JEG88 Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 So last night I was texting with a woman I’ve seen twice from OLD. She’s on vacation with a friend. She asks me if she can FaceTime me, but I was basically naked in bed almost ready to sleep and wasn’t comfortable doing so. So we ended up chatting for a bit, but she was pretty drunk and drinking heavily while chatting. It was actually a huge turnoff hearing her in that state, but I did my best to be polite and chatty because I did not feel like arguing with a drunk person. Blaming me for not texting her for almost the whole day, even though I was busy with family and other errands. Besides, I have only met her twice and was offended that she would expect me to make her a priority. I explained as best as I could that I didn’t owe her anything in that sense, especially when she’s out of town. I had also expressed to her that I don’t drink often, and she had said something similar in the past. But to hear her super wasted and then telling stories about past drunk experiences also set off a red flag in my head. That she’s not who she says she is in reality. We had set a date to see each other when she was back, but I’ll have to think long and hard if I want to see her again at all. I understand everyone has these moments on vacation especially, but there’s been inconsistency in how she communicated who she was with regard to drinking and all. Also, I suppose it’s good that I heard this side of her early on as opposed to potentially getting in a relationship and only seeing it down the road. It’s a bit disappointing because I would have pursued this woman over others I’m currently meeting as well, but last night certainly changes things. Just wanted to share the experience and if anyone else has had similar ones that made them question a potential relationship.
The Outlaw Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 I can't really relate, but my dad is taking steps to get a divorce from my step mom. Turns out that, after a short time, she wasn't at all who he thought she was. She's a drug addict and an alcoholic and has been married and divorced several times probably due to the same circumstances, but she just doesn't want to get help because she doesn't think she has a problem. She's addicted to pain pills and is passed out in her recliner the bulk of the time. But that aside, it's best that she did call you in a drunken state, because now you know who she is and what she's about. And I'd wager you dodged a bullet.
Watercolors Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 OP she handed you a gift with that drunk phone call from her. This is the preview of what being in a relationship with her is. You seriously dodged a bullet because she obviously has problems with alcohol and that's not really you responsibility to handle. Good that you are multi-dating other women because that opens you up to better options; maybe one of these other women you've been dating will be a better fit. I think we've all been disappointed by people we've dated, once they show us their true colors that don't align with our values or beliefs or standards. I know I've had a few disappointing surprises with men I really liked, who I thought initially were a good match for me, until they did something that showed me, nope, far from it. 1
Beendaredonedat Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 Have you been to bed with this woman? She seems to be awfully presumptuous to think she can call you in the middle of the night from her vacation spot while drinking/drunk. Sometimes people will wrongly assume that they have some right to impose themselves on you if you have been sexual. In any event, there are enough red flags for you that her actions should be a deal breaker for you (never mind thinking long and hard on it). To go forth with her now after being so disturbed about her actions that you needed to start a thread about it should be enough 'proof' to you that she's not who you should keep seeing.
smackie9 Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 I agree this is a gift...so you can run for the hills on this one. For you this was definitely a red flag, but to someone else not so much. You are not compatible is all...glad you found out now. Much saved time that would have been wasted.
Highndry Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 Not only would I not see her again, I would have ended the conversation quickly.
Versacehottie Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 I also don't think you should drag it out by seeing her again mainly because you aren't really attracted to her anymore. Unlike the others who have commented though, I think it's hard to sum up who she is just from one phone call. It's a misjudgment, misstep on her part to have done that and certainly a yellow flag but not sure if it's a red flag mainly because there is not enough information. I think a lot of girls FEEL exactly how she did about you not being in touch after two dates---but she expressed it because she was drunk and stupidly called you and let it out. I think your position was totally in the right btw but still she feels like a lot of girls feel. Hard to tell if the drinking is a problem or just a product of her age and environment where its somewhat normal. But if you find it not compatible to your off the one time misstep and a red flag rather than a yellow, that's understandable as well. I also think that a lot of girls talk about the drinking and partying as a way to seem cool and it's a sign of immaturity not necessarily that she is a bad person or has a problem--could be but I've had many girlfriends who do similarly and have no such problem. It's just the environment at the time. I'd be more worried that by conveying trying to be cool with the stories of getting wasted that she has a little while to come out of this phase of life and maybe it won't match up with yours. A lot of times girls do this stuff (guys too) because they aren't in a relationship and it changes as soon as they are in one. Just offering another perspective. If you are all the way turned off don't go though. And definitely don't feel obligated to go. Good luck 2
Watercolors Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 (edited) @Versacehottie: Doesn't matter if her drinking is a product of her being 20-something, her environment being on vacation partying with her friends or something more serious like alcohol addiction. Those are all very convenient excuses used to justify her behavior. The end result is, that she's quite clearly immature to drunk dial the OP while on vacation. I mean, after 2 dates does not exclusivity make. They never discussed being boyfriend/girlfriend. No one does after just 2 dates. I mean, 2 dates... She clearly can't communicate her feelings when she's sober. The fact that she chose to drunk dial the OP to release her anger and frustration at him, is a red flag, not a yellow one, because it's a preview of how she solves conflict -- get drunk, yell a lot and get emotional: a tantrum. Something teenagers do. Not exactly the sign of a mature adult. You are right to refer to her as a 'girl' b'c it's very childish, her behavior. Edited August 25, 2019 by Watercolors
Versacehottie Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 Not trying to justify her behavior (didn't even do that a little bit). And I think the OP definitely isn't in the wrong not to feel obligated to be in touch after just 2 dates and while she is on vacation. There are girls on this site who are not drunk but feel exactly the same way (some act on it/some don't) after one or two dates. A black and white answer is generally not the way I roll though. Just trying to explain a different perspective, having certainly helped many of my friends after they did something stupid because they were drinking the night before with some guy they really liked (phone call, text, in person, whatever). Trust me, I rarely advocate for people with clingy behavior. Somehow I feel that if this girl wasn't drunk dialing but called OP out for lack of contact and was relating that story here from her perspective, she would be encouraged to call him out or call it off. That's the black and white thinking that I don't encourage. Sometimes we simply don't have enough information to make a call. This POSSIBLY might be one of those is all I am saying since it is a more common occurrence even if it is the first time it's happened to the OP. Ultimately while we have different reasons for saying don't go on the next date, that is what i said for him to do, IF he is no longer attracted to her. Guessing he is conflicted or he wouldn't have bothered to post.
Watercolors Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 @Versacehottie: oh no, I meant, for HER to justify her behavior in those three ways that you pointed out. Those are three ways to interpret why she behaved that way. I didn't think you were trying to justify her behavior. I agree with your observation that her drunk dialing the OP was super clingy behavior. What would she call the OP out on though? Do you think he did something wrong? They never discussed exclusivity and it doesn't seem like he did anything to mislead her to think that, since he is multi-dating other women. I think the OP is clear why he is conflicted in his first post: It’s a bit disappointing because I would have pursued this woman over others I’m currently meeting as well, but last night certainly changes things. It sounds like her behavior surprised the OP, especially since he doesn't drink and her phone call caught him off guard because he was already in bed ready to call it a night. I could see how such black & white behavior from someone you have only been on 2 dates with, would be such a huge let down. A guy I liked turned out to be a raging alcoholic who can't hold down a job, and it's not how he presented himself online at all. So, I can empathize with the OP. I think he's right to end all contact with this young woman.
Author JEG88 Posted August 25, 2019 Author Posted August 25, 2019 Thanks all, she has since texted me today and is seemingly sobered up. She apologized for her behavior and says she doesn't remember much, and I told her it was fine. Her words and tone are definitely dialed back by a mile, I think she probably asked her friend what happened and is pretty embarrassed. I think a lot of girls FEEL exactly how she did about you not being in touch after two dates---but she expressed it because she was drunk and stupidly called you and let it out. Our second date was this past Wednesday. I had been in contact with her on Thursday/Friday, the issue was that for most of yesterday (Saturday) I didn't text at all because I was busy. Definitely came off as clingy, but as I mentioned above I think she realized her behavior yesterday since she seems much more subdued in her words/tone via text. 1
Versacehottie Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 oh cool, glad she apologized and regretted it. I honestly think so many girls feel this way. We get excited and guys are less used to playing the waiting game and the passive thing we are somewhat expected to do with letting the guy take the lead (no interest in debating how things ARE or should be; am simply stating how it is for lots of people or the confusion that comes with not knowing how to play things at the beginning, being impatient or excited). That she acted on it is a little impulsive and not the best judgement. TBD if this is a very rare occurrence or her character. Hope it turns out to be a great thing for you if you decide to go out with her again. Good luck 1
Normm Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 That drunk call with the clingy needy "why didn't you text me all day" (after meeting her only twice?) along with the heavy drinking was a sure sign of what you'd be dealing with should you be foolish enough to get involved with her. Make better choices. 1
OnlyHonesty Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 You are very lucky. She's shown you who she is. What you choose to do with that information is what will make a difference. Personally I only invite peace, wisdom, and good energy into my life (and offer only that to those around me). Such a call would have been cut short before she could even finish her first slurred word. 2
Versacehottie Posted August 28, 2019 Posted August 28, 2019 @Versacehottie: What would she call the OP out on though? Do you think he did something wrong? They never discussed exclusivity and it doesn't seem like he did anything to mislead her to think that, since he is multi-dating other women. Sorry i missed this. I'm not saying she is "right" but if she felt that his contact wasn't in line with what she expected or wants, she might have felt like saying something. I personally wouldn't have advised her to do this nor do i think it would have been the right thing to do at all--but needless to say, what people do is based on their emotions as well, not what is wrong or right. They do what they believe is wrong or right for them and often have trouble holding in emotions, see: alcohol. I think she definitely was feeling insecure and needing reassurance or dissed in some way without hearing from him. And no I don't think she was "right" but it certainly was some part of the way she felt. With your example of someone not presenting themselves as they are and actually hiding that he was an alcoholic, idk that i agree that this one thing she did should be extrapolated regarding problematic alcohol use. I'd be more likely to conclude that she is not good at communicating (needs alcohol to say something that she can't without), emotional perhaps, and immature perhaps with the partying talk or incompatible with the OP. I'd also perhaps want more info. Listen most people will not be perfect or disappoint at various points. People can surprise us in good and bad ways all the time at various stages. The fact that she apologized the next day is as much an "occurrence" and a mark of who she is as the night before is mostly what I'm saying. Don't have a crystal ball for who she is exactly and how things will turn out, just offering a different perspective. I think what matters most is how the OP feels about her after this. If he's still attracted to her, is really what he needs to decide. If he does go out with her I think the next few dates will show her character, stability, compatibility and all that.
Maggiemay1 Posted August 28, 2019 Posted August 28, 2019 Our second date was this past Wednesday. I had been in contact with her on Thursday/Friday, the issue was that for most of yesterday (Saturday) I didn't text at all because I was busy. Definitely came off as clingy, but as I mentioned above I think she realized her behavior yesterday since she seems much more subdued in her words/tone via text. After only 2 dates why would there be any contact during her vacation???! It should have been a case of “see you when you are back, have a nice holiday!” But instead she is berating you for not texting on one of three days so far!!! No apology can undo that clinginess! This actually has nothing to do with alcohol!! She thought that when she was sober and only related it under the influence! She is now trying to excuse alcohol for her thoughts and actions, but alcohol is only responsible for her actions not her thoughts. I wouldn’t date her again unless you like dating insecure , clingy women ! 1
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