camillalev Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 Hey Guys, I recently matched with a guy on a dating app and went on a few dates. I like what I know of him so far - were very similar and have similar interests, values, and goals, he seems like a good person, and I am very physically attracted to him, but on our last date he added me on instagram and I saw that he's a few months out of a 3 year relationship :/ I'm not looking for something that's only casual and there is no way he's over his breakup or ready for anything serious. I think the next time I see him I'm going to have to bring it up and end things, but is there any way to leave things open for the future? Why did we have to meet now Also been wondering whether or not I should sleep with him before ending it. On our last date we had a pretty hot and heavy makeout and we clearly had a lot of chemistry. I get the feeling like we’d like similar things in bed. I haven’t felt this attracted to someone in years :/ but maybe I should just leave it.
mortensorchid Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 This smells - no, STINKS - of a rebound. Don't go there. I don't think you should do IT with him before ending it. You'll end up hurting yourself in the long run. 2
JEG88 Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 Everyone heals different from past relationships, whether in terms of time, method or otherwise. Don’t make assumptions without his side of the story, at least talk to him about it first since you’re feeling interested.
Ami1uwant Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 Don’t know your ages not how serious this relationship was...but a few months likely isn’t an isdue. It be different if this was a divorce after a 15 yr marriage. Did you ask him if you were the first he has dated? Did he say why it ended?
Author camillalev Posted August 26, 2019 Author Posted August 26, 2019 (edited) This smells - no, STINKS - of a rebound. Don't go there. I don't think you should do IT with him before ending it. You'll end up hurting yourself in the long run. I agree, i think it’s a rebound. My “logic” was that, even if this wasn’t the situation, maybe it still wouldn’t work out anyway and at least this way I could have something nice for myself. Lol, obviously my loins talking. I took a long break from dating and haven’t gotten laid in a long time, but even before then I haven’t felt this level of chemistry with someone in a while. I already feel disappointed in the situation because I like what I know about him so far, so know its best it just leave it, unfortunately. Don’t know your ages not how serious this relationship was...but a few months likely isn’t an isdue. It be different if this was a divorce after a 15 yr marriage. Did you ask him if you were the first he has dated? Did he say why it ended? We’re jn our late 20s/early 30s. We haven’t talked about it so I don’t know much, but from what I saw I think it was pretty serious. I also get the feeling he is trying to distract himself. On our first date he asked if it would be weird if he got a shot, which he didn’t end up getting, but I thought that was strange but chalked it up to him trying to calm him nerves since he was very visibly nervous. But on our second date we went to dinner then a bar, where he got a shot. I think he’s trying to distract himself. That’s how it feels. I honestly kind of wish I could nicely suggest talking to a therapist to him. I know a few people who have gotten out of long term relationships ranging from 2-6 years this past year and all of them were wrecked after. Some are still not ready for something serious. I know some people process things in their own time and things can depend on the relationship and how it ended, but based on this and some of his behavior, I don’t feel he’s over it. even if he told me he was ready I don’t think I’d believe him. I guess I’m mostly wondering now if it’s possible to end things, but leave things open to meeting up in the future because I DO like him. Edited August 26, 2019 by camillalev
JEG88 Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 Sounds like you got your validation of the decision you already made... I guess I’m mostly wondering now if it’s possible to end things, but leave things open to meeting up in the future because I DO like him. Doesn't work like that, you can't have your cake and eat it too. If the guy has any sense, he will move on from you and not look back. 1
Author camillalev Posted August 26, 2019 Author Posted August 26, 2019 Did he end his last relationship or did she? That makes a huge difference. If he ended it maybe he was checking out of that relationship over time...? Also, do not sleep with him until you decide to stay with him. You don’t want to hurt him and/or yourself. That just looks like using someone and dumping them. Why not find out more from him who ended it - and why it ended? You need to learn more before making that decision. And decide without emotions - decide based on information and logic - about what’s right for you and your goals. Then be honest with him either way. He deserves to know how you feel about him and his situation that’s affecting his dating life and future. we’ve only been on two dates so I don’t know specifics on who broke up with who, asking feels like prying. But I plan on asking him what’s he’s looking for etc. I think not sleeping with him is the best idea. From my POV sleeping with a guy who is rebounding, clearly wants to escalate to something physical, and is not capable of something other than casual isn’t using them. Probably the opposite. If I was making decisions based on emotion, I’d continue seeing him and sleep with him. But I know it’s probably best to not get involved with someone so fresh out of a long term relationship, which is the is based on information and logic. I plan on talking to him the next time I see him and see where he’s at. I’m mostly anticipating that he’s not looking for something serious, but we’ll see.
scooby-philly Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 I agree that it sounds like a rebound for him...BUTTTTTTTTTTT - you'd be foolish to not meet him again and ask/inquire. Lots of factors go into how long it takes someone to recover from a relationship - I've heard the math - 1yr = 1 month so if he's 3 months out he's on track - and it would depend on how fast you want to move - but if you see each other once a week for another 4-6 weeks he'd be 4.5 months out. BUTTTTTTTTTTT..again - collect evidence and weigh it and make your choice. I will say - if you're both clear about things and it's not going to work out, there's nothing wrong with a one night stand or a short fling. Just saying. But that's something else to consider.
smackie9 Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 Sorry but I can tell you right now he isn't looking for anything serious. Probably why he added you to IG so it will be out in the open. Sure go see what he says. Hopefully he doesn't feed you a pile of bs.
Mrin Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 Normally I would say no. But we're just talking 3 years in his mid-late 20's. I also don't think that you're in an all or nothing situation. Why not ahead and date him casually and see where things go?
amaysngrace Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 My sister’s husband was engaged to someone else when they met. He broke off the engagement before asking my sister out, but just before. They’ve been married now for over 20 years. You don’t know where his head is. Maybe it just wasn’t a good relationship and he gave it the good fight but decided he just wanted to walk away and find something better and maybe you’re it. You just never know without discussing it with him. And no. Don’t sleep with him if you are wanting to break up. That’s a terrible idea. Talk to him instead. 1
Author camillalev Posted August 26, 2019 Author Posted August 26, 2019 My sister’s husband was engaged to someone else when they met. He broke off the engagement before asking my sister out, but just before. They’ve been married now for over 20 years. You don’t know where his head is. Maybe it just wasn’t a good relationship and he gave it the good fight but decided he just wanted to walk away and find something better and maybe you’re it. You just never know without discussing it with him. And no. Don’t sleep with him if you are wanting to break up. That’s a terrible idea. Talk to him instead. I’m open to hearing what he has to say. But his drinking and getting shots on the first two dates worries me. Maybe he’s just a big drinker, but it reminds me of how I acted during my last breakup a few years ago, going on dates and getting drunk, and how I’ve seen friends act after a breakup. I also looked at his tagged photos and the most recent one is of him sitting next to his ex and their friend at an industry event, literally right before our first date. That is very weird.
amaysngrace Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 Shots on your first date?? How special... 1
smackie9 Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 Well you have marked quite a few things in your observation as red flags....why are you ignoring them? If your BFF was in this situation, what would you say to her? Go for it?
Author camillalev Posted August 26, 2019 Author Posted August 26, 2019 Shots on your first date?? How special... Lol, he didn’t end up don’t a shot but he asked “if it would be weird” if he did one. I think my reaction indicated it might be. He did, however, do one on our second.
Author camillalev Posted August 26, 2019 Author Posted August 26, 2019 Well you have marked quite a few things in your observation as red flags....why are you ignoring them? If your BFF was in this situation, what would you say to her? Go for it? I’m not ignoring them at all. I think I’m doing the opposite and being very mindful of it.
amaysngrace Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 Oh, then that’s not so bad. He asked permission also which is cool but you’ve only been drinking or did you go out to eat someplace too?
Author camillalev Posted August 26, 2019 Author Posted August 26, 2019 Oh, then that’s not so bad. He asked permission also which is cool but you’ve only been drinking or did you go out to eat someplace too? We were at a bar on our first date, then had dinner and went to a bar on our second.
amaysngrace Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 You really should talk to him more. So when he was drinking those two times you drank water? Or you drank too because that’s not fair to judge if you drank too since you did the same as him.
Author camillalev Posted August 26, 2019 Author Posted August 26, 2019 (edited) You really should talk to him more. So when he was drinking those two times you drank water? Or you drank too because that’s not fair to judge if you drank too since you did the same as him. We have tentative plans to see each other after Labor Day weekend, I plan on talking to him then. But I’m basically bracing to hear that he’s not ready for anything at this point. I drank less than he did, and slower. Edited August 26, 2019 by camillalev
Maggiemay1 Posted August 27, 2019 Posted August 27, 2019 I’m open to hearing what he has to say. But his drinking and getting shots on the first two dates worries me. Maybe he’s just a big drinker, but it reminds me of how I acted during my last breakup a few years ago, going on dates and getting drunk, and how I’ve seen friends act after a breakup. I also looked at his tagged photos and the most recent one is of him sitting next to his ex and their friend at an industry event, literally right before our first date. That is very weird. Sounds like you are very mistrusting and not ready to casually date which is all he seems to want. Since he is on the rebound!! He clearly doesn’t care that you know of his past because he is likeky not looking for a serious relationship and best for him to weed out the girls looking for different to him right!? Way too soon to have a discussion with him , so go with your gut! Don’t have sex with him since you are interested in more! Until you know he wants more without an interrogation. There are plenty of men who will respond to your loins ! If that’s an immediate desire for you then do it with someone you are not interested in.
kendahke Posted August 28, 2019 Posted August 28, 2019 he's a few months out of a 3 year relationship Yep, rebound. Unless I just wanted to use him for NSA sex and then vaporize and not pursue friendship, I wouldn't have sex with him.
Author camillalev Posted August 28, 2019 Author Posted August 28, 2019 Yep, rebound. Unless I just wanted to use him for NSA sex and then vaporize and not pursue friendship, I wouldn't have sex with him. I wasn’t planning on pursuing him, which is why I said the next time I see him I’ll likely have to end things. My question was how do I leave things open so I can revisit in the future.
Trail Blazer Posted August 28, 2019 Posted August 28, 2019 Some people are more equipped to move on than others when it comes to moving on. Don't judge based on duration of relationship and break-up period necessarily. I was ready to move on and love someone new three months after a 12 year relationship/8 year marriage. Yet, I'm not ready to four months after a one year relationship ended because I'm still healing from it. How much he loved his ex and how/who broke it off is a lot more telling than just profiling it without facts. He may or may not be ready to move on and commit to you, but you should judge on his actions rather than his history with no real context. Proceed with caution, take it slow and try to understand what he wants before ultimately making a decision. 1
Trail Blazer Posted August 28, 2019 Posted August 28, 2019 I wasn’t planning on pursuing him, which is why I said the next time I see him I’ll likely have to end things. My question was how do I leave things open so I can revisit in the future. You can't really do that. What, do you expect him to sit around and wait until you think he's now ready to be in something more serious? If you push him away he'll move on quickly and you'll be yesterday's news.
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