He lied about ex then disappeared..feeling worthless

[commongirl2020]

I found out that a guy I have been dating for 4 months recently reconnected with his ex behind my back despite telling me he would never go back to her as she had cheated on him and was overall toxic during their relationship I had my suspicions weeks ago when I saw a name in his phone saved under "I hate you but I love you" texting him.. When I inquired about if it was his ex he denied it, but something still didnt sit right with me. It was at that point that I practically begged him to be honest and told him i would not hold it against him if he was dealing with her again/thinking about reconciling, I just wanted him to be honest so that I could take myself out of the equation and avoid further hurt..Again, he denied that was the case and told me I had nothing to worry about. Fast forward to last night, a friend of mine who just happens to also be friends with the guy I was dating saw him post a video on ig with his ex last night despite telling me he was busy with "work related things." I also have him on instagram but apparently he'd hid his story from me so I could not see. When I sent him a message letting him know I had found out what was going on, instead of him responding or giving any explanation regarding why he wasnt forthright, he blocked me...

 

I am absolutely heart broken. I know we were only dating for 4 months but I did a lot for him. I'm a graduate student (studying epidemiology) and I know i should be focused on that but i cant help but feel used, defective and replaceable since he went back to an ex he complained so much about despite me being there for him. I also should mention he is a struggling opioid addict (addicted to percocets), however despite this I did all i could to help him and try to see the best past his addiction. We were together nearly everyday, he met my parents, closest friends and likewise. I just dont understand why i wasnt good enough? and why he wouldnt just admit to still seeing her when i asked so that I could move on (as that isnt fair). He and his ex were together on and off for a year and when i met him she had moved out of his place and they'd been broken up about 2 months... He swore he was over her and actually "hated" her because she'd been unfaithful... I am wondering how to move forward from this with no closure now that he has gone MIA...How do I stop internalizing this? Why wasnt i enough for him to choose me over her? Any advice or input would help.

[Pepsi38]

Sorry this has happened. To be honest, 2 months single beforehand sounds like this was possibly a rebound...

 

I think you've dodged a bullet - addiction issues, clearly has other issues if he's happy to go back to a cheating toxic ex. Don't question whether you were good enough, he wasn't good enough for you. No one with decent morals would simply block contact from someone they've been dating 4 months without an explanation - but then you already exposed his player ways so he just didn't want to deal with the fallout.

 

No doubt he will come running back when it doesn't work out with his ex again - if i were you I'd steer well clear.

[stillafool]

It wasn't that you weren't good enough it's just that he was not over her. I'm sure he wished that he had met you when he was completely over her but that didn't happen. It's important to never enter a relationship with a person who is recently out of a relationship because they usually end up back with the ex. This happens all the time. Also, he can't give you closure you have to give that to yourself.

Edited September 3, 2019 by stillafool

[smackie9]

You dodged a bullet...he's an addict, has had a recent toxic relationship AND he lied!...red flag red flag red flag!!!

 

tip: stop being a fixer/rescuer. This is an unhealthy way to start a relationship. I hope this experience has opened your eyes to not make this mistake twice.

[Calmandfocused]

Op why are you preoccupied with you not being good enough for him?

 

Clearly he is not good enough for you! Not only is he a jerk, he is a mess! And a liar and a coward .... need I go on?

 

Why would someone like you whose got their act together want some like him?

 

Sounds like they deserve each other.

 

Without knowing it yet, both of them have done you a massive favour op.

I’m sorry you’re hurting but one day you’ll look back at this and thank your lucky stars this happened to you.

[kendahke]

2 months? You are the rebound--the "make my ex jealous" bait.

 

Once there was a "disturbance in the force" when you came on the scene, she got busy reeling him back to her... and he chomped down on the hook good and hard and let her reel away.

 

The two of them doing that has nothing to do with you nor is it a reflection on you. You did nothing wrong here, so do what you need to do to process this out of your system, but please don't succumb to thoughts that you are somehow defective. Actually, what you are is a very strong ally for your own interests. You trusted your gut and followed your instincts when many women would have opted to shove their heads into the sand and pretend there was nothing wrong.

 

The fact that he chose to block you says everything--he can't keep explaining himself out of his lies.

 

You dodged a nuclear warhead.

Edited September 3, 2019 by kendahke

[lana-banana]

Why wasnt i enough for him to choose me over her?

 

My heart broke when I read this. Oh, honey. You can never think that. Some people will break up with you to be with someone, and sometimes you will break up with others because you want to be with someone else. You don't judge people by whether they're enough or not enough, as though their qualities can be measured and the person with the most "wins". Sometimes you want to be with someone because they complement you in a way that's hard to explain. Some attachments are healthy, some aren't. But the heart wants what it wants.

 

You are always enough. You are fully enough, right here, right now, in every moment. You have to believe in your own worth and know that someday you'll meet someone who puts you above all others.

[Asayi]

With time, you’ll realize that it was never about you. It was never your fault. You did nothing wrong and his behavior has nothing to do with your value. I’ve been treated like crap too and when I read comments like this on Internet, I wasn’t able to believe it. Trust me when I tell you that you’ll end up understanding what these words mean.

 

The addicted guy went back to an unfaithful ex. Look how bad this situation is. I know you tried to help him, but it’s not your job to fix people. You deserve someone who’s healthy and able to love you. Of course you deserved the decency to at least been told the truth by him, but he didn’t. Not because you weren’t worthy of it. His actions only tell about him, not you.

 

Take some time for yourself and move forward. Let this one go. Your person is somewhere in this world and thank God it’s not him.

[d0nnivain]

You are not worthless. You were used but that makes him a bad guy. It has no bearing on the kind of person you are.

 

Going forward remember two things. 1). Avoid guys who just broke up with somebody. 2). when things don't feel right to you, they probably aren't right.

 

You get through this by taking comfort knowing your gut was right. You also recognize that you have good boundaries. You were willing to walk away because you knew this was off.

[preraph]

Oh, man, here you are feeling bad about yourself over a lying opioid addict! There's no other kind. Please wake up! You can't help him. Only he can help him, and do NOT hold your breath. You were naive to think you could change him from a lying addict to someone worth dating. You can't.

 

You've got to quit telling yourself he was some great person. You've got to stop thinking you can fix someone or change them. Only they can change themselves.

 

Stop settling for seriously flawed men and start looking for ones who already have it together. Did you grow up caretaking someone, or is this just naivety from inexperience?

[MsJayne]

A person has to be thoroughly self-absorbed and emotionally screwed up to treat others with such disregard and disrespect. He's sly, he's a liar, he's emotionally unstable, and he's come into your life and coloured it with some of his poison. It's not that you're not enough or not good enough, on the contrary it's the opposite. People like him latch on to people like you so they can feed off of your niceness to counterbalance their ugliness. You're worth a thousand of him, and I'd lay a decent bet that his ex just wishes he'd get lost. You should confront him, flick him off, and three months from now you'll look back and say to yourself, "Good God, what was I thinking dating that brainless oxygen thief?"

[The Outlaw]

I get the feeling of being used, because I've been there, but don't ever think that you aren't good enough. Actions can and will always speak louder than words and he's proven his worth to you when he got back together with her. He'll be even more miserable now than he ever was when he was with her the first place. I know it hurts, but he did you a favor. He just wasn't trustworthy.

[mortensorchid]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. But think of yourself as lucky - You could have gone on longer without knowing anything and you would have been even more hurt when you did. He lied and cheated and hid things from you - he's a horrible person. Move on.

[spiderowl]

I am sorry about what happened. You dated a cheater. He was a cheater because he lied to you about not getting back with his ex. None of this is your fault. You have been honest - he's the one who should be feeling worthless not you!

 

It's worth listening to what a guy says about an ex. I tend to think if the guy was not the one who ended the relationship but it was triggered by something like infidelity, there is no reason to suppose he is over it. An ex cheating can mean different things: she cheated and ran off with someone else; she cheated and I broke up with her.

 

I know it's difficult to know what to believe. I'm sorry you got caught in the middle of what was a drama between this guy and his ex. Take care of yourself and allow yourself time to recover. Remember he is at fault not you. You are a genuine person with lots to offer. It is difficult for anyone to compete with someone he has already bonded with in the past, especially if he did not choose to leave her.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

You dodged a bullet...he's an addict, has had a recent toxic relationship AND he lied!...red flag red flag red flag!!!

 

tip: stop being a fixer/rescuer. This is an unhealthy way to start a relationship. I hope this experience has opened your eyes to not make this mistake twice.

 

Yes many times over! You aren't a therapist. I tried dating a guy who was bi polar and had a felony. BIG MISTAKE! He turned out to be crazy and full of more problems then I wanted.

 

Don't feel useless. Him and his ex had issues, in the long run they prob won't last. You want someone who has no baggage, of which this guy has a lot of.

[Redhead14]

he is a struggling opioid addict (addicted to percocets), however despite this I did all i could to help him and try to see the best past his addiction.

 

First of all, helping a drug addict is outside of your skill set. He needs to want to be helped and you've only known him for 4 months. You do not have that kind of relationship that would even remotely affect what he does.

 

Second of all, I would say that the reason he's back with the ex is that she enables him in some way or another that facilitates the addictions.

 

You are beating a dead horse here. Until this guy gets clean and I mean clean for a significant period of time, he does not have a clear thought in his head and is totally and completely unsuitable as a dating partner for a young woman with aspirations. You would exhaust yourself trying to "help" him and at some point this guy would have cleaned you out mentally, emotionally and, maybe financially.

 

Until this guy is totally clean, no woman would actually be dating HIM. They are dating the guy who is controlled by drugs and whatever demons are driving him to addiction.

 

Why wasnt i enough for him to choose me over her?

-- He didn't choose her over you. He doesn't have a clue about what he's doing. And, I promise you that she is not winning anything except heartache, stress, worry, a drug partner, perhaps, and an empty shell of a man.

 

Why did he tell you he hates her and doesn't want anything to do with her? Because it's not a good selling point to tell a new girl that he just wants her to be a filler while he's working on getting back with the Ex. How do you know when a drug addict is lying? -- their lips are moving.

 

You don't love this guy. You love who you wish/imagine him to be. Don't date drug addicts or alcoholics. They are incapable of truly loving and caring for another person and their drug of choice will always be their first love. Everyone and everything else is a tool for them to proliferate their lifestyle one way or another.

 

And, you should not be asking why you weren't good enough for him. What you should be asking is why you thought he was good for YOU!!!!

Edited September 6, 2019 by Redhead14

[Soak]

No doubt he will come running back when it doesn't work out with his ex again - if i were you I'd steer well clear.

 

Do NOT take him back or respond to any contact if he comes back (which is likely, imo). He will likely hurt you again and it is a cycle you do not want to enter.

 

Go NC and don't look back. There are many selfish people out there. Just have your BS detectors on and be more careful in future. Resist getting attached too early, or romanticising about them.

[winny]

I know it hurts right now, but trust me... few months later you will feel thankful that he went out of your life. Do you really want to date a liar and a jerk?

Hang on there, with time you will feel better. Its not you who is worthless, its him.