He's really gone this time

[SSE]

I had a date last Friday. It went well and at the end of the night he hugged me and tried to kiss me. I pulled back and didn’t let him kiss me. I couldn’t. It didn’t feel right to me. It was too soon. I admit everything has to go at a slow pace for me after my experience with MM. I don’t want to rush into things like I did with MM. I don’t want to be used anymore. Afterwards in my car I was thinking of MM. I started crying. I would have no problem with MM kissing me if I’m being honest. I don’t like that I still have this feeling. Even now that he’s gone. I know that he’s leaving me alone, but in my thoughts, he’s still there.

 

I miss him and our interaction. I know you’re going to say, what’s there about to miss, but I do. If he should come back divorced, I would give him a chance. I even searched LS to find threads of MM coming back (I really did… No harsh comments please). They exist, the MM that come back, even after more than 6 months of NC. But when I read those threads, they all said the same. The MM came back for more of the same, for the affair, not for a serious relationship. They were never divorced. I should be glad he stops contacting.

 

I know rationally I don’t have a future with MM, but even after almost 4 months of NC, he’s still in my heart. I’m not even mad at him. Not even after everything that he has said and done. I don't know why that's the case. He’s gone now, probably for forever, and although it’s the best thing for me, it makes me sad. Not happy. Sad. He’s gone. Someone I love(d) is gone.

 

When will those feelings go away? I don’t want to let go of my date, because he seems like a good guy so far, but MM is still in my mind and heart. I don’t want that, but it’s the truth. It’s very frustrating. Because I don’t want to be loving and thinking about someone who was never serious about me in the first place. Someone like that doesn’t deserve any thought. However, the reality is quite different

[BaileyB]

First things first, it’s ok to go on a date and not want to kiss him at the end of the date. Many people don’t want to kiss someone they don’t really know when they first meet that person. There is nothing “wrong” with that so let that worry go.

 

I personally don’t think you are ready to date yet, but since you have been out with a guy who you say is a good guy... my advice is this - if you enjoyed his company and you want to see him again, go out with him again. And, frame every date in this way - don’t compare him to MM, don’t worry about the future - if you enjoy spending time with him, go out with him again and have some fun together.

 

As for MM, your thoughts create your reality. If you don’t control your thoughts such that you continue to perseverate on him, to dream about the day that he comes back and you take him back... well, you will find it very difficult to move forward. That “loop” that runs in your head about MM and how much you miss him and how special he was for you - stop it. Engage in life, find something else to think about, and get busy living...

[mark clemson]

I like Bailey's advice above.

 

I think that the new guy being pretty good is triggering feelings, but for the time being you are still associating these kinds of feelings with the former MM. So unfortunately, for now the MM is be "brought up" by your brain as you are trying to move on. Not sure what you can do about this other than to give it time until you get past it.

 

Think it's positive that you are finding someone new (and that he's finding you). However it works out with this particular new guy it sounds like your prospects are quite good long term...

[PhoenixRising8]

I've been reading your thread and I've been pained when I do. It's so sad when someone so young is stuck in such a bad place.

 

I know you are in counselling but I want to kindly suggest that if you are focusing your energy on MM, you will stay stuck because MM is not the root of your issues, merely the symptom.

 

From what I remember your father is a negative factor in your life. Often we seek out those very similar to our opposite gender parent and if that first and primary opposite gender parent relationship was poor we find someone similar in an attempt to change the ending. Your MM has been negative and mean, much like your father. You hold on because you're hoping to change the ending of that story like you couldn't with your father. But you failed with MM also, not because of your deficiencies as much as their fatal flaws. You will move forward when you deal with root causes of your self esteem issues and those are not MM.

 

How do I know this? Because my own father was very unloving and unkind to me. Over the years I came to realize my xH was very similar but by the time my realization came to be, I was stuck until my xMM came along. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven because he was so different. Always kind, gentle and supportive. But like my father, he was a cheater and so while he wasn't overtly abusive, he was abusive covertly as proven by his ability to hurt 2 women at the same time and not worry about it too much so long as he was OK.

 

I believe I have now finally dealt with all my demons but it took years because I had to peel back the layers bit by bit. I'm hoping my post gives you the opportunity to explore and heal in much less time than it took me.

 

Said another way, deal with the source of your self esteem and self loathing (your father) and come to terms you are the victim of his bad parenting and not the cause, and you will feel much differently about yourself. You are subconsciously trying to prove to your father and yourself that you are worthy by wanting to be worthy to MM. Recognize this and come to terms with it and this will allow you to move forward in your life positively.

Edited September 22, 2019 by LilKatKat

[whichwayisup]

Forget dating. Focus on healing, grieving and finding "you" again. Reconnect with your women friends, they are the ones you need right now, not a man! Plus, you're so not ready to date or invest in someone else, even if he is a nice guy, it's not really fair to him (especially if he's into you) to continue dating if it's going no where.

[assertives]

Maybe you should start being abit more intentional about your healing and moving on. Searching on LS for examples of MMs who have returned is just the opposite. You are keeping that hope alive. Instead of doing that, you should perhaps search for threads where others have come out on the other end, and have moved on from their xMMs. Be intentional, everytime you catch yourself thinking about xMM, actively seek out a friend, go for a hike, listen to a podcast, run, whatever to distract yourself and take your mind of him.

 

Also, I once read somewhere that everytime you are tempted to compare someone to an ex (xMM in your case) remind yourself with a "but.." and fill it in with a negative. For e.g. the Titanic was the largest, fastest ship during its time.. BUT it hit an iceberg and sank. xMM was the only one I ever felt such a strong connection with.. BUT he is married and broke didn't keep his marriage vows, xMM was the only one I was ever attracted to.. BUT he was only using me and treated me like an afterthought.. etc etc etc.

 

I too think you are not ready to date or be in a relationship. I just had a close friend who ended things with a guy she was dating for a couple of months because he was not over his ex. He was constantly comparing her to his ex both consciously and unconsciously. Everything my friend did reminded him of his ex, from the way she talks, to her frequently travelled countries to which side of the bus she has the habit of sitting on. It was starting to get ridiculous.

 

I would suggest you take some time being alone, work on yourself and finding yourself before going out to date again. You need to be content with who you are on your own, before you find someone to share that with, and not let a relationship or lack thereof define your identity as a person.

[georgia girl]

I like Bailey’s advice but would add only one thing. Tell new guy that you are not ready for a relationship right now. Let him know that you want to be friends first, take things slowly and see where it goes.

 

While my story is a little different from yours, something similar happened to me. I was dating a single commitment phobe. While he wasn’t married, in a lot of ways it was just as bad. Hot/cold; love bombing/hard to reach. One day we were discussing getting married, the next day he was literally gone. It was also hard because I adored his family and could see myself being a part of it.

 

But I had to move on so a met a man on a dating website. He was a professional like me and was just coming out of a relationship. We decided together to do friends first. I couldn’t get commitment phobe out of my head but I enjoyed the hours every week/every other week that I spent with my new guy. It took a while but I fell in love. In fact, I couldn’t even tell you the day I fell in love but instead I could tell you the day it came rushing at me and I realized I had loved him very deeply for a long time. With hindsight, I think I hadn’t allowed myself to fall in love with my new guy because he was emotionally available to me and I was actually a closet commitment phobe myself. That’s why I had continued to chase and pine over old guy. He was unavailable and therefore “safe”.

 

The new guy? He’s my husband and like you are dreaming about, he is everything I have ever wanted and I have a life I could never have dreamed of. We simply have fun everyday. If it’s something as simple as a glass of wine as we cook together or spoiling our pet. It is a painfully mundane, simple and amazing life.

 

What I realize now is that my husband and I were so successful because we were true to ourselves. We didn’t rush in and waited until the feelings were genuine. We didn’t commit to the other without requesting that same commitment back. We both had boundaries and we negotiated our “terms of endearment” together, naturally and organically.

 

So I would say to give this a chance, expecting nothing and keeping it comfortable for yourself. Learn about yourself as you do this. Are you attracted to him? Do you find him funny? Arne you gracious and kind back? Are you making an effort that still feels good to you? Read a little bit about fear of commitment. And keep building an outside life so you don’t rely on one source - a partner - for happiness. It is what will make you a whole person so that you are happy and confident. And be prepared to walk away from new guy if it isn’t working.

 

You are doing so well. It doesn’t feel like it as you are still grieving but I now suspect you are grieving a fantasy. Welcome back to the land of the living! It’s going to be okay here.

[BlindsidedTwice]

Did you meet up with the badminton team? How did it go?

 

Are there any other activities or hobbies or exercise groups that you can get into?

[SSE]

Thanks for all your replies.

 

It was my birthday yesterday. Now I’m officially 29 (almost 30!!). I didn’t get a text from MM. I know he’s blocked, but all my blocked messages are diverted to a spam folder. I checked the spam folder. No messages. I wasn’t really surprised. Even when we were ‘on’, I didn’t get a text for my birthday. He always forgot. It hurt me every time. Even now it hurts when I know it’s actually a good thing.

 

It’s his birthday next week. I won’t send a text. But I imagine his wife will have a present for him. His kid will be glad it’s daddy’s birthday. He will be spoiled by them. He will enjoy happy family times. Like he did when we were still on. However, then I imagined things weren’t going so great. Now I realize things were going great probably then as well. It hurts thinking these things. I have nothing of that. No partner or kid that will spoil me. I cried on my birthday. I know he’s happy without me. I was nothing to him while he wasn’t to me. I don’t want to think these things, but I do. How can I stop thinking those things? It seems impossible to me. I’m hurting myself.

 

What makes this even more difficult for me, is that my younger brother’s girlfriend is staying with us regularly. I don’t like this. The happy couple is right there in my face. My younger brother, 23, is doing so great in life. He has a steady girlfriend and seems so happy with her. They are quite serious. I have nothing of that and I think you’re all right that I’m not ready for a new relationship. While I really want that. I had such a bad day yesterday, that I didn’t even say hello to her. My brother was mad and said that they both don’t like me. I now it wasn’t nice from me, but I just had enough of it. I had to be the cheerful and friendly girl at work when I feel like crying and then I had to be that girl also to her at home… It was too much for me yesterday. I admit I’m jealous. It’s not nice from me, I know. Should I apologize? They will be the only people I have when my parents are deceased. I don’t want them to hate me, because then I will be all alone. My worst nightmare.

 

I am so unhappy. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I doesn’t feel like I’m making progress to be honest. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want to be the fat girl without a boyfriend. I don’t want to grief MM anymore. I want to be normal for once. Have a boyfriend. Have sex. Starting my life.

 

I’m going to the gym with my mom. I checked the badminton team, but I was too late. There wasn’t any place for me this year. My dad says I don’t have to be so unhappy. I just have to pick one of the guys I’m dating and go and have a relationship with him. Then all my unhappiness and jealousy will disappear. I think it’s not that easy actually… Sorry, I feel like crying. Again.

[BaileyB]

Happy birthday. I’m sorry it was not a happy day. But yes, you owe your brother and his girlfriend an apology. You will not find happiness by making other people miserable.

 

I don’t want to think these things, but I do. How can I stop thinking those things? It seems impossible to me. I’m hurting myself.

 

You will stop this when perseverating on this man and these negative thoughts becomes more painful than letting go and gathering the courage to step out into the world to create the life that will bring you joy. You are not ready to stop wallowing I’m self pity yet - and that’s ok. Someday, you will have to let this go. It is a decision you make. It takes self determination and commitment.

 

My dad says I don’t have to be so unhappy. I just have to pick one of the guys I’m dating and go and have a relationship with him. Then all my unhappiness and jealousy will disappear. I think it’s not that easy actually…

 

Your dad is wrong. You don’t find happiness with a man or in a relationship. True happiness comes from within. If you are not happy and not emotionally well, you will bring that unhappiness to your relationship.

 

Right now, your purpose in life is not to find a boyfriend. It is to find your own strength, worth, and peace of mind. Life has a way of teaching us the same lesson until we learn them...

[mark clemson]

Progress takes time. Think you recognize that, but agree it isn't easy.

 

Consider telling your brother your sorry but you're feeling out of sorts these days. You don't have to explain why IMO but it may help that he knows you're having some emotional difficulties at the moment.

 

Recognize that a year from now you'll very likely be in a new relationship or be working at starting one with many good prospects. All this current stuff should very much be in the rear view mirror by then.

[SSE]

I miss him. I don’t want to miss him, but I do. It hurts. It literally hurts my heart. My therapist explained it nicely how I feel: MM has left a void inside you, a deep and painful void. Your heart longs for him so that void can be filled, but you must stop that urge. Filling the void with MM would destroy you. You can’t go back to that. She’s right. And I don’t want to go back to that. But I also want this painful feeling gone. I have this feeling already for 3 years (by my own doing, I know). Now MM is gone. I want it to stop. I want to stop crying. I want to stop caring. It’s been enough.

 

My mom just got bad news from the doctor. I don’t know what the future will bring. I’m already in so much distress, possibly losing my mom is not something I can deal with honestly. Do you promise me that I will feel better? That this experience will not mess with me forever? I never have had heartbreak before, so I don’t know how I heal and how fast (slow). Does anyone who reads this and is healed from the affair wants to write some words of encouragement? It would mean a lot to me. Thanks.

[BlindsidedTwice]

I’m so sorry about the bad news for your mom. Try to focus on her and spend time making memories with her. You don’t want to regret the time you have with her right now. Even if MM is in the back of your mind, that’s ok - just try to focus your mom in the front of your mind.

 

Has Mark Clemson commented on your thread yet? He often mentions “limerence” and the way the brain works when in limerence. Pretty much, it’s like an addiction. Your brain has gotten used to having this person in your life and now your brain needs to develop new grooves. It WILL happen but it does take a very very long time.

 

Whether your heartbreak is from love or limerence, it will get better. You will need to put in some hard work, but if you do, you will find new levels of happiness that you never even knew were possible.

 

When my college boyfriend broke up with me, I was completely heartbroken (like I could physically feel pain in my insides) and devastated and I became totally obsessed with him. It took me longer to move on than I would’ve liked BUT it did happen!!! We are friends on social media now and I genuinely don’t feel anything when I see his pics.

 

I’m 2+ months out from my affair and I still have really low moments once in a while. When I feel it happening, I tell myself, “I’m like an alcoholic who is missing my alcohol. This is temporary and it will pass.” Maybe you can come up with a mantra to help you get through the really bad moments. — “This too shall pass.” ?

[BaileyB]

Let’s put it this way, your mom’s illness should put everything else into perspective.

 

Time to stop perseverating on your MM and focus on caring for yourself and your mom. I’m sorry to hear about her news. I lost my mom to cancer several years ago and let me tell you, it changed my perspective in so many ways...

 

Hugs to you. Keep going to therapy, it sounds like it’s helping a lot. Take care.

[mark clemson]

I miss him. I don’t want to miss him, but I do. It hurts. It literally hurts my heart. My therapist explained it nicely how I feel: MM has left a void inside you, a deep and painful void. ... I want to stop caring. It’s been enough.

 

 

Very sorry to hear about your Mom.

 

In addition to limerence and/or strong breakup-related blues, part of the void, I think, may be an issue of identity. You can think of identity (a thumbnail sketch of it) as your inner thoughts/feelings/beliefs, etc AND also how you relate to your social environment - the role(s) you have socially.

 

So, possibly, finding new social roles to fill will be part of the moving on process. Suggest you look for that and start letting interest in/planning for how you fit with others take a large place in your mind. Find social groups, volunteer, hang with friends a lot, etc.

 

One part of this, that you'll almost certainly never regret, can be seeing how you can best help your Mother through this situation.

[SSE]

It was MM’s birthday yesterday. It was a tough day for me. Some part of me wanted to reach out and send him a text. But the other part hesitated. Why would I send someone that hurt me so much a birthday text? I even never got one from him. Never. I told him to leave me alone, he respects it and now I would send him a text? Maybe I wouldn’t get an answer. Maybe he would be glad and would reply, starting the contact and eventually the affair all over again. Or maybe he would be mad because the last thing I said to him was that we aren’t friends. Either way, I think I would be hurt. I didn’t send a text. But I miss him… I miss having a connection with someone. I miss having that special someone, even though I know I wasn’t that special for him.

 

I’m struggling. My mom has an appointment with the doctor coming Monday. I will accompany her. It’s weird that someone who I love so much is sick. She’s my support, my everything. I love her so much. She may not be sick! I need her so much!

 

I’m also dating other men, but I have this problem. I don’t fall in love with them. I met someone and he is a great guy, but I don’t fall in love. What would be the reason? Is it because I still love MM? Is it because I’m still healing and it’s too soon? Is it because the guy is just not right for me? Maybe I will fall in love with him but it will take some time? Is it because I sometimes still hope MM comes back, even though I know he isn’t (but I still haven’t completely accepted it)? What is it?? It’s so frustrating, because I want to move on, but it seems I can’t. I’m stuck.

 

I checked my phone the last time I was with my date and I had a message from someone else on Tinder. I think he saw it and since then he contacts me less. But I didn’t do anything wrong? We’re dating, it’s not like we’re a couple. He probably didn’t like it? If I’m honest, I don’t what my feelings are for him. I don’t have any affection towards him. He has towards me. But I have only met him like 3 times! But I don’t want to lose a good person also. You know I’m scared of staying alone forever and never having my family. However, I just don’t feel it. Not like I felt it with MM. I was in love with him before he said he wanted to kiss me, so I don’t mean the feeling you have during the affair.

 

Dating isn’t easy. I don’t like Tinder. There aren’t many good guys on there. But I don’t want to stay alone forever… I so long for someone good in my life. It makes me really sad I don’t have any romantic love in my life. It’s really hard for me. Like I said, a really painful void inside of me. I miss him so much, but I can’t go back. I know he doesn't miss me. Or maybe just my hole.

 

I just don't feel it for the guys I'm dating. My mom understands it and supports me when I'm crying I'm feeling so alone. My dad however thinks I should just chose someone. Even though I don't have any feelings towards them. And if I don't chose anyone, I shouldn't expect any support from him, because I had my chance with those guys. I love my dad, but he doesn't seem to understand that I need that spark. He just thinks it's time I settle because I'm almost 30. And I want to settle, so bad, but with the right person. Even though I'm really scared I will never find him and will stay alone for the rest of my life, pining after MM. The only man I ever loved (so far, hopefully).

[BaileyB]

You are not ready to date. You are not in a healthy, happy place.

 

When my mom was ill, I did not date. It was all I could do to get through the day... After she passed, I did not date for almost two years. I was desperately sad and knew I was not ready - and, I knew it was not fair to the other person. They deserved someone who was happy and whole.

 

After counselling and with a lot of time, when I was happy and whole again - I met the love of my life. I think there was a reason for that.

 

You remind me of myself in my twenties. I watched my friends get married before me and I was desperately sad. I wanted that for myself. I thought having a man/kids was going to solve all my problems and make me feel better about myself.

 

It wasn’t until I let go of that, and lived through the experience of my mom’s passing that I found my strength and realized what was important in life. And then, I found him.

 

I had friends, and my father, who told me to date any guy. Stop being so picky. I insisted - I would not be in a relationship with just anyone. I wanted the right man, someone who would treat me well and who brought joy to my life.

 

You are not ready to date. You have a long way to go on the journey to find yourself. First step, done. You have rid yourself of that terrible MM. Keep going with counselling. Stop perseverating on thoughts of MM.

 

I pray that your mom is ok, but if she is not you will get through that too.

[mark clemson]

Sorry to hear about your mother and I hope she is alright.

 

I met someone and he is a great guy, but I don’t fall in love. What would be the reason? Is it because I still love MM? Is it because I’m still healing and it’s too soon? Is it because the guy is just not right for me? Maybe I will fall in love with him but it will take some time? Is it because I sometimes still hope MM comes back, even though I know he isn’t (but I still haven’t completely accepted it)? What is it?? It’s so frustrating, because I want to move on, but it seems I can’t ... And I want to settle, so bad, but with the right person. Even though I'm really scared I will never find him and will stay alone for the rest of my life, pining after MM.

 

 

I suspect you and Bailey are right about it being too soon.

 

In terms of being "in love" - how in love do you want to be? If you had full on limerence for your MM, you should realize that this is a rare thing that most people only experience 3-5 time in a lifetime at most. We can't shut it off, it has to run it's course over at least several months while our brain adjusts (fewer dopamine receptors from what I understand).

 

Unfortunately, our brain adjusting means we can't have full limerence again for a long time. Much like developing tolerance to a drug. So, expecting full on limerence for someone new (if that's what you mean by being in love) is for better or worse simply not realistic anytime soon.

 

Not sure what advice to give you about current men, but realizing the above may help you make positive, realistic decisions.

[Amethyst68]

I'm sorry if this comes across as mean but you keep saying you don't want to be alone but the man you pick for a relationship is one who is not free to be in one. You obviously don't have a problem attracting men, getting dates so why go all in for an unavailable one. It's almost as if you were sabotaging yourself from the get go!

 

I think you need to talk to your IC because this is fast becoming an obsession and you need to learn tools to move on. It will hurt, of course it will, but I'm sorry to say that's just a facet of life and you will continue to face obstacles like this as you go on.

 

You do owe your brother and his girlfriend an apology, it's not their fault your wallowing in your unhappiness at the moment.

 

I'm sorry about your mom, I hope everything turns out ok, remember it's your turn to be strong for her.

[spiritedaway2003]

Your MM sounds like a total d**k, so I'm glad you're rid of him.

 

I mean this well, but I think you should go to counseling to get some help on why you feel like you can't be happy by not being in a relationship. Trust me, it's not that I don't understand your situation. I've gotten in a messy situation myself (a xMM whom I had serious feelings for) but here's a slight difference: I was a happy go lucky kind of person before the A, and I was perfectly content being single. I was in a good place in my life and then the A happened. I'm not ready to date now because I know need time to work through the new issues that have cropped up in my life because of the A. It wouldn't be fair to the new guy and I know I'm not ready yet.

 

It may help you to forget your MM, but I'm not sure you're ready to date just yet. You obviously can find dates quite easily so that's not a problem. And your MM isn't exactly a nice guy (given those awful awful things he said to you). So, you have to ask yourself, what is it about him most that you are drawn to? You should also ask yourself why you are putting all this pressure of finding a man/relationship in order to be happy. No need to respond to me; just something to ask yourself.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your mom's news. I hope things turn out ok there.

Edited October 6, 2019 by spiritedaway2003

[SSE]

It’s hard to explain. MM was my first everything. The first man I fell in love with, shared a kiss and intimacy with. In the beginning, he wasn’t nasty. He was nice, made me laugh, gave me pet names… He was all over me and would get a divorce. Until he wasn’t anymore. Until he could go for weeks without contacting. And when he contacted, he was nice and wanted to meet which was code language for he wanted sex. After the sex, he pushed me away. I was not needed anymore until he wanted sex again. He hurt me really badly and I allowed it. I hoped he would turn again into that man he was during the beginning of the affair. That man that was all over me. That was jealous when I said I went out during the weekend. That wanted me completely and not only my holes. That man used to exist or at least I think he did, and he gave me a happy feeling. I felt loved and desired by a man for the first time in my life. That was a great feeling. I miss that tremendously. I miss the man he used to be towards me. I won’t go back to him even though I’m sometimes tempted to contact him. Sometimes I hope that man would come back and tell me he wants me as well, but I know I won’t ever see or hear him again. I know he’s doing fine without me, not missing me at all and living his life with her. That realization still makes me cry. :'(

 

I was very lonely when he made a move on me. It was wrong of both of us, but it made me feel alive. For a little while, until it made me sad and anxious. Now I’m still lonely and even on AD. Anyhow, my experience is that having somebody made me feel great. Not just somebody, but somebody I really like. And I think it must be so great when the feeling is genuinely mutual. I miss that feeling so much. I see my friends so happy with their partner and children. I want that as well. And I feel pressure because if you want to have kids, you don’t have time forever.

 

I know it may seem I have a lot of dates, but I went out with 3 men. Over a period of months. That’s not much of a success. And I don't fall in love with them. I’m not the prettiest one. The problem I have is men must make the effort to get to know me, but once they do, they actually seem to like me. They must go through the barrier of looks. I’m already several months on Tinder, while most of my friends only spent a few weeks on the app. I’ll probably be in it for the long run. It’s very frustrating. They have it all. They have all I want. They don't have to date. I so long for a loving relationship. And I don’t know if I will ever have one. Dating for a girl like me is hard. The possibility of never having my own little family makes me anxious and sad. I don’t want to end up all alone. I don't know what to do. MM left a really painful void inside me. That pain doesn't seem to go away.

[SSE]

I had a very rough night. Tossing and turning. Didn’t get much sleep. I miss MM terribly. I want to send him a text to tell him that. It's been 5 months. I’m in so much pain, still. It doesn’t get any better. If this pain and sadness stays, I’d rather be dead. I’m tempted to contact him to stop the pain...

[BaileyB]

What is happening in your life that has caused you to take such a big step backward - in that, you have given in to your fear and negative thoughts. How is your mother?

[mark clemson]

It won't last forever, just several months longer than you'd like. Most likely, contacting him will just prolong recovery and lead to regret. You'd feel better and then you'd be able to think again and then you'd wish you hadn't and would cut things off again.

 

Are you spending at least 10 minutes/day outside in nature, also exercising, socializing, and seeking good distractions? If yes, then I'd say the next thing is to find a hobby or cause to volunteer for - preferably that involves interacting with other people in some way. You need something to shore up the "gap" in your identity from ending this.

[Abetterme]

Op - I am sorry you’re having a rough day. This man preyed on you. Someone he could immediately identify as inexperienced and needing improved self-esteem. I don’t care if he is married or single, someone like this should be viewed as a predator who used you for his need fulfillment only. He is a very broken person. The sooner you see him as such, the sooner you will recover.

 

Please do not give him the ego of boost if hearing how miserable you are. He doesn’t deserve someone like you giving him a speck of thought.

 

Tomorrow is a new day....you will get through following many of the suggestions the many posters here have provided. It should tell you something that a board full of strangers care more about your well-being than this jerk!