Author camillalev Posted August 28, 2019 Author Posted August 28, 2019 You can't really do that. What, do you expect him to sit around and wait until you think he's now ready to be in something more serious? If you push him away he'll move on quickly and you'll be yesterday's news. I plan on talking to him about what he's looking for, where he's at etc in terms of dating/his breakup. I don't see why not. If he says he's not ready(and is rebounding) and that's not what I'm looking for, then I can't move forward with him. He can date around. People check in with each other all the time. It's happened to me and with other people I know. Maybe he'll find someone, maybe I will. We clearly have a lot of chemistry and he's attracted to me, so I don't see the harm in reaching out to him in however many months. 1
kendahke Posted August 28, 2019 Posted August 28, 2019 how do I leave things open so I can revisit in the future. live your life as you have been doing. If it's meant to be, you two will gravitate towards one another, you'll both be free and you can pick up from where you left off... I wouldn't stay single just waiting on him because he may never come back around; he may find someone else he finds more compelling and all your youth will have been wasted sitting on the shelf for nothing. 1
Blind-Sided Posted August 28, 2019 Posted August 28, 2019 As others have said... everyone grieves and heals differently. Also... you probably don't know every point of that relationship. Take me for example. I was with my ex 20 years. I loved her deeply, and what she did crushed me. BUT... the divorce was almost 10 months in the making. She has become cruel, and bitter. She has tried to use the kids as pawns, and I'm at a point were I'm just done. 2 months ago... (after she was moved out) someone wanted to set me up on a date. I had to pass because there was still that small spark that made me upset, and lose sleep. But now... nothing. SO... even though the ink isn't dry on my divorce papers... mentally I've been single for 10 months. Give him a try if you like him, and don't look at the time he had before.
Author camillalev Posted August 29, 2019 Author Posted August 29, 2019 (edited) So I was looking at his social media and him and his ex ARE GOING ON VACATION TOGETHER this long weekend. They’re calling it “the ex trip”. I can’t this too weird. Edited August 29, 2019 by camillalev 2
kendahke Posted August 29, 2019 Posted August 29, 2019 So I was looking at his social media and him and his ex ARE GOING ON VACATION TOGETHER this long weekend. They’re calling it “the ex trip”. I can’t this too weird. Yeah, he's not emotionally done with her...
elaine567 Posted August 29, 2019 Posted August 29, 2019 That's the kind of thing that tends to happen when you date guys who are "a few months out of a 3 year relationship" "Yes I am completely over her, she means nothing to me, nada, we are over, done, finito, finished..." "Yeah right!"
Author camillalev Posted August 29, 2019 Author Posted August 29, 2019 That's the kind of thing that tends to happen when you date guys who are "a few months out of a 3 year relationship" "Yes I am completely over her, she means nothing to me, nada, we are over, done, finito, finished..." "Yeah right!" Is it? I don’t know anyone that went on vacation with their ex, unless they were getting back together. Yeah, he's not emotionally done with her... Yeah, no kidding. 1
smackie9 Posted August 29, 2019 Posted August 29, 2019 Like I said, he's not looking for anything serious....seems he's keeping himself available just in case things get reconciled with his ex. Well it's all there...stop talking to him and move on.
stillafool Posted August 29, 2019 Posted August 29, 2019 They may as well call it "the getting back together vacation" because you know they are going to be having major sex and falling back in love if they haven't already. No one wants to go on a vacation with an ex that they're over.
Author camillalev Posted August 29, 2019 Author Posted August 29, 2019 They may as well call it "the getting back together vacation" because you know they are going to be having major sex and falling back in love if they haven't already. No one wants to go on a vacation with an ex that they're over. Or the “see where things go with my ex while we pretend everything is totally cool” vacation. If/when he reaches back out to me after his Labor Day/ex girlfriend trip, i think I’m just going to have to text him that the situation is too weird. I was going to meet up and hear him out and see how he reacts to the topic. But now I don’t really feel I owe him anything. 1
stillafool Posted August 29, 2019 Posted August 29, 2019 Or the “see where things go with my ex while we pretend everything is totally cool” vacation. You're right but again to go on vacation with an ex to see where things go still says they must be still in love with each other and are hoping to work it out.
Author camillalev Posted August 29, 2019 Author Posted August 29, 2019 You're right but again to go on vacation with an ex to see where things go still says they must be still in love with each other and are hoping to work it out. I was going to say, I don’t think they are “falling back in love” as they probably still have feelings for each other. From the way they are being about this trip(“lets just get this vacation over with”) I get the impression they are trying to do the friend thing and hold onto the relationship/“friendship”, but that’s not how getting over someone works. They are obviously very much attached to one another.
Silver_star Posted August 29, 2019 Posted August 29, 2019 Totally weird. Yea, get away from him. He is acting only selfishly right now. I would not even make the effort to "leave things open for him". If there was anything between you two then he would make an effort to come back on his own much later when he is really done with his ex, and done sorting out his emotional attachment with her. He is disconnected emotionally from anyone but his ex, meeting new women to feel out the dating scene and boost his ego/self esteem...but he wont be able to give you anything but the odd attention/sex/making out/"fun". That is a distraction for him from his ex. Guys don't heal that quickly, especially if they are still in touch with their ex.
SumGuy Posted August 29, 2019 Posted August 29, 2019 ... I'm not looking for something that's only casual and there is no way he's over his breakup or ready for anything serious. I'd trust your ability to read minds. Not. Seriously a lot of projection on your part here. There are so many other factors to consider, like perhaps he has been processing the loss of this relationship before the eventual break up? What makes you think he is not interested in something serious? He had a 3 year relationship once, why not again when he meets the right person. I think the next time I see him I'm going to have to bring it up and end things, but is there any way to leave things open for the future? Why did we have to meet now Here's the thing, if he is legit and self aware (and not the self deluding person you think he is) I doubt he will wait for you. Why would he want to be with someone who says they know his thoughts and feelings better than he does? Do you like it when men explain to you what your thoughts and feelings are? Unless you truly can read minds, then you should get into professional poker. Also been wondering whether or not I should sleep with him before ending it. On our last date we had a pretty hot and heavy makeout and we clearly had a lot of chemistry. I get the feeling like we’d like similar things in bed. I haven’t felt this attracted to someone in years :/ but maybe I should just leave it. That's your call, I'd tell him first though about "ending it" before sleeping with him. If the shoe was on the other foot I think you'd appreciate the same. I think you are overthinking this and shooting yourself in the foot. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 29, 2019 Posted August 29, 2019 So I was looking at his social media and him and his ex ARE GOING ON VACATION TOGETHER this long weekend. They’re calling it “the ex trip”. I can’t this too weird. No way would I see him again. I was prepared to tell you that people sometimes are ready to move on quickly after a long relationship, if the relationship was already emotionally over for the person who pulled the plug. I have been there myself, after dating one guy for 5 years. I had checked out long before I had the stones to actually end it, and was single for a couple months before I met my next boyfriend - whom I went on to date for nearly 8 years. However - I never went on an "ex trip" with any of them, and certainly never broadcast that on social media. This guy is not done with his ex or this trip wouldn't be happening. It sounds to me like they're trying to be cool and edgy by playing "friendly exes who travel together, aren't we just so millennial?!", when really, they're just making it blatant that they're not really over. Next!
Author camillalev Posted August 29, 2019 Author Posted August 29, 2019 However - I never went on an "ex trip" with any of them, and certainly never broadcast that on social media. This guy is not done with his ex or this trip wouldn't be happening. It sounds to me like they're trying to be cool and edgy by playing "friendly exes who travel together, aren't we just so millennial?!", when really, they're just making it blatant that they're not really over. Next! 100% Yup they are totally trying to play it cool and casual. Obviously they are clinging onto the relationship.
stillafool Posted August 29, 2019 Posted August 29, 2019 I was going to say, I don’t think they are “falling back in love” as they probably still have feelings for each other. From the way they are being about this trip(“lets just get this vacation over with”) I get the impression they are trying to do the friend thing and hold onto the relationship/“friendship”, but that’s not how getting over someone works. They are obviously very much attached to one another. Who told you this? Him or her? I find it hard to believe that two people would take the time out for a vacay "just to get it over with". If it was that bad one of them could have bought the other's ticket and taken someone else.
Author camillalev Posted August 29, 2019 Author Posted August 29, 2019 Who told you this? Him or her? I find it hard to believe that two people would take the time out for a vacay "just to get it over with". If it was that bad one of them could have bought the other's ticket and taken someone else. No one needs to tell me, people try to kid themselves all the time. If they were genuinely deciding to try to get back together or reconcile, I doubt they’d be talking about it the way they are and broadcasting it the way they are. Like someone else said, “It sounds to me like they're trying to be cool and edgy by playing "friendly exes who travel together, aren't we just so millennial?!", when really, they're just making it blatant that they're not really over.” Either way, it’s weird behavior.
kendahke Posted August 29, 2019 Posted August 29, 2019 If/when he reaches back out to me after his Labor Day/ex girlfriend trip, i think I’m just going to have to text him Why? Why cast your dignity at his feet like that? What do you think reminding him that you exist will accomplish in light of the fact he already knows you exist, yet he didn't choose you to go out of town with and instead reached back to his ex? ---and that means that behind your back for some time now, they've been fertilizing this field of "F's to give". Put him on block. He's got unfinished business with his ex, he prioritized her this weekend and demoted you and your feelings. What could he possibly come back with that would make giving him an audience a good idea? Whatever scene you think you're going to act out for him in that moment isn't going to go as you planned. Block him and let him and her get on with it. You've dodged a nuclear warhead.
Author camillalev Posted August 29, 2019 Author Posted August 29, 2019 Why? Why cast your dignity at his feet like that? What do you think reminding him that you exist will accomplish in light of the fact he already knows you exist, yet he didn't choose you to go out of town with and instead reached back to his ex? ---and that means that behind your back for some time now, they've been fertilizing this field of "F's to give". Put him on block. He's got unfinished business with his ex, he prioritized her this weekend and demoted you and your feelings. What could he possibly come back with that would make giving him an audience a good idea? Whatever scene you think you're going to act out for him in that moment isn't going to go as you planned. Block him and let him and her get on with it. You've dodged a nuclear warhead. We’ve been on two dates. Why would I block him? And why would I go on a trip with someone who is basically a stranger? If he texts me to meet up, of course I’ll reply and tell him I’m not interested in doing so or in this situation. There’s no “scene”, that seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Yes, it sucks because I did like him and was attracted to him, but it is what it is. I already have two other dates lined up so 1
Author camillalev Posted August 29, 2019 Author Posted August 29, 2019 As an aside, someone should really invent a dating app that’s exclusively and only for people who are fresh out of a relationship/rebounding. That way they can mutually get what they need from one other - distraction. While they sort their own emotions out. And the rest of us can be left alone. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 29, 2019 Posted August 29, 2019 The problem with people on the rebound is that they rarely even recognize - much less admit - that they are on the rebound. That generally only seems to happen after they've tried to date someone new and realize they just miss their ex. Fresh out of a relationship, sure. But there again, not all recently-single folks are not ready to date again. As I mentioned with my own anecdote before, some really are ready to move on. Frustrating, in any case, I know. You will be wise to put this guy in your rearview mirror. 1
Author camillalev Posted September 5, 2019 Author Posted September 5, 2019 (edited) Update on this. He texted me after he got back from his trip, after a bit of texting he asked if I wanted to go to a show for a pretty big band that he had an extra ticket to. I told him that when I added him back on insta I noticed he was vacationing with someone he used to be in a relationship with and that I wasn’t comfortable dating someone who was still so involved with a recent ex, but that I think he’s cool and I enjoyed hanging out with him. He replied “totally fair. not that it probably matters to you, but her and i realized we were better off as just friends and we ended it back in March. there’s nothing at all physical between us and we booked the trip when we still in a relationship. I completely get your stance, though. enjoyed hanging out with you, too. if you do change your mind about the show tomorrow, just let me know. always down to just go as friends..“ I believe that there is nothing physical going on, but I do think they are holding onto some aspect of the relationship - maybe the comfort, familiarity, and connection. Based on their social media this is the second trip they’ve been on together, one was a group trip with friends two months after their breakup and then this one which was just the two of them. Also while they were on the trip he reposted a pic she took of him and wrote “thanks for the new Tinder pic @[username] #Extrip” :/ I have replied back to his text. Honestly I’m tempted to go but I’ll likely not. Edited September 5, 2019 by camillalev
Author camillalev Posted September 6, 2019 Author Posted September 6, 2019 He is a nice guy. And cute, too. But yeah, I feel like the old relationship is still occupying some space in him that doesn’t leave a lot of room for someone else. I mean, they’ve been on two trips together since their breakup in march. I texted him and told him I probably wouldnt be able to make it to the show because I had other work-related obligations, which was partially true, but thanked him for the invite. He said he’d let me know if any other shows pop up.. I told him on one of our dates that Id like to go to more shows. It’s been a long time, like 5-6 years since I felt this natural attraction/chemistry with someone, I like him and we share a lot of the same unique interests. it’s reaaallly tempting to just jump into it. but the ex thing was too weird, I’m glad I’m taking a step back. and it’s still friendly and open enough for us to hang out again in the future.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 6, 2019 Posted September 6, 2019 She isn't likely to be going away any time soon and he doesn't seem to get how that makes him look (ie. not over her) I personally don't date men who are that close to an ex, regardless of the circumstances. It's a boundary I set for myself, and a lot of grief saved. 1
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