My friend and colleague has become very annoying

[seany25]

Hi, I will make this as short as possible, with just the necessary information.

 

I've worked at a company for 4 years. Me and my colleague started on the exact same day. We quickly became friends. But in the last year he's changed towards me in very noticeable ways.

 

Now, these noticeable ways he's changed are only visible to me, to anyone else, it's just him being him.

 

He's always been one to put on the "class clown" act in front of everyone; making stupid jokes, acting and behaving like an idiot, and coming out with ridiculous things and exaggerations regarding something that's being spoken about, and this is what's primarily becoming really irritating to me.

 

For example, the other day I was telling a co-worker about a business idea I've been working on. My "friend" walks by and hears the conversation. He stops and starts making derogatory remarks about my business and my business expertise in general, he said it in a "funny" way so that it's all "HA HA HA I'M SO FUNNYYYY"..

 

I responded pretty cool but I have to admit he annoyed me and it was visible to the girls I had been telling the story to. I then said a couple of sarcastic remarks back to him about the fact that at least I was taking such action to trying and make something of myself..

 

Then he proceeded to go over to his team and tell them the "story" of Seany getting all worked up over nothing, and he also went over to another team in the office to tell them the story too. I'm just sat thinking, "what kind of an immature, retarded a-hole have you become? This is the kind of thing he does all the time and it's become very annoying.

 

He is always undermining the action I'm taking, when a real friend would support you. I loved him but I don't truly like him anymore, and it's his own fault.

 

There are many examples just like the above. Now, I'll admit his silly immature behaviour isn't just towards me, he acts the class clown in general to most people, but I just have zero interest in complying with his complete stupidity. In fact it just makes me want to roll my eyes and tell him he's behaving like an idiotic moron.

 

I've envisioned scenes where I crack and give him a piece of my mind, but I'm a very positive person and everyone in the office knows I am and they like this particular trait of mine. In fact I'm taking my "friends" criticism and using it to my advantage - because people who bring you down make you more determined to prove them wrong.

 

What would anyone do in my situation? Or has anyone perhaps been in a similar situation?

 

I do plan on leaving at some point as soon as I'm able to support myself financially, but I don't want to have to leave prematurely due to my irritant friend.

Edited August 30, 2019 by seany25

[preraph]

Oh, he's one of those obnoxious "only joking" guys who says insulting things and then tries to pass it off as YOU lack a sense of humor, so the double put-down. So he's insulting and then gaslighting you. You might look up gaslighting and see if you can find some techniques for making it backfire on him.

 

Meanwhile, I would stop being friendly to him. He's a jerk who simply likes to put down other people in order to build himself up and make himself feel superior. It's their own low self-esteem.

 

Here's on article I only glanced at that has some ideas.

https://socialpronow.com/blog/how-to-always-have-the-upper-hand-on-someone-who-try-to-dominate-you/

 

Here's another. https://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-People-Who-Put-You-Down

 

And you might send him this Psychology Today article and tell him you're sorry he has low self-esteem and feels the need to try to bring others down to his level.

[seany25]

Yea, he's one of those guys.

 

He's also one of those guys who is really nice one-on-one but then out comes the clown act in front of a crowd. He gossips a lot too.

 

Basically, I've outgrown all this kind of BS and although I'm a very funny guy myself, I don't need to behave like an idiot or say stupid things in order to get reactions. I also refuse to "compete" with other people, such as my friend, in order to get airtime in front of people.

 

Thanks for the links, they've given me things to consider, and also ideas on what to look for further.

[preraph]

He can't be trusted on any level. Undermining you at work is serious enough. I had a friend who did that to me once when she and I saw some colleagues while out not at work and it really made me mad. She was a total attention hog. She would say or do anything to get people focused on her, including undermining her best friend in a situation when she had no idea what the politics of it were. Not cool.

[preraph]

While thinking about one of the things in those articles, it reminded me of a somewhat similar situation at work.

 

There was a relatively new woman who was in her 30s but had been a cheerleader and that was her whole identity. It was really just sad. She had to be the center of attention. She wanted people focused on her so badly that one day she started doing cartwheels and jumps (cheerleader) right there in the middle of where people were working. I mean, she was desperate for attention.

 

So one day 4 of us workers were in a tight circle standing up talking business, having a small meeting, actually, and she comes bouncing up and literally bounces into the center of the four of us to be part of whatever we were talking about. It was a beautiful thing because all four of us (mixed males and females) had the exact same reaction, which was we all stopped talking and just looked at her without smiling, not saying a word. It was very awkward for her. We basically shut down the conversation and just clammed up and froze her out. I think the floor manager finally said, Yeah, we were kind of in the middle of a meeting. She never tried that again.

 

I think one of the tips in one of those articles says to just look at them and not react. I will just tell you that did work.

 

I see I forgot to post the Psychology Today link up there. Here it is. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-human-beast/201611/the-psychology-insults

Edited August 30, 2019 by preraph

[Mr. Lucky]

Yea, he's one of those guys.

 

Every office of sufficient size seems to have one of these guys. And, at least in my experience, no one takes him or the things he says seriously. He's also never a candidate for advancement or promotion as he fails almost every leadership criteria.

 

You'd be wise to distance yourself from any remaining friendship. Being seen as in his circle isn't a career fasttrack...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LivingWaterPlease]

She wanted people focused on her so badly that one day she started doing cartwheels and jumps (cheerleader) right there in the middle of where people were working.

 

Thanks for a great laugh, preraph! That's hilarious!

 

IDK but think folks like this and the one OP posted about are just either immature, clueless, or both.

 

Consider the source, OP. Like Mr. Lucky says, most other people pretty much do (consider the source).

[ChatroomHero]

He's not going to change but you can put him off a bit by not buying in. Like if he is joking about your business, respond to him deadpan serious, "What do you mean? Do you think the business model is off? Do you think the ROI is too poor in that line of business to consider?". When he responds he is joking or makes another joke about you not "getting the joke", just continue with something like, "No, I'm serious. My analysis said it fit a consumer need pretty well. I would love to hear data you have counter if you've researched it, or if you have ideas to keep my costs down, maybe we can schedule a lunch". Basically you verbally ignore his 'jokes' and put it back on him to save face from a dumb joke and he will get that you are annoyed and people around are too.

 

Obviously it is passive aggressive but will throw him off and paint him in a corner and embarrass him a bit without having to go off on him. Stay serious and don't crack and it will end the jokes pretty quickly. Do it a couple times in a row when he starts and he'll stop pretty quickly.

 

You basically call him out in front of people for being lame as hell without actually directly calling him out. Just a thought.

[preraph]

Thanks for a great laugh, preraph! That's hilarious!

 

IDK but think folks like this and the one OP posted about are just either immature, clueless, or both.

 

Consider the source, OP. Like Mr. Lucky says, most other people pretty much do (consider the source).

 

I've got another story about her (call her Susan) and her needing to be the center of attention. She has been with the same guy for a long time, her fiance, but she cheats on him. I know this because she cheated with my boss.

 

Her best friend also worked there very briefly. She was very good looking, like Cindi Crawford, but she didn't last long, didn't really want to work. Neither of them did.

 

Anyway, her friend was about to get married on one of those weddings where everyone goes to some tropical place. Well, over time this ate at Susan. She sat by me and it just got more and more intense. She was very jealous that Cindi was going to be getting all the attention in the coming weeks. I could see her getting more frantic as the time neared. I predicted this would happen, to myself, and it did. She got herself pregnant so that she could ruin Cindi's wedding by announcing it at her wedding and take the spotlight from her. I could see her simple little wheels turning. With friends like that, who needs enemies? She'd been putting off her fiance for a long time because she was obviously bored with him and cheating around. Ugh.

 

The other thing she did for attention is she had a skunk. It was hairless from the stress of being domesticated and she had it strictly to get attention, but now it had become negative attention since it clearly wasn't happy and being properly cared for, so she turned it over to her fiance.

[Marc878]

Distance yourself. Keep it strictly business only.

 

There is such a thing as "guilt by association". You don't need that.

[Fekenaws]

Don't sweat it bro. Organize your resume and start putting out your feelers for that new job. There is usually one person at every job that grinds your gears

[preraph]

Distance yourself. Keep it strictly business only.

 

There is such a thing as "guilt by association". You don't need that.

 

Yeah, you don't want your coworkers lumping you together as Dumb and Dumber.

[spiderowl]

Does he do this to everyone or is it mostly directed at you?

 

If you find it is mostly directed at particular people, then I would guess it is either because:

 

- they are vulnerable in some way and he feels he can get away with it (in other words he's a bully)

 

- he is jealous of them.

 

Whatever the motivation, it is annoying and immature. I doubt he will change.

 

Though, having said that, I did once have outstanding success with a young man when I was doing social work. This young man was doing his level best to insult me and wind me up when I was busy looking after several other teenagers too. I thought he might be seeking attention but it certainly was annoying. I decided to take a positive approach to try and turn this into something better. I said something like 'XXXX you can be really annoying at times but I have heard you put forward some brilliant creative ideas'. He looked a bit stunned at the time and did not say anything. Later on, he was brilliant, so helpful and really chatted to me in an open and friendly way. We had a much better relationship from then onwards and he actually offered to help me at times! I think he had just had so many negative messages in the past that he was happy that someone could see potential in him. On the other hand, it could just have been luck!

 

Maybe you could focus on this guy's positive traits and see what happens? If things do not improve, you have no obligation to be his friend.

[preraph]

Yes, sometimes it's their low self-esteem. But sometimes they picked up being a jerk from someone growing up.

[Watercolors]

@seany25:

 

To keep your position at your worplace secure, I suggest not reacting anymore to your work friend's behavior as long as it doesn't sabotage your work role's responsibilities.

 

But, if your work friend's actions to undermine you are sabotaging your work performance then you need to speak up to your work supervisor about it. Document his undermining (evidence of email messages that undermine you, that you are either cc'd on, or sent directly to you, for example). Then, take that evidence to your work supervisor.

 

But what the others suggested of ignoring him, I 100% agree with. As long as his clowning around doesn't sabotage your work role or the tasks you need to accomplish, just ignore him completely. Don't talk to him, don't encourage him. Just robot face whenever he's around. You have to shut him down and the best way is to ignore him. He's looking for a reaction. Don't give him one.