I stopped sex to answer the phone. He got upset and said I should leave. Was I wrong?

[basil67]

It's funny how the OP hasn't mentioned the reason why her daughter was in a panic. So was it an emergency or not? I suspect it wasn't because she was ready to start having sex again.....so I'm on his side.

 

OP didn't mention the reason, but did say that the daughter was fine.

[Amethyst68]

I'd usually say your kids win over your BF but having read some of your earlier posts I suspect that your daughter constantly calling is not a one off. It might not have happened more than twice during sex but it wouldn't surprise me to hear it is common during your time together.

 

Your daughter is used to having your full attention, you admit to doing things for her (such as toileting and bathing) even though she not incapable of doing so but because she would do it slower than you consider normal. I think she has become an expert in manipulating you and you need to work on establishing proper boundaries or she will never become independent.

 

As for your BF, you obviously have more issues, you were posting about dumping him a few weeks back and now wondering if you're exaggerating his response/behavior to give you another reason for breaking up. It's kind of clear from your posts you don't want to be with this man do just tell him and let him move on.

[d0nnivain]

You seem to be looking for a reason to break up. If you want to use this, go ahead.

 

If you stopped sex the 1st time the phone rang to chat idly with a friend, yes he would have a right to be upset.

 

Your young teen daughter called 3x. That does scream trouble so you had a greater obligation to your child's safety.

[thefooloftheyear]

I think some are being too hard on the guy...I dunno…/There is about 85% of my day(at least) where I don't even have my cell in arms reach and I haven't used the ring function in years.. I know I am not the only one, either..Maybe he's the same type?? A true "drop everything right now" type of emergency only happens a handful of times in a persons entire life...The Wifi going down or the dog crapped on the carpet don't count... I find it absolutely maddening how some people can't spend a single minute without their cell in their face...But that's a topic for another thread...

 

If you think about it, we all have done this(I have done it often), when this type of stuff happens...You may be telling someone a story, and they are not paying attention, or you ask them to help you with a task and they slack, so you tell them to go away and handle it yourself or you end the conversation abruptly…

 

Emergency or not, in the OPs case, its a boner killer...The emergency aspect would merely justify it...So he zipped up and left a bit aggravated...So what? You think that will be the first or last time a member of a couple gets aggravated over the other persons behavior? Lets stop living in Fantasyland, people...

 

Under normal conditions, with normal level headed people, he cools off, you explain what happened emergency or not, if it wasn't vital you have a talk with kid about being patient.. and that's the end of it....

 

TFY

[Sunlight72]

OP, you were wrong. Anyone can turn their phone off for an hour for personal time, including you.

 

A 14 year old shouldn't be left on their own if they can't fend for themself in their own home or where ever you left her. To spend time with your boyfriend do you have a sitter/friend/relative watch your daughter? She should be with an adult, especially if she can't function without you for an hour. She should not have a need to call you - she should be supervised by a responsible person.

 

Just to be clear - it's fine (and good) that your daughter likes talking to you. It's wrong that you seemingly can't prioritize even an hour for your own life, not even While Having Sex, and call or spend time with your daughter after your date/personal time is over. You have taught your daughter how to own you for her whims. Your boyfriend should be irritated if this is a regular occurrence - who wants to be such an afterthought? Even during sex? Sheesh.

Edited September 4, 2019 by Sunlight72

[elaine567]

The other side of the story is that the bf is rigid, controlling and hypercritical of the OP. See previous threads.

The fact he immediately launched into nuclear mode is not really surprising. The OP is lukewarm about this relationship, so hopefully this will give her the excuse she needs to dump him.

 

We've been together for a year and 2 months. He sees a future with me. If I'm to be honest, I do not see one with him. I cant imagine living with him or having kids with him. I haven't straight out told him this Deep down inside I know that I have to break it off but I've lied to myself saying It'll get better, hoping itll get better. It won't.

 

It won't because I feel he's too critical of everything I do, I feel that he can come off as mean and rude. He's in a different headspace and I feel that because of his age (46) he's trying to settle and build as quickly as possible. He's had many missed opportunities and is now making up for it and feels like I'm the one to do it with. My head is not into settling just yet. There's other reasons too.

 

One thing that really bothers me is that when I kiss him I don't feel anything. I don't know why I don't feel anything. Sex is good but can be a chore. I feel like emotionally he doesn't get me or connect with me.

[kendahke]

We've been together for a year and 2 months. He sees a future with me. If I'm to be honest, I do not see one with him. I cant imagine living with him or having kids with him. I haven't straight out told him this Deep down inside I know that I have to break it off but I've lied to myself saying It'll get better, hoping itll get better. It won't.

 

It won't because I feel he's too critical of everything I do, I feel that he can come off as mean and rude. He's in a different headspace and I feel that because of his age (46) he's trying to settle and build as quickly as possible. He's had many missed opportunities and is now making up for it and feels like I'm the one to do it with. My head is not into settling just yet. There's other reasons too.

 

One thing that really bothers me is that when I kiss him I don't feel anything. I don't know why I don't feel anything. Sex is good but can be a chore. I feel like emotionally he doesn't get me or connect with me.

 

This is a prime example of how you go about wasting youth with a man you're marking time with...

 

then have the nerve to be appalled that he got up after yet one more example of how you don't give a rip about him.

 

Your head isn't even in this guy, why are you so upset that he didn't want the sexy from you after this? You should have been glad, given how you really feel about him

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think this guy is totally right in his reaction. It always boggles my mind that people think that their child should come first to their dating partner as well. Your dating partner at best will pretend to care out of politeness.

 

 

 

Your daughter sounds like a drama queen. At her age, she knows how to call emergency services that are better equipped to help in the event of true emergency.

[NuevoYorko]

Pretty much. It's very rude of your daughter to call you repeatedly at any hour when it's not emergency level.

 

Huge buzzkill that you won't protect sexy time with your man better.

 

Holy s***, people.

 

If you have a kid and they call you repeatedly, YOU ANSWER. If it turns out they didn't need you for real, you deal with that later, but if it happens again, YOU STILL ANSWER. No way are you going to take the risk that something is seriously wrong in order to "protect sexy time."

 

If I were with a woman who'd left a 14 year old kid on their own and who didn't answer after 3 back to back calls - I would be the one to stop the sex. Speaking as a parent here.

 

 

I'm hoping all you who are outraged that the OP answered this call are childless currently.

[Sunlight72]

Holy s***, people.

 

If you have a kid and they call you repeatedly, YOU ANSWER. If it turns out they didn't need you for real, you deal with that later, but if it happens again, YOU STILL ANSWER.

So it's about being a responsible parent? If we're tossing out 'should's, how about a parent should do better to guard their child's safety than hoping the child will call them if the kid gets burned/cut/falls down the stairs/smokes pot/meth/crack while they're on their own? Perhaps arrange an adult to be with them instead of leaving them alone. A cell phone is not a responsible adult on the scene.

 

And, I'm not outraged. It just appears lame and inconsiderate to me.

Edited September 4, 2019 by Sunlight72

[NuevoYorko]

So it's about being a responsible parent? If we're tossing out 'should's, how about a parent should do better to guard their child's safety than hoping the child will call them if the kid gets burned/cut/falls down the stairs/smokes pot/meth/crack while they're on their own? Perhaps arrange an adult to be with them instead of leaving them alone. A cell phone is not a responsible adult on the scene.

 

 

When my daughter was 14 I felt she was responsible enough to be left on her own. Among the many parents I've known, including my own, teen years are an appropriate time to stop having babysitters for reasonable kids.

 

Part of the deal was that she was to call me if she needed me.

 

If she was calling me multiple times in a row for no good reason besides wanting my attention, as I said, I would have dealt with that by going over the boundaries - later. But I would have answered the phone.

[basil67]

I'm hoping all you who are outraged that the OP answered this call are childless currently.

 

I am the parent of a daughter. I wrote that it deserves context. If she's out at night and it's getting late, then I'd answer immediately. If she's calling from school (as opposed to the school office calling me), then it's not urgent at all.

 

Kids need to be given the space to learn how to problem solve on their own. They need to make mistakes and sort it out. Helicoptering above, being there on call for every question creates kids who can't sort out their own issues and who don't develop resilience.

[Lotsgoingon]

OP,

 

Forget the parenting issue: you're not interested and you feel nothing with this guy. Trust me, he has felt your lack of interest ... He has felt it in his bones.

 

That phone call was just the latest sense of rejection he felt. Had he felt your connection all along, he would have likely been more patient.

 

But given that you don't feel anything with him ... feeling like being with him is "settling" ... then he was smart to leave. We all would be.

 

Let this guy go. You're using him ... and not being honest with him. The phone call and daughter-mother thing is completely irrelevant. You're wasting the time of someone you know you don't really like. That's the issue--for him and for you.

 

Let this guy go. Move on to find someone you're interested in ... and allow him to do the same.

[Tristian]

Ok folks, let's keep the parenting skills discussions in the Parenting section, As this is the dating section let's keep our replies here focused on the OP and her boyfriend.

Edited September 7, 2019 by Tristian

[Foxhall]

On balance,I think you put your daughters needs first which I would see as the right thing to do,

 

regarding her needing to be less dependent is also correct but that is a different question

 

Also perhaps you could do better in finding a steadier chap who could fit the role of a stepdad.

[Beendaredonedat]

Having sex with someone that considers it a "chore" and then answering the phone in the middle of it would make most people abandon the session.

 

Op: You just need to break up with him so that you can find someone that makes your ears pop so you wouldn't be able to hear the phone ring.

[emeraldgreen]

You weren't wrong for answering. He wasn't wrong for not wanting to start up again. It's just two adults doing what they choose to do. You don't owe each other anything.

[mark clemson]

Dad here. Yes he's being unreasonable. Three times is an automatic stop everything and pick up the phone. If it isn't an emergency then you talk to your daughter about crying wolf.

 

The real issue isn't that he was butt hurt about it. It is how he reacted. No understanding. No compassion. Just annoyance. Not the type of person I'd want in my life - children or no.

 

 

Dad here as well. Generally speaking I totally agree with this ^^^^^.

 

However, it seems that the R is very lukewarm and the kid is deliberately running interference. So tend to agree that he's responding to those issues more than to the specific call itself.

 

I'm not of the view that intimacy time supersedes a possible emergency with a child left alone. A guy (or gal) who does that (in the absence of other issues) is being incredibly selfish IMO.

[usa1ah]

Glad your child was ok, she might not have been. I would have been mad if you didn’t answer the phone. This has happened to my wife and I several times. We have always answered if it was the kids.

 

What a jerk he was. Honestly wouldn’t be to hard to do a lot better then him.

Edited September 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Lotsgoingon]

USA: the OP admits she isn't attracted to this guy, feels nothing when she kisses him. I missed that on my first post but focused on this later, because this reality (her disinterest, her lack of any attraction) have everything to do with what happened.

 

Forget the phone call. This woman was NOT there (in any real sense--given her lack of attraction) even when she was not on the phone. This guy clearly felt her lack of interest ... The phone call was only the final trigger.

 

Walking out when someone is CLEARLY not interested in us does not make us a jerk. Just so happened, he finally had enough of her disinterest because of the phone call. Could have been her answering the doorbell.

 

It would be an entirely different scenario if she was really interested in this guy ... Then we could get to the guy being a jerk.

[elaine567]

He may or may not be an actual jerk, the kid may or may not be over dependent, but anyone dating a single parent has to acknowledge that fact and a kid calling his/her mother needs attended to IMO.

Yes it may be "nothing" but no-one knows that until they answer the phone.

She is a 14 yo kid, anything could have happened, be happening...

[Els]

Given that it happened literally once a year, the guy was unquestionably a douche. If you throw a tantrum over sex being interrupted once an effing YEAR for a phone call from their child, you have problems... and I'm saying this as a person who's childfree by choice and who won't date anyone with kids. If you choose to date a single parent, you need to accept that their child will come first, and not act like a spoilt 5 year old when it happens.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Once a year that your daughter calls and interrupts, period?

 

Or she does this regularly and it's only happened to coincide with SEX a couple of times?

 

Big difference, depending on which it is.

Edited September 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[FMW]

You were well within your rights to take the call, your boyfriend was well within his rights to get upset and leave.

 

As has been pointed out here the main issue seems to be you're not that into this guy and you're looking for a reason to stop seeing him.

 

I think at this point he will probably be on board if you tell him you think you're just not compatible and things aren't working out. Probably time to put you both out of your misery. Sounds like your daughter will be happier if he's out of your life as well.