I am TOTALLY losing it!

[Grasping Straws]

Hello Good People and Fellow Sufferers. The following is my particular tale of woe. It's gonna be a long post but please, somebody read it and respond 'cause I'm in one hell of a fix. Also, please forgive any typos as I'm a bundle of raw nerves. My hands are shaking, my my heart is thundering so much I can hardly breathe, and my mind is in such chaos that I can barely speak coherently. My BP is so high I hear a constant ringing in my ears. I may have a stroke any minute.

 

My wife of fifteen years has given notice that she's tired of trying to "work things out", doesn't want to spend the rest of her life "compromising" and is ready to divorce. She's tired of me and doesn't care to try any more counseling or attempts at reconciliation. She says she loves me but doesn't harbor any more feelings of "being in love". She told me this after weeks after we had gone to our minister for counseling and decided we'd "give it another try". Not a lot of trying, in my opinion. I would probably be able to let go a lot more easily if we didn't have two young children. However, I am bound and determined not to let this happen because I think it would really screw up thier psyche and I also finally realized I really did love her (she had reasons to doubt that over the years) at that counseling session and was truly ready to change things "again". In order to save our marriage. I guess she wasn't. BTW, she's 40 and I'm 45.

 

Well, that's just part of it. See, she's an Austrian citizen and I'm an American. I'm living in her country now and can't get a job because 1) I don't speak the language and 2) They have laws which limit employment for foreigner to 9 percent of the national workforce. There are tons of people here from the former Soviet bloc and high unemployment. How did we wind up here? I had a great job and good pay with the U.S. government for 13 years but slipped into substance abuse (crack cocaine) when I was 38 and, of course, the usual downward spiral ensued. We got heavily into debt, I behaved like a textbook addict, and our live's went to hell. During the first 3 years of my addiction, I managed to keep her in the dark. But when money problems became overwhelming I decided I needed to get into some kind of program in order to try and kick the habit. At the intake they advised my to tell her my secret and I did. Which is kind of a good thing as she had suspected I had a girlfriend so I told her yes but no. My girlfriend was a drug which had completely taken control of me body and soul. She was relieved to know I wasn't stepping out but couldn't understand my addiction. She felt that all I had to do was exert will power and overcome. Rare is the person who can kick crack simply with will power. So, I went on a rehab merry-go-round of outpatient group therapy in 3 month blocks. I was free and clean during the 3 month's of therapy but within 2 weeks of ending I was hitting the ipe again. This went on for another year and a half while I smoked up tens of thousands of dollars. I felt hopeless. Then one day during a 4th or 5th rehab program, I that the ONLY way I would be free of that crap was to pick up and leave the area and leave my dealers behind. I was such a good customer they would give me credit and make home deliveries at any hour. I was making good money but never really saw it. We were heavily in debt and way behind on the mortgage. I was desperate to quit so my kids would have a "real" father and I wasn't happy doing it anymore - just hooked. I suggested this to my wife and she concurred. In fact, she suggest it would be a good idea to go to her country since her family would be supportive, provide shelter and surely someone as bright as me would be able to find SOME kind of employment. So, I got a buyout from my agency, applied for bankruptcy protection, and packed up our stuff to leave. Bought tickets for the four of us and shipped our household to her family's farm. In doing this I used up all the money recieved from the buyout.

 

Well, about the only good thing to come of it is that I'm now 2 years drug free, past the craving and will never go back to the ****. Otherwise, Her family was not supportive, (her brother saw us as a threat to his inheritence), we were gone within 3 months and getting a job is currently next to impossible. About the only opportunity I would have would be with the U.N. in Vienna (I'm rather sure I'm going to get something there, but they move with all the speed of any bureaucracy), I've had several interviews in my field but no decisions have been made yet. Also, my minister's husband is a big time lawyer with major networking and has started pulling strings since our last counselling. In the meantime, my wife has been shouldering most of the financial responsibilty and I've been getting dribbles of money hear and there as a contractor teaching English. To say the least, we've been less than cordial and are often at each other's throats. I admit that in response to her nagging, I have often been brutal in my return volleys. The frustration of trying to learn the language, dealing with major racism and xenophobia (BTW I'm black), not getting any decent employment, being virtually friendless and undergoing culture shock has made me a little bit crazy. I'm the type to hold it in until finally, I explode with a rage that is often cruel and biting. Note: I have never EVER been physically abusive. But I do realize that words can be just as painful.

 

More...even though we have 2 children, we've never been physically intimate. That problem started on our wedding night. She's always been unable to let go and enjoy lovemaking and my begging to tell me what it is she needs has been for naught. The average newlyweds have problem had more sexual intimacy in one month, than we've had in 15 years. That, too, adds to my frustration. In fact I think that may have played a role in my drug use, to dull the pain, but I am not blaming HER for MY going there. It just may have played a role. Nevertheless, I have never stepped out on her and simply provided my own sexual satisfaction. You should see my right bicep!! It was particularly enjoyable on a crack high. She finally told me this weekend that she now realizes she was repressed after speaking with some girlfriends. I believe that cruel old mother nature is awakening her sexual drive now, but she wants to share it with someone else since we are so dysfuntional. She says this is not the case but she does have emotional feelings for another guy and none for me. And if I don't grant an immediate divorce she wants an "open marriage". Uh, excuse me for jumping to conclusions but I take that as a very unsubtle code for "I want to have a sexual relationship with the guy I have 'emotional feelings' for." That hurts like HELL, especially since I have been faithful for the past 15 years of sexual frustration. Sometimes and a**h***, sometimes an addict, but ALWAYS faithful - that's just me. I'm thinking well damn, now that you realize you've been sexually repressed shouldn't I get first crack at truly making love with you as a reward for my faithfulness. Additionally, perhaps if we became truly intimate in our sexuality, maybe that could be a real start to mending and renewing? She says that because she's has no emotional feelings for me she doesn't think so. There is no describing how monumetally crushing that is!

 

So, I've been a physical and emotional wreck for the last two weeks and sometimes my nerves are so bad that I literally have to run to the bathroom and puke my guts out.

 

The children - she wants to keep them here and send me back to the States with Summer vacation visitation. I can't do that. I love my children too much and to be apart from them would probably bring on a stree induced heart attack within the first year. Also, we are very close and they would suffer my absence. I also beleive they need their father in order to have a semi-normal upbringing. That's one of the major motivations in my beating drugs. That and hopefully becoming a better husband to my wife. Then she suggested I go with my son and she keep my daughter. Again, I feel I can't do that. It would be doubly painful to lose a father AND a sibling. They are one of the few brother sister combo's I've ever seen who get along and love each other so much. I cannot tear them apart!

 

So, I suggested that I stick around until I gain meaningful employment and then move out to another apartment in our building or close by so that I could still be in there lives. I also told her that, even then, I would not grant an immediate divorce as I think she's going through some form of mid-life crisis and is acting under the terrible stress of being the sole bread winner. I'm thinking that if I give her some space and let her sort things out, we might be able to fix things up. Of course there's the possibility that her EA will bloom into a PA and she'll fall in love with this guy completely and not give me a second thought. I'm willing to risk it, because I now know I love her and will do anything as long as there is a glimmer of hope. At the moment, that glimmer is mine alone, but I simply cannot just walk away at this time. Regardless of our problems we were "in love" at one point. She's fallen out but could possibly fall back in if I show her what I truly mean by trying to change my ways and becoming more loving and communicative. Either way, I guess I'm stuck in this country until the kids are grown so I'm trying to get used to it.

 

That last paragragh may sound like the words of somebody either deeply commited or deeply stupid or deeply masochistic. At the moment, I want to beleive it's deeply commited because as she was convincing herself she was no longer "in love" I was convincing myself I was, in fact, truly in love. I think I'm willing to let her sow her wild oats and get through this change and shall be there when she's finished. Who know's maybe a year from now I'll finally be able to come to terms with her never coming back. Then I'll start a new life here without her, but I'm no way leaving kids - that is NOT an option In the meantime, I am going completely insane and behaving desperately to try and get her to change. I know I can't MAKE her love me, but at the moment I can't help but try. I realize my current desperation is counter-productive and probably resulting in driving her further away, but it's like I can't even control the actions. It just pours out. One minute I'm cussing her, the next I'm begging her. I AM TOTALLY LOSING WHAT'S LEFT OF MY MIND. I cry every day (but don't let her see it), I can't sleep or eat and I feel like a drowning man grasping at straws! Am I am fool to keep my hopes alive or what?

[Grasping Straws]

For anybody out there having problems with their beloved, I have three pieces of advice...communicate, communicate, and communicate. Honestly, openly and when you feel it!! I don't know if it would change things or not but in the two weeks after counseling I was coming to the conclusion that I truly was in love with this woman even with all her faults. Guess what? I never TOLD her, I never asked what she needed to see changes in and so she assumed, "Oh well, here comes the same old sh*t and he'll be back to what I don't like in short order." Never got a chance to implement my plan of showing her and proving my desire to change - mostly because I didn't COMMUNICATE this. And, as a result, I am now grieving even more than I did when my father died. If you feel it, think it, SAY IT. NOW not LATER!!! Later may be too late.

[Grasping Straws]

For anybody out there having problems with their beloved, I have three pieces of advice...communicate, communicate, and communicate. Honestly, openly and when you feel it!! I don't know if it would change things or not but in the two weeks after counseling I was coming to the conclusion that I truly was in love with this woman even with all her faults. Guess what? I never TOLD her, I never asked what she needed to see changes in and so she assumed, "Oh well, here comes the same old sh*t and he'll be back to what I don't like in short order." Never got a chance to implement my plan of showing her and proving my desire to change - mostly because I didn't COMMUNICATE this. And, as a result, I am now grieving even more than I did when my father died. If you feel it, think it, SAY IT. NOW not LATER!!! Later may be too late.

[Falcon554]

For anybody out there having problems with their beloved, I have three pieces of advice...communicate, communicate, and communicate. Honestly, openly and when you feel it!! I don't know if it would change things or not but in the two weeks after counseling I was coming to the conclusion that I truly was in love with this woman even with all her faults. Guess what? I never TOLD her, I never asked what she needed to see changes in and so she assumed, "Oh well, here comes the same old sh*t and he'll be back to what I don't like in short order." Never got a chance to implement my plan of showing her and proving my desire to change - mostly because I didn't COMMUNICATE this. And, as a result, I am now grieving even more than I did when my father died. If you feel it, think it, SAY IT. NOW not LATER!!! Later may be too late.

 

Boy do I know where your comming from. My wife is divorceing me to. She had an affair with a married man, tho she did seperate from me after seeing this fool 1 time. It went on and off for 4 months untill she relalized what a a-hole this kid is. He was 28 she 37 . I was there for her for the breakup, and now im just praying everyday that she sees how much I have changed and I want to be that man she wanted for years and I was not.

 

One good thing is we do communitcate much better now and she has not cut me off at all infact we are great friends now. Dont hate her at all for the affair I see where it came from. She is in the middle of a mid life crisis so who knows where this will go. All she asks from me is some time.