Relationship during nursing program

[scooby-philly]

An 18 year old does NOT go online dating looking for a long term relationship. They go online for validation only! They may end up in a relationship but only to continue that validation. Once they feel validated and secure they then move on.

 

I am NOT trying to break your back but I will ask why you don’t know this? Plus the fact that she hid you from her parents , why did you accept this? 2 years later , you should NOT have accepted that!? In fact you should have pulled the plug after 6 months.

 

She claims her parents don’t want her dating while studying?

Well she either accepts that or not! Or confronts it or or not. Someone / anyone would confront that if they truly believed in the person they are dating and considered it a long term thing.

 

I would feel sorry for you if there were no red flags. But there were plenty that you chose to ignore.

 

It’s not surprising that she is back online dating.

Block her and stop wondering. Get back out there and don’t date girls who are in limbo.

 

Good luck!!!

 

Yeah - well you definitely don't know how to console lol. And I have blocked her and I am moving on. And you know - not everyone is wise or smart in every area of life. You think I would have stayed if she did not have all/mostly what I was looking for and did not treat me the way I want to be treated? I wouldn't settle for someone who didn't have the qualities I want - I learned that lesson. But you are right - I was foolish in some regards, but people make mistakes and in the end, I did put my foot down, established my line in the sand, and I've stuck to my guns of which I am proud. So lesson learned.

[Maggiemay1]

Yeah - well you definitely don't know how to console lol.

And you know - not everyone is wise or smart in every area of life. You think I would have stayed if she did not have all/mostly what I was looking for and did not treat me the way I want to be treated? I wouldn't settle for someone who didn't have the qualities I want - I learned that lesson. But you are right - I was foolish in some regards, but people make mistakes and in the end, I did put my foot down, established my line in the sand, and I've stuck to my guns of which I am proud. So lesson learned.

 

I’m fairly sure you didn’t come here to be consoled . I absolutely know how and when is appropriate to console. You don’t need that here. I assume you came here for advice.

 

You stayed with her because she mostly treated you the way you wanted to be?

Wouldn’t you want to be treated that way in front of her family? You did unfortunately settle.

 

Don’t ever accept lame excuses such as she gave as to why she couldn’t introduce you to her family. If someone is proud of you and loves you there will be no excuses.

 

You deserve better!!! But I’m not sure you have learned that lesson yet.

[scooby-philly]

I’m fairly sure you didn’t come here to be consoled . I absolutely know how and when is appropriate to console. You don’t need that here. I assume you came here for advice.

 

You stayed with her because she mostly treated you the way you wanted to be?

Wouldn’t you want to be treated that way in front of her family? You did unfortunately settle.

 

Don’t ever accept lame excuses such as she gave as to why she couldn’t introduce you to her family. If someone is proud of you and loves you there will be no excuses.

 

You deserve better!!! But I’m not sure you have learned that lesson yet.

 

Well - I did end it and have started to move on - so I did learn the lesson.

[scooby-philly]

I’m fairly sure you didn’t come here to be consoled . I absolutely know how and when is appropriate to console. You don’t need that here. I assume you came here for advice.

 

You stayed with her because she mostly treated you the way you wanted to be?

Wouldn’t you want to be treated that way in front of her family? You did unfortunately settle.

 

Don’t ever accept lame excuses such as she gave as to why she couldn’t introduce you to her family. If someone is proud of you and loves you there will be no excuses.

 

You deserve better!!! But I’m not sure you have learned that lesson yet.

 

And yes, I can see - with hindsight setting in, that I was foolish in regards to her situation in many ways and I did settle. So hopefully that's the last lesson I need. But I know and can now act like I deserve better.

[scooby-philly]

I’m fairly sure you didn’t come here to be consoled . I absolutely know how and when is appropriate to console. You don’t need that here. I assume you came here for advice.

 

You stayed with her because she mostly treated you the way you wanted to be?

Wouldn’t you want to be treated that way in front of her family? You did unfortunately settle.

 

Don’t ever accept lame excuses such as she gave as to why she couldn’t introduce you to her family. If someone is proud of you and loves you there will be no excuses.

 

You deserve better!!! But I’m not sure you have learned that lesson yet.

 

You are right. I did settle. Apologies for a bit of rudeness on my part - I would chalk it up to being down in the dumps, but that's not an excuse. You are 100% correct - I did settle. I always settle. Settle for women simply because they say they want to be with me. There were signs I should have left just a few months into the relationship - not even counting her situation and what it entailed. I guess the child inside of me still feels unworthy of love and the young teenager in me feels the need to be with someone even though I "know" better. Hopefully, I pray, I've learned that I am valuable and I deserve as good as I give.

[basil67]

I deserve as good as I give.

 

I don't know about that. I actually think you gave too much - and when one gives too much, they get walked over. You were so focused on making live easy for her that you forgot to look after your own needs. All the loving and caring and being her biggest supporter and encouraging her sounds like you're sometimes crossing the line between boyfriend and parent. Pull back on what you give - stick to being a boyfriend and make sure to be treated well as a boyfriend.

 

To be really honest, there are a lot of us who need a partner who has the backbone to speak up when things aren't right. I need a partner who doesn't make it all about me. Those who let me get away with murder become boring to me.

 

So yes, set some standards for yourself. But stop being so giving and accommodating. She will stay and you'll be a doormat or she will get bored and leave. Either way, it's a bad outcome for you.

[schlumpy]

NEVER love something or someone so much that you can't walk away.

[scooby-philly]

Well I don't agree with the sentiment of not loving something so much you can't walk away. I mean, i guess in some regards I get it. I hope you wouldn't think that way if someone in a committed marriage walked away from a sick partner.

 

And to basil - yes, I can see now I didn't worry about myself and my needs enough and therefore I ended up wasting a lot of time and emotional energy.

[Watercolors]

Reading through your thread scooby reminded me of two family members who went to nursing school and the outcome of their relationships. One married after she completed her program, the other moved to another country. Both were 21 when they each finished their program.

 

The relative who married after her nursing program completion, met her husband in a bar her first year of nursing school. They dated "on" for the first year, then "off and on" for the second year, to accommodate her crazy schedule where she barely slept. Because, if she wasn't in the classroom, she was at home studying. And if she wasn't at home studying, she was at the hospital clinic working with patients. Any time she had, instead of using it for sleep, she fit in dates with her now husband.

 

So, while nursing school can be a hurdle for relationships because of the time commitment (same with law school or medical school). It's really about compatibility.

 

If you and your girlfriend were truly compatible, you'd still be with her. Also, from everything you wrote, it seems like you accommodated your ex-girlfriend so she could do her nursing school, while living 2 hours away from you. No matter how many times you replay every little detail of where the relationship went south, the fact is, you two were not compatible.

[scooby-philly]

Reading through your thread scooby reminded me of two family members who went to nursing school and the outcome of their relationships. One married after she completed her program, the other moved to another country. Both were 21 when they each finished their program.

 

The relative who married after her nursing program completion, met her husband in a bar her first year of nursing school. They dated "on" for the first year, then "off and on" for the second year, to accommodate her crazy schedule where she barely slept. Because, if she wasn't in the classroom, she was at home studying. And if she wasn't at home studying, she was at the hospital clinic working with patients. Any time she had, instead of using it for sleep, she fit in dates with her now husband.

 

So, while nursing school can be a hurdle for relationships because of the time commitment (same with law school or medical school). It's really about compatibility.

 

If you and your girlfriend were truly compatible, you'd still be with her. Also, from everything you wrote, it seems like you accommodated your ex-girlfriend so she could do her nursing school, while living 2 hours away from you. No matter how many times you replay every little detail of where the relationship went south, the fact is, you two were not compatible.

 

Yes. I've accepted it's over and am starting to move on. As a few respondents pointed out - there will always be "something else" - school, work, family, children, pets, a house, etc - that can and will swallow time whole. At the end of the day we chose what we want and what we want to give our energy to. And she chose to not be with me. I hope she comes out of her shell, I hope she learns how to live with herself and accept herself, because if she doesn't - this sort of thing will always be a problem for her. And I hope she gets the life she wants. And I'm mad at myself for not taking a step back sooner to look at all the incidents, the trends, the whatever - and not realizing her energy, even during the summer, never matched mine - meaning energy given to the relationship. I think if I would have pressed harder a lot sooner - a year before even - then things would have ended. She wanted a "relationship" w/o commitment. And it's my fault for not recognizing that sooner. But I'm proud that when push came to shove I stood up for myself. Now, perhaps she was bound to end it anyway so you can reasonably say I stood up for myself when it did not matter - but nonetheless I did.

[Watercolors]

She wanted a "relationship" w/o commitment. And it's my fault for not recognizing that sooner. But I'm proud that when push came to shove I stood up for myself. Now, perhaps she was bound to end it anyway so you can reasonably say I stood up for myself when it did not matter - but nonetheless I did.

 

So, walk away from this experience with those two life lessons:

 

- always stand up for yourself no matter what the outcome is

- she was not going to commit to you no matter what you did to change about yourself, because she never wanted a relationship with you that was committed

 

For your next relationship, you have these two life lessons you can lay out on the table when the talk of being exclusive comes up. Make sure your next girlfriend has the same commitment you do to the relationship. If she doesn't agree (which will appear in the form of her making excuses), then that's your cue to walk away AT THAT MOMENT from the relationship. Not make excuses to yourself, to stay, hoping that if you change, she will stay.

 

She's 20 and you're 28. 8 years of life experience you have over her. Try to date someone closer to your age next time who will be in an established career vs. just starting down the career path.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm sure it must hurt to invest a lot more than you get back. I could never bring myself to do that. I guess I'm too self-protective to extend myself with someone unless I feel secure that it's a mutual investment.

 

We all have lessons to learn in love. Hopefully in the future you'll only invest with a woman who's clearly investing as well.

 

It's good to be loving. It's also good to watch out for yourself.

[scooby-philly]

So, walk away from this experience with those two life lessons:

 

- always stand up for yourself no matter what the outcome is

- she was not going to commit to you no matter what you did to change about yourself, because she never wanted a relationship with you that was committed

 

For your next relationship, you have these two life lessons you can lay out on the table when the talk of being exclusive comes up. Make sure your next girlfriend has the same commitment you do to the relationship. If she doesn't agree (which will appear in the form of her making excuses), then that's your cue to walk away AT THAT MOMENT from the relationship. Not make excuses to yourself, to stay, hoping that if you change, she will stay.

 

She's 20 and you're 28. 8 years of life experience you have over her. Try to date someone closer to your age next time who will be in an established career vs. just starting down the career path.

 

Yes. I've stood up for myself before - but that was in other contexts. In this context, I think the lesson is there were way too many barriers and I was the only one committed to working around them. Any one or two of them would have been okay - but the combination of her not being allowed to date, her immaturity with relationships and her personality in some regards, the distance, and me not asking to get more out of the relationship was deadly. I tried my best and there's nothing I could do to change the outcome. And further proof, though I seem to have forgotten it - that people chose what they want/love with action. I should have noticed it earlier - I was convenient. As soon as she felt pressure - not by me but by her program - she was gone.

[scooby-philly]

I'm sure it must hurt to invest a lot more than you get back. I could never bring myself to do that. I guess I'm too self-protective to extend myself with someone unless I feel secure that it's a mutual investment.

 

We all have lessons to learn in love. Hopefully in the future you'll only invest with a woman who's clearly investing as well.

 

It's good to be loving. It's also good to watch out for yourself.

 

Well, I don't ever look at it (at the time) as "investing more" - though I guess I really should. I understand your point - it's not about investment in "money", "time", or any particular tangible things. One partner may always "make" more money, one person may always "work" longer/harder - it's the intangible of effort - which you can only gauge over a certain amount of time. And yes, I think one constant theme in the major relationships I've had is that I stick with people simply because they say yes. Now, each one had their own character and and different personalities. And it's not to say, for example, i didn't learn other lessons. But I think I'm always trying to be the "nice guy" and when my needs aren't met - I give them a chance to do it and in each case, something happens to end the relationship and I look back saying - dude - you should have left a long time ago.

[Ruby Slippers]

And yes, I think one constant theme in the major relationships I've had is that I stick with people simply because they say yes.

Are you afraid to be alone?

 

I go more to the other end of the spectrum - I'm particular because I know I can't tolerate much BS. If the man isn't on my level, I just can't get into it.

[scooby-philly]

Are you afraid to be alone?

 

I go more to the other end of the spectrum - I'm particular because I know I can't tolerate much BS. If the man isn't on my level, I just can't get into it.

 

The great irony is that I'm an introvert and I'm very comfortable alone. A lot of it has to do with having parents who loved me but couldn't provide emotional support and general life support growing up combined with getting teased remorselessly throughout grade school and high school and then having low self-esteem (especially when it came to dating). So rather than walk away at one month, one year because something doesn't feel right or I'm not getting my needs met, I stay way past when I should because the "relationship" feeds me enough to keep me around when in reality I'm not actually getting what I truly need/want in a partnership. But alas, I've been working on it and this will be another opportunity to learn and grow once the healing process has gotten me to a point of normalcy again.

[scooby-philly]

Are you afraid to be alone?

 

I go more to the other end of the spectrum - I'm particular because I know I can't tolerate much BS. If the man isn't on my level, I just can't get into it.

 

And I put up with shenanigans and drama that I should not. Again, I guess I don't hold others up to the standards I deserve because I like the feeling of being in a relationship, even if some or all of my core needs are not being met. In this particular relationship, I believe that we might have been in a better place if we were living together and she was more mature, but in the end, as we have all said - the situation we did find ourselves in did not allow us to work on things together like a healthy couple.

[scooby-philly]

Nursing school can be highly stressful, especially for a young person where much self-doubt can come into play. Trust her to know her abilities and limitations.

 

Hiding your relationship in itself is stressful enough. So maybe it’s not you, has nothing to do with who you are as a person in general, but maybe she just can’t deal with the stress anymore.

 

I think this is the most basic answer to the situation. It's been 16 days and there's been no contact and no word/sign that she has any interest in even staying friends. I realize that the age gap was, in this particular case, the starting point of the problem. While it might have worked with another woman, it cannot work with someone that has to hide from her parents (not just a relationship, but her personality, her thoughts, her actions,) who has no experience to fall back on to say she wants this, she has no experience with a mature, loving, mutual relationship, and she's been allowed to be selfish, immature, and doesn't care about the consequences to me. And she either lied to me and just doesn't want the relationship or just wants to be single and if that and her immaturity and lack of care for what we were trying to build is a sign - then bless her and I deserve better. Simply put - you are correct poster - it's not me and I wish her the best despite how angry and hurt I still am.

[scooby-philly]

Hey folks. Posting one last time with some updates and insights. Won't post more but if someone happens to come across this thread and it's helpful, please DM me or feel free to add.

 

It would have been our two year anniversary this past Monday. And today marks 10 weeks apart and 8 weeks of NC.

 

Wanted to respond again to some great comments, insights, and suggestions people replied now that I'm this far removed from things.

 

 

Amaysngrace - So maybe it’s not you, has nothing to do with who you are as a person in general, but maybe she just can’t deal with the stress anymore.

 

There was no stress. I couldn't have made it any easier. Perhaps the deepest part of her knew she wasn't mature and capable of loving someone like me and wanted me to be happy, but in terms of day to day stress, I couldn't be better in any way to make her life happy and easy.

 

Wanderlust2018 - It’s totally doable. Is she an anxious person in general? Does she get easily overwhelmed?

 

I agree. It was her excuse to run away. The reason doesn't matter. Whether she didn't love me any more, truly wanted me to be happy, was stressed, just wanted to sleep around, etc. Anyone who can act/say "loving things" and then two hours later leave someone, isn't a healthy person I want to be involved it. And yes, she has been babied, sheltered, and also shamed all of her life. She struggles fall term of sophomore year because she was used to school being easy through k-12. Now she's in the big times and she was struggling. And I was there to help her. Now she has no one.

 

Elswyth – The issue was not the nursing degree, but her stage of life and her relationship with her parents

 

100% agree. As I may have mentioned in the thread, I found out from someone that 5 days after she dumped me she popped back up on the dating site where we met. TBD I've snooped three times. First time it hurt, second two it didn't. In fact, it was validation that she wasn't ready for a real relationship and that she has a lot of issues she will need to address at some point.

 

Maggiemay1 - Once they feel validated and secure they then move on. I am NOT trying to break your back but I will ask why you don’t know this? Plus the fact that she hid you from her parents , why did you accept this? 2 years later , you should NOT have accepted that!? In fact you should have pulled the plug after 6 months. If someone is proud of you and loves you there will be no excuses. You deserve better!!! But I’m not sure you have learned that lesson yet.

 

Yeah - I don't think she was looking for "validation" completely. It certainly was part of it. But the ironic part is she's still at home and will be for another 2 years at least, and then after that, who knows, may be too afraid or controlled to leave - and her issues won't be fixed till she leaves, learns to love herself, and address the lingering bad traits. And yes, I completely agree. I was "love bombed" in the beginning and like a frog that gets slowly boiled, I didn't notice as the affection lessened, her interest lessened, and I chalked certain things up to her situation all while letting myself not be valued and deprioritizing my wants and need.

 

Basil67 - I actually think you gave too much - and when one gives too much, they get walked over. You were so focused on making live easy for her that you forgot to look after your own needs.

 

Yes/No. I didn't give too much, I gave too much based on how much she gave (little) and how immature she was.

 

Elaine567 - A guy who she has to hide from her family is not serious long term stuff, you should have bailed as soon as you found that out.

 

I agree. That's one lesson for me to learn. I thought I had learned that from the past, but I guess I ignored it. 8 months in I should have left.

 

Watercolors – If you and your girlfriend were truly compatible, you’d still be with her. No matter how many times you replay every little detail of where the relationship went south, the fact is, you two were not compatible.

 

Yes, I agree. Long-term we weren't compatible. I'm a sexual guy and she's not comfortable with her sexuality. I'm a no b.s. guy and there's a strain of "politeness" in her that blocks her from experiencing things. She doesn't do much or go out much, so the world is "instagram" to her - if it's hard or scary or new, she doesn't want to do it. And she didn't know how to express her needs and wants clearly so I was never setup for success. And yeah, I've hit some walls of depression and sadness, but it's really my heart recovering and my mind wanting to know "why", spiraling out of control. But I've been doing stuff to help address the spiraling and providing a lot of self-love to help me recover

 

Watercolors - So, walk away from this experience with those two life lessons: 1. always stand up for yourself no matter what the outcome is 2. she was not going to commit to you no matter what you did to change about yourself, because she never wanted a relationship with you that was committed

 

Yes. Not to get rude or crude, but sexuality is important to me and so is simplicity and honesty, and emotional support both ways. And I let all of that slide in the beginning because of the affection/love bomb and then let it go on because I wasn't consciously aware that I wasn't happy and that I was living in the future, not realizing the future is based on the present. If she is x way today, she will more than likely be y tomorrow, next month, next year. And yeah - that's a bit of the lingering sadness. I don't blame myself, nor would I let anyone blame me, for meeting her, liking her, falling in love with her, or trying. But I should have walked away at least 2 months before if not a year before - especially the first instance of her threatening to abandon me/leave. That was an incident that I should have realized truly revealed who she is and probably always will be

 

Ruby Slippers - We all have lessons to learn in love. Hopefully in the future you'll only invest with a woman who's clearly investing as well. It's good to be loving. It's also good to watch out for yourself.

 

Yes. I need to evaluate at 3/4 months, step back, and really do a gut check - am I happy, are my needs being met, and seeing how they act, talk, and share to make sure they're emotionally mature and stable and I'm meeting their needs. And yes, I need to watch out for myself. No more "good boy", my needs are normal and my wants are average and I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love them.

 

Lotsgoingon - People don't break off relationships they really like; And if the parents' influence is real ... then dude, you don't want someone that tied to a parent's opinion.

 

Yes. She made it clear her heart didn't match her words and I missed signs for a few months or longer. And yes, as I've been reflecting for the past few weeks - I wish her well and happiness, but I don't deserve to be with someone with the family issues she has, especially when at this point in her life, she hasn't confronted them. Because nothing will change.

 

Lotsgoingon - But that pain is compounded by your awareness that there were red flags you ignored and by your awareness that you dumped yourself by not making clear your non-negotiables and standing by them. Compromising on the basics doesn't work.

 

Yes. Again, I need to continue to reinforce my worth, improve my self-esteem more, and get back to being me and not settling for little when I can have and deserve XL love.

 

 

Spiderowl - It could be that she panicked at the thought of trying to maintain a relationship and complete her degree, if she was feeling particularly pressured at that point. I would suggest it is more likely that she feels you want more from her than she feels like giving at the moment, for whatever reason. She is enforcing a long break. If she does not miss you and want to spend some time with you when not studying, then she has lost interest.

 

No. In the end, she fell out of love with me. And no matter what I could have done or could have changed, she isn't in touch with her emotions and her needs, so I never had a chance. Combine that with the family situation and it was a deadly combo. As I've shared a few times, I couldn't make the relationship easier. And lesson learned - she told me in June she didn't feel like she wanted a relationship. She probably stayed for two months out of pity, but by that point in June she wanted to leave and get out. W

 

 

While the first 6 weeks were brutal and the past 4 have come with bouts of sadness, depression, anger, and more, I'm moving on, practicing self-love, practicing certain things to help rebuild my self-esteem and also address some personal things I want to change and I'm taking things slowly and being patient with myself. Thanks to everyone for your comments/views.