I KNEW better...

[Torn Up]

Hi all,

 

Can't tell you how relieved I am to see a site like this, one that offers some support, and even sympathy, to those of us whom society deems "home wreckers," "hussies," and worse..."whores." Of course, it's easy to hang the above labels on people who get involved with married men and women, but it's just not always the case, is it?

 

I've been involved with a married man who I work with for the past few months. We were friends to begin with, (sound familiar, anyone?), which slowly developed into an intimate relationship within a year. Our affair would have started a lot sooner but I side-stepped his obvious interest for quite some time because I knew he was married...unhappily so, but nevertheless he WAS married.

 

Now, I've always believed that it was WRONG to get involved with a married man...stood by this conviction my whole life. I've had other opportunities (several, actually), to get involved with married men but always walked away from it. And then he came into my life.

 

Started out innocent enough (don't they always?). We met at work, and from there we talked on a daily basis. Got to know each other very well...became close, perhaps a little TOO close. We found that we had many things in common and truly enjoyed each other's company. We'd talk, laugh, share secrets...you name it.

 

Because we live in the mountains, we both love to hike. He constantly asked me if I'd like to go hiking with him, which I declined everytime he asked. Finally, one day...I accepted. I asked him if he planned to tell his wife about our hiking trip. He said no, he didn't want to start a fight with here, said he gets tired of hearing her yell at him all the time.

 

Okay, so off we go hiking. The first day we hiked, he was a perfect gentleman. Kept his hands to himself...and we had a blast. BUT...on our second day out hiking, things got hot. And the next thing I know, we were embracing, and well...things just got hotter from there.

 

As time went on, he told me he was extremely unhappy in his marriage, that he and his wife had absolutely nothing in common. Said she enjoyed staying home watching the TV, while he enjoyed doing outside activities...hiking, mountain climbing, etc. Also said she always sleeps on the couch, has for years and sex between them had ceased as a result.

 

Things between us got intense and he said he wanted to move out of the house. Told me he loved me on a daily basis. I'd wake up to long emails from him every morning. He constantly bought me little gifts and spent as much time with me as he could. He said he wanted to divorce her and marry me.

 

Never did I demand he leave her, nor did I demand he marry me. In fact, I encouraged him to work on his marriage so he wouldn't have regrets later. He said he had no desire to work on his marriage, that he fell out of love with her years ago, but was waiting for his 17-year-old daughter to turn 18, which will happen this coming April.

 

Okay, last week he moved out of the house and in to a motor home park. During that week, I saw very little of him and when I did, he seemed somewhat distant, not as affectionate as he usually is. Nor did he share with me all that was taking place between he and his wife, only that he was relieved to be out of the house. He also asked me to come to his motor home and see him.

 

Last Saturday I went to his place after hiking that afternoon as he asked me to come by. I wasn't there but 15 minutes and in walks his wife. She knew all about me, my name, where I work, who my son is..the whole nine yards. Our initial greeting was quite hostile, as you can imagine, but calmed down soon after. And what I learned from her sickened me...I'm still sick to my stomach as I write this.

 

He had told me that they were getting a divorce after their daughter turned 18 and off to college, that it was a mutual agreement between them. He said she wanted to move on with life as well. He also told me they were not having sex, and he just wanted to break it off with her. He also stated she was having an affair and had been for quite some time.

 

But I learned through her that no such agreement for a divorce was ever made...in fact, she kept begging him to stay while I stood there watching this. He, in return, acting very cold toward her, told her he didn't love her anymore and that he was in love with me. Even went as far as telling her that he could see himself proposing to me in the near future.

 

It was then that she turned to me and said, "did you know we are having sex? We've had sex twice this week and it was GOOD." She also told me that he's been "huggy and kissy" all week, and that they even went out on a hike....something he told me she hates to do. She said that she begged him not to leave, but he told her it was only for a week, and during that time, she and he could go out on "dates." She went on to tell me that he's had other affairs during their 18 years of marriage, that I am not the first. She told me that when she and he dated, she learned that he was living with another woman at the time which he walked out on to marry her. We all 3 set there all night, talking, and at times, crying. I wanted so much to hate this woman...it would have made it easier. Instead, I like her, felt sorry for her as she begged him to stay with her. If anything, she came off as desperate, clingy...needy. And I could see why he had no respect for her. How many woman would BEG a man to stay after he just told her he no longer loved her and he was in love with another woman who was standing RIGHT there! Me? I would have been out the door and he wouldn't have seen me again!

 

But this incident has left me feeling heartbroken and angry. I feel lied to...as he did to his wife. He said they weren't having sex, only to learn from her they were, and in her words..."it was GOOD." He told me they agreed upon a divorce (which is why I got involved in the first place) only to learn from her no such agreement took place. He told me he wanted to get out of the marriage, only to learn from her that he told her she could come by his place anytime she wishes (as he did me), and that they could go out on dates. WTF???? Needless to say, I've broken it off with him. But now I'm getting emails telling me how deeply in love with me he is, how he and I need to meet up so he could "say his piece, but doubts it will change my mind."

 

My response to his emails were..."Bull****! Find another victim to "love." And no, I didn't think meeting up with him was a good idea.

 

People, I am absolutely heartbroken by this. I can't believe I fell for this! I don't want to meet with him because, quite frankly, I can't believe a word he says anymore. If he told me it was raining, I'd have to go outside to check! There's no way I could live with a man like that. I honestly don't understand why his wife stays with him.

 

But you know, things could be worse. I mean...I COULD be married to him instead of her!

 

Anyway, if you've read this far I thank you for bearing with me. This is SO hard...I hurt so damn bad right now.

 

It's gonna take me a while to heal from this one.

 

~Torn Up~

[Barby]

I know that learning all of this hurts you...but at least you spared yourself being in the wife's position in the future.

 

He was about a piece of work wasn't he?!?!

 

I can relate to you in regards to being totally against dating a MM,

knowing it's way wrong....never considering it....then boom...you fall in love! (In my case...well despite our mutual feelings, we will not go "there")

 

I think it's wise that you decline his invitations to meet up...he has such disregard for a woman he's been with for all these years....imagine what he'd be capable of being with you if he fell "more in love" with someone new while being with you?!?!

[JayKay]

...that's just awful.

 

Unfortunately, not that unusual. I've known women in similar situations where the MM lied....lied...and lied some more to keep both relationships going as long as possible.

 

I'm sorry to hear you got stuck in the middle of it. Yes, listening to your gut is important and you said it better than anyone, "I knew better"

 

I'm sure you wanted to believe otherwise. He probably told you all those lovely things we all long to hear.....how special and wonderful you are, how perfect you are together, etc. I'm sorry you got hurt. Being deceived not only hurts, it robs you of self-confidence, shakes your believe in human nature and changes your outlook on relationships altogether.

 

Take time to heal and DON'T let this guy back into your life. Don't even answer his emails.

[brubaker2004]

Wow, that is quite a post. I am so sorry you have had to go through this experience, but it seems we all are falling for what these men are saying, only to find out (in your case in such an abrupt, unsettling way) it is completely untrue. while reading your post i found so many things that my MM has told me, and i have a sick feeling that i will soon be having the same experience. i want to think that i am the "exception" to this MM rule, but there have been things along the way that make me believe i am not.

 

hang in there, you are hurting now but i admire your stand to not talk to him and let him weasel his way into your life again. you mentioned your son. i also, have a child, a boy who is only 3 and my MM is already a big part of his life. he adores him. i would never have let him into my son's life if he wasn't telling me all of the same things your MM told you and now i am horrified that i have made a huge mistake that will hurt my son if/when this man is suddenly no longer a part of his world.

[Torn Up]

I know that learning all of this hurts you...but at least you spared yourself being in the wife's position in the future.

 

Exactly! In fact, this is about the only positive thing that came out of this horrible mess....to stay AWAY from married men because if I'm not careful, I just may end up being the wife he cheats on! And I've no doubt he would. I'm convinced this guy is a serial cheater.

 

He was about a piece of work wasn't he?!?!

 

Oh yeah...how his wife stays with him I'll never know. She has been made fully aware that he had an affair with me and STILL she begs him to stay. Honestly, I just don't understand it.

 

I can relate to you in regards to being totally against dating a MM,

knowing it's way wrong....never considering it....then boom...you fall in love!

 

Yep....and what a fool I was for believing him! You know, Barbie, I think I'm more angry at myself than I am with him because I chose to believe him, I allowed him to spoon-feed me sugar coated lies. I can't even begin to tell you how ashamed I feel, how dirty I feel for taking part in hurting his wife. I never meant to do that. I THOUGHT it was over between him and her. That's what he told me.

 

I think it's wise that you decline his invitations to meet up...he has such disregard for a woman he's been with for all these years....imagine what he'd be capable of being with you if he fell "more in love" with someone new while being with you?!?!:confused

 

And that's what I have stayed focused on. The fact that he could treat his wife, a woman he's been married to for 18 years and is the mother of his daughter, so poorly makes me shiver. And I'm not so blind as to fool myself into thinking that it would be different with me if we were to marry. This guy is a player...I now realize.

 

Isn't hindsight great? Sure could've used that 20-20 vision BEFORE I got involved with this jerk!

 

Got another email today encouraging me to "meet with him." His exact words were..."I have a lot to say." Yeah, I bet he does.

 

Thank you, Barbie, for your kind words and support. Much appreciated!

 

~Torn~

[Torn Up]

...that's just awful.

 

Unfortunately, not that unusual. I've known women in similar situations where the MM lied....lied...and lied some more to keep both relationships going as long as possible.

 

And that's really what these relationships are, aren't they? Lies, lies...and lies layered on top of those. That's the foundation...just an illusion, nothing more. But the damage comes when we believe these illusions to be the truth, our reality. Because nothing hurts more, shatters the soul more than to BELIEVE that we are loved by one that we have come to love. And they know it, it's what they use on us....OUR love for THEM. I honestly can't think of a more selfish act, can you?

 

I'm sorry to hear you got stuck in the middle of it. Yes, listening to your gut is important and you said it better than anyone, "I knew better"

 

Exactly. Which is why I am accepting some responsiblity for this. I KNEW it was wrong to get involved with a married man, but I did it anyway. Okay, yes, he said it was over between he and his wife, but he WAS still married. I chose to believe him to justify my relationship with him, I realize that now. I can assure that it will NEVER happen again. He's continuing to send me emails. Got one today asking to "meet with him." Said he's "got a lot to say." What, more lies? No thanx!

 

I'm sure you wanted to believe otherwise. He probably told you all those lovely things we all long to hear.....how special and wonderful you are, how perfect you are together, etc.

 

Bingo! Told me all those things and more. Said he didn't think a woman "like me" existed in this world. Said he gave up looking for a woman like me a long time ago. Said he wanted to marry me as soon as the divorce is final because "this time he wants to do it right." Said he felt that having me in his life will "complete his." Good, isn't he???

 

I'm sorry you got hurt. Being deceived not only hurts, it robs you of self-confidence, shakes your believe in human nature and changes your outlook on relationships altogether.

 

You're absolutely right about this, and I worry about it. I can't believe how much pain I'm in...I mean that it is running very deep. I can feel the damage it has caused me and I fear it will be irreversable. I pray that it won't be something permanent because right now, it feels that way. Like I'll never trust again.

 

Take time to heal and DON'T let this guy back into your life. Don't even answer his emails.

 

I won't allow him back in but I have answered some of his emails....especially the one where he said he is coming over to my house. I told him no...that both my son and I are furious right now and didn't think it would be a good idea. But I kept my emails short and cold. And I didn't sign it with "love" before my name. But he's not backing off.

 

JayKay, I would like to thank you for your kind words and support. I am so glad I found this site because I very much need the support here. I hurt SO bad right now.

 

~Torn~

[Torn Up]

Wow, that is quite a post. I am so sorry you have had to go through this experience, but it seems we all are falling for what these men are saying, only to find out (in your case in such an abrupt, unsettling way) it is completely untrue. while reading your post i found so many things that my MM has told me, and i have a sick feeling that i will soon be having the same experience. i want to think that i am the "exception" to this MM rule, but there have been things along the way that make me believe i am not.

 

I hope not, BruBaker. It is my hope that your situation will turn out different than mine. I wouldn't wish what happened to me on anybody! It is truly horrible. My pain right now is deep. I can't sleep, I can't eat...it just eats away at me. I go to sleep with it on my mind while I cry, hoping sleep will relieve me. But no such luck. I sit down to eat, take a couple bites and instantly my stomach starts to ache. I wish I could just fast-forward through this pain, but it's not going to happen. I know it, but I hope for relief soon. You mentioned that there have been some things along the way that makes you believe you're not the exception. What are they, if you don't mind my asking?

 

hang in there, you are hurting now but i admire your stand to not talk to him and let him weasel his way into your life again. you mentioned your son. i also, have a child, a boy who is only 3 and my MM is already a big part of his life. he adores him. i would never have let him into my son's life if he wasn't telling me all of the same things your MM told you and now i am horrified that i have made a huge mistake that will hurt my son if/when this man is suddenly no longer a part of his world.

 

No, I won't let him back in although he is being persistant. As I mentioned in the other replies to my post, he is sending me emails asking me to meet with him because he's got "a lot to say." I really don't want to hear it. The lies he's already told me has done enough damage...I don't need anymore to further hurt me. It amazes me that he thinks I would believe a word that comes out of his mouth after all that has happened...after he was caught red-handed in his lies. Boy, he must really think I'm stupid. Well, he may have a point. I mean, I did allow him to lie to me without ever questioning it. But I think he's having a hard time with the fact that I've "wised up" to his game. I have a son who just turned 18. My son has watched me cry, has watched me sink into a deep depression over this and now hates this man for hurting me so badly. I don't think it would be wise for him to come to my house right now because my son has threatened to knock him "ass over apple cart down the porch stairs." My son is furious with him right now.

 

I do hope that your MM has more heart and conscious than mine did. I know that sometimes these relationships DO work, and I pray that will be the case with yours.

 

Unfortunately, my case seems to be the norm.

 

Thank you so much, BruBaker, for your kind words and support. I am in great need of it right now.

 

~Torn~

[newbby]

you have shown real strength to him. keep it up.

[BklynGuy]

I understand your pain. It's best that you learned what you were dealing with. He's been married for so long, it's naive to think he and the wife werent having sex. Sometimes we believe what we want to. He has feelings for BOTH of you...and he's had his cake and eat it too. Not just with you, but as she said he's done it to others.

 

He sounds like bad news and although it's painful, dont let him back in. Ive realized there is always a person that we will break our own rules we follow for. Its a shame you had to experience this but you will heal. Just take your time and move onto the next one when you're ready. Never get involved in this kind of situation again. My prayers are with you.

[nextel]

I can only imagine what you are going through, and I hope you have learned your lesson.

 

No man is worth your tears, and the one that is will never make you cry!

 

 

Married men are a waste of time. If you meet a man that is married, leave him alone. If you want him so bad, let him provide you with the divorce papers first.

 

My only advice to you and other women is this: take a man as he is, or leave him forever. If he does not own a car and walks, leave him as he is. If he has no job, leave him as he is....and if he is married, leave him as he is.

[legrtova]

You just more or less described my situation....

I feel for you. We need to believe that not all men are like that.

Keep up the strenght!

Good Luck!

[Torn Up]

I understand your pain. It's best that you learned what you were dealing with. He's been married for so long, it's naive to think he and the wife werent having sex. Sometimes we believe what we want to. He has feelings for BOTH of you...and he's had his cake and eat it too. Not just with you, but as she said he's done it to others.

 

He sounds like bad news and although it's painful, dont let him back in. Ive realized there is always a person that we will break our own rules we follow for. Its a shame you had to experience this but you will heal. Just take your time and move onto the next one when you're ready. Never get involved in this kind of situation again. My prayers are with you.

 

Thank you, Bklyn, for your advice here, much appreciated.

 

I know they hadn't had sex in quite awhile (before the week he supposedly "left her") was because it was brought up in the course of our long conversation that night. Neither denied that fact so I am assuming it's true. What perplexes me is why they chose to have sex during the week that he moved out after all this time? I mean, why would a man who professes to want out of a marriage, claims he no longer loves his wife, do a complete turnabout and is now showing her affection?

 

However, when that was brought up during our MM/W/me conversation on that night, he said to her, "What I did was wrong. My heart really wasn't in it, it's just that you were hurting and I have a hard time being a cold prick." When she asked him if he only did it out of pity, he stared down at the ground for quite some time and then said, "Yeah, I guess it was." She, of course, wouldn't accept this...kept saying she didn't believe him because it seemed to her he was enjoying it. He then told her, "I made a mistake. I should have been upfront with you. I should have just walked away because while I was trying to keep from hurting anyone, I ended up hurting everyone."

 

I have to say on that score he's right....he hurt her, me, his daughter (who won't even speak to him now and says she hates him), and my son. There are no winners here...we all lost.

 

He has sent me several emails since our split. Because we work together (I work in Medical Records, he is a Paramedic), he sneaks into our office during the weekends and continues to leave small gifts on my desk for me to find Monday mornings.

 

And it's gotten even more serious, which I will explain in a different post. I'm in a VERY difficult situation here and I'm not sure what to do, where to turn. There's a part of me that just wants to escape, run away from it.

 

I wish to God I had stuck to my lifetime conviction, which, of course, is to NEVER get involved with a married man.

 

I'm so sad...

 

~Torn~

[Torn Up]

I can only imagine what you are going through, and I hope you have learned your lesson.

 

No man is worth your tears, and the one that is will never make you cry!

 

 

Married men are a waste of time. If you meet a man that is married, leave him alone. If you want him so bad, let him provide you with the divorce papers first.

 

My only advice to you and other women is this: take a man as he is, or leave him forever. If he does not own a car and walks, leave him as he is. If he has no job, leave him as he is....and if he is married, leave him as he is.

 

Evening, Nextel. Thank you for your reply...much appreicated!

 

You're absolutely right. The one's worth crying over are the one's who won't make you cry. Well, this one has caused me bucket fulls of tears.

 

Yes, I have definitely learned my lesson here. But the sad part is...I already KNEW the lesson before I did it. This has GOT to be one of the most boneheaded things I've done, hands down! I can't believe that I convinced myself that *THIS* case was any different from the typical MM/OW situation.

 

I truly believed the marriage was over, that it was a mutual agreement between the two. And the fact that his daughter will be turning 18 in April and then off to college in another state shortly thereafter made things much easier...I didn't feel I was breaking up a family unit with small children dependant upon their father. I just wasn't ready for the truth when I was blindsided by it.

 

And now that I know the truth, in all its ugly glory, I can't ignore it. And it's left me with a broken heart, endless guilt, and full of self-shame. Yes, I was lied to, but I'm not completely innocent in this...I KNEW better than to get involved with a married man, regardless of the health of the marriage.

 

You're absolutely right...married men are a waste of time.

 

~Torn~

[Torn Up]

You just more or less described my situation....

I feel for you. We need to believe that not all men are like that.

Keep up the strenght!

Good Luck!

 

Oh, Leg...I certainly hope your situation isn't like mine. I wouldn't wish this on anybody!

 

You're right, of course...not all men are like this, there ARE decent men in this world.

 

My head tells me this, but right now my heart ain't believing it.

 

~Torn~

[wildflower02]

I know that you can be strong and stay away from this guy. All too often, us women can get pulled back in by men pulling on our heart strings and exploiting our vunerabilities. That's probably how the MM get us in bed in the first place. So I am happy that you have avoided him and responding to his emails. Do not go see him, do not give him the oppurtunity to get you sucked back in. Keep reminding yourself you deserve better. Hope this helps.