose weight. Since i was chasing her till the very end, i do nice things all the time. Yes i guess it’s gonna scar her and it hurts me to know that i can never hold her hand again no matter how good ive become.

 

also, i’ve told her from the beginning that i am harsh when angry, and told her that my words are just plain bull****. why did this happen? i miss her so much.

 

Will time not be able to heal such wounds?

 

Depends on what has been said. All the nice things you did doesn't cancel out the damage done to her self esteem or her confidence. If something you said really hurt her, then she never forget that.

[ExpatInItaly]

Will time not be able to heal such wounds?

 

Not necessarily, no. Not in the way you're thinking, anyway.

 

Healing those wounds is not the same was wanting to go back to someone. It took me quite a lot of inner work to heal the wounds left by my ex's verbal assaults. He said some astonishingly disgusting things. But my healing had little to do with him, and everything to do with me and remembering my own worth. Could I have forgiven him? Maybe. Could I ever have looked past it and tried again? No. That's how significant the impact on me was.

 

I knew there were other men out there who would value me more from the get-go, and not struggle to control their anger. I had dated them before him, as I had enjoyed healthy relationships up until that point. So I knew I could find someone who was already emotionally stable and better at resolving conflict. I was right. My current partner is that man.

 

My guess is that this relationship wasn't meant to be your "forever" relationship, but one in which you learned important lessons and made positive changes in your own life. If you consistently put in the work, you will get your emotions in check and learn better coping mechanisms when you get angry. You will reap the results of that in future relationships, but likely not with this girl.

[lacktose]

@ExpatInItaly,

 

Thank you for or taking your time to respond to me. When i’m angry, i mention break up. that’s all i’ve never said things that ruin her self esteem or say nasty stuff like “ you’re a piece of **** “. rather, since it’s my first relationship, i mention break up quite often (until the 5th month mark). afterwards, i stopped because i talked to her friends and her friends told me words can hurt really bad. we will quarrel over small issues, then i will backdown and apologise. i’ve mentioned that i will send her sweet texts telling her that i cherish her and i will learn my lesson and love her better. we broke up because i have bad temper and we kept fighting constantly and it took a toll on her emotionally and she can’t do it anymore.

 

I’ve always told her she’s gorgeous, and so sexy. she thinks she’s fat, but really, she’s beautiful the way she is. and i’ve always told her how lucky i am to have her.

 

it took a toll on me too, but it is worth it. for her, anything is worth it.

[Maddie82]

When i’m angry, i mention break up. that’s all i’ve never said things that ruin her self esteem or say nasty stuff like “ you’re a piece of **** “. rather, since it’s my first relationship, i mention break up quite often (until the 5th month mark).

 

Mentioning break up regularly probably made her feel insecure. Then 'you're gorgeous' made her feel confused. It sounded like she didn't know whether she was coming or going. Don't want to sound mean or anything but i couldn't stay in a relationship like this

Edited September 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

I’ve always told her she’s gorgeous, and so sexy. she thinks she’s fat, but really, she’s beautiful the way she is. and i’ve always told her how lucky i am to have her.

 

And you frequently threatened to break up with her, too. Those kind of mixed messages are hurtful and toxic. Women want consistency and reliability in a man, and you didn't offer her that. You told her she was awesome yet continued to threaten to pull the rug out from under her. You can't build a sustainable connection like that.

 

I'm sorry, OP. I know you have regrets now, but the insecure and unstable nature of the relationship vastly outweigh compliments about her looks and promises to change.

 

You would be best to leave her be, now. She wants to move on.

[basil67]

also, i’ve told her from the beginning that i am harsh when angry, and told her that my words are just plain bull****. why did this happen? i miss her so much.

 

Being honest about the fact that you exhibit abusive behaviour doesn't make the behaviour acceptable. It almost makes it worse because you already knew you were behaving badly but didn't do anything to address it before you got together with her.

 

Why did this happen? Because she wanted someone who treated her with respect all the time. And to be clear, it's quite possible to discuss something you disagree about while remaining respectful.

[lacktose]

@ExpatInItaly

 

I mentioned that i can be very crude with my words and i always say things like that. but i would never break up. yes, i’m giving her the space now. she blocked me anyway. i want another chance to love her properly. she’s the love of my life and my soulmate. it kills me to know i can’t hold her anymore

[ExpatInItaly]

I mentioned that i can be very crude with my words and i always say things like that. but i would never break up.

 

You seem to still very much underestimate how painful and damaging those crude words and break-up threats are, lacktose.

 

Acknowledging that you are rude and hostile doesn't minimize the effect, even if you don't follow through on those things. It can still destroy a person's confidence and, ultimately, the relationship.

 

You have learned this lesson the hard way.

[Maddie82]

@ExpatInItaly

 

I mentioned that i can be very crude with my words and i always say things like that. but i would never break up. yes, i’m giving her the space now. she blocked me anyway. i want another chance to love her properly. she’s the love of my life and my soulmate. it kills me to know i can’t hold her anymore

 

For all she knew you could've been very serious about breaking up. It's too late now. You mistreated her and lost her because of it. There's nothing you can do now.

[lacktose]

Hey guys!

 

Thank you for your response. yes , i have learn this lesson the hard way. thank you for giving me your outputs. I hope i can cope with this better.

 

I wouldn’t say i mistreated her. that’s very harsh. i just want to move on too. it’s been really hard on me the past few months

Edited September 4, 2019 by lacktose

[lacktose]

in so so so much pain guys. will this ever go away?

[preraph]

No woman is going to stay while you lost control and say terrible things, so you need to either get in therapy or at least take anger management, but even then, she's not coming back. She wasn't that into you from the beginning. You had to chase her down. But it will maybe keep you from losing the next one.

[lacktose]

i understand. thank you for your response.

[Silver_star]

The pain will go away eventually. You learned the lesson the hard way. You need to always treat those you care for with love and respect, and be careful with your words.Threatening to break up with her when you are angry will make her lose her safety and secure feelings with you.

 

Even though you say you did many sweet things and have great memories, the bad things out weighed the good at the end. I believe she did love you, but if she was emotional and sad near the end, its because your WORDS cannot make up for the lack of change. She was not seeing how things could get better. She believes the behavior is just part of who you are.

The hurtful things you say while angry affected her to the point where she could no longer justify staying in that relationship with you. HOpefully this is one of those lessons you can use to make you better in your future relationships.

[imhappy]

Listen man. She's not your soulmate. She's not the one. She's your first girlfriend. That always hurts the most. The more it hurts the stronger you'll be in the long run. My first relationship ended very similarly and I learned so much from it. Now it's been like 8 years and I've been with multiple partners since that first one. I used to think she was my soulmate too, but then I met someone a lot more compatible. Wasn't ready to commit to her and lost her, and I thought ahhh now I lost my real soulmate. But the truth is I will meet someone more compatible than her. There's way too many people on this planet to settle for someone as your soulmate. That's like going to your favourite buffet and eating nothing but butter and bread the whole time. You can tell yourself that's all you need, but when it runs out open your eyes and look around.

 

Here's a video you should watch. Helped me with my last break up.