Asayi Posted September 3, 2019 Posted September 3, 2019 Hi! This guy followed me on Ig 6 months ago and he sent me a message saying that he loves my blog and what I write. I thanked him and we started talking to each other once in a while on the same app. I knew he was just out of a relationship and I wasn’t interested more than that. Fast forward to this summer, for a reason I ignore, I started seeing potential in him as more than just a penpal. I also started to get a bit frustrated every time that he suggested me to try something new or talking about a dish and not thinking/suggesting to try it together (aka he didn’t ask me out). So a bit more than a week ago, I tried something I never did before: I hinted that I wanted a date with him and it WORKED. He asked me out and we finally met. It went very well and he was a real gentleman with me. I’ve never been treated like he treated me. After that date, he kept contact with me by texting me every day and asking me out again for a picnic. That’s what we did Sunday and again, it was amazing! We spent like 8 hours together, getting to know each other, even dancing (not a slow dance, but fun dances) and I just started falling hard for him. He also told me things about him that I think are very personal. The only thing is that he never tried to hold my hand or kiss me. I’m not even sure he’s attracted to me. He’s always respectful towards me and a real gentleman. I know he likes spending time with me and he even thinks about other activities we can do together, but I can’t say if he only sees me as a friend or more. He compliments my writings and he sometimes tell me that I’m cute when I tell a silly joke or when I do something, but he hasn’t showed me yet that he’s attracted to me. He also tells me that he admires my writings and that he thinks that I’m a mystery to solve (I don’t even know if that’s a good thing..). Do you think he’s interested in me?
smackie9 Posted September 3, 2019 Posted September 3, 2019 He also tells me that he thinks that I’m a mystery to solve (I don’t even know if that’s a good thing..). Yes he is, and this^^^ there means you are giving him mixed signals. He's trying to figure out if he is in the friends zone or is there romantic interest. FLIRT for f'sakes, dress a little sexy, touch his arm, get close to him, grab his hand, give him a complement or two. You need to throw the guy a few bones, to get him to make a move. he's a slow mover so it's obvious you need to help him along. 2
preraph Posted September 3, 2019 Posted September 3, 2019 Most men are not interested in women only to be friends, so if someone is spending time with you and they're a man, the overwhelming odds is that that they are at least open to finding out if you'd be a good romantic partner for them OR if they can at least get laid. Usually it's the latter, but with this one, he's enjoying you as a person too, so yay! It's possible it's not optimum time for him or he's still stuck on the ex or something, but next date , if he doesn't hold your hand or something touchy, YOU reach over and touch his arm while he's talking or sit up close to him or something to make the first subtle physical move. 1
Author Asayi Posted September 3, 2019 Author Posted September 3, 2019 Thank you to both of you for your replies! I feel like I already made a move by hinting that I want a date with him. He obviously knows that I like him. I don’t want to put myself in a chasing position. I’m being receptive to his initiatives, but I don’t think I should be the one to break the barrier of physical contact. I’m worried that he might still be stuck to his ex. He deleted their pictures together and he unfollowed/blocked her + he told me during summer that he moved on, but I’m still a bit skeptical. We were talking about rebounds Sunday and I told him that I could never use someone as a rebound and he said that he shared the same value too. I also think that if he really likes me and fears screwing up, he’d forget about that ex’s name already lol I don’t and I can’t control his feelings and if he’s still stuck to the ex, then Okay, but then he’d definitely making me lose my time and of course I’ll resent him for that and I’d delete him from my life if that’s the case. If the subject is brought and if he tells me that he wants something more, I’ll make sure as hell that he’s 110% done with his last relationship. But for now, I don’t even know what he wants and who I am to him. I don’t even know how to recognize someone who’s interested in me anymore. I got ghosted a few times in the last months while I thought their was clear interest from the guys, so... hahah
basil67 Posted September 3, 2019 Posted September 3, 2019 You're being overly cautious. It's not going to go anywhere while you're being so risk averse.
Author Asayi Posted September 3, 2019 Author Posted September 3, 2019 You're being overly cautious. It's not going to go anywhere while you're being so risk averse. You’re right, but my intuition was always right so far...
basil67 Posted September 3, 2019 Posted September 3, 2019 But your intuition isn't going to give him a green light to break the touch barrier. 1
Author Asayi Posted September 3, 2019 Author Posted September 3, 2019 But your intuition isn't going to give him a green light to break the touch barrier. I don’t want him to touch me if he has another girl in his mind
Versacehottie Posted September 4, 2019 Posted September 4, 2019 totally agree with smackie. See how your extra push got him to ask you on a date? Some guys need REALLY CLEAR signals that it's ok and they are basically going to get a YES from you. I'd say you just need to do more of that on your dates. IMO, I doubt a guy is going to take you to do the things you've done or spent the type of time and effort on you in the way he has if he is not interested. Good luck 1
smackie9 Posted September 4, 2019 Posted September 4, 2019 What I see is a guy that that has been out of the game for awhile and is unsure about himself and dating. THAT would explain his hesitant behavior....he's worried about rejection, messing up,etc. 2
basil67 Posted September 4, 2019 Posted September 4, 2019 I don’t want him to touch me if he has another girl in his mind What makes you think he's got another girl in his mind?
spiderowl Posted September 5, 2019 Posted September 5, 2019 As you don't really know him, maybe you should check that he is not married before you fall in love with him. Yes, he sounds very interested. He could be shy or there could be something else holding him back (which is why I say check he's not married or attached). Good luck though if he is available
Author Asayi Posted September 15, 2019 Author Posted September 15, 2019 Hello everyone! First, thank you for the advice and for answering to my thread. I know for a fact that he’s not married haha But it’s always a good think to be careful. So quick update: he asked me out on a date to go see a play. I said yes. He paid for our tickets (I offered to pay mine, but he said ‘no’ and that he invited me). The date went very well beside the fact that I had a terrible headache (he didn’t know that). It was Friday evening. Beside him approaching me during the play to tell me things about the play in my ear, he never tried to touch me or hold my hand or anything. After the play, we went back to the subway (I knew he had to go back home early to finish things for the next day and my headache became terrible) even though I wanted to spend more time with him. He had his hands in his pockets and still no physical contact. He went to my bus station with me to wait for my bus and he gave me a gift (a book) and I was super happy about it, and wasn’t expecting it. I gave him a big hug and thanked him and then I went to take my bus and he left. Yesterday, he texted me that he was sad that he had to go home early Friday evening because he wanted to spend more time with me (like going for a walk and eat ice cream together) and I answered that we can do that another time. I don’t mind taking things slow, but I don’t even know if he’s attracted to me... The last time someone was taking forever and was never touching me, he ended up ghosting me, so... This one is different and consistent (for now), but I don’t know... I feel like I’m falling hard for him, but it scares me. Should I distance myself or should I keep seeing him? If I keep seeing him, when should be the ‘deadline’ before moving on? 5 dates? Something is off, but I can’t tell why. I’m wondering if he’s losing interest (if he ever was interest in the first place)
justwhoiam Posted September 15, 2019 Posted September 15, 2019 Something similar happened to me. He was giving me no real signs he liked me. But a friend of mine told me that (when he told me, I was like: "are you sure? It doesn't look like it..."). So anyway, one fine day he asks me out. At the end of the date, he drives me home and I'm about to leave, and he says: bye. So I said: "are you letting me go like this? With a bye? Don't you even give me a kiss?" And he kissed me on the cheek. Every guy has his own pace, and insecurities. He didn't want to fail. But I guess that's a bit rare. Should you have a deadline? I say: whatever makes you comfortable.
preraph Posted September 15, 2019 Posted September 15, 2019 It sounds promising. He may not be very experienced, but that's okay. Don't play games with him. Don't text him to death. Save conversation for dates. He might make a good boyfriend. Good luck!
Author Asayi Posted September 15, 2019 Author Posted September 15, 2019 @justwhoiam cute story! Did you end up together? Did he initiate physical contacts after that or were you the one to do all the physical things (including the first kiss)? @preraph He had two serious girlfriends before, so I think he’s more experienced than me... I agree with the texting thing, I used to not be a text person (guys I went on dates with could go days without texting me and I was fine with that), but this one started to send ‘good morning texts’ and asking how my day is and then sends good nights texts. At first, I could takes hours to answer back and sometimes, I only answered the next morning and I could feel it was bothering him, so I started to go at his pace. He’s the one initiating all the texts though, I don’t think I’m texting him to death hahah anyways, I agree with you: he would make an amazing boyfriend (he’s actually husband/father material, but that’s not for now lol) and I don’t want to play games (I feel like myself around him), but I kind of want a sign that he’s attracted to me and that he wants more than just friendship. Otherwise, I wouldn’t mind being friends with him, but then, I wouldn’t spend so much time on him. Someone once said that if he’s making me guess, it means that he’s not that into me. Either I lost faith in relationships and can’t recognize when a guy is into me or he’s really not that into me. I think it’s ‘easier’ to not have feelings. I have (had) guy friends who fell in love with me and who never tried anything physical on me, so maybe he’s interested even though he doesn’t show physical evidence that he does, but who knows.
smackie9 Posted September 15, 2019 Posted September 15, 2019 You offered to pay for your ticket.....big mistake. That tells a guy he could be in the friends zoned, and there isn’t romantic interest. That would explain why he held back again. Good god you want him to take the lead, then let him pay for the date, let him feel like a man. You can’t sit on your tuffet, and not touch, flirt, be giggly, and fun. He needs signals....good solid signals. Hinting does NOT work. 1
devilish innocent Posted September 15, 2019 Posted September 15, 2019 He's asked you out several times. He's paying for the dates. He's texting every day. He says he wanted to spend more time with you. It really sounds like things are going well. Those are the actions of a guy who is interested in a girl, not one who is disinterested. Why distance yourself from him at this point? Just because he could disappear tomorrow. That is always a risk with anybody you date. He could have thrown himself all over and still be out of your life tomorrow. You can't let your fears stop you from living in the moment. Your thread is all about the "What ifs" rather than what is actually happening. I wonder if he senses your hesitancy and that is why things haven't progressed physically. If things don't progress, and you don't want to make the first move yourself, I don't see what you have to lose by asking him why things aren't progressing. The worst that could happen is that he will say he is not interested in you that way. Then you could stop seeing him as you wanted to anyway. It won't be the end of the world. But what if things aren't progressing because he's shy? What if he wasn't sure you were interested? What if he wanted to take things slow in order to let feelings build up even more strongly? What if he likes you more than he's liked any other girl so you intimidate him? Your plan is to just disappear and assume the worst. You will lose him for sure that way. 2
justwhoiam Posted September 15, 2019 Posted September 15, 2019 @justwhoiam cute story! Did you end up together? We got married eventually. Did he initiate physical contacts after that or were you the one to do all the physical things (including the first kiss)? No, I didn't want to push things. I'm oldfashioned and if he really wanted me, he had to grow a pair... He came back from his already planned vacation with a silver ring, that was his attempt to say he wanted to get together, and that's how it started. We french kissed that night or the next day for the first time.
stillafool Posted September 15, 2019 Posted September 15, 2019 He wouldn't ask you out several times (not dutch) unless he was interested. So be sure he is interested and stop worrying about that part. You do have to show interest and be a bit flirty and fun with him. You having a headache that he didn't know about couldn't have put you in the best mood and it may have shown. He probably stopped all the texting because he thought you didn't like it because you took long to reply. He likes you you just have to show him you like him in a romantic way too.
justwhoiam Posted September 16, 2019 Posted September 16, 2019 He wouldn't ask you out several times (not dutch) What does that mean? Not dutch?
The Outlaw Posted September 16, 2019 Posted September 16, 2019 Definitely, but he may just be biding his time since he's fresh out of a relationship. But as smackie said, throw him a few bones to see if he'll make a move and go from there. Plan out more dates with him and see where to go from there.
stillafool Posted September 16, 2019 Posted September 16, 2019 What does that mean? Not dutch? Where he doesn't expect her to split the cost of the bill with him.
Author Asayi Posted September 16, 2019 Author Posted September 16, 2019 I offered to pay for my ticket because I didn’t want him to think I’m rude not to. I let him take the lead, but I’m still receptive and I think I flirt with him (but maybe I suck at it). Also, good point for the headache part! Maybe he felt I was a bit distant (because of it). The thing with him is that now, I’m expecting him to keep doing what he made me used to (for example, receiving a good morning or good night text), so I do feel that something is off when he stops doing it. If he never did the text thing, I wouldn’t mind. Because of past experiences, I’m better at opening my eyes when something is off. One month ago, some guy behaved the same way that the ghoster did and I remember telling my sister ‘I have a gut feeling that this one is going to ghost me’ and when it did happen, it hurt a lot, but I guessed right, so I moved on in a very short time. I don’t know what is off with the guy I’m seeing right now. I know dating is always a risk because risk is part of the game, but playing is exhausting and I don’t want to play. Anyways, I think the smart move would be to go on dates with other guys, to stop expecting anything from him and to only give him my exclusivity if he asks for it. I can’t assume anything as long as he doesn’t directly tell me what he wants with me. He did tell me on our 2nd date that he’s an honest guy and that he’s direct about what he wants, so I believe I’ll have answers from him eventually and with time, but I won’t wait forever
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