Have I been used by this girl?

[LeojDon]

Someone else basically said it earlier, but if I was on a date with someone whether is was 3 hours or 8 hours, for her to bail on you and hang out with someone else after without a plan, is completely sketchy and wrong.

 

 

If she was like, "Hey, my friend called, I didn't know we would go this long so I made plans after..." that is probably acceptable. But to say her friend needing rescuing on the dance floor or whatever, let's face it...that entails her walking up to her friend and saying, "Hey friend, I need to go" and then grabbing her friends arm and walking away and coming back to you.

 

 

Like I said, nothing wrong with it, you had a good first date but this girl is not date material. Sometimes you both have fun on a date and that's all it is. That's why you don't need to think about getting excited at all until after date #2 or 3. You really know nothing about them yet and interest is easily mistaken until after a couple of dates.

 

Yeah i completely agree with you. I'm new to the dating scene so having a first date that lasted that long with so much connection both mentally and physcially really raised my expectations and increased my excitement so high when I probably needed to stay level-headed.

 

I don't regret it as I've learnt a lot from this experience, I got easily blinded by her physical attractiveness but if it was ever going to be anything, it would be anything but a relationship when she can't prioritise a date over her friends. It's really played so highly on my mind, totally eclipsing my 3 month trip in a few days

[frus69]

It's got absolutely nothing to do with "do something with him", I was expecting nothing in return except some decency with the way it went about! I wasn't her leaving quite prematurely that I was annoyed with, it was the text after seemingly rubbing it in about what she got up to later, as if our night was just a stepping stone and a bit of a time waster.

Did you ask her first " how did your night go"? Then she told you they went on for the night?

Do you think she should have lied and say she didnt have a good night? Otherwise shes "rubbing it in"? Or do you think she just shouldnt have had a good night?

 

She only saw you twice, it was just a fun date. Maybe not even a date more like a fun hang out. Why cant she continue the night somewhere else? She already spent 3 hours with you after all. Shes still just a girl you met on Tinder, not even someone you are seeing.

 

You are inexperienced and put too much expectations on someone you just met. Shes probably not super keen on you and that's fine. She could have even ghosted you, ya know?

 

I also don't agree people here say she not dating material. We don't know that yet. And you don't know her that well yet. Just because she didn't date you doesn't make her undateable. And what's wrong prioritising BFF over a stranger guy??

It's good you learned. You will experience something lot worse

Edited January 24, 2019 by frus69

[LeojDon]

Did you ask her first " how did your night go"? Then she told you they went on for the night?

Do you think she should have lied and say she didnt have a good night? Otherwise shes "rubbing it in"? Or do you think she just shouldnt have had a good night?

 

She only saw you twice, it was just a fun date. Maybe not even a date more like a fun hang out. Why cant she continue the night somewhere else? She already spent 3 hours with you after all. Shes still just a girl you met on Tinder, not even someone you are seeing.

 

You are inexperienced and put too much expectations on someone you just met. Shes probably not super keen on you and that's fine. She could have even ghosted you, ya know?

 

I also don't agree people here say she not dating material. We don't know that yet. And you don't know her that well yet. Just because she didn't date you doesn't make her undateable. And what's wrong prioritising BFF over a stranger guy??

It's good you learned. You will experience something lot worse

 

No i waited until she messaged me first after the date, and it was literally a message saying that she ended up going out her friend and these three guys to some pool table place. Maybe she just wanted to keep me updated about what happened since she left abruptly I dunno, just think she could've firstly started out wording it better with a 'Sorry i have to leave to abruptly, but was nothing to worry about and we actually ended up going out etc etc' would've made me feel less annoyed with it.

[frus69]

I think her messaging you to keep you updated is her way of saying "dont worry, everything was fine the other night". I definitely don't think she did it to rub it in your face, cuz why on earth would she want to do that?

 

If I were you I wouldnt be annoyed at all.

 

But, none of it matters because you are going away and nothing is going to happen between you guys (nor should you pin your hope on it). You had some fun dates with a hot girl, now you will have a fun trip, looks like you've got a sweet life ahead of you so no reason to be upset at all!

[Juha]

Wow, you are being so vicious here...she was not rude by anyones standard. I dont think she was rude. You can say she wasn't interested but she wasn't a load of garbage, she didn't give him crappy treatment just because she had to leave for a friend. She was polite enough to ask if she can take the call and if hes sure he is happy to take the bill, and OP said yes!

You seem to think just because a man spent some money, the woman is obliged to do something with him otherwise shes wasting his time?? This is kinda pathetic to be honest.

 

 

100% Wrong with what I said. There is no reading between the lines.

What I said is what I said, not how you take things

[Juha]

OP, you go out on dates, they dont always work out, it happens all the time and you cant say everytime it didnt work out, they used you. They also invested their time ,not just you. And maybe you spent some money, so what? Dont be that cheap and worry about a drink or two. If you really dont want then you can do a coffee date instead. Or ask the girl to pay half. But please dont think you are the only one who's investing and so the woman is obliged to return your favor. That's low.

This girl obviously isnt dreaming about having a relationship with you but can you blame her? You told her you are going away and if that was me, I'd take it as "ok he just wants sex apparently".

Move on and dont hold grudge. You have not been used.

 

Again, 100% wrong. LJD do not listen to this at all.

What and how she treated you was shabby and disrespectful.

 

None of us guys mind spending money on a date when the woman is not using you. WE do not expect sex and that is not what this thread is about at all.

 

LJD you know how you felt when she left you to go to her friend and save her by going out with her friend and the guys she needed to save her friend from.. Then threw it in your face that she was out drinking with her friend and the guys she needed saving from.

 

This girl has no class and uses guys. Respect yourself and delete this girl from your life, you see who and what she is...

[Interstellar]

She’s out. NEXT!

[Juha]

Yeah thinking back, she did mention her best friend an awful lot. Seemed like she would prioritise her over a lot of things because of their closeness.

 

Most young women put their friends above all else, they let their friends make decisions on who they date for them. Her friend obviously liked the other guys better and made her friend come with her to be with them and not you.

 

No offense but her behavior showed you she was not very interested and treated you like an atm... Best that she showed you this very early on.

[Juha]

 

You are inexperienced and put too much expectations on someone you just met. Shes probably not super keen on you and that's fine. She could have even ghosted you, ya know?

 

I also don't agree people here say she not dating material. We don't know that yet. And you don't know her that well yet. Just because she didn't date you doesn't make her undateable. And what's wrong prioritising BFF over a stranger guy??

 

LJD, this person is trying to make her poor treatment of you seem like it is your fault or ok for her to do. It is not! DO not buy into or listen what this poster is saying.

 

Yes, she is not date material as she has shown you she has no integrity at all with how she ended up leaving your date, the amount of time she spent with you is inconsequential.

[DrNo1962]

So I went on my first ever Tinder date with this girl, met her outside a cocktail bar & she was actually stunning. Conversation bounced really well, end up walking to a different cocktail bar then ended up in a nightclub.

 

In the nightclub she was reaaaally touchy, like sitting on my lap & putting her legs in between mine but was trying to tease by leaning in for a kiss then backing out (in the end she gave in and kissed me) but feel she was trying to show she wasn’t ‘easy’ which I like. She went at around 3am so we were out for a good 8 hours!

 

Here comes the 2nd date... met at a different cocktail bar, however this time I feel like she was taking my kindness for weakness. I was excited to go to this place due to its cool concept (& to see her reaction) however she’d already been so okay, fair enough. She also seemed quite coy to show her emotions and I just couldn’t figure her out. Her friend then kept ringing none stop, she picks up & her friend says I need you to help me a guys come over but I need you to help me get rid of him.

 

If it was me, I would’ve said “sorry I can’t right now” since if it wasn’t an emergency (which it wasn’t) then I’m prioritising the date. She said sorry but I need to go help her (this was 3 hours into the date) and left, I had to pick up the bill (she the did usual “are you suuure?”) & just felt a bit used and don’t feel like the effort I put in was being reciprocated.

 

I told her I was going travelling for 3 months soon and when I get back want to pick up where we left off, and she seemed absolutely fine about that. Now in texts she’s very cold with me, one line answers and just isnt as bubbly or conversational as after the first date.

 

What do you guys think?

 

 

 

 

Am I being paranoid or dramatic or am I right in thinking this?

 

I feel you've left out some missing pieces in this picture because no girl goes from overtly flirting and being physical with you to then go cold on you unless you have done something to make her lose her attraction.

 

The fact that she was teasing you in the club on your first date gives me the impression that she is a bit of a thrill seeker / high energy girl who needs arousal (flirting, banter, teasing etc.) to win her over.

 

TLDR; She's not into you. Cut your losses, learn from it and move on.

[frus69]

LJD you know how you felt when she left you to go to her friend and save her by going out with her friend and the guys she needed to save her friend from.. Then threw it in your face that she was out drinking with her friend and the guys she needed saving from.

 

.

The fact that you think her updating him about the other night's situation is "throw it in his face" makes me feel you are petty.

 

No offense but her behavior showed you she was not very interested and treated you like an atm... Best that she showed you this very early on.

 

Used him as an ATM? ok how much money are we talking about here? Or did he buy her a LV bag or something? To be honest if you want to date, dont be too cheap.

 

If I guy did that to me, I would not be slightly annoyed. I once dated a men twice. He bought me a drink for the first date and I paid for dinner the second, 10 times more expensive you can say but then he disappeared. I just shrugged and move on, no big deal. We didnt have sex, he didnt owe me explanations. He just lose interest. I didnt think "what a jerk, he used me".

[frus69]

LJD, this person is trying to make her poor treatment of you seem like it is your fault or ok for her to do. It is not! DO not buy into or listen what this poster is saying.

 

Yes, she is not date material as she has shown you she has no integrity at all with how she ended up leaving your date, the amount of time she spent with you is inconsequential.

 

I never said it's his fault how she treated him. Im saying he should lower expectations on strangers otherwise he will be disappointed a lot.

[Juha]

The fact that you think her updating him about the other night's situation is "throw it in his face" makes me feel you are petty.

 

 

 

Used him as an ATM? ok how much money are we talking about here? Or did he buy her a LV bag or something? To be honest if you want to date, dont be too cheap.

 

If I guy did that to me, I would not be slightly annoyed. I once dated a men twice. He bought me a drink for the first date and I paid for dinner the second, 10 times more expensive you can say but then he disappeared. I just shrugged and move on, no big deal. We didnt have sex, he didnt owe me explanations. He just lose interest. I didnt think "what a jerk, he used me".

 

I guess you accept poor treatment and behavior from people.

That is your choice, most people do not accept bad, disrespectful treatment.

 

I am anything but petty, but that is fine and shows all to see how judgmental you are calling someone you do not know, on an internet forum names.

 

Bottom line is you have to have respect for yourself to not accept bad and poor treatment from anyone...

[elaine567]

She left after 3 solid hours of a second date. Maybe she did prime her BFF to get her out of there, maybe she couldn't face another 8 hour date, maybe her friend was indeed in trouble, maybe she just didn't want to feel pressurised to sleep with a guy who was leaving in a few days for 3 whole months...

Whatever the reason, she got herself out of there and she was entirely within her rights to do so.

He only asked her for a second date, he does not get to control her whole evening. Dating is about finding common ground.

Had she felt there was something there worth hanging on to, then wild horses would not have been able to drag her away, or if it was truly a BFF emergency she would have taken the OP with her.

As it was she zoomed off and went out elsewhere, which she was perfectly entitled to do actually...

I get the OP's disappointment, but dating within days of going off travelling for months was not the best idea really...

[frus69]

I guess you accept poor treatment and behavior from people.

That is your choice, most people do not accept bad, disrespectful treatment.

 

I am anything but petty, but that is fine and shows all to see how judgmental you are calling someone you do not know, on an internet forum names.

 

Bottom line is you have to have respect for yourself to not accept bad and poor treatment from anyone...

lol I dont accept poor treatment, but I leave without being petty or vicious and badmouth them.

Still dont think we have enough info here to judge her. I dont think she owes OP an apology, for what? Left early? She can leave whenever she wants.

[frus69]

She left after 3 solid hours of a second date. Maybe she did prime her BFF to get her out of there, maybe she couldn't face another 8 hour date, maybe her friend was indeed in trouble, maybe she just didn't want to feel pressurised to sleep with a guy who was leaving in a few days for 3 whole months...

Whatever the reason, she got herself out of there and she was entirely within her rights to do so.

He only asked her for a second date, he does not get to control her whole evening. Dating is about finding common ground.

 

 

As it was she zoomed off and went out elsewhere, which she was perfectly entitled to do actually...

..

 

Couldnt agree more lol

[LeojDon]

Most young women put their friends above all else, they let their friends make decisions on who they date for them. Her friend obviously liked the other guys better and made her friend come with her to be with them and not you.

 

No offense but her behavior showed you she was not very interested and treated you like an atm... Best that she showed you this very early on.

 

Yeah after reading some of the comments I just feel like if her friend didn't call and keep hassling we would've had a long and great night ahead, I don't think she would've left of her own accord due to losing interest as we were literally having such a laugh. Her and her friend seem detachable, especially since she said she's been her best friend since moving to my city for university and so must value her highly which I totally get.

[LeojDon]

I feel you've left out some missing pieces in this picture because no girl goes from overtly flirting and being physical with you to then go cold on you unless you have done something to make her lose her attraction.

 

The fact that she was teasing you in the club on your first date gives me the impression that she is a bit of a thrill seeker / high energy girl who needs arousal (flirting, banter, teasing etc.) to win her over.

 

 

TLDR; She's not into you. Cut your losses, learn from it and move on.

 

It's funny you say that about her being a "high energy girl", as on the first date, she did mention how she's 'always full of energy and a bit crazy.' Maybe the setting of the club on the first date made it easy to get close and comfortable in with such high energy compared to the more casual and quieter setting on the 2nd date.

[LeojDon]

I think her messaging you to keep you updated is her way of saying "dont worry, everything was fine the other night". I definitely don't think she did it to rub it in your face, cuz why on earth would she want to do that?

 

If I were you I wouldnt be annoyed at all.

 

But, none of it matters because you are going away and nothing is going to happen between you guys (nor should you pin your hope on it). You had some fun dates with a hot girl, now you will have a fun trip, looks like you've got a sweet life ahead of you so no reason to be upset at all!

 

Appreciate your comments and others who've given me new light and advice regarding this and dating in general. I shall enjoy my adventure in Asia and push this to the back of my mind, will give you all an update if anything happens between now and once i'm back in May! Until then, be nice! Thanks guys

[ChatroomHero]

Just because she didn't date you doesn't make her undateable. And what's wrong prioritising BFF over a stranger guy??

It's good you learned. You will experience something lot worse

 

 

Yes, She is undateable for him. She showed a lot of disrespect. She actually prioritized another stranger guy(s) over him, not her friend. Apparently her friend didn't really need help and it wasn't an emergency that she needed to be rescued from as they partied with the guys...and she knew that as soon as she walked over to her friend and they stayed with the other guys. Likely her friend actually told her on the phone, "Hey, there is a group of hot guys I met and you should come meet them and ditch Leoj". Wanna bet that she stayed out and partied with the other guys longer than 3 hours too?

 

 

Seriously, can you really think of any way a date can end more defeating, demoralizing or emasculating than a girl going on a date with a guy and in the middle saying what comes down to, "I gotta go party with other guys and probably go home and bang one of them. Thanks for dinner!"... And then texting you after to let you know she stayed out with another group of guys?!

 

 

What she did was pretty much the equivalent of a guy on a date having an attractive waitress and in the middle of the date in front of the girl, asking the waitress what she is doing after her shift. Then hanging out with her and texting his original date about how he hung out with the waitress all night...I mean no big deal, it was just a first date, they weren't married... Why can't he hang out with someone after his date is over...then brag about it to his date after? It's about the same level of respect.

 

 

Look Leoj. I think you get it. In dating as in everything else, people will treat you how you let them treat you. To her text mentioning partying with the other guys, I probably would have responded something like...Really? We just had a decent date and you are texting me how you left the date to party with other guys? We are probably not right for each other, so let's move on. I had fun though, take care!.

[Mrs._December]

Yeah after reading some of the comments I just feel like if her friend didn't call and keep hassling we would've had a long and great night ahead, I don't think she would've left of her own accord due to losing interest as we were literally having such a laugh. Her and her friend seem detachable, especially since she said she's been her best friend since moving to my city for university and so must value her highly which I totally get.

Come on.

 

I'm betting my house she arranged to have her friend start this nonsense texting during your date, telling her that she 'needs her help right away' to get rid of some guy. Yeah, sure. So big deal - she showed you the texts - so that somehow makes them real? OMG. She's the one who told her friend to SEND them so of course she's going to show them to you. That was her way of being able to get out of your date gracefully and go out to the club with all her friends.

 

You keep mistakenly thinking that if only you'd brought her to a more desirable, action-packed place, she wouldn't have felt the need to run off, and that's just stupid thinking. If you have to provide the 'best' entertainment in order to keep a girl with you and not escaping to go play with her friends, then what the hell have you really 'won?' NOTHING. Just a self-entitled little princess who has to be entertained 24/7 by the highest bidder in order to keep her around. Ugh.

 

Look, I'm assuming she's a youngin' like you - or even younger. You guys are barely out of your teens and you're expecting way too much. There will be many 'hot' girls you'll date in the future, so stop trying to think of ways to get this one back. She's not worth your time.

[LeojDon]

Quick update:

 

I’m completely over the issue with the girl I dated before travelling. In my travel group there is an Australian girl I’ve ended up falling for quite hard since we were together for almost 20 days, and we ended up hooking up near the end. The tour finished & we parted ways but kept texting, now I’m in Thailand to see her for 5 days as I feel like I can’t let it slip! How can a long distance thing even work when one person is in UK & the other in Australia? Bearing in mind I’m 22