AlexH0910 Posted September 4, 2019 Posted September 4, 2019 First time poster! I’m 35f, divorced for a year. Last month I recently reconnected to a man I knew back in school (35m-also divorced) and we immediately hit it off. Things were great, however did move fast! It didn’t feel weird because we’ve known eachother, so we went for it! We had dated for about 3 weeks, talked about deleting tinder, we’re all about eachother! One night after a few drinks and a fire we decided to make things officials The night and morning we great however the next day I could tell something was off. I asked and he said that although he really likes me he just doesn’t know if he’s ready for a full blown relationship and wanted to slow things down. We agreed and still decided to just dial it back. Few night later we got together had dinner, drinks and talked. Talked about where we were, established exclusivity and talked about bringing our kids to things the following weeks. Again 100% in or so I thought! That night and morning we great but then around noon I got the same text- ‘he’s not ready, he really likes me, he doesn’t know what he wants, not in the right head space’ etc. I asked if he still wanted to see eachother and he said “what’s the point since things aren’t moving forward since he refuses to just sleep with eachother”..... It’s been a month. We talk here and there, but I cannot shake him. Was I some type of high school conquest, some name of his list?! I know better and known I shouldn’t be even giving him the time of day but THIS time it just felt right! Are men really “not ready” or is that a line ? Seriously confused *
schlumpy Posted September 4, 2019 Posted September 4, 2019 I have to say I think it's a line unless they are freshly out of very bad relationship. If you have strong feelings for someone you don't hold back unless those feelings are not returned. I can only guess at his reasons. Fantasy plays out fairly fast when you are older. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. It certainly wasn't because you lacked enthusiasm.
Foxhall Posted September 4, 2019 Posted September 4, 2019 In my experience of this-potentially getting involved with a single mother only recently separated, a deterrent is not so much the kids, but more so a jealous ex-husband in the background and the possible repercussions of that. in your instance he may be hesitating at the idea of bringing two new families together and is not ready yet anyway for that environment.
SumGuy Posted September 4, 2019 Posted September 4, 2019 ... Are men really “not ready” or is that a line ? Seriously confused * Yes men cannot be ready, especially after a divorce and a long marriage. That he is being so uptight about, well let me just say that is not me. There is a lot of room between full blown relationship and just sleeping together. If he has some maturity and self awareness he can work on this and no reason he can't do that while seeing you.
PRW Posted September 4, 2019 Posted September 4, 2019 we immediately hit it off.As soon as I read this phrase, I know the trouble is about to begin. Things were great, however did move fast! It didn’t feel weird because we’ve known eachother, so we went for it! We had dated for about 3 weeks,Actually you were both fooled and took it for granted because you knew each other. But there is a difference between knowing each other from school and knowing each other currently. The results you got almost always happen in these situations. It is almost text book. I would recommend you make him an offer that you do casual dates once a week for maybe a month,...with emphasis on casual and emphasis on once a week. Tell him that after a month you can step it up a little bit but that the two of you will not even consider moving away from casual (becoming exclusive) till at least 2 months. I know that sounds a little mechanical but it is really an act of self discipline. If he agrees to go along with that then maybe there might be a chance. But if it takes longer than 2 months,...then it just takes longer than 2 months.
smackie9 Posted September 4, 2019 Posted September 4, 2019 There is so much to be weighed in here....kids, exes, life itself....too much too soon. You moved way too fast to be "exclusive". I'm sure if you just took it day by day, made it fun and not so serious, then things would have developed organically....eased into a serious relationship. If he comes sniffing around, drop the exclusive talk, and just have fun dating. 1
preraph Posted September 4, 2019 Posted September 4, 2019 The one pattern I'm seeing is he conveniently waits until the "morning after" to decide against commitment after all, so are you sure this guy is actually about anything other than just having sex? 1
PRW Posted September 4, 2019 Posted September 4, 2019 The one pattern I'm seeing is he conveniently waits until the "morning after" to decide against commitment after all, so are you sure this guy is actually about anything other than just having sex?Me being a guy I would say no. The same thing would happen to me,...and it could be that I wanted more than sex. The next morning is when you wake up and think clearly after the emotion high has passed on. Then you start to consider the consequences with what has just transpired. That is when reality starts to worry you and you think,...whoa,...a little too much here,...I have to re-think this. If all I wanted was sex I'd be tickled pink because I just got it and would want more of it,...so I would be trying to get more of it as soon as possible and not want to rock to boat which might cut off my supply. 1
preraph Posted September 4, 2019 Posted September 4, 2019 ^ I'm just still fuming about this friend of mine decades ago who waited until after sex to say, "Now I feel guilty" and it's then I find out he's got a wife and baby he apparently never let out in public the three years I'd known him. Grrrrr.
Calmandfocused Posted September 4, 2019 Posted September 4, 2019 Op, as a divorced mother of 2 myself I’m concerned that you were so willingly up for involving your children, after dating a man 3 weeks. You don’t know this person and it’s way too premature. My first piece of advice is to therefore leave the children out of it, particularly in the early stages of dating. Too much too soon. I’m wondering: are you trying to recreate/ fast forward intimacy in your relationships as you miss the security that being married provided? Just a thought that you may find useful to reflect on. He’s in no place for a committed relationship in my opinion. Have fun with him if you want but learn to accept that it may just be a bit of fun. 1
Saracena Posted September 4, 2019 Posted September 4, 2019 If it were me, unless all you want and can do is casual, I would walk OP While I think it's impossible at this stage for a person to know if they will want to marry the person you are seeing after three weeks or even longer, this shouldn't prevent them being able to show some enthusiasm for the relationship itself. And sorry OP, but this guy isn't showing this and doesn't sound too interested! I hope I'm wrong but this is how he comes across to me! I wonder deep down if all he did ever want was casual.....
chillii Posted September 5, 2019 Posted September 5, 2019 Of course men can be really just not ready , especially after divorce , maybe he needs more time. And of course some don't wanna just sleep together, many of us want the whole package. Or maybe he's just not that interested. Your still in touch so l think whatever it really is , will be coming out along the way. He sounds 1, not ready , and 2 only lukewarm about you two, to me.
elaine567 Posted September 5, 2019 Posted September 5, 2019 Ok after 3 weeks you had sex, not abnormal. But he then wanted to pull back, not a great sign. Then a few days later you had "the talk" about exclusivity very sensible, but then it was about galloping ahead with the kids being involved... He went "Wait a minute I am not ready for all this" and bailed. From zero to stepdad in about a month... Trouble is many men see single moms as good "casual"/FWB material. They do not really want to get involved, they want someone for a bit of companionship and sex and that is it. Single moms are also "busy" so that gives him a lot of space to lead his own life. They don't really want another marriage nor do they want to bring up another man's kids. I am not saying all men are like this, but quite a few divorced guys are. 1
Author AlexH0910 Posted September 7, 2019 Author Posted September 7, 2019 Thank you for all the awesome feedback! Few answers I wanted to give- He was the one that had brought up getting our kids together. I let him set the pace the majority of the time. I never once brought up “future plans or ideas”. We had slept together twice before he started the “let’s take things slower” deal. So it wasn’t immediately after but yes within a few days. We have both been divorced for 2-3 years and have had relationships since. What I don’t understand is this- both times he backpeddled (slowing things down and ending things) he kept re-iterating that he feels bad he “doesn’t have the time to commit to a relationship”.... yet literally a week before that it was “you need to make time for the other person. I will always make sure I make time for you”.... However I’ve ALWAYS reiterated that since I work demanding hours and have split custody I do not have much free time to give. I’m a busy lady. I do not require nor expect his full attention either! I understood, respected and agreed with his want to slow things down. But why ask to do so, agree that taking things slow but remaining exclusive is best, bring up a bunch of “future” **** AGAIN to then just end things the next day ?!?
Maggiemay1 Posted September 7, 2019 Posted September 7, 2019 We have both been divorced for 2-3 years and have had relationships since. Your opening post says you have been divorced for one year not 2-3. Which is it??
elaine567 Posted September 7, 2019 Posted September 7, 2019 Consistency is important. This guy is not consistent, he is all over the place. You can't believe a word he says. He Bullsh*ts you into bed then he goes cold. My guess is he has someone else. Typical attached man behaviour. Horny, hot, heavy then goes cold as he attends to his other woman, then he swings round to you again laying it on thick, then cold again...
Author AlexH0910 Posted September 7, 2019 Author Posted September 7, 2019 Your opening post says you have been divorced for one year not 2-3. Which is it?? Sorry for confusion. I’ve been legally separated for 2, officially divorced for 1.
greymatter Posted September 7, 2019 Posted September 7, 2019 He displayed a serious lack of judgement to talk about involving the kids so early. My partner and I waited until a year in before we met each other's kids. Glad you didn't introduce the kids before he did a 180.
chillii Posted September 8, 2019 Posted September 8, 2019 l'd say he's def' 50 50. His head probably wants to be in something new more than his heart wants this or is ready is my guess, hence the mixed stuff. ps , 3 weeks and bring kids into it, are you crazy. Try 12 mths min' if you really want what's best for them , and even then only a keeper.
FMW Posted September 8, 2019 Posted September 8, 2019 I'm not sure if it's the same in your 30s, but I've found that in my 50s men seem to very much be into living in the moment. They act on impulse and momentary feeling. Then reality hits and they put on the brakes. And sometimes, yes, they repeat this cycle over and over, running hot and cold. Of course there are the ones who are focused only on sexual conquest, but it doesn't sound like that's the case here. If you just want to enjoy the situation for what it is at the moment and are able to keep your expectations in check, then just see where things go. But if you can't handle things in that context, let him go. He's clearly not ready to live up to the feelings he expressed in the moment.
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