I stopped sex to answer the phone. He got upset and said I should leave. Was I wrong?

[ItsAllConfusing]

So I was having sex with my boyfriend when my daughter (14 year old) calls me 3 times back to back. I have him stop so I can answer the phone. He gets upset. Pulls the condom off and gets dressed. I come to him (still undressed) telling him we can start again. He Tells me that he doesn't want to continue or talk. He gives me my phone (in frustration) and tells me that i should get dressed and go see my kid and so I leave.

 

Am I in the wrong for stopping sex to answer the phone? I mean this is my kid who knows what trouble she could be in/what she needs. This happened one time before last year. He was frustrated but we continued to have sex after I got off the phone but tonight he couldn't take it.

 

I think he acted selfish, childish and insensitive. If it had of been his kid I would have understood. You can redo sex but getting that moment back when your child calls, you can't.

 

I've been going back and forth with myself on whether we should break up (since we've been together) and maybe tonight is what I needed to see. I think it might be time to end it. I feel like I'm being pulled two different ways (parenting and dating).

 

Thoughts?

 

My child was fine just had some questions.

[newyorker11356]

From what you say, it doesn't sound like this often happens, but very rarely. Sorry, but he sounds incredibly selfish on this at least. I mean, it's your kid.

[gaius]

If it was a genuine emergency then he's a douche. If you let your kid bully you into answering the phone even though it's not really important at his blue ball expense then he was right to be a little upset.

[scooby-philly]

The essential question here is - do you see yourself with this man, character flaws, good points, bad points, qualities - in the long run. No matter what happened it's selfish of him. Yes, you might need to start talking to your daughter about boundaries and how/when to communicate so as to not throw you into a panic. But that's separate from his reaction. If he's generally not selfish and very caring (or to your standards) and you talk to him and figure out he was just frustrated (let's say, you guys don't get a lot of alone time together and he always prioritizes you and your life/needs before his) - it's okay but he has to learn how to express his needs maturely. If it points to other selfish behavior then while it's only the second time it happened....

 

To be honest - from your post it sounds like you're fishing for an excuse to end the relationship. Take some time for yourself and figure out your feelings. You don't want to end it w/o processing things yourself and with him, you shouldn't stick around and ignore your feelings and what they may be telling you to do, and you shouldn't just not explore and discuss things with him period.

[The Outlaw]

I've never been a father, but children come first over anything and everything. He should respect that. But if he can't it's best to end it and find someone that can.

[basil67]

My child was fine just had some questions.

 

I'm going to take a different angle to the others...and context is everything.

 

You've written about problems with your daughter in the past and how she's lacking the life skills of most 14yo kids and needs you to do a whole lot of stuff for her. I can see that this would get wearing on a partner and three calls in a row (about something which turned out to be unimportant anyway) would just cap it off.

 

Being called three times in a row does indicate an emergency and you'd be absolutely right to drop what you're doing for an emergency. But your child fine. Did you use this as a lesson in teaching her that if it's not an emergency, she should be patient and trust you'll get back to her when you can? Or are you just making your partner out to be a bad guy?

[Ami1uwant]

So I was having sex with my boyfriend when my daughter (14 year old) calls me 3 times back to back. I have him stop so I can answer the phone. He gets upset. Pulls the condom off and gets dressed. I come to him (still undressed) telling him we can start again. He Tells me that he doesn't want to continue or talk. He gives me my phone (in frustration) and tells me that i should get dressed and go see my kid and so I leave.

 

Important piece...did you know it was your daughter? When did he know it was your daughter?

 

If I knew it was the child and calling back to back says it’s really important.

 

Another issue...how often have you interrupted conversation..especially big ones to answer a phone or text someone? This could be built up frustration because this signals that he isn’t a priority to you.

Edited September 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ruby Slippers]

If it was a genuine emergency then he's a douche. If you let your kid bully you into answering the phone even though it's not really important at his blue ball expense then he was right to be a little upset.

Pretty much. It's very rude of your daughter to call you repeatedly at any hour when it's not emergency level.

 

Huge buzzkill that you won't protect sexy time with your man better.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Your post sounded as if there are other reasons you're thinking of calling the R off and this incident contributed to that state of mind.

 

I can understand how he would sense you're not totally into the R because you aren't. If that's true then he's already feeling your lack of enthusiasm and this incident just added more of that to his feelings.

 

Add that to your child calling you three times back-to-back for a non emergency and I can understand how it would be a turn off for him. Especially if he's watched how you deal with your daughter and how she acts with you and feels she takes advantage of your time in disrespectful ways.

 

Had you a good strong relationship with your bf and a daughter who understands respectful behavior, then, yes, this would have been selfish of him. However, under the circumstances his behavior and attitude seem warranted to me.

[carhill]

I've been going back and forth with myself on whether we should break up (since we've been together) and maybe tonight is what I needed to see. I think it might be time to end it. I feel like I'm being pulled two different ways (parenting and dating).

 

Thoughts?

If there are doubts and you feel pulled in opposite directions, make the call. Nothing unhealthy with being single and parenting a child to adulthood. She'll be there before you know it. Hopefully you get some backup from her father or other adult male role model. There are plenty of men on the planet; you've got one daughter and this singular opportunity.

[Gretchen12]

If you can turn your phone off for an hour at the lecture, concert, church, courtroom, during a flight or attending other events, then you can turn your phone off during sex. Emergency? No one lives that way.

[Maddie82]

I feel rather conflicted with this one. I mean, yes he should understand that you have a child and that she is your priority, but I'm sensing that she call's you whenever she knows you are alone with your boyfriend as a way of disrupting you. This would explain his frustration. Does she like him? Do they get on?

[elaine567]

I guess the daughter called three times as it went unanswered the first two times.

The OP couldn't ignore that, she is just a kid, anything could have gone wrong.

Don't date parents if you do not want to deal with their kids.

 

OK it happened during sex, but hardly a big deal really, nothing to get into a hissy fit about.

Sex can be resumed, normal horny people will not let a bit of an interruption get in the way.

BUT there is a lot more going on here.

On reading a smattering of your other threads, use this as an excuse to end it for good.

[basil67]

I guess the daughter called three times as it went unanswered the first two times.

The OP couldn't ignore that, she is just a kid, anything could have gone wrong.

 

Context is important. Kid out at 10pm calls three times in a row - definitely answer it. Calls three times in a row from school - it's not urgent.

[introverted1]

I'm a parent. My kids are all grown up now, but when they were teens they knew that 3 calls in a row would signal an emergency. And there is no way they'd call 3 times in a row for a non-emergency.

 

 

So yes, your bf sounds a little unreasonable since it could have been an emergency.

 

 

But your daughter sounds even more unreasonable, calling 3 times when there wasn't an emergency.

 

 

And it sounds like you have not established good boundaries with your daughter. Yes, parenting is important and kids come first, but that doesn't mean mom isn't allowed to have her own time, whether that's lunch with friends or sex with her bf. Of course, your daughter doesn't need to know the details of what you are doing but, at 14, she can and should understand that you are entitled to have your own friends and interests and that she should respect that time, barring an actual emergency.

[Mrin]

Dad here. Yes he's being unreasonable. Three times is an automatic stop everything and pick up the phone. If it isn't an emergency then you talk to your daughter about crying wolf.

 

The real issue isn't that he was butt hurt about it. It is how he reacted. No understanding. No compassion. Just annoyance. Not the type of person I'd want in my life - children or no.

[lurker74]

Also a dad here. But the context is critical. I tell anyone I date who has kids that, if one calls while we're together, take the call. I am a parent and understand that parenting doesn't always fit into neat time slots. So on it's face, it seems unreasonable of him given that you presumably ignored the first two calls.

 

Now, having said that, if you are having boundary issues with your daughter, I could definitely see it being an issue. I dated a woman once who's 18 year old daughter (whom I met and adored) would often interrupt. If I were talking on the phone to her mother, she would talk directly to her mother, interrupting our conversation. When I was at her place, she would conspicuously walk into rooms when we were together (we weren't doing anything but it was still the feel of being a teenager and having your mom chaperone the basement). It culminated during a romantic evening at a hotel when the daughter called at midnight, saying that she needed to go to ER because of her eye. When we left the hotel and got to her at the ER, she was treated with OTC eye drops, something that could easily have waited until the morning...or been treated by her own medicine cabinet or a damp washcloth.

 

This woman had failed to set appropriate boundaries with her daughter and even though her daughter really liked me, her mother let her and maybe through inaction encouraged her to interfere with our relationship. Only you, OP, know the context. The fact that you're here asking if you were wrong may be a clue that you understand that context.

[smackie9]

Well it depends. If the kid is calling because they want permission to go to the mall with their friends, then I don't blame him one bit. If the the house is on fire, then ya it's a no brainer.

 

It's funny how the OP hasn't mentioned the reason why her daughter was in a panic. So was it an emergency or not? I suspect it wasn't because she was ready to start having sex again.....so I'm on his side.

[Lotsgoingon]

Well, if you've got a daughter who is this needy and who calls three times when it's really not an emergency (I assume it wasn't) ... then what you want to do is early on proclaim this dynamic to whoever you're dating.

 

Basically be upfront about having a kid you're worried about and who will call anytime. If you did not set this up (announce this) to this guy early, I think his reaction is quite understandable. I would get tired of someone doing this.

 

BTW: "transition" plays a huge role here. Did you gently transition to answering the call. Did you maintain emotional and physical contact (like gentling touching him or rubbing his leg) with your bf as you decided to answer the call? Or did you just go suddenly cold, change your focus and answer the call?

[carhill]

So, if the daughter's call didn't have a distinctive ring that would immediately identify it, would the call have been answered? The daughter's number does have a distinctive ring, right?

 

 

Has daughter been taught to dial 911 for an emergency? At 14 that seems pretty normal. We didn't have cell phones back in the day but I was taught to seek out an adult and get the cops involved if something was seriously wrong. At 14 some of us were already driving and most had firearms training and were pretty independent. Of course we were boys. I understand it's different for girls and this isn't the 1960's. Back then, adult private time was respected or, if not, go select the branch off the tree one wants to get whipped with. That was reality. Fortunately, my parents 'dated' for life and I wasn't attention sucking one to manipulate the other. They were pretty brutal about that kind of stuff. I didn't like them much but did respect them. Like came later

[stillafool]

In my opinion you weren't wrong to answer the call from your kid especially if they called you 3 times in a row. Your kid comes first no matter what. This is why some guys don't like to date single moms. If he can't handle kids coming first he shouldn't date single moms.

[salparadise]

I'm a parent. My kids are all grown up now, but when they were teens they knew that 3 calls in a row would signal an emergency. And there is no way they'd call 3 times in a row for a non-emergency.

 

I remember OP's previous thread, and it has plenty of context. The daughter has rather extreme dependency issues, most of which have probably been learned and reinforced over time. Read the thread.

 

Introverted is right; three calls in a row is generally understood to be an emergency situation, and if the daughter had been taught that three rings in a row for a non-emergency would have consequences she probably wouldn't have done that. Normally there would be an understanding that when mom (or dad) is out on a date they are not to call even once unless it's absolutely necessary.

 

I went out a few times with a woman who had a high school kid, probably 16, who would call when we were out, and she'd answer every time... well, I took her to a pretty nice restaurant with live music one Saturday night. She got a call from her kid while we were eating and answered it at the table. He was obviously asking when she'd be home (it was early and I intended to stay for the music) and she told him she'd be there in a half hour! So she needed to get home soon because her 16 year old boy was lonely for his mama... and of course she let me pay the expensive check too.

 

That was the last time she heard from me. It's hard enough dating a single parent with well behaved kids and good boundaries, but when they have an enmeshed relationship and the kid is allowed to manipulate everything –– it becomes impossible.

 

So in this situation I'm sure the boyfriend fully grasps that it is not a normal mother-child relationship, and my guess is that the daughter stays right in the middle all the time. That's what they do when there are no boundaries. If it were me, not only would I not overlook this one instance, I'd be done with it altogether. But then I've learned my lessons the hard way by being married two decades to a woman with questionable EQ. Perhaps the boyfriend is just now figuring sh*t out.

[kendahke]

I dare say there is more to this story than you're letting on.

 

That was rather a "sledgehammer to kill a gnat" approach on his part going strictly by what you wrote, but is the truth closer to your daughter is having a problem with you and your sexual relationship with him and she knows good and well what you two are up to, and it bothers her to no end, so in order to break your fun up, she phones you and knows you'll pick up the phone?

 

If this is the second time she's done this, then it's time for you to sit down with her and ask her if she's got a problem with you and him having sex--she's at the age where all of that is confusing and disgusting and she has no point of reference for it.

 

3 calls over nothing? That's crying "wolf"...

Edited September 3, 2019 by kendahke

[Highndry]

I don't blame the guy. That's extremely annoying.

[preraph]

Well, you answered your own question the last line of your original post. Your child was bugging you for no good reason, only to ask a question and didn't have the respect to just leave a message and wait until you replied. Don't you think that would be irritating to most anyone? Did you really think it was some dire emergency? Wouldn't she have left a message or put something emergency like in a text? She was just demanding your attention and didn't care what it interrupted. Or maybe she even knew you were with him or suspected it and wanted to interrupt. She's 14, old enough to know phone etiquette and have manners.