babybrowns Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 (edited) I recently met a guy who I have now seen 3 times. We are both in our late twenties. Something that is offputting is that aside from the first date (where he did pay for my drink albeit a bit reluctantly), he will not pay for me at all, even if he chooses where we go which has mostly been the case so far. I am not someone that requires a man to wine and dine me but on early dates, just for the first two or three, it is something that I appreciate and it makes me feel that the man is interested in me. I was thus left disappointed in this regard on both date #2 and also date #3, both times I even travelled across town to meet him at an easy spot for him (I offered to travel). It was particularly telling on date #3; we first went for dinner to a place of his choice (Paid 50:50) and then he took me to a bar that he likes for a glass of beer. I assumed that he was paying for both our beers but when we sat down he said 'uh, did you remember to pay for that?' referring to my glass of beer. I found this a little offensive but didn't tell him. However as a bit of a ray of light to all the above, he recently went on vacation where he got me a gift which was nice. He has texted me every day since the day we first met and he wants to continue seeing me. So I'm not sure about all this and what it means. Would love some advice, thank you Edited September 3, 2019 by babybrowns Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 It means he has a crap attitude is what it means. You can't ask someone out and choose the place and it's a date and expect the woman to have money on her to pay for it unless you warn her first and let her help make the choice of where to go and agree to it. So talk to him about it. If he's going to want to go Dutch, then you both put your heads together where to go. And next time he asks you and you don't feel you can afford it, simply say, "No, not this weekend, I need my money to pay bills this month." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 if you like him then please put aside this "who pays" crap. he just doesn't want to spoil you... once you get to know him better you can ask him for his who pays policy. you never know he might have a very good reason? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybrowns Posted September 3, 2019 Author Share Posted September 3, 2019 (edited) if you like him then please put aside this "who pays" crap. he just doesn't want to spoil you... once you get to know him better you can ask him for his who pays policy. you never know he might have a very good reason? Well that's what I have been doing. I am continuing to see him despite these mixed messages. It might be worth adding that he has a reasonable job and no children, lives with roomates. He did tell me though, that his last relationship lasted 4 years, they mutually broke up a year ago because she wanted to get married but he wasn't ready yet. He told me that he is not fully healed from that breakup yet. He is after good times for now and wants to keep seeing me, is not dating anyone else and is open to a relationship with me down the line if things go well. So I don't know if this not paying for dates is a symptom of him not wanting to invest in a new woman just yet. Edited September 3, 2019 by babybrowns Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 You be sure he at least pays for himself and not running up the bill and then splitting it with you when he spent more or something like that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 So I don't know if this not paying for dates is a symptom of him not wanting to invest in a new woman just yet. that sounds like what he is doing. give him the benefit of the doubt until you get to know him better (assuming you want to continue to see him). if later on he turns out to be a total cheap-o you can dump him. does he have a nice car and/or home? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 If I were in your shoes and he seemed otherwise OK, I'd take problem in hand by buying his drink and mine. If he said "I'll pay for my own drink", I'd smile and tell him that he can get the next drinks. I'd probably do the same for dinner. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 It sounds like he is not a generous giving person. I hate stingy. It's not about the cost but the gesture. I would be so much more impressed with a guy who bought me a cup of tea (I don't drink coffee) then a guy who suggested we split a bottle of expensive champagne. I wouldn't mind splitting the cost but the fact that the other person was so fixated on would bug me. If he's financially stingy, is he also emotionally stingy? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 Im always happy to pay the bill, I am a gentleman at heart really you know:) that being said the lady who does offer to split the bill, it can be a good sign that this is a genuine girl, the longer you are dating someone, perhaps he is thinking if he pays for all early on, that will be the continuing pattern and he wants to discourage that! Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 It sounds like he is not a generous giving person. I hate stingy. It's not about the cost but the gesture. I would be so much more impressed with a guy who bought me a cup of tea (I don't drink coffee) then a guy who suggested we split a bottle of expensive champagne. I wouldn't mind splitting the cost but the fact that the other person was so fixated on would bug me. If he's financially stingy, is he also emotionally stingy? This is so true. I'm not a gold digger and do pay my way. There is something so sweet when a guy pays (esp if he picked the place). I dated a total cheapo for 2 months and I say run in the other direction! This guy hinted that some people live w/in their means. I guess he didn't mean me despite not having any shared finances. He came over for dinner at my place daily, never brought anything and had the nerve to ask me to pay for a bbq he invited me to. Heck when I came over the 1st time, he treated me to a glass of orange juice and that's it. AVOID, AVOID, AVOID!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 My guess, he is treating you as "casual", he threw you the "relationship" bait to keep you interested. He is out for a good time, but it not willing to pay for anything, not even a single beer... when you did all the travelling cross town to somewhere close by for him. Selfishness personified. He is no doubt still bitter over his ex and the money he "wasted" on her. He has already told you he is not over her. Expect nothing to come of this and you will not I guess be disappointed. 7 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Calmandfocused Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 Op I’d find this situation highly embarrassing. Wasn’t he uncomfortable by this, even a little? So you both order a drink at a bar, he gets some change out then asks you to pay for yours? This is not “going Dutch”. This is tightfistedness. I’m cringing imagining the scenario.... If I was you Id be very embarrassed ....and turned off. Stinginess is not attractive in my opinion and being so brazen about it. I agree that the man should not bank roll the dates but a bit of give and take wouldn’t go amiss. What’s wrong with you buying a drink then him buying one? Is he scared that somehow he’ll end up paying a few extra pennies/ cents more than you? This is often a sign of things to come op and it can become more extreme as the relationship progresses. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Asayi Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 Your gut feeling is right about this one: the guy is cheap and doesn’t want to invest in you. He won’t change and suddenly become generous. Actually, he might get even worse and you’ll end up paying for almost everything (if you are generous by nature and offer to pay the full bill as other people are suggesting you in this thread). He doesn’t seem to want anything serious with you. He’s acting like a guy who doesn’t want to put effort and who still wants to get laid. I don’t consider it to be a date if the guy doesn’t pay for the first dates. It’s a hangout with an acquaintance or at best a friend. It’s not only about money (so calm down people who scream ‘gold digger’). It’s about someone’s character. The guy sounds selfish, especially if he makes sure that you won’t forget to pay for your half. Move to the next one who’ll treat you better. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 Nothing worst than a guy who is cheap. If he won't buy your dinner or beer now I doubt he will later. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 lt's crackin me up , l couldn't even imagine point blank saying to a new girl , did you pay for your drink, that's tight. And you travel cross town to him but he won't even treat you , classy dude . Dunno what ya gonna do with him, good luck. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 lt's crackin me up , l couldn't even imagine point blank saying to a new girl , did you pay for your drink, that's tight. I can't even imagine that happening with friends out for a drink. I buy a round, you buy a round, not "2 beers please" and then only pay for one and expect the other person to go back up to the bar and pay for their own... Madness. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 If he is a cheap person or has big emotional issues with it, it's probably better to ask for separate checks and pay your own and have control over and not split the bill between you. Also, if you start the "I'll pay this date, you pay the next one," if he's cheap (he is), this will backfire on you. He'll take advantage of when he knows you're paying to splurge. So for now, keep separate checks. D0nnivain is right that it's better he pay for your beer than get something more expensive and expect you to magically be prepared to split it and him making all the decisions. I have a friend I would ask to lunch more often but he is one of those that if you ask him, he expects you'll pay, and it's not a date. We're just friends, very old friends. All my other friends pay their own and I pay mine except special occasions, no matter who asks, because it's not a date. So it would be one thing if that friend would ever do the asking, but the most he'll do is say "We ought to get together sometime soon" but then if I contact him soon and ask to follow up, guess what? To him, that's still me paying. So we're down to about once a year. He needs to reciprocate. I'm always happy to get separate checks with friends, and I'm always happy to pick theirs up if I know they really shouldn't try to afford it at the time due to extra expenses. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 I can't even imagine that happening with friends out for a drink. I buy a round, you buy a round, not "2 beers please" and then only pay for one and expect the other person to go back up to the bar and pay for their own... Madness. Yeah, that’s how it is with me too. If I go out with work colleagues for dinner we’ll split the check, but if it is friends or family we take turns. And if it is for drinks we take turns with the rounds. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 Red flag alert. He'd been with his ex for 4 years but wasn't ready to settle down even if it meant losing her - this tells you that he's all about himself and she didn't mean that much to him, and no woman ever will. He's a serious cheapskate - this tells you that money is more important to him than anything else. I suggest you drive across town and meet up with him for dinner and drinks, and then say you're going to the bathroom and sneak out leaving him to pay the bill. Block him on your 'phone as you're leaving because he'll be super pissed. Don't ever look back - you're way too good for Mr Stingy Pants. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted September 3, 2019 Share Posted September 3, 2019 Date someone new. This guy will be selfish his whole life. When he wants sex charge him $200 �� LOL!!! Brilliant. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 I suggest you drive across town and meet up with him for dinner and drinks, and then say you're going to the bathroom and sneak out leaving him to pay the bill. that's really mean MsJ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 It’s one thing to offer and another to be told. He sounds bossy and selfish. No thanks. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 That's ridiculous. Move on. I don't feel he'll be worth it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 I can't even imagine that happening with friends out for a drink. I buy a round, you buy a round, not "2 beers please" and then only pay for one and expect the other person to go back up to the bar and pay for their own... Madness. So True! I do the same w/my partner, we never count out how much we owe each other. I pay one time and he pays the next. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 The "who pays" thing is a bad thing, but remember it's not about money, it's about courtesy. If you just meet that person once, it is not outrageous that a man pay for one drink (as in an alcoholic beverage or a coffee) for the woman. But it's now 3 dates in. He's a scrooge. Chances are he'll be a scrooge with other things. Or he doesn't care enough to be anything other than a scrooge. Fact. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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