JoL Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 I posted a little while ago about a casual relationship im currently in.. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t70861/ Well the latest confusion that i am being put through is- he isnt talking to me! We had a very childish "email" arguement the other day and he has basically said he wants to take a break from talking to me. It is so grade 7 if you ask me. I told him that i couldnt believe he was going to stop talking to me over something so dumb.. The argument was so silly and wasnt even about us!! He was picking a fight with me over why my friend didnt return his friends call. He got majorly pi@#ed off with me when i told him that i had been discussing this with her (i had apparantly no right to talk to my friend about this) and when i said that she has her reasons which if he wants to know, he should ask her (i told him over and over again to speak to her about it)...and to stop making me the middle man..i hate being the messenger. I basically told him i was staying out of it and it is none of our business. He then turned it around and goes its none of your business stay out of it and that it was all my fault for opening my big mouth to her...after i had just said all along i dont WANT to be involved..!!!!! SHE was the one who told me his friend had called, i didnt start the conversation or the issue with her first! She told me about it..and then the he (the guy im/was seeing) also brought it up...AT NO TIME did i ever broach the subject with ANYONE!! The emails he sent were so angry and frustrating...i honestly dont "Get" what i did that was so wrong, i didnt not return a call! it wasnt even ME!..it almost seems like he's looking for a fight. Do guys ever pick fights for no damn reason?? My girlfriend suggested that perhaps he is upset at something else and is taking out by blaming it on something else.....i dont get it. He just got so angry and upset and told me he didnt care what i thought of him and he didnt care if my opinion of him changed and that he will think whatever he wants (when i told him to stop getting so fired up over something completely unrelated to either of us.) So i havent spoken to him in 2 days over this..ive left him alone. I feel like im back in high school..honestly..
fusangite Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 Well the latest confusion that i am being put through is- he isnt talking to me! We had a very childish "email" arguement the other day and he has basically said he wants to take a break from talking to me. It is so grade 7 if you ask me. I told him that i couldnt believe he was going to stop talking to me over something so dumb..Right. So he has stopped talking to you for some other reason. Reading over your September 18th thread and looking at the issue you guys are fighting about, it seems probable that what he is really upset about is that this casual relationship is turning into something more committed, more emotional and more public. He is likely questioning whether this is what he wants. This "break" may well be a break-up.
Author JoL Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 To be honest, if he wants to break it off then that's fine with me, he just needs to be upfront and honest instead of this childish behaviour. I will be calling him on it because frankly, i dont have time for silly games. I wont be heartbroken if he doesnt want to see me anymore, he just needs to be a man about it and admit it!
Mary3 Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 I have not read your other post but I can say that if hes making a big deal and fighting with you constantly ,then he's just looking for a way out of the relationship. Well I just read it -which did not offer alot of insight but I stick by my above advice. What kinds of things are bothering him ?
Author JoL Posted September 29, 2005 Author Posted September 29, 2005 Eh..if he wants a way out he's sure found it! I dont like childish crap! It seems very strange to me, as he was the one giving strong signs of wanting more. Oh well! Im not upset, i just find it very funny how incredibly chilidsh he is being..!
Aimée Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 I read your other post a while ago. I'd say he wants more, but sees that you are not really inclined to move your relationship to the next level. This frustrates him of course and he becomes tense, that's why he picks up fights with you about childish things. They're just an outlet for his frustration. He's very frustrated, verly likely desperate as well as he sees you out of his reach and also hurt. It's not that he wants out, what he's trying to achieve (unconsciously) is getting some positive reaction from you. He expects you to see his hurt and show him that you care for him, that his feelings are important to you. Obviously you're not as much into him as he is into you, meaning he doesn't feel loved in this relationship. The reaction he hopes to get from you is that you tell him that you're sorry for hurting his feelings, that you care for him. He acts immature, but don't judge him too harshly, because if you had been more mature than him, you would have had a talk with him the moment you realized that he started having feelings for you which you didn't reciprocate.
Author JoL Posted September 29, 2005 Author Posted September 29, 2005 That's the thing....i do care about him and how he feels. I dont know that he really cares about my feelings much, since he wont even talk to me, but sends his friend over to pick up something of his from me..! I mean seriously.. He asked not to talk to me, so im leaving him alone. He has hurt my feelings in that he has a fight with me over EMAIL and then wont actually face me to talk to me about it for the next several days....Im an adult, when he wants to join me and be one too, then we can talk. There isn't much i can do when he is the one who gives me big long speeches about how he will never be ready to commit to anyone for a long time, and how he doesnt trust anyone...so what do i say to that?? "Oh i think you're in love with me but you don't want to admit it??" I have attempted to gently broach the subject with him about his feelings, ive asked him what he thinks of me, what he thinks of us together and things like this. I want to know where he stands, but everytime i bring up the topic, he tells me he is happy with the way things are. We have spoken and he has firmly said he likes the way things are and doesnt want to think about them changing, because they suit us for now. He even said if his feelings changed, he would say so. I have tried to discuss his/my feelings..is it my fault if he avoids this? I am so confused it's not funny.....
Aimée Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 There isn't much i can do when he is the one who gives me big long speeches about how he will never be ready to commit to anyone for a long time, and how he doesnt trust anyone... I guess, that's his way to protect himself, pretending very hard that he doesn't need anybody. He's trying to convince himself that he doesn't need you, but he obviously has fallen for you somehow even though he doesn't want it. People can lie when you talk with them, they tell lies that convince other people and maybe even themselves at the moment, but angry outbursts are reactions that come from deep within and they're a lot more sincere. The way you described his reaction I don't think it was faked, so you can bet that you hit a soft spot. I have no clue what you can do. If you want to try it with him you will need patience, patience and even more patience. Obviously he's not able to talk openly about his feelings or wishes, but needs someone understanding to listen to him. If he's worth it in other aspects and you feel able to handle a difficult talks you might give it a try, but make it slowly clear that he should start working on his communication skills and that you're not a clairvoyant who can read his mind. He should be willing to work on his issues.
Author JoL Posted September 29, 2005 Author Posted September 29, 2005 Thanks for your advice Aimée...i guess my next question is where to from here? What do i do? I feel like im chasing a little kid here... He's out of town this weekend with his friends, so i really have no idea what to do from here.
Aimée Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 The question is, what do you want? Do you want a relationship with him or not? I tend to believe that it would be the best to break the friends with benefits relationship off and take some time to breathe. He obviously has issues and you're also not sure what you want, starting a serious relationship right now would probably not work out. And staying friends with benefits only messes the situation up. I'd definitely take the sex out of the current relationship and try to develop a sincere and trusting friendship before I started anything new. Wipe the plate clean and start from anew. Tell him that you're not sure about your feelings concerning him and that you think it would be better if you broke it off. If it's just about sex it shouldn't be such a problem to continue as friends. If it's hard to break it off, you're obviously not only having sex, but there are also feelings involved and in this situation things can only get worse if you don't resolve them in a stressfree environment.
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