What’s happened to my relationship?

[catherine1]

Hi,

 

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 and a half years now. We are usually happy and like the best of friends as well as partners. However, the past few weeks are proving difficult. It started when I took something he said the wrong way and we had a very small tiff. The thing is I tend to repeat things in my head and the issue dragged out a little longer than it should have. Both parities apologised and we moved on.

 

However, since then he has been snappy and impatient. On one occasion I got upset and told him it upset me that he was snapping over nothing. He later apologised. Over the weekend we had a few days out together, but I thought his behaviour was a little snappy again, so I made a joke about it. Later he said “you said I was being angry again”. The next day we were discussing an old holiday and how we didn’t get a picture next to famous landmark, I joking said “I got one, I think you may have wandered off”. He seemed to get sensitive over this, I could just sense he was thinking.

 

We are usually great, but these niggles I worry will eventually kill the love we have for each other. I’m not confrontational or argumentative, and nor is he usually. Yesterday we went out for a big walk and dinner, but since this “angry” thing he has started to look at other women more. I have seen him do this in the past, but then once we were committed he’s had more respect and usually I’m the only one he has eyes for.

 

I just hate him looking at other women because of our niggles. I want my relationship back, and the man who only had eyes for me back.

 

Thank you

[catherine1]

Might I add, he’s still doing sweet things for me, like last night he came in with a big box of chocolates. I’m trying to praise him more and not focus on calling him angry. I just feel like I have to stay silent or like I’m walking on egg shells incase he reacts and it starts a niggle. I’m going to try and ignore any impatience or ratty ways, he seems to get upset if I call him out on it. Yet I also don’t want to be a door mat and I need to call him out/stand up for myself

[Ruby Slippers]

You can only control yourself. Stop the negative criticisms and the negative thinking. Keep it positive and give it time.

[smackie9]

Obviously he's feeling insecure about something and he's doing it for attention. Giving him a reaction only enables this behavior. Maybe try a different approach....don't acknowledge his behavior, don't confront or challenge him. Just be all smiles, happy, look the other way when he's grumbling...in other words do the opposite from what you have been doing. My husband pulled a stunt on me while we were first dating. At a party he got a little insecure because I was socializing a lot and not clinging onto his arm. He walked off into the night in a huff....I just shrugged my shoulders and continued on with my night. I got a lot of respect from him after that night, that I don't play that game.

[scooby-philly]

Dear OP,

 

It sounds like something is bothering him (or feeling insecure about something as Smackie9 said).

 

What is the nature of your relationship? Do you live together? If not, how often do you see him?

 

If he's still doing sweet things for you then he's either doing it out of a sense of obligation (so you don't start something) or because he does care about you and he's waiting for you to find the right way to get him to talk. A lot of men don't like to talk about what's bothering them. We're conditioned by society to keep our problems to ourselves, to keep up a front of "I'm the man, I can do everything to support my significant other," etc., so with a lot of guys you need to find a way that lets him share w/o violating his sense of manhood.

 

He could very well be upset with something at work, with his family or a friend or something along those lines and he's just taking the anger/frustration out inappropriately. (Unfortunately he may be also reassessing the relationship in it's entirety - but that's just a small chance and you can't stop it if he is so don't worry) You're at 2.5 years - that's a decent amount of time and who knows what else is going on in his end.

 

Start with this - have you ever known him to have a problem and not talk about it? Did you try anything to get him to open up? If so, what was it?

[elaine567]

It started when I took something he said the wrong way and we had a very small tiff. The thing is I tend to repeat things in my head and the issue dragged out a little longer than it should have. Both parities apologised and we moved on.

What did he say and how did you take it?

[LivingWaterPlease]

OP, FWIW, I once heard that relationships are like bank accounts. You make deposits and withdrawals. I believe the example said that you need to put 20 deposits in to balance out one withdrawal to keep a healthy account.

 

That would be 20 compliments (not flatteries) to 1 criticism.

 

This is just something I've heard so not sure it's reliable but it does make sense to me.

 

Maybe get busy on looking for 20 positive things to say to him!

 

Would be interesting to try it and see how it goes!

 

Best of luck! You're a smart lady to get on this now before it goes too far, IMO!

[boymommy]

Sounds like a case of you being your own worst enemy here. Relax! The more negativity you think the more you will read into everything the guy does or says. Just let the past go and give him a clean slate. Think positivity. He is not perfect and you will not like everything he does. You can tell him how you feel in a healthy way if he does something big but try not to sweat the small stuff. In other words pick your battles. Enjoy your relationship and be happy!

[kendahke]

How exactly do you bring up these things that "niggle" you? Sometimes, it's all in HOW you say something, not necessarily that you're saying it.

 

Since you weren't on the receiving end of your criticism, you can't speak to how it came across. Granted, he needs to do more adulting and speak up and tell you exactly why what you said has bothered him to the degree it has, but you also need to pick up the adulting and stop sniping him and causing fights that bring about a behavior result you can't live with.

 

All actions have consequences--think things through before you utter them because some things you can't take back no matter how badly you need the relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

You use a lot of minimizing language, OP.

 

You describe "very small tiffs" and "niggles" and how the original issue "dragged out a bit longer".

 

I think it's time to get real with yourself, first and foremost, that these issues are not as small as you're trying to convince yourself. They are affecting you and the relationship, and it's okay to admit that. Fear often drives us to downplay the important stuff, because we're afraid of rocking the boat and making waves we can't later smooth over. But unless you and he honestly look at the relationship and whatever problems you're truly having, this won't get resolved. It doesn't serve you to gloss over things and pretend they aren't significant.

 

What was the original argument about?

[schlumpy]

My dear Catherine.

 

Your relationship has reached a peak and this is a re-evaluation period as to whether it takes that leap to the next stage.

 

All of the previous rough edges in your relationship that were ignored or were put-aside are now coming to the surface. If you are both aware of what is happening you can use some emotional sandpaper to smooth them out. What you have in common must be stronger than your differences. It's up to the two of you figure out how to deal with this. If you don't, you will drift apart.

 

That you are seeking advice is a very good sign on your part. I hope he cares as much as you do.

[OnlyHonesty]

All of this is ego. Only mutual self development will make any difference. Holding your tongue and praising him more will not matter. In fact, if the two of you take time out each day to meditate, eventually all of these issues would go away.