Angel29 Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 I have been on 2 dates with a guy and I feel we have known each other our whole lives. There have been no awkward silences and we have had similar life experiences and interests. He talks as though we will be a couple. He told me about his dating history which is quite trusting to do. He seems lonely as he has been cheated on, dated narcissists and has had one night stands but does not enjoy them. He is entitled to his past but I’m scared to get involved in case I get hurt. I don’t know what are his intentions, hook up or genuine but he said he wants to meet someone for a connection. We haven’t kissed. 2
preraph Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 Don't make any presumptions about him until you have dated awhile. What guys say on dates is sometimes just a way to "agree" with the woman in hopes of sex. Just keep dating him, do kiss him soon, but don't assume you're right for each other until ACTIONS bear this out. I mean, it's easy to say you love an activity but see if they actually do it or if really, all they're doing is being a couch potato. Only time will tell you. And remember, all dating is is spending enough time with someone face to face to get to know them and see how you get on doing things together. It's not any type of commitment and really shouldn't be early on. It's nothing you're locked into. So just relax and see where it goes, but do get the kissing going because men lose interest or you put them in the friendzone from which he'll never escape if you put it off.
smackie9 Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 It's better to let him do most of the talking and you not reveal every aspect of your life in two dates. This would eliminate him mirroring you to make you think it feels like you have known each other all your lives. it's way too easy to say "Ya me too!" IMO talking about past relationships, being hurt during first + dates is one big red flag. Either they have baggage/issues or they use it to give the illusion of vulnerability...like "you can trust me, I let my emotional guard down." Starting off with comparing notes on negative experiences is not healthy bonding...it's dysfunctional. 6
amaysngrace Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 Totally agree with smackie. He could just be mirroring you because he’s an empty shell. Also, him saying how he’s been hurt before could just be a ploy to get your sympathy. What a dark way to begin dating someone by talking about all your problems. I don’t see how that can be “good” at all. 1
The Outlaw Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 If it seems to good to be true, it usually is, but tread lightly. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 Basically you might be in infatuation ... and early-on infatuation bluntly described ... makes us dumb ... we literally can't imagine that the story someone just told us ... which shows the person to have weakness X ... will apply to us dating the person. Just slow down and go at a gradual pace ... there's a lot more to a good relationship than conversations without awkward silences. I love good conversation ... but frankly, I've dated women who ... will go quiet on a date because they're relaxed and don't feel the need to talk. I share that because being able to talk well, tall non-stop, isn't necessarily a sign that you two would make a good partnership. Keep talking and you'll quite soon hit areas of disagreement. One of you will come home tired from school or work ... and the exciting talk energy won't be there ... which is totally normal ... So you can slow things down ... go to movies ... relax ... if there is real chemistry it's not going anywhere. Just remind yourself that you don't know this person ... the talking can convince you that you know them ... but you don't.
Normm Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 (edited) he has been cheated on, dated narcissists You're being rather naive if you believe a guy when he tells you that he's dated all these mentally ill women and has been victimized by being the innocent victim of their affairs. Sure it could be true, and it could also be true that it's really not about them at all. I would be wary when getting involved with a person who speaks so badly about everyone he has been with before, especially when he's diagnosing them with mental illness- unless he's a licensed mental health professional - and even then, well let me just say that there's a reason why surgeons don't typically operate on family members. Edited August 26, 2019 by Normm 1
GoldSparkz Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 You've only been on two dates. The problem is like you say, you don't know the real person yet. All you see is the facade. Date him for longer with no expectations, no fantasizing. It's all a big waiting game unfortunately. Only time will tell what his intentions are. If you apply a pragmatic approach, then you can walk away without getting hurt if things don't work out. 1
PRW Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 Smackie9 made great points, you should pay attention. I have been on 2 dates with a guy and I feel we have known each other our whole lives.Skilled manipulators will always make you feel like this ..... we have had similar life experiences and interests. Mirroring. Nrcissists and other manipulators use this a lot. He talks as though we will be a couple.That is never good after only two date. That has needy, clingy, controlling, written all over it. He told me about his dating history which is quite trusting to do. He seems lonely as he has been cheated on, dated narcissists and has had one night stands but does not enjoy them.The "illusion of vulnerability" as Smackie9 said. Just because he claims to have had a bad experience dating a narcissists doesn't mean he isn't one himself. Whenever two narcissists date each other it is always explosive, so I'm sure he could come up with good war stories from that. ....but he said he wants to meet someone for a connection. We haven’t kissed.How many guys have you went out with that said they did not want a connection? What would you do if one did? 4
kendahke Posted August 27, 2019 Posted August 27, 2019 I’m scared to get involved in case I get hurt If this is how you feel, then don't pursue relationships because there is always a chance that you may get hurt at some point. There are no guarantees in life that you will not get hurt--never have been and never will be. That is just a part of life and how we develop judgement and wisdom. Anything undertaken with fear as its basis has no hope of a good outcome. 1
boymommy Posted August 27, 2019 Posted August 27, 2019 Actions speak louder then words. He says he wants a connection with someone..okay so establishing a connection requires consistency. That usually means phone calls, texting, email (daily contact of some sort) as well as him continuing to set up dates with you. He will also be attempting to progress things..like making an effort to ask you questions about yourself and tell people in his life about you (friends, family, ect) Also he will be keeping dates with you and he will care about being reliable. We all know stuff comes up but establishing a connection and trying to build a relationship requires effort. Getting someone into bed doesnt require as much so if he isnt doesnt the above things mentioned plus saying he wants a long term relationship (that is key, most guys will say what they are looking for!) then look elsewhere. 2
Watercolors Posted August 27, 2019 Posted August 27, 2019 Totally agree with smackie. He could just be mirroring you because he’s an empty shell. Also, him saying how he’s been hurt before could just be a ploy to get your sympathy. What a dark way to begin dating someone by talking about all your problems. I don’t see how that can be “good” at all. Exactly. Narcissists will mirror the other person so they reflect the other person's great personality back to the other person. You think he is a great guy because you have so much in common. But since he's mirroring you, you just have a lot in common with yourself. This is a common trap narcissists or very egotistical, self-absorbed guys like to set for women on those first few dates. If he's lonely, rebounding, or whatever, just keep your boundaries strong with him. Don't believe anything he tells you until his actions match his words. 1
boymommy Posted August 27, 2019 Posted August 27, 2019 Exactly. Narcissists will mirror the other person so they reflect the other person's great personality back to the other person. You think he is a great guy because you have so much in common. But since he's mirroring you, you just have a lot in common with yourself. This is a common trap narcissists or very egotistical, self-absorbed guys like to set for women on those first few dates. If he's lonely, rebounding, or whatever, just keep your boundaries strong with him. Don't believe anything he tells you until his actions match his words. True but people with insecure attachment styles do this at the beginning of relationships too. If they are insecure and are worried about losing someone they will come on stronger and be very charming. I have a dated a number of men who fit this profile and they arent narcissists, more like avoidants. However, most people have some symptoms of narcissism, and nobody is perfect. I sense a trend on this site that people are pretty quick to say “dump him” or “that person is trouble.” Whatever happened to nobody is perfect and give the person a friggin chance? Sheesh! 1
Watercolors Posted August 28, 2019 Posted August 28, 2019 True but people with insecure attachment styles do this at the beginning of relationships too. If they are insecure and are worried about losing someone they will come on stronger and be very charming. I have a dated a number of men who fit this profile and they arent narcissists, more like avoidants. However, most people have some symptoms of narcissism, and nobody is perfect. I sense a trend on this site that people are pretty quick to say “dump him” or “that person is trouble.” Whatever happened to nobody is perfect and give the person a friggin chance? Sheesh! True (re: attachment styles and insecurities). I think the problem is, most men who just want to get laid pull this crap with women on dates 1-4. So there's that piece to consider. The way the OP described the guy rushing things, etc.,. leads me to believe his intentions really are not good intentions. What his ulterior motives are, only he knows. I once went on a date with a guy who told me he wanted to marry me after dessert. He was freshly divorced and had two children under the age of 10, so he was just desperate to find ANY woman to fill-in his ex-wife's role asap. He freaked me out by calling me nonstop after I told him I wasn't interested. Poor guy but eww. 1
alphamale Posted August 28, 2019 Posted August 28, 2019 I once went on a date with a guy who told me he wanted to marry me after dessert. .... that is sooo sad on so many levels
Watercolors Posted August 28, 2019 Posted August 28, 2019 that is sooo sad on so many levels For me or him? I don't marry after dessert. I need at least a few days to digest my food first before I can accept a marriage proposal. I have zero interest in marriage anyway. Yuck. Sad that he was so lonely he'd ask any woman he met to be his next wife without slowing down, doing therapy on himself, making his home stable for his two little kids after his divorce, getting himself back together before even thinking of dating again. Why some men refuse to try to heal first, rather than try to rush into the next relationship, I will never understand because it just creates a bigger mess. I hope the OP's date pans out to be a good guy and not a narcissist trying to sleep with her.
alphamale Posted August 28, 2019 Posted August 28, 2019 Why some men refuse to try to heal first, rather than try to rush into the next relationship, I will never understand because it just creates a bigger mess. . same reason we don't go to the Dr., we think we don't need it...
Watercolors Posted August 28, 2019 Posted August 28, 2019 same reason we don't go to the Dr., we think we don't need it... Good point. I should rephrase my previous statement to: "why [people] don't slow down and heal themselves first before they jump into the next relationship..." And we do. We do need it. That's the problem. And the whole point. 1
basil67 Posted August 28, 2019 Posted August 28, 2019 I'm not sure where to go with my advice. Thing is, his vast experience with apparently toxic exes doesn't reflect well on him. If it's true that he's got all these bad exes, then his picker is broken. Or, it's possible that he labels all his exes as something or other so that he doesn't have to face his own bad choices. Personally, I like the kind of guy who speaks well of his exes. The other red flag here is your own concern about being hurt. It's kind of the same thing really. At the very least, it indicates that your resilience is poor or on a larger scale it could indicates that you've also been making really bad choices. Either way, both of you have red flags. Could be a match made in heaven because you relate to each other....or it could be a match made in hell because you're both a bit damaged.
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