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Should I cut ties with a guy I've developed feelings for, who is a good friend?

InChocolateWeTrust

By InChocolateWeTrust
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InChocolateWeTrust New Member

InChocolateWeTrust

Posted
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Hello,

 

I was wondering if anyone could help me on my situation please.

 

A guy and I started talking on OKCupid (dating site) and we immediately clicked. To cut a long story short, we spoke every single day (this was over two months ago) - we would talk routinely, from the time we got up in the morning to the time we went to bed. We became more or less like 'best friends'.

 

We have only met up twice in the time we've known each other - both times have been lovely. However, it's such a bizarre situation because while we approached the situation as close friends, I always had it in the back of my mind that he could be a potential partner. This was confirmed for me when we finally met in real life, as I really liked him.

 

However, the last time we met, we planned to watch films together at his house. I tried to initiate physical contact, but he didn't seem comfortable with it. This upset me a lot, and it was only when I showed I was upset that he actually cuddled me (nothing sexual happened).

 

I then asked him if we were on the same page, and he said he only sees us as friends. I said I saw it potentially as a relationship, and he said he was flattered - and then just carried on acting normal like nothing had happened.

Essentially, we act like a couple but without the physical/sexual aspects. Even though I showed quite clearly I was upset, he still said he wanted to meet up again and do something. Bear in mind this is long distance - we live around two hours from each other.

 

I feel so devastated and terrible right now. Because I like him a lot as a friend and have spoken to him every day, it would hurt immensely to cut ties. He still wants to meet up and carry on as normal - only as friends.

 

I just feel so low at the moment (we aren't currently speaking as I said I needed space) as I don't know whether to risk feelings getting hurt by continuing meet-ups, or risk losing a good friend. It feels like a lose-lose situation. I feel so depressed.

 

Any advice? Thank you :)

Flame Aura Established Member

Flame Aura

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You are wasting your time with him. Cut of all contact now and find someone who wants a relationship.

 

I'm not sure why you want him as a friend so much, don't you have your girl friends to do friends stuff with?

boymommy Established Member

boymommy

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He’s trying to keep you “on the hook” because he likes your company or he thinks maybe if someone better doesnt come along his feelings might change in the future. My rule of thumb for dating has always been if its not there from the beginning dont pursue it. Relationships can be hard enough without both people being equally into each other! Ditch this guy and find someone who cant wait to call you his. Dont settle for second best. Guys dont really want girls as friends, they keep them around as dating options later. Don’t be an option.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Whatever is best for you.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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I would cut ties, OP.

 

You have feelings, and he doesn't. It's going to hurt like a SOB when you learn he's dating someone and doesn't have the same time for you that he once did. That day will come, and you will be left in more pain that you currently are.

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Gretchen12 Established Member

Gretchen12

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You met on a dating site so he should have told you earlier that he doesn't think of you that way. He already knew the first time you met.

 

Do nothing right now. Also don't keep talking to him. You are upset now because you just got the hurtful news, so you want a drastic action right away. No need. I assume you're still on the dating site. Continue meeting other men as if this guy never happened. You can reply once in a while something short. After some time when you are less in shock and less attached to him, you'll know what to do.

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schlumpy Established Member

schlumpy

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No one asked so its up to me.

 

Do you think he might be gay?

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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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Knowing what you feel for him and now knowing the limits he's imposing on your friendship, can you truly be his friend and listen to him talk about the new woman he's throwing his heart to? Because that's what friends do--they talk about their new love interests.

 

Can you do this or will you be feeling a way about it? If you can't, then you're going to have to face the fact that your friendship has reached its limit.

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InChocolateWeTrust New Member

InChocolateWeTrust

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Thank you everyone. I have decided to cut ties.

Saracena Established Member

Saracena

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Guys dont really want girls as friends, they keep them around as dating options later. Don’t be an option.

 

Well, yes. Frankly I'm surprised he didn't bail first time when he realised he wasn't attracted (at least it certainly sounds like this) to you. After all you met on a dating site and guys don't bother at all unless they are! Women, on the other hand, are far more willing to settle for friendship.

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InChocolateWeTrust New Member

InChocolateWeTrust

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Well, yes. Frankly I'm surprised he didn't bail first time when he realised he wasn't attracted (at least it certainly sounds like this) to you. After all you met on a dating site and guys don't bother at all unless they are! Women, on the other hand, are far more willing to settle for friendship.

 

 

That's because we established we were meeting as friends to make it more comfortable and less nerve wracking. I'm guessing that's what he always was going to stick to.

 

We also acted like friends online e.g calling each other dude, bro, etc

boymommy Established Member

boymommy

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That's because we established we were meeting as friends to make it more comfortable and less nerve wracking. I'm guessing that's what he always was going to stick to.

 

We also acted like friends online e.g calling each other dude, bro, etc

 

Well new boundary OP..don’t put yourself in that position again! (Use a dating site for friendship instead of dating! Even if its what the guy wants!)

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The Outlaw Established Member

The Outlaw

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It's possible that he just didn't want to commit to anything right away if at all or he's been hurt before in the past if he pulled back like that. But since you've cut ties, it's just best to find someone who wants a relationship and not just someone to hang out with.

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boymommy Established Member

boymommy

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It's possible that he just didn't want to commit to anything right away if at all or he's been hurt before in the past if he pulled back like that. But since you've cut ties, it's just best to find someone who wants a relationship and not just someone to hang out with.

 

Perhaps but there is a difference between “I am not attracted to you and just want friendship” and “I am attracted to you but have had some tough relationships, so I would like to take things slow, get to know each other and see if there is anything there.”

 

Those two statements are quite different in my opinion.

The Outlaw Established Member

The Outlaw

Posted
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Perhaps but there is a difference between “I am not attracted to you and just want friendship” and “I am attracted to you but have had some tough relationships, so I would like to take things slow, get to know each other and see if there is anything there.”

 

Those two statements are quite different in my opinion.

 

True, but that's just an idea. But he should have been clear from the start about what he wanted.

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InChocolateWeTrust New Member

InChocolateWeTrust

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True, but that's just an idea. But he should have been clear from the start about what he wanted.

 

It's strange because his actions pointed to someone who was attracted I.e. messaging me all day every single day including good morning and good night, paying for dinner, paying me compliments, wanting to spend a lot of time together - and sometimes our conversations were quite flirty.

 

They say actions speak louder than words, but he just said he doesn't see me that way when I asked.

 

It doesn't make a lot of sense, but hey ho...

The Outlaw Established Member

The Outlaw

Posted
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It's strange because his actions pointed to someone who was attracted I.e. messaging me all day every single day including good morning and good night, paying for dinner, paying me compliments, wanting to spend a lot of time together - and sometimes our conversations were quite flirty.

 

They say actions speak louder than words, but he just said he doesn't see me that way when I asked.

 

It doesn't make a lot of sense, but hey ho...

 

Just don't let it hold you back. There could have been any number of reasons why he didn't seem interested, but only he knows why.

boymommy Established Member

boymommy

Posted
Posted
It's strange because his actions pointed to someone who was attracted I.e. messaging me all day every single day including good morning and good night, paying for dinner, paying me compliments, wanting to spend a lot of time together - and sometimes our conversations were quite flirty.

 

They say actions speak louder than words, but he just said he doesn't see me that way when I asked.

 

It doesn't make a lot of sense, but hey ho...

 

Yeah I had a man do something similar early in my dating too. Slightly different though in that he acted like he wanted a relationship (called me, texted constantly, took me out on dates, talked about our kids meeting, complimented me all the time!) This lasted about a month but he never mentioned what he actually wanted so I just asked him and he said he wanted a casual relationship where he could date/sleep with other girls! That was not at all what I wanted so I walked away. I was quite surprised because his actions were the opposite! It was so weird! So from that point on I learned to match actions AND words going forward (like a guy saying he wanted a long term relationship!)

 

When I met my boyfriend his actions and words matched. Look for that!

preraph Established Member

preraph

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Total waste of time. He isn't attracted to you romantically, and he never will be, so just stop seeing him and move on to the next one.

Calmandfocused Established Member

Calmandfocused

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Op, you’re right to cut this man off. I believe he’s been very unfair to you by leading you on.

 

 

However what baffles me completely is all the communication you had, yet the topic of what you wanted from each other was never addressed? In 2 months? How can that be?

 

Op you must be careful not to give out “friend zone” vibes to men you are interested in dating. Being single can come with some feelings of loneliness, hence some daters also want to develop friendships with people they are not interested in dating. I think that’s what happened here.

 

Nevertheless, friendship is not what your after so don’t entertain this Booby prize. Simply learn from the experience and move on.

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