Girlfriend is puppy love obsessed with me

[renovationman]

Not sure if this is the right place to post this on... Anyways some backstory.

 

My girlfriend and I are both around 28 and have been together for 7 years. I first met her during Spring Break when I went for a jog (I'm pretty fit and take my health seriously) and she was at the park reading. I noticed her glancing at me and then burying her face in her book. When I finally got the guts to talk to her, she was very quiet and nervous for most of our conversation, and she kept playing with her hair and was blushing red. Her parents eventually came and got her and as we were saying our goodbyes, I asked her for her number and texted her later that week. As we began texting, I got to learn tons about her and actually found out that she's adopted and that her real parents, sadly passed. She doesn't have much friends outside her adoptive family, and her adoptive parents heavily sheltered her. I tried my best to make sure after our dates, I brought her back on time, and she literally was a lot of fun to be with.

 

However, after a couple of months of dating, she wanted to know what my goals and dreams were. She knew I was going to school to become an engineer and wanted to know everything. She found out what my dream car was, favorite color, the whole nine yards. She even found out that I was at the time pretty in debt (hospital bill due to an accident when I was 19). I remember her catching me off guard because she still has her family's heirloom in her possession (her late mom's ring that belonged to their great grandmother worth quite a bit) and wanted to sell it to help me pay off that debt so I could focus more on my goals and dreams. I asked her why and that she shouldn't ever sell something like that for anyone, that she doesn't owe people anything, and she told me she's a very giving person, and that's what she does for someone that she loves. I was moved by this and ended up kissing her, and it got pretty intense and had quickly led to things in the bedroom, and I ended up finding out she was a virgin, but she was insistent that things were okay and that she felt ready with me. After our first time together though, we became inseparable.

 

I noticed as months past, she started to get into trouble with her family because they wanted her to be back home, and at times she began to spend the night with me. After she did a lot of fighting with her family, they became open to the idea of her moving in with me. She asked me if I was cool because she wanted to be closer with me, and didn't mind that I lived in a small studio apartment at the time. Well I ended up talking to my landlord, who was surprisingly fine with it. One thing that I liked a whole bunch, and am appreciative of her, is she's well organized just like I am, so I didn't have to worry of things becoming a mess. During this time though, she wanted to really explore herself with me in the bedroom, and we were virtually sleeping together multiple times a week, and at times, 3-4 times a day. Eventually one of the condoms tore and she became pregnant. At this time she became way too smothering and needed constant attention, and at times would cry if I had other tings to do.

 

She's a fantastic mother and an amazing girlfriend, but I felt like she's become way too obsessed and clingy to me. I'm very satisfied with every other aspect of the relationship: she's fun to talk to and very smart, she always has my back and pushes me to always be my best, even when we're going through hard times, she sees me as Superman. I'm very pleased with how frequent things are in the bedroom, and at times would actually have to be the one that tells her no especially if I'm exhausted.

 

We now have a 5 year old. Put it this way, I know it's normal for moms of little children to be having that separation anxiety if the kid is having a play date and a night over with friends, which I saw happened throughout the years, but say if my friends and I go out for the weekend camping, she'd text me constantly, and by the time I come back, she'd act as if she hasn't seen me in years and would be all over me, and I could tell that she had cried when I was away. I have helped her get her own friends, but the same thing happens, when she's out with them, she'd check up on me, tell me she misses me, and would be all over me when she was back (she'd also check up on to see how our kid was doing here and there but would mostly after finding out they're okay, want to talk to me).

 

How do I get her to tone it down just a little? I sometimes feel smothered. I do love this chick and am insanely attracted to her (even when she had a mom bod, she put it all on the right places and I couldn't keep my hands off of her). I do plan on marrying her, and am saving up for a ring, but man.. usually the "honeymoon phase" for couples last a year or two, then it goes away from what I've heard... and it looks like it isn't slowing down anytime soon for us and it seems to only get more intense as things progress= first time together, moving in together, having our first child, I only wonder what it'll be like when we do get married. Anyways any tips or suggestions without coming off badly? I don't want to hurt her feelings, and I do at times like the attention because it does make me feel loved and appreciated.

[mark clemson]

Therapy

 

 

10 char

[kendahke]

I'd show her what you wrote here and ask her to talk about it with you.

 

She may be clingy because she's already lost two people who she depended upon for everything, so anyone she loves, she may feel she can't let them out of her sight because she will lose them, too.

[boymommy]

Suggest this to your girlfriend. I feel like I am her and this program helped me so much! They have phone meetings! Its called Codependents Anonymous.

 

http://www.coda.org

[boymommy]

I'd show her what you wrote here and ask her to talk about it with you.

 

She may be clingy because she's already lost two people who she depended upon for everything, so anyone she loves, she may feel she can't let them out of her sight because she will lose them, too.

 

Bingo. She suffered trauma due to the death of her parents and now has overbearing adoptive parents. This caused codependency issues...the clinical term for “clingy”

[preraph]

She does need therapy. She was adopted and I'm sure at least some of her issues stem from abandonment in one form or another, never being sure if someone will keep her, so she clings, but at least she is good in many ways, so I would tell her to please get in therapy. If you have to get in couples therapy first just to get her in the door, do it, and air your concerns there and flat out tell the therapist you think she needs individual counseling.

[Ruby Slippers]

She definitely has issues that no one but she can solve, with the help of a good counselor.

[smackie9]

I agree with everyone else. She needs therapy. Our behavior as adults, stems from our childhood...therapy will help her understand why she has such anxiety, and will work with her to extinguish her anguish. In a couple of years when she hits 30, things most likely will calm down too.

[Noproblem]

If it is not broken, why fix it lol.

 

What are you waiting for, get married already, I don't think she cares about the ring you are saving for! She doesn't care about money.

 

She only cares about you and her kid and maybe her adopted parents.

 

You try to change her or hurt her, and what you have now will be gone.

 

But does she works? Or study? I would encourage her to start studying at a community college. That will change her life, perspective and will tone her dependence down because she will be busy studying

 

Can you imagine how awesome a girl like her being a nurse? or the doctor? or Dentist, she will be a very kind and awesome to the patients.

 

She has potentials, let her use it in the right direction.

[Maggiemay1]

I find it interesting that you go into detail about how you met and the first year of your relationship, skip the bones and then go into detail about the last bit and refer to her as “this chick”?

 

Did she end up using her mother’s ring to pay off your debt???

And you stayed with her because you owed her???

 

Her clinginess hasn’t become a recent thing. She was always that way. Why after 7 years is it suddenly an issue for you?

I sense you enabled it from the beginning? In the beginning you kind of liked that some “chick” was THAT into you?

But now you aren’t that into her??

There is nothing standing in the way of yuu getting married.

She clearly doesn’t care that much about rings, it’s just money, easy come easy go right?

 

How old was she when she was adopted?

[elaine567]

Be careful what you wish for.

You have after 7 years a woman and the mother of your child who loves the bones of you.

Not many can say that.

Try not to knock it.

[boymommy]

Upon reading everyone else’s posts I have to wonder if you yourself OP have some personal issues you arent addressing. It is extremely common for anxiously attached and avoidantly attached individuals to be attracted to one another. You have been with her 7 years and say its her clingyness that is an issue, but let’s be real..you stayed for 7 years and say you plan to marry her. So I am guessing there is more to it then that. Generally couples who fit the anxious/avoidant profile fall into a the kind of push/pull cycle you described and only can get out of it with both of them doing work on themselves. I would encourage you to do some reading on this. Are you pushing her away (avoiding intimacy/attachment) just as much as she is craving it? That creates that kind of cycle.

 

Its extremely common for avoidant people to just peg the person they are with as “clingy” and basically have no insight intp why they themselves are attracted to that person or why they stay. Find that out!

[smackie9]

There is healthy attachment and then there is unhealthy attachment. She has always been too dependent, and this was never seriously addressed to help her. Avoiding her or the subject will only exasperate the issue and make it hard on your relaitonship to where you find yourself now. Get out from under that rock, and help her get some therapy...go with her. It takes two to repair a relationship and to keep it strong. Good communication is key.

[preraph]

She would learn to manage her insecurities better. It won't just change her overnight or make her stop loving you.

[Lotsgoingon]

You gotta bring this up ... and honestly, you don't want to marry someone if you are feeling like they are all over you ...

 

I have a friend ...married for decades ... he and I go out ... and his wife is texting him ... no way this is an accident. She isn't texting him about getting milk on the way home ... She just apparently likes some kinda control and constant contact.

 

What happens when you're married to someone like this ... is you'll lose your sexual attraction you'll have for her ... because romantic and sexual attraction require some healthy separation so that people can come together. But when someone is all over you ... you don't experience the "separation" required for attraction.

 

This is not a minor matter.