LeojDon Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 So I went on my first ever Tinder date with this girl, met her outside a cocktail bar & she was actually stunning. Conversation bounced really well, end up walking to a different cocktail bar then ended up in a nightclub. In the nightclub she was reaaaally touchy, like sitting on my lap & putting her legs in between mine but was trying to tease by leaning in for a kiss then backing out (in the end she gave in and kissed me) but feel she was trying to show she wasn’t ‘easy’ which I like. She went at around 3am so we were out for a good 8 hours! Here comes the 2nd date... met at a different cocktail bar, however this time I feel like she was taking my kindness for weakness. I was excited to go to this place due to its cool concept (& to see her reaction) however she’d already been so okay, fair enough. She also seemed quite coy to show her emotions and I just couldn’t figure her out. Her friend then kept ringing none stop, she picks up & her friend says I need you to help me a guys come over but I need you to help me get rid of him. If it was me, I would’ve said “sorry I can’t right now” since if it wasn’t an emergency (which it wasn’t) then I’m prioritising the date. She said sorry but I need to go help her (this was 3 hours into the date) and left, I had to pick up the bill (she the did usual “are you suuure?”) & just felt a bit used and don’t feel like the effort I put in was being reciprocated. I told her I was going travelling for 3 months soon and when I get back want to pick up where we left off, and she seemed absolutely fine about that. Now in texts she’s very cold with me, one line answers and just isnt as bubbly or conversational as after the first date. What do you guys think? Am I being paranoid or dramatic or am I right in thinking this?
stillafool Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 I think her friend called to get her out of the date with you. Women do that move. She said okay to getting together when you got back to be polite. She is cold in her texts because she is not interested. 2
d0nnivain Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 You may not have thought it was an emergency but if I telephoned a GF to help me get rid of some unwanted guy that sure is an emergency. If I need help to get rid of a guy it means I am afraid of him & there is a perceived present danger to me. So give your date a break. She was being a good friend & picking her friend over some guy she was on a 2nd date with. Plus she had already spent 3 hours with you, which is a long time. I suppose there is a possibility that her friend's call was a ruse because your date wanted to be rid of you but since she's still talking to you, I don't think that is it. Your announcement that you are going away for 3 months probably has more to do with her cooler attitude. Just continue to be cordial so that when you go away it's with few expectations on either side. Keep in light contact while you are away. A text of two per week or a social media post. When you come back then you can revisit how much potential this has. You really can't expect her to be excited about your disappearing to travel nor expect that she will sit & wait for you.
ShadeOfGreen Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 I can understand you being excited about this girl. She's hot, and you had a great time with her. I can also understand if she's cooled off after learning you'll be gone for three months. That's a long time after only a couple dates. Lots can happen in the dating world in that time. Maybe she'll still be into you after you get back, but this is tough for you. Women get a lot of attention on Tinder. Maybe don't assume the worst with the phone call. Still possible it really was something she needed to take care of in that moment.
manfrombelow2 Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 1/ So far so good. You were able to move to different locations in one single date. That is good. Conversation bounced really well, end up walking to a different cocktail bar then ended up in a nightclub. 2/ Again, so far so good. In the nightclub she was reaaaally touchy, like sitting on my lap & putting her legs in between mine but was trying to tease by leaning in for a kiss then backing out (in the end she gave in and kissed me) 3/ You are not giving enough data about you "being kindness." Here comes the 2nd date... met at a different cocktail bar, however this time I feel like she was taking my kindness for weakness. 4/ Somehow, along the process, you accidentally lowered her interest level. Whether or not that call from her friend was true doesn't matter, what matters is you don't matter enough to her to stay with you. The fact that she left you in the middle of the date communicates she is no longer attracted to you romantically and sexually. "Used"? Come one, it was just some food and drink, she doesn't owe you anything. I had to pick up the bill (she the did usual “are you suuure?”) & just felt a bit used and don’t feel like the effort I put in was being reciprocated. 5/ That's because she is no longer attracted to you sexually and romantically. Now in texts she’s very cold with me, one line answers and just isnt as bubbly or conversational as after the first date. 6/ She was into you, but somehow now she is not anymore. Because at the beginning, her feelings for you were high. Now they are not. That's normal. All you need to do, is move on to dating other women. That's your only choice now. And remember, she doesn't owe you anything. What do you guys think? Am I being paranoid or dramatic or am I right in thinking this?
Author LeojDon Posted January 23, 2019 Author Posted January 23, 2019 I can understand you being excited about this girl. She's hot, and you had a great time with her. I can also understand if she's cooled off after learning you'll be gone for three months. That's a long time after only a couple dates. Lots can happen in the dating world in that time. Maybe she'll still be into you after you get back, but this is tough for you. Women get a lot of attention on Tinder. Maybe don't assume the worst with the phone call. Still possible it really was something she needed to take care of in that moment. Yeah I agree. It’s crazy cause the first date last nearly 9 hours, and at the end we both felt like we’d already met before because it flowed so well. It’s just so annoying how she’s now on my mind right before I go on my big trip away. With the phone call, she was ignoring it many times to be polite until I said it’s fine to take it, and she showed me a text her friend sent. Think I regret spending the 3 hours in the same place & should’ve moved on to somewhere livelier sooner?
Author LeojDon Posted January 23, 2019 Author Posted January 23, 2019 You may not have thought it was an emergency but if I telephoned a GF to help me get rid of some unwanted guy that sure is an emergency. If I need help to get rid of a guy it means I am afraid of him & there is a perceived present danger to me. So give your date a break. She was being a good friend & picking her friend over some guy she was on a 2nd date with. Plus she had already spent 3 hours with you, which is a long time. I suppose there is a possibility that her friend's call was a ruse because your date wanted to be rid of you but since she's still talking to you, I don't think that is it. Your announcement that you are going away for 3 months probably has more to do with her cooler attitude. Just continue to be cordial so that when you go away it's with few expectations on either side. Keep in light contact while you are away. A text of two per week or a social media post. When you come back then you can revisit how much potential this has. You really can't expect her to be excited about your disappearing to travel nor expect that she will sit & wait for you. Yeah but the thing that bugged me was she messaged the next day saying her, her friend and the other guys all went out that night to a different bar which me made feel like she had a better night with them than me. I suppose time will tell while I’m away. I’m trying to play it no mind but with the way the first date went (spent nearly 8 hours out) and how the conversation flowed on both dates, it’s hard to repress it!
Author LeojDon Posted January 23, 2019 Author Posted January 23, 2019 I probably should’ve reworded the title, it’s more of a ‘what do I do now’ as I don’t feel the effort is being reciprocated at all. Even though the conversation flowed really well & we had a great laugh on the 2nd date, I can pinpoint it on the setting being far more subdued and less exciting/less of an atmosphere as the first two. Error on my part for not keeping the date itself interesting and moving on at the right time. Just annoying as the really strong feelings from the first date seemingly feel as though they’re empty less than a week later, but we live and learn I guess!
d0nnivain Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 Her going out with her friend & the other guy is not good. Really just leave her be & go enjoy your trip. 2
ShadeOfGreen Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 I probably should’ve reworded the title, it’s more of a ‘what do I do now’ as I don’t feel the effort is being reciprocated at all. Even though the conversation flowed really well & we had a great laugh on the 2nd date, I can pinpoint it on the setting being far more subdued and less exciting/less of an atmosphere as the first two. Error on my part for not keeping the date itself interesting and moving on at the right time. Just annoying as the really strong feelings from the first date seemingly feel as though they’re empty less than a week later, but we live and learn I guess! Don't be so hard on yourself. It's OK to have a spectrum in excitement between dates. Not everything has to be a 10 all the time. It's also not all your responsibility. She's a willing participant, and can suggest a change in locale. She can also choose not to answer her phone. Now that it looks like it wasn't an emergency, it's just bad manners or worse. If she didn't see it going anywhere, she could've bowed out more respectfully.
Versacehottie Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 Maybe she will grow up while you are gone? I don't think she was "using" you. I do think it was rude to abandon your date to go help her friend. At the very least if she really did need to help her friend, she could have/should have handled it better with you (like in a more grown up way and preserve whatever you guys have going on). I think it was absolutely tactless to have left the date with you and then tell you she ended up at another bar with her friends. Party girl? Or trying to play like she is? This part would be the red flag, to me. I think since you are going away for 3 months that it would be foolish to expect too much from whomever you are dating newly via tinder. It's just not enough investment of time and emotions to hold onto before your trip for most people. I think you should be positive and confident with contact with her until you leave but don't try too hard (only as much as she is and when she is being good to you). You can contact when you come back. To expect her to hold a space for you for 3 months is a little too much, especially with this one as i'm leaning toward the fact that she values going out and her friends and a variety of guys over one guy. So have fun on your trip and don't think about her. Maybe attempt to meet up when you are back. good luck 1
Orokotikki Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 SAF, Thay, and Alpha have this diagnosed imho. Bail on this and cast a new line. 1
Author LeojDon Posted January 23, 2019 Author Posted January 23, 2019 Her going out with her friend & the other guy is not good. Really just leave her be & go enjoy your trip. Her going out after really made me feel like sh*t after just because it felt what we just did was meaningless to her. I'm only 21 and have rarely dated so I think i'm clinging onto the fact we get on so well so quick but forgetting my own self-worth at this point
Author LeojDon Posted January 23, 2019 Author Posted January 23, 2019 Don't be so hard on yourself. It's OK to have a spectrum in excitement between dates. Not everything has to be a 10 all the time. It's also not all your responsibility. She's a willing participant, and can suggest a change in locale. She can also choose not to answer her phone. Now that it looks like it wasn't an emergency, it's just bad manners or worse. If she didn't see it going anywhere, she could've bowed out more respectfully. Yeah that's a good point. She could've said half-way through 'shall we go somewhere else' which is what she did in the first date and it went really well, so I'm not sure what went wrong as it felt like the conversation was great. She was persistently asking me 'are you sure i'm okay to leave' which I'm obviously not going to say no to, but I was clearly not a priority as it was shown when she said they all went out later that night, and made me feel like **** to be honest. I'd prefer if she just didn't reply to messages and not entertain going out again etc if she really isn't interested, which is what's confusing me. Is she or is she not?
Author LeojDon Posted January 23, 2019 Author Posted January 23, 2019 Maybe she will grow up while you are gone? I don't think she was "using" you. I do think it was rude to abandon your date to go help her friend. At the very least if she really did need to help her friend, she could have/should have handled it better with you (like in a more grown up way and preserve whatever you guys have going on). I think it was absolutely tactless to have left the date with you and then tell you she ended up at another bar with her friends. Party girl? Or trying to play like she is? This part would be the red flag, to me. I think since you are going away for 3 months that it would be foolish to expect too much from whomever you are dating newly via tinder. It's just not enough investment of time and emotions to hold onto before your trip for most people. I think you should be positive and confident with contact with her until you leave but don't try too hard (only as much as she is and when she is being good to you). You can contact when you come back. To expect her to hold a space for you for 3 months is a little too much, especially with this one as i'm leaning toward the fact that she values going out and her friends and a variety of guys over one guy. So have fun on your trip and don't think about her. Maybe attempt to meet up when you are back. good luck Just for reference: i'm 21 and she's 20. That's exactly how I felt also, just like I wasn't a priority at that moment. If she responded after saying 'I'm so sorry I had to go, can we meet again soon etc' or something along those lines I would've been happy, instead it was just rubbing salt in the wounds like I'm meant to be happy for her for going out? I don't expect us to be exclusive as it's way too soon, but she's just playing on my mind due to how well the 1st date and half the 2nd date went. It just gave me a huge spark because of the connection that i'm literally trying to repress and red flags and incidents (like her going out after our date) which were obvious and kinda hurt. Thanks so much for providing clarity for me, It's really been clouding my travel plans so close to leaving!
alphamale Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 Just for reference: i'm 21 and she's 20. unfortunately people in their 20s treat each other crap 2
smackie9 Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 So when did you tell her you were leaving for 3 months? 2
Author LeojDon Posted January 23, 2019 Author Posted January 23, 2019 So when did you tell her you were leaving for 3 months? I mentioned it in the first date after she asked what my plans are at the moment following my graduation, I just didn't say exactly when. But she's been aware of my intentions to go soon.
smackie9 Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 well that could be the reason why she back peddled. I have a feeling she adores attention, so that could be why she was buttering you up so hard on the first date. Since she's so stunning, I doubt she will be available 3 months from now so you should just write this off and move on. No worth the discussion. 3
Author LeojDon Posted January 23, 2019 Author Posted January 23, 2019 well that could be the reason why she back peddled. I have a feeling she adores attention, so that could be why she was buttering you up so hard on the first date. Since she's so stunning, I doubt she will be available 3 months from now so you should just write this off and move on. No worth the discussion. I mentioned it at the very start of the first date yet she was still very touchy later on. When I get to Asia i'm sure it'll be off my mind, it's just been playing on me since I'm just waiting to go away on my trip! Time will tell I guess
elaine567 Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 I wouldn't bother dating women just now in the hope they are going to stick around waiting for 3 months until you come back...
Author LeojDon Posted January 23, 2019 Author Posted January 23, 2019 I wouldn't bother dating women just now in the hope they are going to stick around waiting for 3 months until you come back... I'm not expecting her to stick around, nor is she expecting me. Don't really know why I took her on a date so close to my departure date but I don't regret the first one for sure, took many lessons from it all that I'd do differently/same in future since I'm not a serial dater
Juha Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 I am guessing her friend had a guy that she liked come over with her guy and she wanted to be with that guy more than you.
Juha Posted January 23, 2019 Posted January 23, 2019 Yeah but the thing that bugged me was she messaged the next day saying her, her friend and the other guys all went out that night to a different bar which me made feel like she had a better night with them than me. I suppose time will tell while I’m away. I’m trying to play it no mind but with the way the first date went (spent nearly 8 hours out) and how the conversation flowed on both dates, it’s hard to repress it! She liked her friends guy friend better than you and then threw it in your face that she went out after dumping you. I would lose her number and not be bothered with her another minute. She does not sound like such a prize whether she is pretty or not.
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