scooby-philly Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 Hey y'all Was an avid user in the past during previous relationships. Found the site helpful and decided to come on since my current relationship appears to be ending. I did not use the site at all during it - I though I had learned enough to find the right relationship for me now. Been dating someone for almost 2 years now. Met her online. Lives about 2 hours away from me. She's currently working on a nursing degree. I'm a few years older and already have my education completed and my career well underway. We argued 2 months ago because she's felt like she wasn't going to be able to handle a relationship as she moves from the easy courses to the last two years that involve clinicals and her preceptor program. I thought we had fixed it. But not that the semester is starting she freaked out and says she needs to focus 100% on her degree for the next 15 months. I'm heartbroken and sad. To give some context - she still lives with her parents who are strict and controlling. Not in a religious sense, more in like the "you can't date during school" vein. So we don't date "publically" with her family. We only see each other once a week. I've been patient, loving, kind, caring, affectionate, and more since we met, allowing her to be vulnerable and just trying to be her best friend and biggest supporter. I thought we could manage things till she graduated and then I would just need her to have one moment of courage to tell her parents about me/us - since she'll have to tell them about someone whenever she would wanted to be with someone. I guess I'm not looking for advice - just ranting. If I was looking for advice I guess it would be if anyone has advice on how to spot or ascertain earlier in a situation the level of commitment someone is willing to make. I've learned my lessons about not just being with someone because they say yes, to just be myself and live my life and I can find someone, and to hold to my non-negotiables and know what/who I am compatible like. I guess I should have known to be more upfront and "force the issue" a long time ago when she displayed an unwilligness and fear around the future. I guess that's another lesson to be learned. I hope it's the last before I finding that lasts for more than 2 years.
schlumpy Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 I didn't know that a nursing degree was that intense. I never would have guessed. It looks like you have accepted the 15 month break but then you didn't have a choice. Unless she is the one you want spend your life with don't go to extraordinary lengths to keep the flame alive. If her texting drops off or the conversation tends to have silent spots in it you'll know what's happening so try to make it as easy for yourself as possible. If she fails the nursing exams don't let her blame it on you.
Lotsgoingon Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 I've learned my lessons about not just being with someone because they say yes, to just be myself and live my life and I can find someone, and to hold to my non-negotiables and know what/who I am compatible like. I guess I should have known to be more upfront and "force the issue" a long time ago when she displayed an unwilligness and fear around the future. I guess that's another lesson to be learned. I hope it's the last before I finding that lasts for more than 2 years. These are powerful insights here. The challenge is to apply these insights--to enact them--in real time. But sounds like you picked up some weirdness about the future from her ... and that you hid yourself (or key parts of yourself) from her. Let me tell you hiding your real self ... just doesn't work ... and when you reach a disappointment like this one ... you end up twice disappointed. Disappointed first because she is dumping you. But that pain is compounded by your awareness that there were red flags you ignored and by your awareness that you dumped yourself by not making clear your non-negotiables and standing by them. Compromising on the basics doesn't work. Good luck.
Author scooby-philly Posted August 23, 2019 Author Posted August 23, 2019 For context sake shes 20 and I'm 28. We had talked about stuff like eventually living together and marriage. I guess my two lessons are to make sure someone is mature and to also understand the dynamic(s) going on. It's an intense program but won't be worse then working, owning a home, having kids, and having dogs, which she said she wanted. So at this point the ball is in her court. I told her I would wait 15 months but if she cant commit to seeing me at least 3x a month for a few hours then we are bot really in a relationship any more
Author scooby-philly Posted August 23, 2019 Author Posted August 23, 2019 This were insights from my past relationships...she was the one who was hiding. But point appreciated
spiderowl Posted August 24, 2019 Posted August 24, 2019 If she cannot commit to seeing you, then you are not in a relationship. Nursing degrees can be very intense, especially where student nurses are on placement. They are hard work and can be stressful. She would need support, but it sounds like you are prepared to give loving support. It could be that she panicked at the thought of trying to maintain a relationship and complete her degree, if she was feeling particularly pressured at that point. I would suggest it is more likely that she feels you want more from her than she feels like giving at the moment, for whatever reason. She is enforcing a long break. If she does not miss you and want to spend some time with you when not studying, then she has lost interest.
Lotsgoingon Posted August 24, 2019 Posted August 24, 2019 By all means, do not even think of "waiting" for her ... People don't break off relationships they really like ... because they are in nursing school ... or medical school ... or have sick parents ... or have a mom that is dying ... on and on. There will always be a "nursing program" ... like a first job ... with long hours ... Move on ... and remember, people often blame parents for an awkward move ... that's easily a way for her to soften the blow of saying she doesn't want to date anymore ... And if the parents' influence is real ... then dude, you don't want someone that tied to a parent's opinion. Move on. 1
Maggiemay1 Posted August 24, 2019 Posted August 24, 2019 It’s a shame that you didn’t post 2 years ago when you met her. I’m pretty sure most would advise a 26 yr old male NOT to date an 18 yr old , still living at home and embarking on a nursing degree. Most would also advise that if your relationship was kept secret from her family 6-12 months in , then to end it. In 15 months she will be qualified and that’s when she will likely want to leave home and explore the world! And a nursing degree is the best way to do that. Nurses are wanted in every country regardless of economics. My advice would be in future not to ignore potential major life changes in the person you choose to date. And when that person is significantly younger than you, ignore fairytales of white picket fences and dogs. She hasn’t asked you to wait. She has ended it. Sorry!
JEG88 Posted August 24, 2019 Posted August 24, 2019 As alluded to, the two of you are in very different life stages. At your age, being in the workforce vs being in college is a huge barrier with different priorities. This gets less pronounced as you get further away from schooling age since people are in the workforce already by then, but in your situation it was bound to be a breaking point. I would not wait for this girl, and you should realize your value and not have to wait. Next time you’re ready to date, I would suggest finding someone in a similar life stage. 1
elaine567 Posted August 24, 2019 Posted August 24, 2019 You are trying to make a wife out of someone who will not be ready to be a wife for the next 10 years. Waste of your time. She has in effect dumped you. Don't wait around. She has a lot of life to live in the next few years, she recognises that. You no longer fit into to her plans... Big red flag - no parental approval. Women especially, need parental approval as with future kids, women like to have their family around them. A guy who she has to hide from her family is not serious long term stuff, you should have bailed as soon as you found that out. Life is not the movies, love does not conquer all. Family is important, much more important usually than a bf... Dating a very young woman hoping to turn her into a wife is a foolish venture. She grows up and she then leaves to go check out the real world... Maggiemay is correct - ignore the fairytales of babies, white picket fences and dogs. Yes it is good to dream, but for most young women, that is well in the future, years and years away. She certainly doesn't want to be making babies at 22... Find a woman closer to your own age who is truly ready to settle down in the next few years.
Author scooby-philly Posted August 24, 2019 Author Posted August 24, 2019 @spiderowl I understand that they can be intense. Hence my full and total commitment to supporting her. And I don't put any pressure on her and I make myself the easiest part of her life. I don't think she's lost interest - I think she's afraid because she's always been the "smart one" and she's struggling in a college a bit because she went to easy public schools and now she's realizing this isn't going to be easy. But part of it it also she does not have a healthy, mature relationship with her parents. So while they could absolutely nothing to her when she graduates and is ready to start working, I think she's not able to see a life for herself beyond yet. @lotsgoingon Agreed - that's why I am letting it go, despite how much it hurts me. If she can't understand how to manage things now in her head, then there's no guarantee (no matter how much I love her) that she'll mature/change and be able to balance work, kids, a home, etc. @Maggiemay1 Well - I didn't purposely go out looking for an 18 year old and she wasn't looking for someone my age exactly. We met when one of the big online dating sites was trying out a new feature. I agree that I was always a bit uncomfortable and weary of the whole not telling her parents thing. I know she'll be "leaving for the world" when she's done the program - I stayed so long because I loved her and because up until the last two months - when she started i guess to dread this semester that's starting - she was very candid and frank about what she wanted - which included me in the picture. And I don't dream of fairytales. @JEG88 Agreed - while i love her and would have waited for her - if she can't commit to any sort of desire to see me - be it once a month or what - and she can't commit to wanting to be with me when she's done (in the form of accepting her eventual need to tell her parents) then I have to move on. @elaine567 Again, I don't dream of fairytales. And I wasn't in a rush to get married and have kids. I'm a man. I can successfully impregnate someone when I'm 70. And I hope you're less harsh on your actual friends and family then you are on strangers on the internet. I wouldn't go making assumptions about people that much. Anyway - mostly solid perspectives - thanks to most of you!
Wanderlust2018 Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 By all means, do not even think of "waiting" for her ... People don't break off relationships they really like ... because they are in nursing school ... or medical school ... or have sick parents ... or have a mom that is dying ... on and on. There will always be a "nursing program" ... like a first job ... with long hours ... Move on ... and remember, people often blame parents for an awkward move ... that's easily a way for her to soften the blow of saying she doesn't want to date anymore ... And if the parents' influence is real ... then dude, you don't want someone that tied to a parent's opinion. Move on. Second this. I work in medicine and have for a long time with many MDs and RNs...I’m talking hundreds of them, for context. I’ve also directly managed MDs and RNs and have known many through all phases of their education...be it med school, RN program, RN to BSN then to MSN, Residency, Fellowship, etc. They can and do have relationships, and successful ones at that. I’ve seen it first hand and it can and does work. My MBA program was super intense, I was married at that time, and my then wife was getting her doctorate at the same time. From my perspective, it wasn’t that difficult. My degree is arguably as hard and intense as they come. I saw an MD nearly flunk out of that gives you any idea. People get advanced degrees in all sorts of areas...medicine, business, law with significant others and in some cases, a spouse and even kids in the mix. But I digress... It’s totally doable. Is she an anxious person in general? Does she get easily overwhelmed? I am perplexed with the whole not telling her parents as an adult thing. Are they footing the bill for her education? Does she still live at home with them? I don’t think I could live in the shadows in a relationship for any reason, but that’s just me.
Author scooby-philly Posted August 25, 2019 Author Posted August 25, 2019 @wanderlust2018 Agreed - with retrospect kicking in I can see I should have forced the issue a lot sooner rather than waiting for the day she felt the pressure come on. Given her level of loving gestures and such to me I am still shocked she would decide to end it when I make little to no demands on her, but as other people pointed out - the age thing, which I didn't necessarily have a problem with, won out because while she may not be feeling like she's being tied down by being with me, she has no experience to fall back on to say - he truly is the one for me and I'm ready, even if i need to ask him to wait patiently, to make a commitment.
amaysngrace Posted August 25, 2019 Posted August 25, 2019 Nursing school can be highly stressful, especially for a young person where much self-doubt can come into play. Trust her to know her abilities and limitations. Hiding your relationship in itself is stressful enough. So maybe it’s not you, has nothing to do with who you are as a person in general, but maybe she just can’t deal with the stress anymore. 1
Author scooby-philly Posted August 25, 2019 Author Posted August 25, 2019 @amaysngrace I totally agree. I'm not perfect. And I make mistakes and I made my fair share of ones in this relationship. She told me quote "I hope you know I love you and want to be with you but I have to do this for myself. (meaning focus on school). I hope you understand". What I don't understand is why - days before profess love and send me memes that she shared from this cartoon couple that looks like us - and then decide just to end it. I mean, why not chat about it? Why not try to talk out something that might work - i mean, just find a compromise instead of just running and hiding? In the end though, you are right - it's not about me. I was loving, patient, kind, understanding, etc. (Not perfect!) And I wasn't even pressuring her right now. It wasn't meant to be and I'm thankful at least that I learned this about her truly and deeply before something like kids/house/her career came along. I really hope, despite how deeply I hurt right now and how angry part of me is, that she's able to confront her parents at some point, live with her true personality in public, and have an integrated, healthy life where she's comfortable with herself and has the life she wants. I would have waited had she given me even a little glimmer of hope. But I guess part of me is happy that it didn't work out because in hindsight, while I finally met someone who had the characteristics I wanted - accepting of me, letting me be goofy, sexual compatibility, simplicity, intelligence, etc. - I can look back and say yeah (maybe partly because of age and inexperience) she was very selfish, superficial at times, and thought "being cute" or "saying cute things" equated with actually providing love and care. But alas poor Yorick. Thanks to everyone for responding. It is over and while it will take me a few weeks or 2-3 months to heal, I know in my heart that I loved her the best I could, I gave it my all, and in the end, she made a chose that I can't undo no matter what I say or do. Probably going to stop checking the thread - but feel free to keep commenting if there's witty banter to be had between some of y'all! 1
Author scooby-philly Posted August 27, 2019 Author Posted August 27, 2019 So maybe I won't stop responding so quickly to the thread as I probably will need a few more days of intense emotional outlet to help start the healing process. It's funny - coming back on I discovered that I had messaged two folks I've shared a lot of mutual admiration for on here when I started seeing my ex almost two years ago. And their comments/advice were spot on. I guess it's proof that I was not originally thinking straight and that I eventually fooled myself into thinking it would last. I guess it's true - people do ignore advice, especially love advice, when it should be clear. Not insulting myself, but I guess I should have listened more and perhaps been a lot clearer upfront with myself and with her.
Els Posted August 27, 2019 Posted August 27, 2019 The issue was not the nursing degree, but her stage of life and her relationship with her parents. You would likely not have had the same issue with a 28-yo nursing student who was living on her own with roommates. 2
Author scooby-philly Posted August 27, 2019 Author Posted August 27, 2019 @Elswyth - Yes and no. It was a combination of her age, her family, her defense mechanisms, and her personality. I'm not blaming her - I certainly should have, in retrospect, realized a lot of these things as the more mature person. But...lesson learned. You're right - it wasn't the program, but that's not to say there couldn't be issues with someone doing it at 28....just may be a different set of problems. That said, in the end, yes - it wasn't going to have a happy ending for us both.
Author scooby-philly Posted August 28, 2019 Author Posted August 28, 2019 And I found out this morning she's already back on a dating site so it was all lies and excuses. I wish she could have told me the truth instead of lying. And now I wish I would have walked away a long time ago. Man, I got to learn to stand up for myself, lol.
Author scooby-philly Posted August 29, 2019 Author Posted August 29, 2019 Posting here so I don't reach out to her. Having mixed feelings, as expected - anger, frustration, resentment, heavy sadness, doubts about myself, my happiness, what I did/said, what I didn't say/do. I know it "wasn't meant to be". And I am glad that I found out these things about her character - lying, running away instead of communicating/working things out, and me loving here way more than she loved me and I'm glad I found out that I didn't really truly know her - and that I am deserving of better. Now, I understand age was partly a factor and that she may become a better person when she's able to break free of her parents' yolk - but don't bash me on the head her people! I was gentle, I was kind, I was patient, and I was loving and supportive. No halo and wings for me. Just stating. Just pain and sadness. I know it will get better. I know I will never know the truth to a lot of it. And I have to accept that last part now to avoid spiraling more than I need to. Thankfully I have friends/family who love/support me and I have outlets and I'm blessed enough to have the means to go out and do things and eventually meet the next person.
schlumpy Posted August 29, 2019 Posted August 29, 2019 go to the chump lady web sits and look up the 180. It should help you detach from your feelings. Post whenever you want. I'll listen.
Author scooby-philly Posted August 29, 2019 Author Posted August 29, 2019 Yeah...some of that stuff isn't applicable on her blog because we weren't living together or married. But some is spot on. Not contacting her and have let her go. If she lied to me I deserve better. If she is just lashing out I still deserve a partner who matches my love, commitment and effort
schlumpy Posted August 29, 2019 Posted August 29, 2019 The important thing is to have some structure and not just wing it depending on how you feel at the moment. You have something to draw you back to a center and not let you float to far away. 2
Author scooby-philly Posted August 30, 2019 Author Posted August 30, 2019 The important thing is to have some structure and not just wing it depending on how you feel at the moment. You have something to draw you back to a center and not let you float to far away. Yes - I understand that part. Thankfully I have some great friends and an awesome family to help support me through the grief.
Maggiemay1 Posted August 30, 2019 Posted August 30, 2019 Posting here so I don't reach out to her. Having mixed feelings, as expected - anger, frustration, resentment, heavy sadness, doubts about myself, my happiness, what I did/said, what I didn't say/do. I know it "wasn't meant to be". And I am glad that I found out these things about her character - lying, running away instead of communicating/working things out, and me loving here way more than she loved me and I'm glad I found out that I didn't really truly know her - and that I am deserving of better. Now, I understand age was partly a factor and that she may become a better person when she's able to break free of her parents' yolk. An 18 year old does NOT go online dating looking for a long term relationship. They go online for validation only! They may end up in a relationship but only to continue that validation. Once they feel validated and secure they then move on. I am NOT trying to break your back but I will ask why you don’t know this? Plus the fact that she hid you from her parents , why did you accept this? 2 years later , you should NOT have accepted that!? In fact you should have pulled the plug after 6 months. She claims her parents don’t want her dating while studying? Well she either accepts that or not! Or confronts it or or not. Someone / anyone would confront that if they truly believed in the person they are dating and considered it a long term thing. I would feel sorry for you if there were no red flags. But there were plenty that you chose to ignore. It’s not surprising that she is back online dating. Block her and stop wondering. Get back out there and don’t date girls who are in limbo. Good luck!!! 1
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