smackie9 Posted September 1, 2019 Posted September 1, 2019 If you respond you can't be lame....the old hi how are you doesn't work. You have to peacock to stand out from the rest. You have to figure out how to capture their attention by being mysterious/bold/unusual.
OatsAndHall Posted September 2, 2019 Posted September 2, 2019 It's the Rolodex; women message me, we chat and then they disappear for awhile. Someone else caught their attention, it didn't pan out for whatever reason so they flipped back through the Rolodex until they get back to me. Then I get another message with the "sorry it took me so long to respond..blah..blah.." and I just ignore them and move on. It's a pretty standard part of OLD at this point. It does kind of suck sometimes though. I was having a great chat with a woman about all of the movie and music genres that we both enjoy. She had a great sense of humor and we tried to set up a date for that weekend but our schedules didn't mesh. She read but didn't respond to my next message ("How was your day? -insert stupid emoji-") and went dark for about a month. She was the site continually and hit me up out of the blue. I was tempted to respond but, IME, the likelihood of getting thrown on the actual Date Rolodex is pretty high if they've Message Rolodexed me. 1
Author Berteau Posted September 2, 2019 Author Posted September 2, 2019 It's the Rolodex; women message me, we chat and then they disappear for awhile. Someone else caught their attention, it didn't pan out for whatever reason so they flipped back through the Rolodex until they get back to me. Then I get another message with the "sorry it took me so long to respond..blah..blah.." and I just ignore them and move on. It's a pretty standard part of OLD at this point. It does kind of suck sometimes though. I was having a great chat with a woman about all of the movie and music genres that we both enjoy. She had a great sense of humor and we tried to set up a date for that weekend but our schedules didn't mesh. She read but didn't respond to my next message ("How was your day? -insert stupid emoji-") and went dark for about a month. She was the site continually and hit me up out of the blue. I was tempted to respond but, IME, the likelihood of getting thrown on the actual Date Rolodex is pretty high if they've Message Rolodexed me. Well the seems pretty normal then. Glad I’m not the only one.
caputo77 Posted September 2, 2019 Posted September 2, 2019 As a girl using online dating, I can give you some perspective as to why I sometimes do this. Basically, girls get a high volume of matches. I'm not especially attractive and my profile is pretty boring, but I still constantly have 50+ on bumble. For every 50 guys I match with, I probably message about 10. Out of those 10, maybe 5-7 message me back. I have a full-time job and a life and I don't especially like texting to begin with, so I'm not going to pursue conversations with all of these guys. BUT because not all guys will answer it's still most efficient for me to try messaging a higher number than I actually plan on talking to. From those that answer, I pick one or two, MAYBE three who based on their responses seem like they'll be a decent conversationalist and I respond to those. Absolutely nothing against the other guys, the bottom line is just that online dating is a numbers game like previous posters mentioned. It can be pretty crappy and annoying but it is what it is and you've gotta understand that going in or else it'll kill your confidence.
salparadise Posted September 2, 2019 Posted September 2, 2019 (edited) Bumble has resulted in a good amount of meetups/dates for me, and I agree I think it’s the whole idea of women initiating. Although I do get a ton of women who message on Bumble then never reply after that. Probably filler or boredom as someone said earlier. Hinge has been better than Bumble for me, currently seeing 2 women from that app I’m deciding between for exclusivity. I feel like Hinge has a more serious user base than any app I’ve used so far. I haven't tried Hinge. I may have looked at it and decided that the user base in my area wasn't large enough. I live in a somewhat rural area and it pays to go where the greatest numbers are, and the right type of course. I had a date this weekend with an ultra-hottie from Bumble. I had seen her on Match before, and her pics stood a mile above all the others. Her main photo looked like a magazine cover, literally. I'm sure I must've tried to get her attention, and then let it go. I was surprised when we matched on Bumble. She messaged me and we chatted, then I didn't respond for a few days and she double messaged and gave me her number. Had a decent time on the date, but she's pretty shallow even though she's smart... and we just come different worlds. But it was fun –– we went to a taco/tequila bar and I enjoyed being with the hottest chicky-poo in the place. The hottie thing isn't just looks, it's a mentality as well. I need to stick with the ones who are semi-hot and don't realize it. And closer to my age. Edited September 2, 2019 by salparadise
Watercolors Posted September 2, 2019 Posted September 2, 2019 I enjoyed being with the hottest chicky-poo in the place. This statement is exactly why I despise online dating. Men objectify women based on their physical appearance, and ignore the Average Jane because she's not all T&A&Botox. Yucky. 1
alphamale Posted September 2, 2019 Posted September 2, 2019 This statement is exactly why I despise online dating. Men objectify women based on their physical appearance, and ignore the Average Jane because she's not all T&A&Botox. Yucky. I know some "average janes" who are on OLD. Most of them do ok. When the hotties blow the guys off repeatedly they go back to the girls they can actually get. A lady I know is pretty average looking and overweight and even she has OLD dates every weekend...
Watercolors Posted September 2, 2019 Posted September 2, 2019 I know some "average janes" who are on OLD. Most of them do ok. When the hotties blow the guys off repeatedly they go back to the girls they can actually get. A lady I know is pretty average looking and overweight and even she has OLD dates every weekend... Well, yeah, Average Janes are men's "sloppy seconds" because the "hotties" blow them off, with OLD. It's a no-win situation for women with OLD. What man has EVER pursued an Average Jane first, and ignored the "Hotties." Good for your Average Jane friend who has success with OLD. 2
OatsAndHall Posted September 2, 2019 Posted September 2, 2019 Well, yeah, Average Janes are men's "sloppy seconds" because the "hotties" blow them off, with OLD. It's a no-win situation for women with OLD. What man has EVER pursued an Average Jane first, and ignored the "Hotties." Good for your Average Jane friend who has success with OLD. Honestly, I'll send messages to the "hotties" but I always try to bat within my league as well. I will pursue an average looking woman more than a bombshell simply because I know I'll have a better chance at getting a few quality dates in. If I get a date with a more attractive woman, I will generally end up "Rolodexed" or ghosted after a a date or two. I just have less communication and date b.s. with average looking women as well. We chat back and forth, go out on a few dates, have some fun and see where it goes. Communication is always solid before and between dates and there's less muss n' fuss when it comes to setting up dates.
Watercolors Posted September 2, 2019 Posted September 2, 2019 Honestly, I'll send messages to the "hotties" but I always try to bat within my league as well. I will pursue an average looking woman more than a bombshell simply because I know I'll have a better chance at getting a few quality dates in. If I get a date with a more attractive woman, I will generally end up "Rolodexed" or ghosted after a a date or two. I just have less communication and date b.s. with average looking women as well. We chat back and forth, go out on a few dates, have some fun and see where it goes. Communication is always solid before and between dates and there's less muss n' fuss when it comes to setting up dates. I did OLD for years and the few 1st/2nd dates I went on with men -- who were all Average Joes, not Hotties -- never went anywhere. I think because I was not a Hottie, but an Average Jane. I got "Rolodexed" or ghosted by Average Joes all the time. It was exhausting to be spun lies all the time on OLD's Wheel of Fortune. I mean, men in their 30s and 40s ghosting me because another woman they were in contact with finally got back to them for a date, so they'd drop me. No thanks. That's how OLD works. But i don't know why people think investing $50-80 a month on a website where you're just paying to be ghosted or lied to by complete strangers seems like a good idea? I'm already two feet into Spinsterhood (sans the cat). So, I guess I will enjoy it because OLD is not for this Average Jane.
salparadise Posted September 2, 2019 Posted September 2, 2019 This statement is exactly why I despise online dating. Men objectify women based on their physical appearance, and ignore the Average Jane because she's not all T&A&Botox. Yucky. In case you didn't pick up on it, I was being facetious. I don't typically go for hotties, and that's the point I was making... it was a different kind of experience, and I need to stick with the minor leaguers. I also said she was shallow in case you missed it, which matters. But I'll also add that men don't have any monopoly on pickiness... all you have to do is read a few posts here on LS to see what women expect in exchange for, well, whatever it is they're offering, their abundant hotness notwithstanding. We can't totally ignore extremely attractive females any more than they can ignore fourteen rooms, servants, and a new C 300.
OatsAndHall Posted September 2, 2019 Posted September 2, 2019 @watercolors Unfortunately, it happens to both sexes on OLD sites... I recently had three dates in two weeks with an average looking woman via OLD. We clicked, had similar interests, and the dates were enjoyable. No social atrocities were committed and I thought everything was clicking along nicely. But, she ghosted me and I still see her on the OLD site all of the time. I'm used to this via OLD and I'm not upset; just a tad disappointed.
The Outlaw Posted September 2, 2019 Posted September 2, 2019 I wouldn’t waste my time with them if they can’t be bothered to respond. Then again, as pointed out, it may just be a scam to get you to sign up for more. I think it’s a crock but they’re more interested in making money than anything else.
rightondude Posted September 2, 2019 Posted September 2, 2019 people on OLD sometimes have no problem with stringing you along because you're not yet "real" and there's no repercussion from doing so. You don't know them, they don't know you, it's all make believe until an actual date happens. That's why you can't waste time with endless penpal games, you must 1) be immediately charming and interesting and 2) set up a date quickly. 2
Watercolors Posted September 2, 2019 Posted September 2, 2019 In case you didn't pick up on it, I was being facetious. I don't typically go for hotties, and that's the point I was making... it was a different kind of experience, and I need to stick with the minor leaguers. I also said she was shallow in case you missed it, which matters. But I'll also add that men don't have any monopoly on pickiness... all you have to do is read a few posts here on LS to see what women expect in exchange for, well, whatever it is they're offering, their abundant hotness notwithstanding. We can't totally ignore extremely attractive females any more than they can ignore fourteen rooms, servants, and a new C 300. Ok, facetious is good. I did read that you described her as shallow. I was just disappointed that you seem to prefer hotties over plane janes. I assume for all men, they prefer hotties over plane janes. Because OLD is about picking out profiles who are the most attractive. I know both genders suffer from "rolodexing" with OLD. OLD's system is discordant with my philosophy on dating and relationships. With OLD, you have to present your best self to complete strangers whose intentions you could not possibly know about no matter what, since they are just online profiles. It's all very bizarre to me, this OLD dating game. I think ghosting on each other as adults, b/c of the endless options of other profiles and dates is overwhelming and not natural. People are not like produce at the grocery store, yet that is exactly how people treat other with OLD dates. I never got used to feeling objectified. Or, the pressure of having to write the perfect profile description, as though I was fishing with bait to catch the best OLD male profile. I'd rather be alone and leave meeting men up to chance, than ever pay a subscription fee to an OLD website that can't possibly guarantee me anything other than the date and time every month that they'll take money out of my direct deposit to pay for the monthly subscription. 1
salparadise Posted September 2, 2019 Posted September 2, 2019 # I was just disappointed that you seem to prefer hotties over plane janes. I assume for all men, they prefer hotties over plane janes. Because OLD is about picking out profiles who are the most attractive. Well, there is a dichotomy here is there not? Everyone would prefer an attractive mate. That’s the way humans and peacocks are wired. Darwin covered this well in his book “The Descent of Man , and Selection in Relation to Sex.” I’ll resist the urge to delve into how this manifests differently in males and females, but suffice it to say that women are the choosers, and altruism above self-interest is not a thing. But we do learn, with age and experience, to override some of our innate tendencies because those selfish genes aren’t the least bit interested in our happiness or peace of mind. I think ghosting on each other as adults, b/c of the endless options of other profiles and dates is overwhelming and not natural. People are not like produce at the grocery store, yet that is exactly how people treat other with OLD dates. I never got used to feeling objectified. Or, the pressure of having to write the perfect profile description, as though I was fishing with bait to catch the best OLD male profile. I hear ya. I hate it more all the time. Problem is I would have little hope were it not for OLD. I do believe it changes us in subtle and not so subtle ways. I try very hard to not become cynical or take it personally, yet I still do. Women objectify too. I had one woman ask me outright on a first date if I owned my home or rented! And believe me, there was nothing the least bit hot about that one. She was overtly shopping for the lifestyle upgrade she believed she deserved, by virtue of being a member of the vagina owner’s group. It’s awful. I can’t wait to delete those apps for the last time. Like it or not, we have no choice but to accept that it’s competitive… and it isn’t limited too OLD. It’s life here on the third rock. What’s the solution? Quit optimizing and choose someone who will have us, flaws and all, for better or worse. Easier said than done, of course. I’ve had female friends fall in love with me, two in the past year, and I wasn’t able to reciprocate. And I’ve had a few that I would’ve chosen who couldn’t choose me. Arranged marriages may not be such a bad system. It’s The Paradox of Choice that trips us up, and OLD is making a killing on that very concept.
Watercolors Posted September 2, 2019 Posted September 2, 2019 @salparadise: yes, I do think OLD changes the way people interact with other in obvious and not-so-obvious ways. For one thing, OLD removes the courtship phase right off the bat, because OLD profiles are grocery lists of people's traits and such, to be viewed and judged by complete strangers. Whereas pre-OLD, people took their time revealing their traits to each other. I think that's the part that irks me the most about OLD. That, you are expected to put your "best" self out there in cyberspace for all to judge, with the hope that you'll somehow develop a genuine connection instantaneously with another person, which is not how courtship works. I mean. I have no dating life outside of meetups because OLD failed me in the worst way. One guy I liked, was dating someone else. Then she dumped him. So he texted me "sloppy seconds" to see if I was available. Pfft. I'm not some man's consolation prize because his hottie rejected him. That's what I felt like with that situation and with OLD in general; that, the only reason men contact me is I'm on some wheel of possibilities that they've spun and landed on. It's too much pressure. Men have judged me in under 30 seconds on 1st and 2nd dates as whether or not I'm someone worth dating. That NEVER happened prior to online dating, because when you met someone to date, it was through mutual social circles, community sports, or social groups. There was no pressure at all to judge each other within under a minute. I think OLD is destroying romance one membership at a time. It's not for me. I know it works for most, but not for this plain jane!
nospam99 Posted September 3, 2019 Posted September 3, 2019 One guy I liked, was dating someone else. Then she dumped him. So he texted me ''sloppy seconds'' to see if I was available. Pfft. I'm not some man's consolation prize because his hottie rejected him! Did he literally text you 'sloppy seconds' or is that the way YOU are spinning it? What would you have preferred? That he dump her to date you? That he multi-date? Is a man (or woman) supposed to be a lifetime incel if they get dumped? Or simply they're not allowed to date people they had met before being dumped? Or are YOU only interested in dating men who, when they first meet you, decide that you are the best woman in the world for them? What if such a man is married? Should he divorce his wife to be with you? What if, by chance, there are several men in the world who decide that you are their 'first choice'? Are you going to bring them all into some kind of guy-harem? Or should all but the one you pick go join a monastery and wait just in case YOU dump the one you picked first? Snarky questions aside, I obviously think you have an unrealistic attitude about the ebb and flow of dating relationships as people search for 'the one'. I say there is no 'one'. There are many 'ones' and it takes time to find them. If any of us find 'a one' with whom we are mutually 'a one', then both have had the good fortune to meet 'The One'.
salparadise Posted September 3, 2019 Posted September 3, 2019 Whereas pre-OLD, people took their time revealing their traits to each other. I think that's the part that irks me the most about OLD. That, you are expected to put your "best" self out there in cyberspace for all to judge, with the hope that you'll somehow develop a genuine connection instantaneously with another person, which is not how courtship works. So let me get this straight... you think someone should choose you why? You don't do competition, don't like presenting your best self, don't like being judged in any way, and you don't think men should be influenced by physical attractiveness? And you do think you should be courted and romanced as a man's one primary interest, despite him knowing virtually nothing about you or being attracted physically? But you do believe that if a woman feels she can do better, then she should kick'em to the curb until she lands one that has no flaws and cannot be bested? Is this correct? Snarky questions aside, I obviously think you have an unrealistic attitude about the ebb and flow of dating relationships [...] What's unrealistic? She just wants to have total control over the picking and choosing such that she gets the best of the best, and never has to deal with any competition or rejection. Sound perfectly reasonable to me! 1
beentheredonethat77 Posted September 3, 2019 Posted September 3, 2019 Watercolor, with specific issues you mentioned -- i dont think this is any difference in real life and online dating (if anything online dating is better for you!) Ive never witnessed a social scenario in real life where the men will pass by the "hotties" straight to the "plain janes" purely based on looks alone.. As far as ive noticed men seeking out attractive dates is pretty stock-standard protocol across all cultures and demographics--- If anything Online dating at least gives a plainer jane a chance to write something funny/witty and interesting and lure men in with flattering pics. In real life, all they see is you standing at a bar and if they arn't attracted then they wont even find out you're charming and positive personality etc:). Also unless we are the very first person a man is interested in, every single time.., then arn't we all 'sloppy seconds' by your definition? If im second it could be simply because of the timing, so he hit it off with someone before me? so what? hes going for me now etc. i think there are pros and cons to every meeting/dating scenario... I just think OLD is a good forum for people who otherwise dont meet a lot of the opposite sex in their every day life and are far too shy to approach etc. Im neither of these things, but as a woman i love it because i can lie in bed in my pjs and "meet" guys and arrange dates.. vs a loud, hot bar in uncomfortable heels getting stuck talking to a guy you cant get away from without being rude with whom i'd have swiped left on so fast in OLD .. or worse, dating people in the work place where things get complicated fast..... OLD is a great option for me. Each to his/her own!
Fekenaws Posted September 4, 2019 Posted September 4, 2019 For myself, I'm often swiping fairly quickly and only look at accounts for 5-10 seconds before giving my "would bang" rating. Now, as everyone knows here it's never as simple as that, and most women aren't going to bang on the first date, so thats where the problems arise. All of sudden a large portion of my matches I'm not particularly attracted to, at least not enough to want to put the effort into getting any further with them. These are the people, for me, who get the 1 messages ghosts or no messages at all. I just didn't have enough interest in them to begin with to bother getting invested.
Author Berteau Posted September 4, 2019 Author Posted September 4, 2019 Who are all these people taking about paying for memberships? Is this 2000? You don’t have to pay for dating apps people.
Sam2020 Posted September 4, 2019 Posted September 4, 2019 no preraph, I get these much more right around time my subscription is due for renewal. like within the last 4 wks of my paid subscription. match has "operatives" that they may or may not compensate to create fake profiles and send messages to me. it is usually a good looking woman in her 20s or early 30s, profile is only filled out minimally. when I go to to look at her profile some time later it is always deleted an no longer available That sucks. I hadn't noticed anything like that the last time I was on OLD so we shall see in a couple of months! If you respond you can't be lame....the old hi how are you doesn't work. You have to peacock to stand out from the rest. You have to figure out how to capture their attention by being mysterious/bold/unusual. I agree. When a guy simply says "Hi, how are you" it really means nothing. My thought is that since the message box comes up every time you "like" someone, some of the guys may think they HAVE to leave a message in order for the "like" to register. I got a "Hi" message from a guy who is my sons age, lol! My attention goes to the guy who is interested to know more than how I'm doing and is interested to meet right away rather than be penpals. After all that's the way we can really see if we'll be interested. At least that's how I know.
Logo Posted September 5, 2019 Posted September 5, 2019 If you respond you can't be lame....the old hi how are you doesn't work. You have to peacock to stand out from the rest. You have to figure out how to capture their attention by being mysterious/bold/unusual. I’ve tried just that and it seemed to have an adverse effect. The short, simple sentences tend to get better responses because god forbid someone on these dating apps should have the attention span to read more than 2 sentences.
Logo Posted September 5, 2019 Posted September 5, 2019 As a girl using online dating, I can give you some perspective as to why I sometimes do this. Basically, girls get a high volume of matches. I'm not especially attractive and my profile is pretty boring, but I still constantly have 50+ on bumble. For every 50 guys I match with, I probably message about 10. Out of those 10, maybe 5-7 message me back. I have a full-time job and a life and I don't especially like texting to begin with, so I'm not going to pursue conversations with all of these guys. BUT because not all guys will answer it's still most efficient for me to try messaging a higher number than I actually plan on talking to. From those that answer, I pick one or two, MAYBE three who based on their responses seem like they'll be a decent conversationalist and I respond to those. Absolutely nothing against the other guys, the bottom line is just that online dating is a numbers game like previous posters mentioned. It can be pretty crappy and annoying but it is what it is and you've gotta understand that going in or else it'll kill your confidence. So you message a higher number of men with no intention of talking to them because some don’t respond. Are you trying to win a free trip to Vegas or find your match?
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