Mixed messages

[rg88]

Hey everyone looking for some advice from your good selves regarding a girl that I had recently been dating up until about 6 weeks ago. We had dated for around 4 months which had started off very hot and heavy we had alot in common with each other and she seemed to tick alot of the boxes.

 

However the issues started to creep in and it became apparently clear that this girl had alot of insecurity issues and hang ups with her out look on things. This manifested itself in behaviours of needing constant reassurrance (via text), frequently stating that she never knew how I felt about her and using statement such as "if you liked me then you would be doing etc etc". She also seemed to have alot of drama attatched in family/friends/work life and would frequently complain. Eventually this all took its toll and we had three significant arguements two of which we had allegedly resolved and the third which finally ended the relationship and we agreed to go our separate ways. These "resolves" were themselves challenging due to the fact that this girl seemed to find it impossible to speak out in person and what would tend to happen is that she would agree initially before getting home and sending me a barrage of texts of her true feelings on the situation.

 

To cut a long story short which had not spoken for about a month and I had seen her out in public and walked directly passed her but she appeared caught up in talking to someone so I did not intrude. The next day I had felt compelled to message her as I wanted to clarify that I had passed her and if she had seen me also I did not want to come across as rude or aloof. She replied instantly saying that she had not seen me and from that point we chit chatted back and forth till eventually she became very hot and heavy stating "not sure why you have messaged me, you had made it pretty clear before you didnt want to speak to me again", I explained that had not been the case and I had felt compelled due to the affore mentioned reasons.

 

We spoke for the next couple of days before she started to demand reasons for why I believe the relationship had failed, I replied to her saying that I thought it was impractical to anaylse everything as it had already been done and had put the offer out there to meet up have a drink/laugh and be amicable. She left me hanging for almost a day before replying saying that she had thought about it but believed that she felt things would never be any different and to leave things as they are. She also went onto say that she believed we were "looking for different things" and "would not find what we wanted in each other". This was a sentiment that I disagreed with but I respectfully accepted her answer and never contacted her again.

 

Fast forward about a week where I then recieve a snapchat from her with a picture of tour dates for a band that her and I both like. She had circled one of the dates and headed it with the caption "yesssss". Imagine my surprise when I had seen this as I genuinely believed I was never going to hear from her again, I asked her why she had sent this to me and she replied that she had set the image as her story and then had selected to send it to everyone in her contacts list. From my understanding this is not a feature that the app supports and it all seemed a bit too convienient to have just been accidental. I replied to be polite and just said "Fair enough enjoy they are awesome live" as I had seen this particular band before on two occasions. She once again replied with "yes its going to be siiccckkkk". I replied once more and said to "make sure you get involved with the crowd" (in regards to the chaos that often ensues at these gigs) she viewed the message and now has chosen not to reply. This has left me bewildered and confused.

I was wondering if I could get some opinions on what this all means? Is she messing me around and what should I do? I cant understand why someone a week ago would say that they did not want anything more to do with you before "accidentally" sending a snapchat message, seems all a bit too convienient to me. Its a tough one as I'm still not over this girl completely....

Edited September 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed spacing

[Watercolors]

I was wondering if I could get some opinions on what this all means? Is she messing me around and what should I do? I cant understand why someone a week ago would say that they did not want anything more to do with you before "accidentally" sending a snapchat message, seems all a bit too convienient to me. Its a tough one as I'm still not over this girl completely....

 

She is definitely emotionally manipulating you. First, with her "If/then" statements (trying to enforce conditional behavior from you to follow, for the reward of being with her if you do what she says), then, by not deleting you from her social media accounts, so that you can still see her stories (she's trying to push/pull you into re-engaging w/her on *her* terms only).

 

Don't fall into these interpersonal traps. Your ex lacks object constancy -- the ability to keep positive feelings about someone while also being annoyed, disappointed, or angry.

 

Manipulative people are like magicians with smoke and mirrors -- they will accuse you of things they have actually done themselves; they will make up things that never happened, a small lie here, a bigger like there; it's all a game to the manipulator.

 

She is trying to keep you emotionally hooked on her with her crazy behavior on social media etc. Learn to see through. But don't look past it. You need to have higher self esteem and recognize when a woman is emotionally manipulating you as she has done to you. She cant even talk to you in person, but relies on text messaging you instead.

 

Ask yourself, "Is this the type of woman I deserve to be with? Someone who shuts down in person, who is more comfy behind a screen?" If the answer is no, then block her from all of your social media, block her cell phone number, and give yourself some time to reset and recover from the 4 months you dated her.

 

She sounds like she has a lot of problems with communication. That is a huge red flag to me -- that you can't have a reasonable conversation in person with her about anything. That she makes you wait until she goes home, where she then barrages you with hundreds of text messages. That is totally manipulative behavior. Don't allow that to happen anymore with her, or anyone you date in the future.

 

Have you two broken up? Stop replying to her messages, which are just 'bait' to try to engage you in one-sided conversations. By one-sided, I mean, she wants you to message her, so she can ignore your messages to make herself feel better. It's all very immature game playing on her part.

 

Just be done with her already. She's not a healthy person.

[Downtown]

this girl had alot of insecurity issues and hang ups with her out look on things.

RG. your exGF's anger issues may be due to her having weak control over her own emotions (i.e., a lack of coping skills that most people acquire in childhood). If that is an issue, however, you should have been seeing 4 other warning signs.

 

The first is a strong abandonment fear. I therefore ask whether, a few months into your relationship, she started showing strong jealousy over harmless events -- or tried to isolate you away from close friends and family members? She would view your spending time with friends/family as your choosing THEM over HER.

 

Second, you would be seeing her rely heavily on black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" ("with me") or "all bad" ("against me") and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction. Because she also uses B-W thinking in judging HERSELF, she would rarely acknowledge making a mistake or having a flaw.

 

Doing so would imply, in her mind, she is "all bad." She thus would blame nearly all misfortunes/mistakes on you and view herself as "The Victim." Moreover, this B-W thinking also would be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you ALWAYS..." and "you NEVER...."

 

Third, you would not see her expressing her anger to total strangers (e.g., road rage against strangers). Rather, the outbursts and temper tantrums almost exclusively would be expressed against a close loved one (i.e., against YOU or her parents).

 

Fourth, you often would see her flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're oftentimes walking on eggshells. Such flips would occur in 10 seconds in response to some minor thing you say or do. Have you been seeing all 4 of these red flags?

[Imara]

Hi all,

 

My ex boyfriend and I committed as a friend, and last week I decided to stop communicate with him because I want to focus in my life. We talked about it and at our last conversation he said maybe our story isn’t finished. I am here if you want. Why he said so, I clearly said I don’t wanna have any connection with him again. Thanks

[Lotsgoingon]

I was wondering if I could get some opinions on what this all means? Is she messing me around and what should I do? I cant understand why someone a week ago would say that they did not want anything more to do with you before "accidentally" sending a snapchat message, seems all a bit too convienient to me. Its a tough one as I'm still not over this girl completely....

 

Who cares why she sent you the concert note? The bottom line is she is incapable of being a healthy, satisfying partner to you.

 

What does this all mean? It means nothing. Other than you were really foolish to send her a text after walking past her. You have the right to walk past people ... and she didn't contact you to complain ... so why did you think it was your duty to contact her? That was a night to come home and feel relief that she did NOT see you! Instead, you took a high dive right back into this mess of a dysfunctional relationship by contacting her and "apologizing" for not speaking to her.

 

Sounds like your heart, despite your suffering, isn't ready to let her go. So you might need to experience more pain and confusion before you accept that this woman is not a good partner for you.

 

See if you can get more clear in your head that this woman is not a good partner for you. The heart will follow.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think there's much to go on here.

 

She declined your offer to meet for a drink. She told you are looking for different things. Yes, she sent a snap but then didn't keep the conversation going. Perhaps she was bored and seeking some attention. But I don't see much interest on her end otherwise.

 

You two had some incompatibilities so I would remember that when you're trying to work out what she's thinking. It doesn't sound like this relationship had legs.

[rg88]

Hi Watercolors thank you ever so much for this reply its really made me feel an awful lot better and that I'm not going completely crazy or that I had been bad the biggest perpetrator too the relationship failing. Don't get me wrong I am a humble guy and I have no qualms with admitting my mistakes or failures its just that I had been made to feel so bad about everything I have been questioning my sanity. Particularly as when I had last spoke to her properly she had framed it as "we wouldnt find what we wanted in each other", I felt was a harsh statement and devaluing me as a person.

 

 

 

Could you just clarify what exactly you meant by object constancy? Its not a concept I am familiar with. I totally agree with you though these behaviours are not healthy and on reflection genuinely believe that this girl needs some form on counselling, meant in the most respectful. Another bizarre trait I had picked up on during our time together was when she remarked to me that she "did not do phonecalls". When I asked what she meant by this she stated that "she just did not do them" and I playfully suggested to her that I would ring from now on she said to my surprise "if you do that we'll never speak again as you'll never hear from me". I think this ties in particular well with the point you made about enforcing conditional behaviour on her terms although I had not seen it like that at the time.

 

 

 

To offer one more example of her unpredictable behaviour I had attended a friends wedding which had involved staying over night to camp. This had been the first time in a few months I had been able to go out and enjoy myself as I am a shift worker in the emergency services so relished the thought of a fun evening with friends to unwind. The evening was perfect and I had a great time which is exactly what I needed. I had not messaged her during the evenign simply because I was out having fun it was not meant to offend. Imagine my surprise once again when I spoke to her the next morning with another barrage of texts unimpressed that I had not messaged her during the evening as she knew I had been "online" (whatsapp) and once again "if had been thinking of her and cared I would have picked the phone up and messaged her". I genuinely gobsmacked by this at the time as I had never encountered anything like it.

 

 

 

Yeah we have officially from what I understood had gone our separate ways from what she had said so was competely thrown back by the fact I had recieved this snapchat.

[preraph]

So she knew you were going camping with friends, but she thought you were going to spend your time messaging her? Listen, there is nothing more annoying than being with old friends you haven't seen for awhile having a special time, and then those friends seeing someone ruining it for you by being jealous and clingy and distrustful. I've seen it many times with old girlfriends. Men trying to make it so miserable for them to be out with a girlfriend the one time she's in town for the year that they eventually just isolate them from friends. That is one of the hallmarks of abuse.

 

It should be all you need to do on such occasion to, before leaving, say, "I'll be comping with friends I rarely get to catch up with, so don't expect a text. I'll let you know as soon as I'm home."

[Watercolors]

Hi rg88, what I mean by "object constancy" is that it's a cognitive skill (so we're speaking in psychological terms now) that your ex doesn't possess. Think of it as a marker for how stable a person is emotionally. Which your ex clearly isn't.

 

I mean, she wouldn't even let you enjoy a weekend away from her. She exhibited clingy, insecure, jealous behavior and created drama from nothing. Why? She doesn't necessarily need a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder here, but clearly she has some control issues that she projects on to the men she dates. Maybe even to her friends, family, and well, everyone.

 

It was a mistake for you to text her after you walked past her at that concert, I think. You'll never be able to extricate yourself from her if you allow her to communicate with you on those social media platforms. I understand if you still have lingering feelings for her. That's natural. But it sounds like she's not a good partner for you, as the posters Lotsgoingon and preraph pointed out.

 

A good partner doesn't accuse their partner of anything, just because they go away for the weekend with friends. A good partner doesn't set conditions "If/then" with their partner. A good partner doesn't instill doubt in their partner, by constantly barraging them with manipulative texts.

 

When she told you she wouldn't answer the phone if you called her. That should have been your cue to walk away and never look back. Honestly, who says that to someone?

 

You really deserve better from a romantic partner. Someone who is far more emotionally mature and less controlling and manipulative.

[rg88]

Downtown- Its really interesting that you mention these behaviour as I believe at least on a few occasions. In reply to about the abandoment fear as well as the story of the wedding that I had already mentioned there had been occasion where I had been travelling home to see family midweek and had not yet decided whether or not I would be staying the weekend. She had messaged me (shock) to let her know whether or not I would be back at the weekend as she would make other plans if I wouldnt be back. I explained that I would let her know asap as it was a 3 hour drive back home to whether my family live and once I knew i would inform her. In approximately 3 hours she had sent the text request 4 times to let her know what I would be doing. At this point I had pulled over into a service station to have a break from driving and was again bewildered to see this, I replied that I would let her know and she did not need to keeping repeating herself. At this she BLEW UP accusing me of being rude and that she had only asked a simple question. When I tried to explain that this was nothing personal and was tine was being misinterpreted over text she would not listen and at this point we decided to go our separate ways.

 

 

 

The third point as well is extremely pertinent I feel as I believe this was a behaviour I had observed from her and lost alot of respect. She would frequently complain about her colleagues/run down her friends who I had not even met and view oppurtunities such as further education or development which had been offered to her at work as inconvenience.

 

 

The fourth point as well as I had found myself having to watch what I said around her in order not to walk on egg shells. An example of this was when she on more than one occasion had spoke of her annoyance of me talking about my work which is a big part of my life as I often work 12 hour days. I had objected to her saying this at the time because I had conciously made an effort not to, something I should not have done in hindsight. The irony is she would also talk at great length about her work and in the beginning had remarked to me that she felt I must be excellent at my job and would feel extremely safe if I for whatever were called out to her. But yeah the sentiment remains I was definitely finding myself walking on egg shells and she had exhibited behaviour of adoring and devaluing me.

 

 

 

Lotsgoingon you're absolutely right and that is something I have rued ever since doing as at the time I had alot going on (I had recently spent a week in hospital due to a significant injury meaning I had to take time off work and finding myself isolated from family). I guess I was weak in the moment and still had enough feeling and decency to message her I know it was a mistake believe me. I am slowly but srely however getting over her and realising by putting this out there to you guys just how bad she is for me and unhealthy her beahviour is. I just feel extremely sorry for the next guy who has to find this out. I think my question is really why would anyone go out of their way say they aren't interested to clearly make contact again?

 

 

Preraph-Exactly that and obviously why I was so shocked at her behaviour as I had every intention of getting back to her as clearly I liked her. She would often go out for drinks with friends to and not once would I ever make her feel bad about doing so I respected the space each other needed and that in turn worked to make me want to see her more when it was time. I think you're absolutely right as well when you say about eventually this would have isolated me from friends and believe this had already started to develop as mentioned above.

Edited September 1, 2019 by rg88

[Downtown]

RG, the four behaviors described above are red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Instead, I'm suggesting you consider whether she may be exhibiting a strong pattern of BPD symptoms (i.e., may be a "pwBPD").

 

I was definitely finding myself walking on egg shells.

Your "walking on eggshells" is an enbabling behavior that was harmful to both of you. It harmed you because, by not behaving like your true self, you were starting to lose touch with the man you truly are. It was harmful to her because, by allowing her to behave like a spoiled child and get away with it, you were destroying her opportunities to confront her issues and learn how to manage them.

 

This is why it is important she be allowed to suffer the logical consequences of her own bad behavior and bad choices. And this is why the best-selling BPD book (published in 8 languages and targeted to the abused partners) is titled, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

If your exGF actually is a pwBPD, she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there.

 

This is why a pwBPD can burst into a rage in only ten seconds. Moreover, pwBPD have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

She had exhibited behaviour of adoring and devaluing me.

As Watercolors explained so well above, you're describing a woman who is so emotionally immature that she lacks "object constancy" -- i.e., is unable to realize that you have essentially the same personality and same feelings about her from day to day. Instead, she perceives you as either "all good" or "all bad."

 

If your exGF is a pwBPD, that unstable behavior is to be expected. She is capable of loving you very intensely but it is the very immature type of love you see in young children. This means she will occasionally flip -- in only ten seconds -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing or hating you). And a few hours or days later, she can flip back again just as quickly. These rapid flips arise from a childish behavior called "black-white thinking."

 

Like a young child, a pwBPD is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). This means she has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships.

 

She thus will subconsciously split off the conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of her conscious mind. With young children, this "splitting" is evident when the child will adore Daddy while he's bringing out the toys but, in only ten seconds, will flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away.

 

Importantly, this behavior does not mean that the child has stopped loving Daddy. Rather, it means that her conscious mind is temporarily out of touch with those loving feelings.

 

Similarly, a pwBPD will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" ("with me") or "all bad" ("against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action.

 

This B-W thinking also will be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because her close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have any really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away) even though she may have many casual friends.

 

I had been made to feel so bad about everything I have been questioning my sanity.

 

RG, if you were dating a pwBPD, it is not surprising you were questioning your own sanity. A large share of the abused partners in BPD relationships start to feel like they may be going crazy. Because a pwBPD typically is convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of her mouth is absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. Therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the pwBPD themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore her to that wonderful sweet woman you saw at the very beginning.

 

She would also talk at great length about her work.

The vast majority of pwBPD are "high functioning" -- i.e., they typically hold jobs and generally get along okay with coworkers, clients, casual friends, and total strangers. None of those people is able to trigger the BPDer's fears of abandonment and engulfment.

 

There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to trigger the suffocating feeling of engulfment. Granted, she may complain to you about her coworkers but she likely did not reveal her dark side to them. As noted above, those folks don't pose a threat to her two big fears.

 

Hence, with most pwBPD, the strong BPD symptoms usually appear only when someone makes the mistake of drawing very close to the pwBPD. This is why it is common for high functioning pwBPD to excel in very difficult jobs such as being a social worker, nurse, teacher, surgeon, actor, or salesman. And this is why most pwBPD can be considerate and friendly all day long to complete strangers -- but will go home at night to abuse the very people who love them.

 

I'm still not over this girl completely.

A pwBPD usually is very easy to fall in love with -- and very painful to walk away from. A pwBPD typically exhibits the warmth, spontaneity, vulnerability, and purity of expressions that otherwise are seen only in young children.

 

As any parent can tell you, young children are VERY EASY to fall in love with. It thus is not surprising that two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

 

Indeed, it is this childlike behavior that makes most pwBPD very hard to walk away from. Because you are essentially in a parent/child relationship, leaving is so painful because it feels like you're abandoning a young child who -- despite her frequent temper tantrums -- must dearly love and need you.

 

Hence, if you ever feel tempted to reconcile with her, it would be wise to immediately see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you're dealing with.

 

Of course, learning to spot BPD warning signs will not enable you to diagnose her issues by yourself. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to constitute a full-blown disorder.

 

Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., remaining in a toxic relationship or running into the arms of another woman just like her. Learning the red flags also can help you decide when professional guidance is needed.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so and you have questions, RG, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

Edited September 1, 2019 by Downtown

[smackie9]

She has abandonment issues most likely started from her childhood, which in time will eventually resolve itself with time, age, maturity, and experience. It is what it is.

 

 

You need to own it, you started all this. You poked the bear, and got her wondering why you made contact. You should be asking yourself what the hell were you thinking. She's assuming this/ you are assuming that, and it gets all complicated needlessly.

 

My advice...pu-leeeeze let her go! Just stop this. Block her from all social media, and lose her number which was something you should have done in the first place.

[Watercolors]

She has abandonment issues most likely started from her childhood, which in time will eventually resolve itself with time, age, maturity, and experience. It is what it is.

 

 

You need to own it, you started all this. You poked the bear, and got her wondering why you made contact. You should be asking yourself what the hell were you thinking. She's assuming this/ you are assuming that, and it gets all complicated needlessly.

 

My advice...pu-leeeeze let her go! Just stop this. Block her from all social media, and lose her number which was something you should have done in the first place.

 

Ah be nice smackey. He probably still had lingering feelings for her despite how messed up she is. He made a mistake reaching out to her when he walked past her. He's never denied his part on all of this anyway. Mistakes. You've made them. We all have. It happens. Give the guy a break. He's doing the best he can.

 

I like Downtown's analysis. He's definitely made the case for borderline personality disorder for rg88's ex-g/f. She fits all the DSM V criteria actually for it.

[Gretchen12]

I agree with the posters above about her issues. As for you, I think you are vulnerable to getting involved with her type. At this point, you are more invested than she is. I don't think she's calculating her moves and playing games. I think she has discarded you, she doesn't care, and that's why she can just contact you on and off as if you're friends/acquaintances. When she said you were incompatible, believe her, she knows how bad she can get in a relationship.

[rg88]

Guys can I just take a moment to thank everyone for their replies this has been invaluable to me and unless I had reached out think that I would have been tearing my hair out for an indefinite amount of time trying to fathom this all out.

 

 

 

Downtown-"This is why it is important she be allowed to suffer the logical consequences"

 

 

 

And this is something that I had actually witnessed on one occasion in regards to the wedding incident. I had somehow managed to convey the message to her this was not accepable behaviour and found her in this moment becoming extremely apologetic. I did appreciate this however at the same time this also became suffocating as I had requested her to give me sometime to think things over. She however could not respect this boundary and I still found myself influxed by her text messages with apologising and requesting that I let her know immediately what I had decided to do in regards to the relationship. Foolishly once again I had given myself the benefit of the doubt and let her back in.

 

 

 

"Object constancy" this topic is fascinating to me and I think really hits the nail on the head of what I was really dealing with here. I know that her parents had split whilst she was at a young but I did not ask precise details as I felt this was not my business and obviously I wanted to bring up whilst in the midst of dating. I was definitely made to feel as if she valued me at times and also that I was the worst thing going on in her life and creating her drama and hassle which was not the case. My thoughts were that we were actually progressing at a good rate and if things had been all good would have seen myself being with her in the future.

 

 

 

"The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong" This is also a behaviour that I definitely found myself doing in the relationship and I think is something I try to do intuitively. I find myself trying to take on other people issues and "fix" them instead of realising that it is not job in this life to figure out other people especially in prospective and romantic partner.

 

 

"This is why it is common for high functioning pwBPD to excel in very difficult jobs" As correctly listed there she was in fact a nurse of relatively little experience who had been gifted with oppurtunities of development and leadership programs however this quickly became what I percieve as an inconvenience to her as she would repeatedly moan that she did not want to do her job anymore but at the same time would not give it up. Interestingly she would remark that the best occupation she ever held was working in a supermarket on a checkout which I have full respect for but seemed a shame when she had already committed herself to so much training to a career and becoming a nurse in the first place.

 

 

 

"BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds" This is also something I find fascinating and have found resonance with. As mentioned before I think I adopted this "fixer" attitude which links into your next point of assmuming this "parent" relationship as I had not really wanted to walk away from her and wanted her to see that I was good a person and could be there to support her.

 

 

"Hence, if you ever feel tempted to reconcile with her" At this stage I think reconciliation is completely out of the questions furstly as she had alleged stated this was not a possibility but also I think this thread has given me so much insight and perspective that I have really learnt an awful lot. This is clearly has alot of issues which I dont believe any romantic partner will be able to resolve for her. I dont doubt she will find alot of interest from men she is a very pretty but I think the baggage carried is too heavy and unfortunately will have a negative impact on all her future relationships.

 

 

To put icing on the cake I recently found her on dating app with this as her bio "Now taking application for temporary post: Winter boyfriend with possibility of extension based on performance. Apply within". When I first read this I was absolutely fuming as I had felt played all along but I think it really says everything about outlook.

[smackie9]

Hey sometimes you need to put the onus on the OP to clear up the confusion because they have gotten you and everyone else so focused on the behavior of the other party. It was him that started all this. Plus we are only getting his perspective. I know posters withhold information and tinker things a bit to get the story interpreted their way to get the results they seek.

 

I think this girl acted out because she got butt hurt over the breakup, him contacting her pissed her off even more, so she did a little revenge messaging to seek out a response or to mess with him. It's kids stuff, immaturity nothing more.

[smackie9]

OP why oh why are you stalking her activity. Can't you see it? She knows you are going to be looking at hers%^$ on line...you are letting her win as she plants these seeds in your head....you getting all owly. Just stop.

[rg88]

Smackie9-You're absolutely right I fully hold my hands up to having made a mistake contacting her. This was poor judgement on my part and trust me I wish I hadn't and I fully own that.

 

 

 

The thing is I had blocked/deleted her from social media and her number it had all gone. Now I know this might sound like a pie in the sky excuse but I genuinely believe there had been some sort of glitch because I cannot fathom how she managed to send the message hence my surprise. I would be interested smackie9 to why people would go out of their way to confuse like this?

 

 

 

Watercolours-Absolutely and I admit that also that I had some lingering feelings for and in a moment of weakness i reached out. It was what it was trust I'll never put myself through that again but this is why life is about learning from your mistakes. I genuinely feel alot better about all this having thrown this out into the public domain it feels as if I have a weight lifted off my chest and I am no longer saddened or down from the fact that she has decided to not reply. She has done the right in my eyes but for her own complete and utterly warped reasons.

 

 

 

Gretchen-What would believe predisposes me to getting involved with characters like this? Sincere question I'm trying everyday to develop myself emotionally. Ok so you do then believe it was a accidental this is one thing I don't agree with I dont beleive that for a second in fact. I would know exactly who I was sending these messages to so for whatever reason has been done in a way to provoke a reaction. But I do agree with your last point we are completely incompatible I cannot be that person to provide constant reassurance at any given time or date and completely neglect myself. Trust me I would do my absolute best for anyone I was romantically involved with to support however I can be someones emotional crutch for issues they have deep seated within themselves.

[rg88]

Smackie9-Totally get what you're saying my friend but at no point had I been stalking her social media. I had acknowledged what she had said before and respected her wishes. Not entirely sure what the term owly means?

[smackie9]

owly is getting crazy upset.

 

 

 

Dude who cares if her behavior will ruin future relationships...that's her problem and it's no longer any of your business what she does...even that OLD profile...so what if she put that down looking for a winter BF...and why would you even want to "hear" about that. You know you can have full control of this...and that is to , like I have already said twice already, to let.... it.... go. Tell people not to talk about her or tell you what she is doing, etc. Give them the hand if you have to.

[Watercolors]

But I do agree with your last point we are completely incompatible I cannot be that person to provide constant reassurance at any given time or date and completely neglect myself. Trust me I would do my absolute best for anyone I was romantically involved with to support however I can be someones emotional crutch for issues they have deep seated within themselves.

 

Exactly. She used you as her emotional crutch because she was insecure and clingy, esp. on that 3 hour drive you had constantly texting you demanding that you respond. That was just childish behavior on her part to do that to you. I mean, you had a 3 hour drive! What did she expect? That you'd stop every 4 miles to text her back?!

 

Yes, you would do best to avoid clingy, emotionally needy women like this woman. It is not your job to provide constant reassurance at any given date or time and completely neglect yourself and your life. That's not a balanced relationship, which is definitely what you experienced with this woman.

 

Since you are an EMT, you have a naturally empathic personality and care about people. So, I could see how you attract self absorbed women to you, who take advantage of your caregiving, kind, thoughtful nature.

 

I think relationships are also about having strong boundaries with each other. If someone tries to take advantage of your good nature, that's a boundary invasion. Don't let them do it. When you went on the 3 hour road trip home, a NORMAL response from a girlfriend would have been, "Have a safe drive. Text me when you get home." And left you alone until you had time to text her.

 

I dated a guy who professionally cycled and went on a 2 weeks cycle trip. He told me before he left that he'd text from the road when he could. Not once did i sent him a barrage of texts demanding to hear from him. I just let him text me and I responded when he texted. That's because I respected him and gave him space and was secure enough to leave him alone and wait to hear from him.

[smackie9]

I agree....don't cave into such behavior because she's so pretty and you like her....you have to think about your own well being. Don't let anyone treat you like they can push you around. Healthy boundaries are key.

[rg88]

Smackie9-Dude I know you what you're saying and I appreciate how straight up you're being but I can't help how I feel hence why I came looking for some guidance. I appreciate I overthink things but that is unapologetically just the way am.

[Downtown]

I wanted her to see that I was good a person and could be there to support her.

RG, that was never possible for any extended period. If she is a pwBPD, whatever you do likely will be wrong much of the time. She will perceive you as being wrong if you DO and wrong if you DON'T.

 

This conundrum is due to the position of her two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- being at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you often find yourself in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Your predicament is that the solution to calming her abandonment fear (drawing close and being intimate) is the very action that triggers her engulfment fear. Likewise, the solution to calming her engulfment fear (moving back away to give her breathing space) is the very action that triggers her abandonment fear.

 

Hence, as you move close to comfort her and assure her of your love, you eventually will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear.

 

In my 15 years of experience with my BPD exW, I found that there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears. Until a pwBPD learns how to better regulate her own emotions and tame her two fears, that Goldilocks position will not exist. This is why a relationship with an untreated pwBPD typically is characterized by a repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back.

 

Indeed, even if you are sitting perfectly still and not saying a word, a pwBPD who is experiencing hurtful feelings will project those feelings onto YOU. Her subconscious does this to protect her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality -- and to externalize the pain, getting it outside her body. Because that projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she will consciously be convinced that the painful feeling or hurtful thought is coming from YOU.

 

Hence, as long as you remain in a R/S with an untreated pwBPD, you frequently will find yourself hurting her -- i.e., triggering her engulfment fear as you draw near, triggering her abandonment fear as you draw back, and triggering her anger even when you are sitting still in a room saying absolutely nothing.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I get feeling insecure in a relationship, but she has gone way too far. I dated a guy like this for less then a month and that really drained me. Nothing I did was enough. There were days where we spent 9+ hours together only for him to get upset that I didn't want to be on the phone w/him. He tried to manipulate me. Although he had mental issues, he tried pinning his episodes on me (I need to take meds for my bi polar disorder because you stress me out). Emotionally manipulative people are out for themselves and use you to feel better. Block and avoid!