The inevitable run in

[spiderowl]

You were respectful, a gentleman, bought her a drink as you happened to be beside her, and you left without trying to gain her attention so without saying goodbye. You did all the right things when it comes to an ex. You do not owe her anything but you behaved impeccably. That shows manners and self-control.

 

You seem very intelligent and self-aware. You know no good would come of trying to establish any contact with her. If she contacts you with a view to getting back together, that's a different matter though you should still be wary as she left you once.

 

You sound a great guy and you deserve to be with someone who doesn't give up on the relationship like she did.

[Marc878]

Ignore it. Sounds like it could've been an error on her part anyway.

 

Why not just block her. No future there.

[elaine567]

You did nothing wrong, you acted in a civilised way. It was natural, it was good. No-one could really fault you.

 

I do not believe in being cool and aloof as being a way to stand a better chance of getting an ex back, not an ex in which you were in a proper relationship with anyway.

It is not what you do, it is how she feels about it.

Truth is you could have stood in the club sobbing your eyes out pledging undying love being what some call "weak" and "clingy" and if she wanted you back she would have accepted you back with open arms.

IF she didn't want you back there was nothing you could do to change her mind.

 

Too many put a huge burden on themselves, but at the end of the day it is usually not up to them, what they do, what they say, how they behave is now irrelevant, the "damage" was usually done a long time ago.

It is now up to the other and how they feel about the situation to decide the next step. As here, she is the dumper, the onus is on her.

I think if she wanted you back, she would have made more of this opportunity to re-connect.

Sorry!

[Buffer]

Yeah . . . well, now I'm getting a little anxious that she won't try again, and I am tempted to reply. I still *might* say something, but . . . not sure how that would come off.

 

Man . . . part of it is just that I really had no idea what to say, and yesterday got busy.

 

Well . . . I suppose now I try to go back to not thinking about it.

 

Give her a reply, it won’t hurt, she may be just trying to be nice. It isn’t a marriage proposal.

It could be just good manners to say ‘thanks it was a good link’.

[HiCrunchy]

She broke up with you. You were way too available when you ran into her. An "oh, hey" and then a quick departure was the correct way to handle it. Instead, you were like putty in her hands, acting sentimental about places you had been, buying her a drink, etc. Next time, don't be like that.

 

Agreed agree.

Too available.

[Marc878]

It seems like you're living on hopium. Grasping at straws. Analyzing everything trying to see something even if it isn't there.

 

The one true thing in getting dumped. If you chase they always move farther away.

 

Being civil is one thing. Being overly friendly after getting dumped just lowers your status. It tells her she is worth more than you and comes across as unnattractive.

 

She's a want but you don't need her. There is no one and only, soulmate.

 

The constant in these things is "it was wonderful, amazing, we were so in love, etc. Nope, you are just projecting your feelings onto her. Obviously she wasn't feeling that or you wouldn't have been dumped.

 

Cut off and block all contact and go your own way. It maybe tough upfront but it's a lot better than living on hopium and wasting yout time tying yourself up in this. The only one keeping you where you are is yourself.

[Optimystic]

 

I have to admit I am very tempted to write something back, even if it just to ask, "What is this?

 

But I'm not sure I want to open that door. I'm not sure she does either. I say that, of course, knowing that a certain part of me does want to open that door, or I wouldn't be writing in here.

 

I know that's not a lot to go on, but what does it sound like to you?

 

 

 

I was in a similar situation about a month after my ex boyfriend broke up with me.. he sent me a text (well, a picture) of a goat related thing, which was sort of an inside joke between us.. or something I found amusing when we were together, anyway. No words, just the picture. I thought, wow, he got over it really quickly and is trying to be my friend now? Nah.. not having it. I also considered that he was just messing with me. Whatever the case, it felt like a pick at a scab.. and I didn't like it.

 

I never responded to that.. just ignored it. But I was tempted like you to ask why he sent it. I didn't want to give him any attention though.. so that was that.

 

Who knows why she sent that.. but it could be a breadcrumb, it could be that she is trying to just be friends now, but there's no way you bounce back that quickly to just being friends. If you're going to try it, there needs to be a lot of time between the breakup and deciding to be friends.. like a year or longer. I personally don't think it's a good idea.. and will only result in pain.

[xxcazaxx]

When I came out of a 10 year relationship the best thing that my ex did was cut all contact. It hurt so much but with hindsight was the best thing that he could have done. It took me 2 years before I felt ready to start dating again afterwards too. Dont feel like you have to rush into dating someone new.

[jackofmany]

Well . . . I was preparing to let the waves close over that last incident, with some embarrassment about being a little bit of a dork, but something else happened which allowed me to be a little more of a dork, so here I am again.

 

It does seem odd that we had ZERO contact for five months, and then I get that text, then bump into her out at a bar. That second bit is coincidence mostly, although I kind of knew there was a chance it could happen.

 

But then, last night, I went out to grab some food at a restaurant I go to often, like very often. If there was one place to pick to avoid to not run into me, that's the place. Over the last few months, I'd come to understand it was a pretty safe zone.

 

Generally, when I go out, I try to at least look decent, but last night I was tired and wasn't really thinking of anything but grabbing some food and a couple glasses of wine and calling it a night, so I went out without bothering to change. It's a low stakes place for me and I wasn't concerned.

 

So I get there and the owner makes a few jokes with me before I can sit down, and I don't really even have the energy to joke back. I'm just tired and not in the mood for socializing.

 

I kind of awkwardly separate myself from the conversation and head to the bathroom to wash my hands. As I do I scan the bar for a place to sit and what do I see but my ex sitting there with the same guy she was standing next to the night we talked in the bar, her gay friend.

 

Several feelings came over me. First, what is she doing here? She doesn't come here. I'm pretty sure she stopped going there because I go there all the time. Second, thank god she's not on a date. That would have crushed me. And third, why does this have to happen on a night when I am physically drained and dressed poorly. All of these feelings come over me while I am washing my hands and thinking, "Maybe I should just say a quick hello, then make some kind of improvised exit."

 

But there's only so long one can wash one's hands. I had to go back out there.

 

I sat down a barstool away from where they were and ordered a glass of wine. I wasn't just going to bolt for the door. Believe me, I think everyone felt a little awkward at this point.

 

I thought about some of the advice I'd gotten here. More or less, "Be polite and keep it short, then get out of there."

 

But I also thought, "I came here to get some food. I'm hungry, and why should I be chased out of my own usual spot." So I stayed.

 

Once again, we fell into conversation, although this time it was between the three of us. I tried to stay somewhat disengaged, but it was kind of tricky, because when I did that, I was just kind of by myself and I didn't feel like sitting next to them and just staring at my phone.

 

So I talked. I don't know about what. Mostly superficial things. I made sure to keep it a conversation between three people. During the course of the conversation, I ate my sandwich and realized I could now leave without looking like I was running away.

 

I got the check and settled. Then things kind of did not go how I expected. They also paid and walked out just behind me. Her friend said he had to go, and she implied that she wouldn't mind having one more drink somewhere.

 

And yes, I said sure.

 

So we went to another place, and had a drink and talked some more. It was mostly easy, though there was some tension. We didn't touch too much on our relationship, though it was impossible not to acknowledge here and there.

 

She wanted to show me a couple of pictures from her birthday out of town, in the city we used to like to visit together. I know what kind of pictures she takes and there was no way these would not be hot. I told her I'd love to see them but I might not survive them. It was just a joke, but it was the first time in months I acknowledged that I still found her pretty unbelievably attractive.

 

They were what I expected. One in a beautiful dress and one in a bikini.

 

I am hesitating to write what happened next, because I'm still not sure my head is around it, but we finished those drinks and left the bar and she asked if I wanted a ride home. I said sure.

 

When she dropped me off at my place there was a moment when we just hugged. It was a long hug. The kind that would sicken many of you. But that's what happened. Then I kissed her. I just seemed like the thing to do. So now we are kissing a good amount. I mention that I would invite her in, but we both seem to kind of get that that isn't the right thing to do at the moment.

 

So somehow or another we say good bye. That part is a bit of a blur. I was already trying to process what had just happened even as I closed the door of her car.

 

What does this all tell me? It tells me there is obviously still some attraction, that I was at least right about that. It also kind of tells me that we are both not ready to rush in to anything, because if we were she would have come in to my apartment.

 

I don't think she expected that to happen. Though I also don't think she just coincidentally showed up at the one place I was most likely to be.

 

People here have said beware of just this kind of circumstance. She could just be looking for validation after something disappointing happened in her dating life. I don't know much about it, but I know she's at least been dating, and so have I.

 

I've not gotten involved in anything serious, but a number of women have expressed interest, so my confidence has been returning.

 

I'm sure that's part of why I was able to talk to her without coming off as pathetically hung up on her. I've never stopped missing her, but getting a lot of attention from other women kind of helped me realize I'd be fine.

 

Oh man . . . I don't know. I just wonder what that was all about. I wonder if she regrets it. Make no mistake. When we hugged, I made sure to hold on longer, to let her feel this was not an ordinary hug. And when we kissed, I initiated it. I hope that wasn't too forward of me.

 

I mean, she kissed back, so I am assuming not. But I wonder what she is wondering now, if she is wondering anything at all. We didn't say a thing about it when we said goodbye.

 

I'm not making more of this than what it was. I'm just saying I wasn't expecting it and it was harder to stay detached than I thought it would be. And obviously, my head is spinning a bit over it, or I wouldn't be writing here.

Edited August 29, 2019 by jackofmany

[Calmandfocused]

I sincerely hope I’m wrong with what I’m about to say op:

 

I think she was looking for validation from you. Proof that you still want her, are not over her and still attracted to her. In which case you’ve given her that validation and she now has the potential to break your heart all over again.

 

The other reason could be because she misses you and wants you back. However I think that’s unlikely. The reason being is because if that was true she could have called or messaged you like she did the video and clearly let you know her intentions.

 

I’m more inclined to say she’s playing games with you. But like I said, I hope I’m wrong.

 

Do you want her back?

[Silver_star]

Have you texted or talked to her after she left?

I would have expected to hear something after she left...or today.

What do you want to happen?

[Marc878]

Unless they make it very well known that they want back in you don't have much.

 

Stay NC. If you chase they always pull away.

 

I'd let her chase. If not you'll probably be in for dissapointment.

[jackofmany]

I sincerely hope I’m wrong with what I’m about to say op:

 

I think she was looking for validation from you. Proof that you still want her, are not over her and still attracted to her. In which case you’ve given her that validation and she now has the potential to break your heart all over again.

 

The other reason could be because she misses you and wants you back. However I think that’s unlikely. The reason being is because if that was true she could have called or messaged you like she did the video and clearly let you know her intentions.

 

I’m more inclined to say she’s playing games with you. But like I said, I hope I’m wrong.

 

Do you want her back?

 

 

I hope you're wrong too, but I don't think you are. It's just a gut feeling.

 

This is pure speculation, but I'm thinking maybe she hooked up with someone else pretty quickly after we split, and then that didn't end up working out, so know she's checking in with me.

 

I don't think she is deliberately playing games, but I think she is looking for validation and I am providing it, at very little cost of effort to her too.

 

Each time I ran into her, I gave her more than I intended.

 

As someone else mentioned, I would have expected to hear from her by now as well if there were something else to it.

 

But I won't reach out either.

 

When I am not in her immediate sphere of physical influence, I can make rational decisions.

 

What I am finding out is that when I am around her, I am an idiot.

 

Do I want her back?

 

Well . . . brain says no, she left before; she could leave again just as easily. heart says yes.

 

But my heart has made me jump through some pretty silly loops in the past.

 

One thing though, I will not chase her. I would expect the next time we see each other there will be a decidedly more detached manner to the experience, and less physical contact.

 

Unless it goes completely the other way.

 

In any event, I've got to get my equilibrium back. I was starting to be fine with the no contact thing, though I really never did stop missing her.

[mark clemson]

Like the advice above.

 

I'd add that IF this go round doesn't pan out (and I mean over a few weeks here, not days) suggest you go strict NC at that time. If she truly wants a second chance/rekindle things, great. If not, her "validation" comes at the price of continuing to trigger, and extend, your breakup blues. So, that wouldn't be fair/healthy.

 

The fact that she made out with you even though you were a bit "disheveled" suggests emotional sincerity to me, although whether it's a sincere need for validation or a sincere desire to restart things isn't clear.

[Marc878]

NC takes some time. Any contact just resets the clock.

 

Bud, if she wanted you back you'd know it. It wouldn't be a guessing game. So that is your answer.

 

You're probably correct. She dumped you for someone else. That happens @ 99% of the time. You probably just didn't recognize it. It didn't work out so she's looking for a validation is.

 

If you run into her again fight doing the "pick me dance". You realized that after the fact but all that ever does from what I've seen is just lowers your status.

 

You'll be fine long term. It's just getting there is the hard part.

[mark clemson]

she could have called or messaged you like she did the video and clearly let you know her intentions.

 

 

I really agree with your post C&F. To just this one specific point, it sounds like this woman has an "indirect" communication style when it comes to relationships. Hence the text pic with no explanation and simply showing up at the place to meet him, etc.

 

In a way "indirect" can be very direct. i.e., she made herself available to him. The weakness of course is the ambiguity - what does she really want? She may still be figuring this out herself.

 

Further thought: It's interesting that she had her gay buddy along. She's insecure enough about this to feel like she needs a wing-person, which may again indicate emotional sincerity. She's probably been talking to him a lot about OP here and bounced things off of him as she processes her feelings. I wonder if he suggested just showing up at OP's usual dinner spot.

[jackofmany]

NC takes some time. Any contact just resets the clock.

 

Bud, if she wanted you back you'd know it. It wouldn't be a guessing game. So that is your answer.

 

You're probably correct. She dumped you for someone else. That happens @ 99% of the time. You probably just didn't recognize it. It didn't work out so she's looking for a validation is.

 

If you run into her again fight doing the "pick me dance". You realized that after the fact but all that ever does from what I've seen is just lowers your status.

 

You'll be fine long term. It's just getting there is the hard part.

 

Oh, I get it. Like I said, my brain knows all of this.

 

And I am out of the hardest part of getting over it. I know that too. I have no desire to go back to that.

 

I'm not sure I did the "pick me dance" in either case, although it was something close.

 

I walked away the first time, and the second time if anyone was looking for anyone it was her looking to run into me.

 

But yes, I do see your point. She's getting what she needs without effort. I'm sure that's helpful to her, and I don't think she's necessarily aware she's doing it (though I am inclined to always think people are acting out of the best intentions and I am clearly not always right), but getting what you want without effort doesn't stay interesting for very long.

 

My take at the moment is this: IF I were careful about it, this could turn into something. But what that something is I don't know, and I don't know if it is wise to find out.

 

Her leaving hurt like crazy. Even if she left for someone else (and let's face it, there's no reason she wouldn't have done that. Men fall all over themselves trying to get her attention), I own at least half of what went wrong leading up to that.

 

I've done some thinking about all that, and whatever my next relationship is I intend to learn from those mistakes.

 

The truth of the matter is that after relationships have broken up, I have gotten back together with exes EVERY SINGLE TIME I've wanted to. It's always been a bit of an effort, but it has always worked . . . for a while.

 

But obviously not forever. Or I wouldn't be writing in here.

 

Could be the lesson right there.

[jackofmany]

I really agree with your post C&F. To just this one specific point, it sounds like this woman has an "indirect" communication style when it comes to relationships. Hence the text pic with no explanation and simply showing up at the place to meet him, etc.

 

In a way "indirect" can be very direct. i.e., she made herself available to him. The weakness of course is the ambiguity - what does she really want? She may still be figuring this out herself.

 

Further thought: It's interesting that she had her gay buddy along. She's insecure enough about this to feel like she needs a wing-person, which may again indicate emotional sincerity. She's probably been talking to him a lot about OP here and bounced things off of him as she processes her feelings. I wonder if he suggested just showing up at OP's usual dinner spot.

 

Thanks by the way. I appreciate your take on things, and am inclined to see things very similarly.

 

You've been pretty spot on about all of it. Except I'm not all that young, just occasionally foolish enough to seem that way

[nolanola]

OP, I say just wait and see what happens. Although I agree that we don't know what her motivations are yet, I disagree that a woman will always be very direct in wanting to get back together. Meaning, she may want that but be uncertain how you feel. Or she might not want to get back together YET but is wanting to feel you out and see if you would be open to that if she decides she wants it. I agree it is a distinct possibility that she was with someone else (or thought she was going to be) and then it didn't work out and she's trying to reaffirm her attractiveness. Regardless, clearly, she is still attracted to you and enjoys being around you. Whether that goes anywhere, it's hard to say.

 

How long has it been since you guys broke up? A few months? I'm not sure if that's long enough for things to be different this time but I guess anything is possible. I would just try to protect your heart and proceed with extreme caution. Do you think you guys could have a conversation about what is going on? I can almost guarantee she is wondering how you feel about things. Maybe just to settle things in your own mind? I dunno. I think I would rather know instead of sitting there wondering if she wants to get back together. On the other hand, maybe you should decide whether you want her back first and go from there.

[Calmandfocused]

I’ve no doubt that the run in was an “accidentally on purpose” type manoeuvre on her part. The video breadcrumb didn’t work in terms of a response so this next breadcrumb became a whole lot bigger.

 

You’re right op, it’s probably not a conscious motivation of hers. No doubt she has struggled since the breakup too. Add into the equation the fact that dating itself is hard work, confusing and unpredictable, an ex’s attention can feel safe and comforting.

 

The only thing you can do now is change your approach/ response. If you see her there is no obligation for you to interact, eat and travel home together. You can always be friendly, acknowledge her, say hello, exchange a few pleasantries if necessary, and then carry on with your day doing what you intended.

 

It will be interesting to see what she does next.... However watch out for further breadcrumbing/ validation seeking. If she does come back to you think carefully about whether that’s what you want as from what you’ve written, I’m not sure it is.

[Morello]

There is a huge power imbalance going on there, therefore I think there is no way for you to get a good outcome out of that.

 

You keep saying you're not chasing her but it only takes her to rock up for you to "lose it" and start acting all lovey dovey for someone who dumped you.

 

It's pretty clear to her that she has you in the palm of her hands. It would've been much better to decline her inite for a drink, honestly. She's getting what she wants, when she wants, the way she wants.

 

You should make her work much harder than you are. Right now all she has to do is rock up and you'll do all the rest (complimenting, initiating kissing, etc). I hate to use Corey Wayne jargon (a I think he's wrong a lot of times) but the whole way you described this interaction made me think that she's acting like the man in the situation. She went there, got what she wanted, gave you lift home, and left. She sents a video (without a word with it) and makes you heart pump just like that.

[Blanco]

I guess time will tell, but I wouldn't be shocked if she disappears or suddenly pulls back. That you were able to initially blow her off probably shook her; she reached for you, expecting you to be there. And you weren't. That does something to most people's ego, so even if they don't really want you back, suddenly you're this elusive thing that seems far more appealing.

 

You'll know if this is the case based on how she acts going forward. I know you're thinking you're prepared for this to just be some one-off mistake, but be honest with yourself. You're probably hopeful that it isn't. Just stay mindful of the real possibility that her ego was bruised by you not being there when she reached out and she needed to prove to herself that you were still available to her. Now that she's gotten that proof, her behavior will be telling you what you need to know.

[jackofmany]

I guess time will tell, but I wouldn't be shocked if she disappears or suddenly pulls back. That you were able to initially blow her off probably shook her; she reached for you, expecting you to be there. And you weren't. That does something to most people's ego, so even if they don't really want you back, suddenly you're this elusive thing that seems far more appealing.

 

You'll know if this is the case based on how she acts going forward. I know you're thinking you're prepared for this to just be some one-off mistake, but be honest with yourself. You're probably hopeful that it isn't. Just stay mindful of the real possibility that her ego was bruised by you not being there when she reached out and she needed to prove to herself that you were still available to her. Now that she's gotten that proof, her behavior will be telling you what you need to know.

 

Everything you say here is pretty spot on, and it is how things have played out. There has been no acknowledgement on either end that anything at all happened, no contact whatsoever.

 

I'm not totally surprised by this, for the reasons you mentioned. And you are also right about being hopeful it isn't a one off mistake, though I can see easily how it might be.

 

BUT I have done some seriously thinking since she left, about why she left, and I know a HUGE part of it was that she didn't feel like I was invested enough, that I could just take it or leave it. This eventually drove her crazy.

 

There's no going back and re-living the past, obviously. But I could have stood to do a little more, not chasing exactly, but showing her that I would pursue her. I looked over a bunch of our messages from the last few months of our being together and that was a consistent theme, her feeling like I was willing to just let her go.

 

So . . . she went. Duh. No surprise there.

 

I mention all of this because I wonder if, contrary to all the cultivated knowledge of the heartbroken internet, I ought to show her that I am willing to fight for her.

 

I know . . . everyone will say no, that only makes you look weak or whatever. But it is weighing on me a bit. I know why I lost her. Why wouldn't she be looking to see if that had changed.

 

I'm sure on some level she feels something similar to me. There is an excitement in moments like that, and a good deal of nervousness too. Breakups stink, and I'm sure she doesn't want to be setting herself up for another one either.

 

I suppose we should talk. I mentioned I have been dating other women, to the degree that that's kind of gotten out of hand in its own right. I think I have to talk to them too.

 

Where is the "pause" button on life for crying out loud? I need to *think this through*

[Marc878]

If you weren't vested before why do you think that would change long term?

 

Sounds like you didn't want it before it was gone now you do but only because you don't have it. Not a good reason to continue.

 

Sounds like you are stringing yourself along in this more than she is.

[jackofmany]

Sounds like you are stringing yourself along in this more than she is.

 

Ha! You think?

 

No kidding.