annalilian26 Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 I (28F) have been friends with a girl (30F) for the last year. I have discussed how I have been struggling to meet men and have men notice me, which is something she is well aware of. She has a lot more success with dating than I do and has a tendency to brag about it incessantly with me (i.e., I get looked at non-stop at work, on public transport, i could get any guy I want, I could get any guy I want to approach me, I have over 15k likes on tinder and 350 matches, etc). At first I really liked having a friend who is so confident, as I find most of the women I know tend to put men on a pedestal too often. However, it has been tearing me down when we hang out because it makes me feel like I am unattractive and that there is something wrong with me. Both my housemates who met her told me that they think I am a lot more attractive than her, however when we go out, I do notice men stop and look at her frequently, so I don't necessarily doubt her romantic success. I also find that she often forgets much of what I tell her about myself and I am often repeating stories to her or important facts about myself to her, which gets a little frustrating as I feel I am quite attentive to her and make efforts to remember these things about her and ask her about them. She also treats men like they are quite disposable, in that she will have a number of guys on rotation, get bored of them and then go cold on them and often ghosts on guys. I have had this happen to me before, and it has felt pretty awful, so it also makes me question whether she would be capable of doing something like this to me as well. Am I perhaps overreacting here due to my own self-esteem issues or do these sound like legitimate red flags?
Watercolors Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 So you've been friends for less than one year? Why did you two become friends? Your friend sounds very self-absorbed and she doesn't sound like she really cares about your feelings if she never remembers any personal information you try to share with her about yourself. You need to decide if she's someone youneedas a friend. If she doesn't really contribute anything positive to your life, then why would you keep her around as a friend, especially if she is dismissive of your feelings about your appearance etc?
FMW Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 Truly confident people don't brag, they have no need to do so. True friends are interested in you and remember what you tell them and show interest in how things are going with you. It sounds like you probably saw her as possibly a good way to meet people (men) because she has such a different nature to yours. She likely enjoyed having you around so she could feel more in control and have someone to listen to her bragging. You feel worse about yourself with things she says and does. I think it's probably best you distance yourself from her. 1
MsHopeful0208201689 Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 Personally, if I were in your shoes I'd tell her how it makes you feel and if she isn't receptive to what you have to say and become more attentive and more humble, I'd distance myself. Friends are suppose to build you up, not tear you down or make you feel worthless.
stillafool Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 Why do you hang out with this particular friend if she makes you feel bad? Maybe you should chose friends who are more like yourself.
Foxhall Posted August 26, 2019 Posted August 26, 2019 Yes two ways could look at it, that a good friend is one that brings out the best in you and it would appear the case that your friend is not ticking that box, then on the other hand, your friend seems to be quite outgoing and is a good social outlet for you, I suppose have a think about which one of these is the most important, you might miss the social outlet if you do something to rock the friendship.
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 27, 2019 Posted August 27, 2019 Thinking emotionally: you should drop her ASAP. Thinking strategically: you should use her to meet people since she seems more social. Don't dismiss this - you could meet the love of your life through her. 1
ChatroomHero Posted August 27, 2019 Posted August 27, 2019 Sounds like she has low self confidence and craves validation. How she behaves with men and talks about herself sounds like a mask to me. If I am really confident in myself about something, I let the results speak for themselves. When not confident, that is when you overshare and try to paint a picture with words. You may be more attractive than her, she is just writing the narrative of how attractive she "thinks" she is. If she is a decent friend in most respects and you can deal with that personality, no reason you can just be friends and accept her for who she is. If she is not being a very good friend, not listening, not giving you a lot of though, not caring about you much...I wouldn't spend a lot of time with her because it won't be a very fulfilling friendship. I will say I have friends like that, that I can take in small doses. I guess I just end up being friends to a point. Once they get to be too much I back off. So while we are still friendly and can hang out, I wouldn't consider us great or in some cases, even good friends, but still friends. Sounds like maybe she fits the mold of a friend, maybe just not a great friend.
Lotsgoingon Posted August 27, 2019 Posted August 27, 2019 (edited) Wow, tricky one ... But ... what's not tricky is that you don't feel great around this woman. So, you definitely want to trust your radar ... someone forgets your stories ... brags about achievements in an area in which you have admitted vulnerabilities ... and you're worried about over-reacting. Kill that fear of over-reacting. Frankly, the evidence overwhelmingly goes the other way: that this woman is not good for you and you need to run asap ... But ... there are probably some really fun moments with this woman since she is so irreverent and so "confident." It would be OK for her to talk about her successes with men as long as she built you up, encouraged you ... and didn't get carried away with herself. (She has failed on all three of these points, it seems) Self-absorbed people ... when they have the opportunity to brag and praise themselves ... vs. the opportunity to be sensitive to a friend ... the bragging instinct always wins ... I am not sure you can learn from her as far as dating ... because her style seems to be 180 from yours. Sometimes trying on another person's style--even if there's is highly effective--just doesn't work for us ...like wearing shoes two sizes too small. See if you can tell her politely that her stories can make you feel bad ... it's usually better to get practice speaking up for yourself ... if that doesn't work ... then cut back time with this person. On her way of treating men, you come to a values difference ... Look this happens. We meet a friend ... we hang ... and then gradually learn ... OMG, this really is not a good person for me. And we pull away. Edited August 27, 2019 by Lotsgoingon
smackie9 Posted August 29, 2019 Posted August 29, 2019 She's not that confident if she is constantly pumpin her tires to boost her own ego. If you are not getting any benefit out of this, then stop hanging out with her. 1
NomiMalone Posted September 7, 2019 Posted September 7, 2019 Please dump from your life anyone, regardless of who they are, who makes you feel bad about yourself. (I’m not referring to people who provide constructive criticism, just people to whom you clearly don’t matter much, such as people who forget important details you’ve told them about your life.) Being around these people will eat away at your self-esteem. A true friend is supportive of you and takes genuine interest in your life, and vice versa. There are 10000s of other ways to meet men and make friends. You don’t need this person in your life. Who cares whether she is genuinely confident or not etc, not your concern.
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted September 13, 2019 Posted September 13, 2019 Sounds like she's got boys and girls on a rotation, get away and stay away.
mark clemson Posted September 14, 2019 Posted September 14, 2019 No reason to not stay friends, BUT I wouldn't put too much of my heart into it. She's likely to disappear at some point. (To be fair, most friendships don't last a lifetime anyhow.) Since you find her irritating, consider making her a "minor" friend and finding someone you relate to better as a more "major" friend.
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