MoonageDaydream Posted August 28, 2019 Posted August 28, 2019 I've been friends and schoolmates with this guy for over a year. We became quite close recently after he got out of a LTR that's been dead for years. One night he told me he liked me and wanted to ask me out, and we've been dating since then. He told me he's been in love with me for a while and intends to have a LTR with me, to which I told him that I also see myself with him long term but I want us to take it slow before making things official because I have to work on my trust issues first. I've never been in a proper relationship before because it has always been casual dating and FWBs (sometimes with me getting attached and ending up hurt and manipulated). I witnessed my parents' abusive relationship as a kid up to its eventual breakdown in my teenage years. He's been nothing but kind, patient, understanding, affectionate, and consistent every day, even when I opened up to him I was scared I might be a rebound. It's VERY overwhelming for me to be treated well by a guy for the first time in my 23 years of existence. The problem is, I can't shake off the thoughts that there MUST be something off with him since he's so loving all the time, or that he's only infatuated. I'm always scared that he'll cheat on me. I got especially triggered because of two things: 1) It's happened 2 times that he brings his phone to the bathroom when we're together. Maybe it's more, but I haven't observed much. 2) He doesn't hide his phone screen from me but there'll be times when he'd suddenly lift it up nearer to his face or hold it at a certain angle away from me. Except for those instances, I've never been suspicious. It's honestly making me want to call it quits but I don't want to talk to him about it anytime soon since he's been very busy and stressed lately. Am I being unreasonably mistrustful or is this a legitimate red flag??
The Outlaw Posted August 29, 2019 Posted August 29, 2019 It isn't unreasonable at all, but sometimes you have to cast any fear or doubt to the side and be willing take a chance. Trusting when you've been hurt isn't ever easy, because I've dealt with it myself and I'm still dealing with it. But just because you've been hurt in the past doesn't mean you will be in the future. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith.
smackie9 Posted August 29, 2019 Posted August 29, 2019 You know what...people like having their privacy, and it doesn't mean they are up to no good. You already told him about your trust issues, so I can see he probably doesn't want you to get into the habit of looking at his phone, questioning everything. It would piss me off too if I was dating someone who had that habit. There are never any guarantees when it comes to relationships. Sure he could be great, and even breakup happen without there being issues. So sit back and relax. If bad s^%$ happens oh well that's just life.
Gaeta Posted August 29, 2019 Posted August 29, 2019 You are really exagerating. Let the man have some privacy. My BF brings his phone to the washroom all the time and it never-ever crossed my mind he was having secret conversations because of that. If I had to take a bet he's looking at sports news. If your boyfriend cheats then he will. You cannot control him into not cheating on you. Let life happen, and face problems when they actually happen. Live in the present an stop hurting over things from the past, or things that may never happen. 1
Flame Aura Posted August 29, 2019 Posted August 29, 2019 Yes you are being unreasonably mistrustful. I take my phone with me every single time I go to sit on the toilet to play a game or something. If you can't trust someone right at the start of a relationship when there is a clean slate then you are not ready to be in a serious relationship. If you carry on with these thoughts and let it effect the relationship then you will push him further and further until he has enough. 3
schlumpy Posted August 29, 2019 Posted August 29, 2019 I'm really surprised that you are sensitive to him bringing the phone into the bathroom with him. I see people with their nose stuck in a phone in every conceivable situation there is. Last week there was the young woman walking her dog except she was busy on the phone so I suspect the dog was actually walking her. If you are under 40 what you described is normal not aberrant behavior. If you are worried when he tilts the phone away from you ask him about it. Better you find out now that he's placing bets on sports games then later when he cleans out checking account. 1
Maddie82 Posted August 29, 2019 Posted August 29, 2019 I agree with others that you are being unreasonable. My husband sometimes takes his phone to the bathroom when hes reading the news or sports fixtures. I take my phone to the bathroom when i'm playing games on it. Your boyfriend looking a little closer at his screen is not an incident. For his sake though maybe you should call it quits. Your issues are going to grate on you to the point where its going to take its toll on him and drive a wedge between you anyway.
gradh Posted August 29, 2019 Posted August 29, 2019 I'd be more worried about the phone getting germs on it if he is using it in the bathroom. LOL But in all seriousness, you are right to want to go slowly with him. If he's willing to wait a bit for you to catch up in the trust department he's a catch. If he's not, he wasn't worth trusting in the first place. In the meantime, do some work on yourself. You are young, so young and you have your whole life in front of you. You need to teach yourself how to trust other people without giving your entire self over to them. Find a good balance. Some therapy might help you in this regard. Good luck!!!! 1
Lotsgoingon Posted August 29, 2019 Posted August 29, 2019 Sometimes people with insecurities ... have real reasons for feeling insecure. Make sure this is someone YOU want, badly want, to date ... It's very easy to get involved with someone who's good and kind and on paper seems really a good fit ... but who for whatever reason doesn't make us feel comfortable. Trust the hesitation ... Don't rush past it ... Accept where you are right now ... and see if you can work through it ... If you can't, you might not really be into this guy or you might not be ready to date and may want to work on yourself a bit more. Do Not assume you are sabotaging the relationship. That's prejudging what's going on.
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 29, 2019 Posted August 29, 2019 You say you have trust issues and that "you're working on your trust issues". How exactly are you doing this? Because acknowledging that you have trust issues, or any issues really, is one thing but actually and actively working through those issues so you can get past them where they don't rule you life is another thing. I'm curious what you're doing to heal yourself if anything at all.
boymommy Posted August 29, 2019 Posted August 29, 2019 You sound a lot like my how my boyfriend acted when I first met him. I was really loving and consistent and he’d been in lots of bad relationships. He was honest about his trust issues and over time (combined with my patience, love, understanding, and very strong communication skills) he came to not only trust me, but we have developed a really strong emotional connection and a very deep love and bond with one another. My advice is don't give up on him. People take their phone into the bathroom to browse the internet! I do it and so does my boyfriend. When you feel insecure challenge those thoughts with facts..look at his actions and let those counteract the insecurities in your head.
kendahke Posted August 30, 2019 Posted August 30, 2019 People are entitled to maintain their privacy without a distrustful person trying to work out past issues with their ex's on the new partner. To me, that tells me there is some unrelated, unresolved emotional trauma that you're holding onto instead of getting into therapy and pulling out by the root the behaviors that lead you further from what it is you say you want the most out of relationships. It may be that emotionally, you're not ready to be in a relationship and that's why this problem is surfacing. You need a therapist more than you need a boyfriend right now.
gaius Posted August 31, 2019 Posted August 31, 2019 You're not that into him so you're looking for any excuse to get out. Just because you're naturally attracted to guys who treat you like dirt doesn't mean you have to settle for the first boring nice guy who comes along just to be healthy. Maybe a healthier mix instead, like a guy who doesn't cheat on you but still treats you with mild disdain.
Maggiemay1 Posted August 31, 2019 Posted August 31, 2019 The problem is, I can't shake off the thoughts that there MUST be something off with him since he's so loving all the time, or that he's only infatuated. I'm always scared that he'll cheat on me. I got especially triggered because of two things: 1) It's happened 2 times that he brings his phone to the bathroom when we're together. Maybe it's more, but I haven't observed much. 2) He doesn't hide his phone screen from me but there'll be times when he'd suddenly lift it up nearer to his face or hold it at a certain angle away from me. You say it’s twice that he brought his phone to the bathroom but that it could be more since you haven’t “observed” much. I highly doubt you haven’t observed given your mistrust so I’m going with twice. I personally do think it’s odd that someone brings their phone to the bathroom especially a guy since he has only one hand free whilst peeing lol My guess is that all the above posters that say they bring their phone to the bathroom , just do so when having a dump. So, was your bf having a dump on those 2 occasions ? Lol As for lifting his phone nearer to his face or at an angle , that could be to do with the lighting at the time or any number of reasons. You say he is treating you well. Go with that. You are not treating him well by being suspicious of random things. You either trust or you don’t. You can start now by trusting him , or keep mistrusting him and the relationship WILL fail. If you place trust in him and he subsequently cheats , it would have happened with or without your trust.
elaine567 Posted August 31, 2019 Posted August 31, 2019 He told me he's been in love with me for a while and intends to have a LTR with me, to which I told him that I also see myself with him long term but I want us to take it slow before making things official because I have to work on my trust issues first. I've never been in a proper relationship before because it has always been casual dating and FWBs (sometimes with me getting attached and ending up hurt and manipulated). Whilst you are going slow and not making it official, he will be getting tired of being with someone so non committal and will start looking elsewhere. When will you fix these trust issues? What are you doing to fix these trust issues? Official is no big deal really, you are not promising to marry him, there is no divorce if it doesn't work out... 1
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