The ex sent dirty messages....

[TnT]

Hey all, I really need some advice. I am currently visiting my man in the USA. I have been here for almost a week now, and i hadnt seen him for 3 mths.

 

OK, so this is the story.... i am really upset about this situation and really dont know what to think. Ok, so i was looking at his phone the other day... (he didnt know about it) and read all these messages from his ex gf who lives here. I know they are friends, and i dont have any issues with that as i have an ex who i still talk to, and lets face it, who doesnt. Anyhow... there were a few dirty messages from her saying how she is touching herself thinking about him etc etc and another one saying that she wants to have sex with him, no qn's asked, no strings etc etc. Now, IMO, i dont think this is right. There were no messages in his outbox, so i have no idea if he replied or not.

I spoke to him about these messages and his first reaction was "y are u going through my phone" well... if he had nothing to hide, y would he care? I know its an invasion of privacy etc etc, however i had reason to do it.

So, he tells me that nothing is going on with them, and he has never cheated on me. I believe him about that, but i still dont know what to think about this ex gf. He told me "Thats just (ex's name) being herself"

 

So... i dont know what to do. The reason i went through his messages was cos the night before we were chillin together and i was looking at his photos on his phone (so he was there and knew about it) and there was a photo of her and a few other pics of 2 naked girls on a bed. Well, u can imagine how i reacted to this... he told me that one of his friends had sex with these 2 girls, and he was downstairs watching the footy and his friend was the one who took the pics cos his phone was in the bedroom.

 

So... what is a girl to do? i believe that he has never cheated on me, so pls dont post that he has. I am sure he didnt... what i am concerned about is how i am to deal with this ex gf sending him dirty messages and stuff... its just annoying!!!! I dont feel threatened by her... she is the past, i am his future.... plus i am alot hotter...

 

Just thought i would throw a joke in to lighten up my situation... lol

 

Thanks guys, any advice is appreciated!!

[sami]

Good to think that way for the sanity and peace of your mind you'll continue to need I guess.

[TnT]

LOL...

Yeah thats it ey... and thats what my girls at home would be telling me...

 

We can be a little ... whats the word??... umm... full of ourselves...lol

[LucreziaBorgia]

Maybe he gets off on the attention and solicits/encourages it even if he doesn't plan on returning it? If you want to believe that he isn't cheating - and won't cheat on you, then you will have to stop torturing yourself by looking through his phone because as long as you give him the impression that you don't think what he is doing is cheating - or will lead to cheating, then he will see no reason to stop what he is doing, because after all... "he isn't cheating", right?

 

You are leaving yourself only a few choices - and by condoning this, your only choice really is to adapt to what he is doing (and continue to look the other way without any more snooping), or leave the relationship.

 

How to deal with the incoming female attention? By realizing that if you don't ask him to stop it, it won't stop and you are simply going to have to numb yourself to it.

[slubberdegullion]

It sounds like you're feeling really threatened by the ex's contacts with your man. I suppose if I were in your pumps I'd feel the same (though they probably wouldn't fit).

 

But rummaging through his messages without his consent is just plain wrong. Would you tolerate it if he went through your stuff without your knowledge? How would you feel about the invasion of privacy?

 

But if he's got nothing to hide, why should he worry?

 

He should worry because, by that action, you have shown him that you don't respect his space and the way he is living his life.

 

This isn't about the ex or her messages or the naughty pictures. It's about the level of trust that is growing between you. He needs to know that you can be trusted with his personal life, and you need to know that you can trust him.

[TnT]

OK, i agree with what u r saying about the trust thing, and like i said, i know its wrong... however... look at what i found!!! If the tables were turned, i know he would click it hard!!!

[LucreziaBorgia]

i know its wrong... however... look at what i found!!!

 

Don't go looking for things you know you will find and that will hurt you. Given the situation, and your condoning it - all that snooping through his stuff is going to accomplish is to hurt you, because it isn't going to stop. As long as you let him know that you don't consider this 'cheating or leading to cheating' and you condone it - then he will continue to do it.

 

If you have accepted this, then you need to stop looking through his stuff. He may not have any reason to hide this, but if you have let him know that what he is doing is ok - then you have no reason to snoop, either.

 

Seriously.. if this behavior bothers you - you need to be honest with him about it and stand up for what you want out of this relationship. If what you want is for him to stop, then TELL HIM THAT. Don't sit back, condone it and hope that he will out of the goodness of his heart stop what he is doing for your sake.

[slubberdegullion]

I don't disagree with you, TnT. My point is that the pictures or messages are a side issue; they're just the specifics, and the larger context is the trust issue that may have been damaged.

 

The three most important things in a relationship are:

1. Communication;
   
2. Communication; and,
   
3. Communication.

 

Talk to him. Tell him your feelings without being all clingy and teary (men hate that). Men often have trouble getting their words out when they get in situations like this, so cut him a little slack if he fumbles over his words, or his meanings can be taken in more than one way.

 

Good luck!

[slubberdegullion]

If what you want is for him to stop, then TELL HIM THAT. Don't sit back, condone it and hope that he will out of the goodness of his heart stop what he is doing for your sake.

 

LucreziaBorgia has it partially, but not completely, correct. Of course, I agree that you should tell him if these things bother you. Where I disagree is that he will stop it out of the goodness of his heart. From what I understand, it's the ex that's sending the emails, not him. He can't really stop anything if he's not doing anything to begin with. After all, anyone with an email can send an email to someone else without their consent. (Just look at the spam that comes into your email box!)

[sami]

It's not right to look into anyone else's things without his/her knowlege or permission. The trust has been broken and it's hard to repair. You'll continue to annoy each other until you eventually find a solution either way (live it or leave it)

[TnT]

OK, i get the part about the privacy... i know its not the right thing to do...

 

How would u guys have reacted?

 

BTW, they were sms, not emails..

[sami]

Angry, trespassed and violated to say the least.

[TnT]

I dont mean about the privacy thing. I think its a little diff when u r a woman, im talking about the sms's

[sami]

Well, it will all depend on what's really going on between the parties involved at the moment. Exs usually have their own courses. Like the hurricanes they are both unpredictable and very unprotectible/unprevertible. You may keep running, hiding but you are never 100% safe or sure.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He can't really stop anything if he's not doing anything to begin with.

 

Technically, he isn't doing anything wrong. His g/f has said she is ok with it. But, he could indeed stop this if he wanted to.

 

All he has to do is contact the ex and ask her to respect his privacy and his relationship and stop sending him stuff like that. Then, block her number and email and delete the texts and messages and pictures from his phone. Instead, he has the texts - and takes and keeps pics of other girls on his phone (with one of the lamest excuses I have ever heard for how the pics of the naked chicks got there).

 

Oh, he can stop it - but why would he? His g/f seems to have no problem with it, she compliantly and naively looks the other way, and accepts his 'explanations' so what possible motivation would he have to stop? Out of some inherent goodness of his heart when he sees how hurt his g/f is when she snoops through his stuff to find things she has already told him that were ok to do? Nah... this guy isn't going to cut off the incoming goodies if they are condoned by the g/f.

 

Technically... he isn't in the wrong. But... if this is indeed wrong for the g/f - then she needs to speak up and let him know exactly what she thinks of it and why she needs for it to stop.

[Topper]

I'm Not sure where to begin here. You dismiss your own actions in violating his privacy. You need to do something about that. Find away to make this up to him. You then say your not worried he would cheat because you are "hotter then the other woman" You may look better, then again she just might be a very wild and kinky woman that has fulfilled his wildest sexual fantasies. Think about this Haley Berry is one of the most beautiful woman in the world. Yet Both her now ex husbands cheated on her. I don't care how hot you think you are, there is always someone else who is hotter.

Lets see no trust, no communication and every little respect for each other, plus an out of control ego. Sounds like a healthy relationship to me . Whats the Problem again?

[TnT]

You then say your not worried he would cheat because you are "hotter then the other woman"

 

Pardon me, but if u read over what i wrote, u will find i said that out of humour to lighten up my situation.

[TnT]

Ok, so lets recap what has been said here.

 

I am upset about the fact he has messages on his phone from his ex gf. i am not happy about it. I didnt except his explination, but what am i ment to do? I told him how i feel about it... i cant make him do anything. If he knows what is right, he will delete them and tell her to back off.

 

LucreziaBorgia: I totally agree with the comment u made about him getting off on the attention. But how am i ment to stop that? and is it right to stop it?

 

I really appreciate everyones comments, but it seems to be like ppl having a stab at certain things i have written here. Where are all the ppl with a good perspective on both sides?

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. LucreziaBorgia: I totally agree with the comment u made about him getting off on the attention. But how am i ment to stop that? and is it right to stop it?

 

2. If he knows what is right, he will delete them and tell her to back off.

 

1. The only way to stop it, is to let him know what effect it is having on you and the relationship. You have to stop letting him know that you are ok with this, or even giving him the impression that you are ok with it.

 

2. If you think that it is wrong, and he is able to understand that what he is doing is wrong not necessarily for him, but for the relationship, then and only then will he be able to make the choice to put an end to it. As long as he gets the impression that what he is doing is right for himself and you reinforce this - he won't be able to see that it is wrong for your relationship.

 

I expect he gets quite a kick from the attention, and enjoys it greatly. Generally speaking, as long as someone enjoys something and they are told that it is ok for them to enjoy it - then they will continue to do so, and conveniently ignore any unspoken signs that it is not ok. He is going by what you say, not by what you aren't saying.

 

If you want this to end, you have to be straight with him about how it makes you feel, and by extension how it is putting a strain on your relationship. Then he can decide for himself whether what it "right" for him is worth the pain of how "wrong" this is for you and the relationship. He can't make a choice, if you aren't giving him one.

 

Be prepared though. Once you said everything was ok - he is going to try to hold you to that, simply to keep enjoying the benefits of that outside attention. People change, relationships change - and perceptions of things change along with them. Just be clear that just because you were ok with it at first, doesn't mean you are contractually bound to be ok with it for the duration of your relationship. Its definitely time for some re-evaluation.

[BUBBLIEBLONDE3]

I Don't Know What Your Standards Are For Moral Character, But I Wouldn't Like The Situation Either. I Would Hope He Would Put Your Relationship First. Anything That Could Harm It Or Cause Problems Should Be Talked Out And Together A Decision Made As What To Do. Perhaps He Should Ask His X To Stop Leaving Messages Like This, As She Knows She Does It To Cause Problems. How Would He Like It If It Were Your X Doing This? If She Didn't Stop Leaving Those Messages, It's Easy To Call Block Her. I Feel You 2 Need To Communicate Your Feelings And Find A Solution That Is Best For Your Relationship. Just An Honest Opinion. Best Of Luck!

[TnT]

Hey ppl,

Just thought i would give u guys an update on this situation. Since this all happened, we had a long discussion about what was going on, and a few things came out about the ex. Anyhow, he got me back for me looking at his phone, and got into my laptop and read all my emails while i was sleeping. What comes around goes around. I have nothing to hide, so he didnt find anything interesting, just alot of personal emails from my best friends.

So, needless to say, we are no longer together. A relationship like this, could never have lasted, which is a damn shame, cos when it was good with us, it was great. The love and passion we shared was the best, but when it was bad, it was terrible.

Anyhow, i am single once again, and it hurts to have to let go of what might have been a great relationship. We are still the best of friends, and im sure maybe one day i might c him again.

Thanks for listening guys, and thanks for all the help over this time period.