I'm overwhelmed with this situation

[Sector]

Thank you for taking your time and reading this. This is really is challenging me right now and not knowing how things are, makes me feel sick.

Last weekend I had a wonderful 'date' with a girl I really fell for. She came by train and stayed for the whole day, so I showed her around my city as I promised her in advance. We met through a dating app and met twice before. In January I told her that I developed feelings for her, but she used our distance (125 miles) to softly reject me ,I guess. I offered her to stay friends, because I thought the feelings would go away when not seeing her and she gladly agreed.

 

During this half of a year we casually texted and had pretty long conversations, where she genuinly seemed interested in my life as well. Some of her texts gave me some mixed signals, just be the used phrasing. When she hit me up the last time, she wanted to visit me for the first time in my town - I took it as a good signal. This was last weekend.

When we had a cup of tea, I braced up myself and asked her if she is interested in me. She smiled, but she couldn't give me an answer and said to answer this, we would've to spend more time together, she does not want to lose me. I offered her to do more something together and I also told her that I'm still hoping and that I don't want to abuse this friendship by having ulterior motives (this was the reason why she was afraid of losing me). She even asked why there only 2 options now. She wondered if I had other girls in this half year and I was honest, that I met a few to move on but I didn’t work in the end. This was a pretty emotional conversation for me and she took credit of it. In fact it was so emotional, I can't even remember what we even talked during it. I asked her if its only the distance, but I don't remember what she replied to it. Afterwards we continued just as delighted as our day was before, like nothing has happened.

When I accompanied her to the train station in the evening, we hugged twice and she handed me a birthday present and a personal letter. I asked her if we would see us again and she answered it with a smile saying: 'Yes, I think so'

On the same evening I opened the letter were she told me to always stay as I am, that I'm a great person and that she is really glad, that we managed to stay friends over distance and hopes we do it in the future as well. She wrote that she is super happy and excited to spend the day with me in my town. This letter really touched me...

 

 

This evening I was troubled. I thought I destroyed this great day and everything with her just by being honest to her and talk to her about my still present feelings. I thought she now would distance herself and even won't text me anymore. I was devastated and even had to make a list of positive things (called me gentleman, shared food, want to lend me her jacket when I told her that it was cold, had physical contact, asked me many things about me, wanted to stay updated regarding my life, she payed for the meal!, shared an umbrella with her, etc.) that happend, just to convince myself, that this day was a success. In the same night, to my surprise, she texted me when she'd arrive safely at home, just as I told her to do so. She thanked me for the wonderful day and genuinely enjoyed the time with me. I told her, that this day and in particular our time together would remain a beautiful memory for me. She thought this is me saying fairwell to her and was worried. When I denied this she was relieved.

 

Two days after, she congratulated me for my birthday. She even recognized that I changed my WhatsApp profile picture and mentioned how attractive I am. Our text messages were rather long as we discussed some things too. During our date she even mentioned how I positively changed my body to look more athletic. I even tried to weaken her compliment, but she emphasized it even more. . It was getting late and wished her a good night. When I was already asleep she again emphasized the compliment and wished me a good birthday-night. This conversation was like the biggest birthday present to me.

The next day I felt like I shouldn't leave her message unanswered but wanted to 'end' the conversation gracefully as I and she as well, have to work throughout the week. So I just texted a simple 'You're sweet. Have a nice day'.

 

My message remained unread until now. This has happened before quite a few times, she started working this week, moves out right now from her parents home and perhaps its her just her way of communication without letting much interpreting into it, but right now after all this and the texts it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't know, but it felt like our tea conversation made her thinking and it might work out now. The unexpected compliments were another thing which let my hopes go high, but this one unread message (even though there is much she can reply to) lets me fall into a depression again and let me question, if she is interested or not.

 

Some female friends told that she just needs time and she might don‘t even know what she wants right now. I’d like to stay positive, yet I don‘t know what to believe.

Edited August 28, 2019 by Sector

[FMW]

She hasn't counted you out as a possibility, but she's not showing a high level of romantic interest. She likes you personally and enjoys contact with you. It is possible she will develop more romantic interest over time.

 

But I strongly urge you not to count on that. Most of the time if someone is interested in that way it is apparent early on. So the odds are against her returning your interest in any meaningful way.

 

Match her efforts in reaching out, don't pursue her beyond that. Remain open to meeting and dating other women.

[Johnjohnson2017]

What is your body type? Have you been working out the past year?

 

I like her compliment :"During our date she even mentioned how I positively changed my body to look more athletic"

 

She might be finding herself more attracted to you this time around compared to last year. Don't give up yet.

Edited August 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[scooby-philly]

I totally agree with the first poster. People express interest in what they desire. People make time for who they want. People prioritize what they want.

 

When you find yourself in this sort of situation, it's time to calmly look back and analyze. Don't over read or over analyze things too too much. But recognize she might be trying to keep you as a friend or she could be interested in you but there's something in her psyche that's blocking her. Could be because she's not used to being attracted to your type of personality before now, could be she's got other mental blocks - family, work, educational priorities, - that she can't clear out of her mind. Whatever it is, she's not shown real desire to be with you.

 

As findingmyway said - don't outmatch her communication/commitment and keep moving on/forward.

[Sector]

What is your body type? Have you been working out the past year?

 

I like her compliment :"During our date she even mentioned how I positively changed my body to look more athletic"

 

She might be finding herself more attracted to you this time around compared to last year. Don't give up yet.

 

She is not aware of this, but she and her rejection due the distance in the first was is the reason why I changed my body. I hit the gym 5 times a week and got V shaped with quite some defined muscles. I definitely changed and lost some weight in the face too.

 

I was happy that she recognized it and adressed it verbally and through text afterwards.

 

I totally with the first poster. People express interest in what they desire. People make time for who they want. People prioritize what they want.

 

When you find yourself in this sort of situation, it's time to calmly look back and analyze. Don't over read or over analyze things too too much. But recognize she might be trying to keep you as a friend or she could be interested in you but there's something in her psyche that's blocking her. Could be because she's not used to being attracted to your type of personality before now, could be she's got other mental blocks - family, work, educational priorities, - that she can't clear out of her mind. Whatever it is, she's not shown real desire to be with you.

 

As findingmyway said - don't outmatch her communication/commitment and keep moving on/forward.

 

According to her she was in a toxic relationship before, perhaps she has trust issues. The distance is another thing, but that‘s nothing what has to remain unchanged. I told her I‘d be open to try and do something together more often.

A friend told me she might even don‘t believe, that I‘m this genuinelly caring gor her and she might thinks that I‘m acting.

I don‘t know, but I‘ll be open for anything and will communicating in the same pace as her. Perhaps she even suggests another meeting again soon, because this last meeting was her idea.

[smackie9]

PULL BACK! OK you have put it out there, now go back to being laid back, nonchalant, like the conversation never happened, guy. You need to stop obsessing over this...this cannot, you must not, make this your whole world or you will blow it. Women like a little mystery, like to make the effort to get a guy's attention...stop doing all the chasing!

Tip: text messages don't always need a response so RELAX. Her not looking at it is her way of saying "WHOA! slow down there buddy!" Baby steps my friend, baby steps.

 

 

 

Tuck those feelings down for you are not in a relationship. If you get too far ahead, then everything becomes out of balance and it gets awkward..things will just fall apart.

 

 

She noticed right away that you have been focusing on yourself, working out....that is key. She doesn't want you all googlie eyed on her...have some independence.

Edited August 28, 2019 by smackie9

[schlumpy]

What is it that you two have in common? Are you interested in the same profession? Are you both gamers? Do you like to ride bicycles or jog? Does she play chess? How about intellectual conversations? What other then physical charms is attracting you?

[Sector]

PULL BACK! OK you have put it out there, now go back to being laid back, nonchalant, like the conversation never happened, guy. You need to stop obsessing over this...this cannot, you must not, make this your whole world or you will blow it. Women like a little mystery, like to make the effort to get a guy's attention...stop doing all the chasing!

Tip: text messages don't always need a response so RELAX. Her not looking at it is her way of saying "WHOA! slow down there buddy!" Baby steps my friend, baby steps.

 

Tuck those feelings down for you are not in a relationship. If you get too far ahead, then everything becomes out of balance and it gets awkward..things will just fall apart.

 

She noticed right away that you have been focusing on yourself, working out....that is key. She doesn't want you all googlie eyed on her...have some independence.

 

That was my plan. I want her to reach out again. The thing is she gifted me a book for my birthday and I told her I‘ll read after my vacation in two weeks. She told me she already is spoiling for my opinion. Is reaching out to her when I finished reading it a bad idea?

 

What is it that you two have in common? Are you interested in the same profession? Are you both gamers? Do you like to ride bicycles or jog? Does she play chess? How about intellectual conversations? What other then physical charms is attracting you?

 

It is our burning passion for literature and books in general. We regulary discuss what we read at the moment and recommend each other some writings. I used to live in her city for some time a few years ago as well, so I know whats going on there. She accepted my invitation for a Star Wars concert back then, so she is in my good books too.

What makes me attracted to her is the way she is around me and the way she phrases her sentences. She seems to be interested in my life and is some kind of girly. I like how she easily gets embarrassed and how she talks. She doesn‘t booze and appears to be modest.

As stupid as it sounds, but the moment I fell for her was when I was about leave for driving for 2 hours back home from our first date in her city and she said I should text her when I came home safely. Nobody else cared this much before about me. Over time I discovered more and more I like about her.

[smackie9]

Yes of course let her know how you enjoyed the book. It would be rude not to.

[Flame Aura]

Reading the first post and well sorry but she is not interested. You have fallen straight into the friendzone. Stop wasting your time on her.

[schlumpy]

It is our burning passion for literature and books in general. We regulary discuss what we read at the moment and recommend each other some writings. I used to live in her city for some time a few years ago as well, so I know whats going on there. She accepted my invitation for a Star Wars concert back then, so she is in my good books too.

What makes me attracted to her is the way she is around me and the way she phrases her sentences. She seems to be interested in my life and is some kind of girly. I like how she easily gets embarrassed and how she talks. She doesn‘t booze and appears to be modest.

As stupid as it sounds, but the moment I fell for her was when I was about leave for driving for 2 hours back home from our first date in her city and she said I should text her when I came home safely. Nobody else cared this much before about me. Over time I discovered more and more I like about her.

 

What a nice soliloquy - poetic in nature. I like it. It's been quite a while since I was taken to cloud land.

 

You are fortunate in that you have a friend that shares an intense interest but I think you are conflating your passion for literature with her romantic interest in you. This happens quite often with people who do a project together. The very process of translating ideas into some physical form creates a lot of exciting and close personal interaction that allows people to transfer enthusiasm for something they love to do to someone they want to love. They come to believe they know each other, but they don't. They only know each other through one facet of their lives.

 

This, I believe is where you are.

 

I know it feels different but the test is taking the risk of telling her you love her and risking the resulting rejection and the loss of a friend to share your interests with. I would rather keep her as a friend. It's not often that you find people that you can open up to about what interests you and know that your opinion is respected.

 

I don't think it's enough to base a solid romantic relationship on.

 

So you have a choice to make. You keep her as a friend that satisfies your intellectual curiosity or you try and make her your lover with the with subsequent risk of losing both.

 

Even if you succeed, I would still expect to lose the book club aspect of your life. A romantic relationship will change everything.

 

My advice is to pull back your feelings. Keep up your book discussions but find someone else that doesn't drink and is easily embarrassed. The best of both worlds.

[Noproblem]

I feel or fear that you will get attached and your heart will shatter to small pieces if you keep this up

[IslandSanctuary]

I've been there man. In almost all instances, romantic interest strikes like lightning and is intense from the get go.

This 'friendship' you have with this woman is only damaging to you - something women do not understand. It probably wont go anywhere, and do you really want to spend energy on a woman that isn't sure about you - do you really want to end up with a woman that gave you this energy?

I'd be pleasant to her - but I'd not waste much more time on her, nor would I ever see her as more than a 'friend'(casual annoying acquaintance that i'd continually back off from).

I work hard and pour my energy into my relationship with my partner and my family. I have a few good old friends but I dont even have much time for them anymore. That is the reality of life. How much time doing what with this woman constitutes a 'friendship'? How often do you talk to your mother or your best guy friend? Dont give away your resources for free.

I would block her from my mind and move on, plenty of genuine nice women out there that want to pursue the idea of a relationship. Lingering on the wrong type of women or women that make you feel bad(Out of some misguided uneducated idea it's morally better to be friends than pursue a relationship) only makes you bitter and resentful.

"Sorry my intentions with you were purely romantic, I think spending time with you otherwise would be unhealthy for me." There is nothing wrong with saying this and pursuing a relationship with someone isnt morally 'worse' than pursuing a friendship. You make your own rules.

[preraph]

She's already told you the limits of her interest in you. No point reading into everything.