Big Aus Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 I'n really just trying to talk through this. I know it is what it is. Do people (and/or women) think its gentler? It actually made it worse, because I didn't recognise it for what it was immediately, I took it at face value. Why do people talk about how honest they are, and how much they value honesty, but can't be honest about something fundamental? Even when asked. I was chatting to a lady (not mentioned elsewhere) to whom I was very attracted, and we had decided to move ahead to a date. Nothing too intense, just a movie at the local cinema. She cancelled, then talked about being friends. All very amicable and we continued to chat friendlily. I decided to ask her, to honestly tell me "why I wasn't what she was looking for at this time?" She responded with a series of what I now realise were the classic "its not you, its me". I'm so silly
Flame Aura Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 It is very possible she was telling the truth, why are you assuming she's not? If someone is not emotionally ready to get into a relationship for whatever reason then yes they will say it's them not you because...its true. Regardless, to deal with it just move on to the next one.
kendahke Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 Would you rather her say "your breath stinks", "the thought of kissing you turns my stomach" "I saw lice in your hair", "you said _______ and it turned me off"? To give you reasons means she'll have to sit there and listen to you try to change her mind and she doesn't want her mind changed, so she's telling you the kindest way she knows how that this isn't going to work for her. She's telling you the truth: it's not you, it's her who can't get with who/what you are. You chuck the deuces at her and move on to find someone else is what you do. 2
boymommy Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 I dated two guys early on who told me that same thing. Then in turn I told it to someone else! All of these situations were at the point where things were progressing into a possible relationship and a commitment was expected. Then I met my boyfriend and I did commit to him. So I suspect the “its not me its you” is a combination of not being into the person/relationship combined with being weird life circumstances and/or timing. But my slant is if that person is the right fit it just doesnt matter how weird your circumstances are or what is going on, you will find a way. You arent going to let them go. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 To give you reasons means she'll have to sit there and listen to you try to change her mind Exactly. Happens all the time to women. 1
Author Big Aus Posted August 23, 2019 Author Posted August 23, 2019 Would you rather her say "your breath stinks", "the thought of kissing you turns my stomach" "I saw lice in your hair", "you said _______ and it turned me off"?Yeah? SU2
Author Big Aus Posted August 23, 2019 Author Posted August 23, 2019 Exactly. Happens all the time to women.ok, so THAT's how women excuse lying
kendahke Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 Yeah? SU2 No you wouldn't--you'd be denying everything she said, trying to change her mind. But good fake, there.. 2
basil67 Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 I’ve stopped seeing people when even I don’t understand why it wasn’t working for me. How else does one explain when they themselves don’t know the reason? 3
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 ok, so THAT's how women excuse lying I guess, maybe. It's not fun to be on the receiving end of someone trying to convince you that you should like them, though. 5
basil67 Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 CO is right. We learn by experience that it’s better to make an excuse. 1
fromheart Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 (edited) If you've done nothing disrespectful, it's really nothing to worry about. Everyone will get turned down. What I'd say is, when a woman cancels and you are really into her, just tell her to look you up if she feels the same way, and that you're not interested in friendship as that's not what you want. Then just disappear, NC for life. However, bear in mind that even if she does come back and you hook up, she'll probably go distant again. I personally will never approach a woman ever again, if she's cancelled on me, gives me the cheek or anything like that. Life's tough, relationships need strong bonds to survive. If she looks me up again, and with strict NC they usually do, Im 'too busy,' to see her. Or, Im happy to meet with mutual friends, though only as a friend and I'll be checking other women. They can get upset in that situation. Good for them, maybe next time they meet a man of value, they won't be so wishy washy. But the bottom line is that a woman who has refused me, doesn't really turn me on. It's a waste of my precious time and money to invest in her, in anyway. So you've got to decide what you want, because a relationship should be head over heels from the start. Don't bother ask her what you did wrong, that just confirms her low attraction. All you need to check in with yourself on, is if you've been a gentleman. Then you go work on creating the best version of yourself. That's how you handle refusal. Edited August 23, 2019 by fromheart
fromheart Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 No you wouldn't--you'd be denying everything she said, trying to change her mind. But good fake, there.. Yes, the needy boys will do this. Then men will not. Don't assume the OP is a needy boy, he's coming on here asking the right questions.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 I decided to ask her, to honestly tell me "why I wasn't what she was looking for at this time?" She responded with a series of what I now realise were the classic "its not you, its me". What did she actually say? 2
smackie9 Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 Why focus on knowing the reason, and get all owly about it. Just accept that they are not interested...block/delete/move on. 4
BrennaR Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 I'n really just trying to talk through this. I know it is what it is. Do people (and/or women) think its gentler? It actually made it worse, because I didn't recognise it for what it was immediately, I took it at face value. Why do people talk about how honest they are, and how much they value honesty, but can't be honest about something fundamental? Even when asked. I was chatting to a lady (not mentioned elsewhere) to whom I was very attracted, and we had decided to move ahead to a date. Nothing too intense, just a movie at the local cinema. She cancelled, then talked about being friends. All very amicable and we continued to chat friendlily. I decided to ask her, to honestly tell me "why I wasn't what she was looking for at this time?" She responded with a series of what I now realise were the classic "its not you, its me". I'm so silly Would you rather they commit to you even though they are not feeling it for you? And be miserable for the rest of their lives? 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 Would you rather they commit to you even though they are not feeling it for you? And be miserable for the rest of their lives? Well, at least then he'd get what he wants. 1
fromheart Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 Well, at least then he'd get what he wants. Sounds like you want the OP to be miserable for some reason. You could be a bit more supportive you know. 3
alphamale Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 I decided to ask her, to honestly tell me "why I wasn't what she was looking for at this time?" don't ever ask women this question, it's very unbecoming and only a doofus would ask it 5
Lotsgoingon Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 You wanna know why this woman really didn't want to go forward? ... Identify one woman you would never approach ... then identify what about her you don't like (which is hard ... because this is often a gut reaction that isn't even words in our head) ... Do that ... and you'll have the answer similar to what this woman was thinking about you. Sometimes if you go out on multiple dates, it's easier to find words for lack of interest. I once met a woman and after talking to her about an hour, her thinking just made no sense to me. None. I could also tell she had anxiety around some of her odd thinking. And I didn't find her warm at all ... Now ... if you want to improve your game ... ... don't ask the woman why she wasn't interested ... Ask her what you could do better in dating in the future. Ask for any tips. This would be less brutal than an honest answer to lack of interest. 1
Tamfana Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 I'n really just trying to talk through this. I know it is what it is. Do people (and/or women) think its gentler? Sometimes it's just true. Sometimes people discover it's not a match or they're not ready or able to date. 1
fromheart Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 (edited) Now ... if you want to improve your game ... ... don't ask the woman why she wasn't interested ... Ask her what you could do better in dating in the future. Ask for any tips. This would be less brutal than an honest answer to lack of interest. Have to respectfully disagree with this advice, a man should figure out stuff with self enquiry, chat with fellow men who are dedicated to self improvement, read/view material by those who know. Edited August 23, 2019 by fromheart 1
Redhead14 Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 The bottom line on this response is just that . . . there is nothing wrong with you. You may be perfect for someone else. It's not something one controls. Either "it" works for you or it doesn't. Frankly, I think that response is more honest in some ways -- there isn't anything wrong with you, you're just night right for that other person. 4
kendahke Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 You wanna know why this woman really didn't want to go forward? ... Identify one woman you would never approach ... then identify what about her you don't like (which is hard ... because this is often a gut reaction that isn't even words in our head) ... Do that ... and you'll have the answer similar to what this woman was thinking about you. Exactly. No one owes anyone a relationship they don't want to be in. 2
boymommy Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 don't ever ask women this question, it's very unbecoming and only a doofus would ask it In my experience its the more feminine less good looking guys who dont do as well with the ladies who have to ask why the girl isnt feeling it (no offense to OP, this has been my experience with men!) I have been asked this question to and its like it turned me off even more. I have trouble being withba guy who doesnt have confidence in his ability to attract women. 1
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