Not finding success with Dating

[lokardy]

Hi Guys/Girls,

I came out of long term relationship and I have been single for more than 2 years and i started indulging myself into dating like 3 months back but the results so far has been really demotivating/depressing.

 

So here how it is so far:

 

1. First Girl: We spoke for 2 days continuously then decided to meet. We spent 4-5 hours and things went really well. She messaged me on the same evening that she really enjoyed it and she is interested to go out again.. I sent a message after 3 days asking her if we can meet up again. No response. After 3 days she responds back saying she can't proceed any further because one of her ex-bf is back.

 

2. We spoke for 2 weeks before we met. During first date she asked hell of questions one after the other for 3 hours . After we got back home she told she really liked it then 2 days later i kind of felt she was too slow to respond to my messages. I asked her if she is really not interested she can let me know. She said nothing changed everything is fine. 2 days later i asked her out again then no response.

 

3. We spoke for 2 weeks before i planned to meet her in her city which is 90 miles from my place. We spoke almost 4 hours then eventually at the end she told me she can't find romantic partner through online so she said we can be nice friends.

 

4. We spoke for a week through texts and then she asked me out and we spoke almost like 4 hours during first date. Everything went well. I told her first that i really enjoyed conversation and she reciprocated. Next day i asked her if i can call her she told me that i can call anytime but she doesn't have much time to talk reason being she has some language exam coming up so she wanted to focus on it for 2 weeks and after that we will talk. I told her i am totally ok to talk to her once her exams are over. We spoke occasionally and she was super cool with lot of emojis and expressions. Once her exam got over i asked her out again so here is the reply "I am very sorry you seem like a super nice guy and great person.But i start realising that I don't really have capacity at the moment to meet and get to know new people. i'm sorry but i wish you all the best"

5. We spoke for few weeks online before we decided to meet. This ended up rather awkwardly. She arrived but never wanted to talk. I tried striking conversation but she never seemed interested so i ended date after 30 mins.

 

As you can see none of dates proceeded to second date so i am kind of wondering if i am doing anything wrong. I am looking for long term relationship so whenever i meet someone i always make sure i treat them with respect so i am very sure behavioral aspect is not the cause

[boymommy]

You are waiting too long to meet these girls (with exception of first girl, but I think you lost her because then you waited 3 days to call).

 

Bottom line, if you are online dating you wont know if there is anything there until you meet! Stop wasting time chatting and ask them out. Stay local as well (within a half hour). Don’t ever ask permission to do anything! Don’t ask permission to call, text, email, kiss, nothing! You are way too polite! Girls like manners but stop worrying about whether you will offend someone. If you like her, go for it! Call her right away if you like her. Ask her out again if you like her. I met guys like you when I started dating and I was turned off by the politeness. Its like why are you asking my permission to kiss me? Just kiss me! Ugh! Grow a pair!

 

My other thought aside from you trying to be too polite/nice is that online dating is crappy in that there are lots of options so people frequently fall off the map a lot. I went on lots of first dates that I thought went well and then the guy disappeared into thin air. He probably met another girl he liked better. It happens. So thats one of the drawbacks of online dating.

Edited August 21, 2019 by boymommy

[Flame Aura]

If you want a long term relationship then stick to real life not online dating. So much better.

[smackie9]

Stop talking to them for 2 weeks. You exchange a couple of messages, then ask to meet for coffee...that's it. Talk on your dates. If they say no, or whatever excuse they use, move on.

[Gretchen12]

You are waiting too long to meet these girls (with exception of first girl, but I think you lost her because then you waited 3 days to call).

 

This^. I was going to say the same thing.

[Gaeta]

That's it? 4 meetings and you call it 'no success'. I think you have unrealistic expectation of online dating. It took me 3 years and 200 meeting to finally find a good match, my daughter was online around 3 years herself before meeting her long term boyfriend and she met approximately the same amount of men as I did. It's a number game, you can meet right away or you can meet after a couple of years searching.

[lokardy]

Hi Guys/Girls,

I came out of long term relationship and I have been single for more than 2 years and i started indulging myself into dating like 3 months back but the results so far has been really demotivating/depressing.

 

So here how it is so far:

 

1. First Girl: We spoke for 2 days continuously then decided to meet. We spent 4-5 hours and things went really well. She messaged me on the same evening that she really enjoyed it and she is interested to go out again.. I sent a message after 3 days asking her if we can meet up again. No response. After 3 days she responds back saying she can't proceed any further because one of her ex-bf is back.

 

2. We spoke for 2 weeks before we met. During first date she asked hell of questions one after the other for 3 hours . After we got back home she told she really liked it then 2 days later i kind of felt she was too slow to respond to my messages. I asked her if she is really not interested she can let me know. She said nothing changed everything is fine. 2 days later i asked her out again then no response.

 

3. We spoke for 2 weeks before i planned to meet her in her city which is 90 miles from my place. We spoke almost 4 hours then eventually at the end she told me she can't find romantic partner through online so she said we can be nice friends.

 

4. We spoke for a week through texts and then she asked me out and we spoke almost like 4 hours during first date. Everything went well. I told her first that i really enjoyed conversation and she reciprocated. Next day i asked her if i can call her she told me that i can call anytime but she doesn't have much time to talk reason being she has some language exam coming up so she wanted to focus on it for 2 weeks and after that we will talk. I told her i am totally ok to talk to her once her exams are over. We spoke occasionally and she was super cool with lot of emojis and expressions. Once her exam got over i asked her out again so here is the reply "I am very sorry you seem like a super nice guy and great person.But i start realising that I don't really have capacity at the moment to meet and get to know new people. i'm sorry but i wish you all the best"

5. We spoke for few weeks online before we decided to meet. This ended up rather awkwardly. She arrived but never wanted to talk. I tried striking conversation but she never seemed interested so i ended date after 30 mins.

 

As you can see none of dates proceeded to second date so i am kind of wondering if i am doing anything wrong. I am looking for long term relationship so whenever i meet someone i always make sure i treat them with respect so i am very sure behavioral aspect is not the cause

 

That's it? 4 meetings and you call it 'no success'. I think you have unrealistic expectation of online dating. It took me 3 years and 200 meeting to finally find a good match, my daughter was online around 3 years herself before meeting her long term boyfriend and she met approximately the same amount of men as I did. It's a number game, you can meet right away or you can meet after a couple of years searching.

 

Ok, I am from different race living in some other country so it is really hard to get matches. I do get moderate amount of matches lot of them drop out after initial few messages the one proceeded for first date are 5.

Fortunately all my previous girlfriends we met in real life. Now that i am 32 i am trying out online because i think my time is ticking and being racially different isn't helping me either.

[boymommy]

Ok, I am from different race living in some other country so it is really hard to get matches. I do get moderate amount of matches lot of them drop out after initial few messages the one proceeded for first date are 5.

Fortunately all my previous girlfriends we met in real life. Now that i am 32 i am trying out online because i think my time is ticking and being racially different isn't helping me either.

 

Online dating is really tough! There is quite literally ALWAYS someone better looking, quicker, more educated, more SOMETHING then you are out there who will come along and beat you to the punch. How do you meet anyone decent then you ask? Well if you’re a guy, you meet quick once you think there is an attraction of some sort and manage your expectations. You may have to meet 50 girls to find the right person to have a relationship with. It took me 30+ guys and 7 months to find the right match for me. I felt frustrated, annoyed, pissed off, rejected, ect. But I kept trying. I didnt give up. And when I did meet my boyfriend it made all my efforts worth it.

[crispytoast]

Stop looking for a lasting relationship through online dating. If it happens, it happens, but looking for it is counterproductive.

[lokardy]

Online dating is really tough! There is quite literally ALWAYS someone better looking, quicker, more educated, more SOMETHING then you are out there who will come along and beat you to the punch. How do you meet anyone decent then you ask? Well if you’re a guy, you meet quick once you think there is an attraction of some sort and manage your expectations. You may have to meet 50 girls to find the right person to have a relationship with. It took me 30+ guys and 7 months to find the right match for me. I felt frustrated, annoyed, pissed off, rejected, ect. But I kept trying. I didnt give up. And when I did meet my boyfriend it made all my efforts worth it.

 

Thanks boymommy for the insights. May be i should stop taking things very seriously. Your experience making me set right expectations honestly.

[lokardy]

Stop looking for a lasting relationship through online dating. If it happens, it happens, but looking for it is counterproductive.

What are the other ways? I can't date colleagues because you never know when you will be called in for sexual harassment. I don't have many friends who could introduce you to their friends. Bars and clubs just the real life alternatives of online? and then left with hitting girls in trains and super markets etc which is not common in the country where i am now.

 

any suggestions apart from this?

[SumGuy]

You are waiting too long to meet these girls (with exception of first girl, but I think you lost her because then you waited 3 days to call).

....

 

 

Agreed. I'm of the camp of nothing beats speaking in person, I also try to ask to meet after 3 message exchanges at most.

I'm also not really a talk over the phone person, I really need to know a person before I find that comfortable.

 

 

Also 5 women in three months, none worked out, those are kind of the odds I'd expect. I find not more than 1 in 3 meetings (I'm hesitant to call them dates the first time) go really well then of those 1 in 3 that went well only about 1 in 3 progress to date 3.

 

 

So I'd guess only 1 in 10 people you meet with you really hit it off with. I don't find that too bad, especially as try to do 3 meetings a week when start off.

 

 

I'll also say I love to gab (can you tell) and have many dates that go 4 hours (the silent ones always perplex me, but I make it a challenge to get a smile or a laugh), but a great conversation doesn't necessarily mean chemistry.

[lokardy]

Agreed. I'm of the camp of nothing beats speaking in person, I also try to ask to meet after 3 message exchanges at most.

I'm also not really a talk over the phone person, I really need to know a person before I find that comfortable.

 

 

Also 5 women in three months, none worked out, those are kind of the odds I'd expect. I find not more than 1 in 3 meetings (I'm hesitant to call them dates the first time) go really well then of those 1 in 3 that went well only about 1 in 3 progress to date 3.

 

 

So I'd guess only 1 in 10 people you meet with you really hit it off with. I don't find that too bad, especially as try to do 3 meetings a week when start off.

 

 

I'll also say I love to gab (can you tell) and have many dates that go 4 hours (the silent ones always perplex me, but I make it a challenge to get a smile or a laugh), but a great conversation doesn't necessarily mean chemistry.

 

Thanks for the insights, Now i have better understanding. May be my frustration stems from the fact that 4 of them said they had great time , kept in contact and dropped off when i asked for second date. May be they were evaluating other guys and at the same time didn't wanted me to let go just in case others didn't work. Not sure just finding some reasons. any case thanks for the inputs now i know i am getting bothered for nothing.

[boymommy]

I'll also say I love to gab (can you tell) and have many dates that go 4 hours (the silent ones always perplex me, but I make it a challenge to get a smile or a laugh), but a great conversation doesn't necessarily mean chemistry.

 

Yeah this is very true! I love to talk too and when I met my boyfriend he was one of those silent types (total introvert) and it has taken two years for us to be comfortable having great convos. But the chemistry was off the charts right away. For me, conversation/feeling comfortable talking can be worked on, chemistry is something you either have or you dont. Some would argue the opposite is true but I have never found that to be the case for me.

 

So dont discredit someone just because they dont talk or take that as lack of interest. Its probably because they are an introvert.

[crispytoast]

What are the other ways? I can't date colleagues because you never know when you will be called in for sexual harassment. I don't have many friends who could introduce you to their friends. Bars and clubs just the real life alternatives of online? and then left with hitting girls in trains and super markets etc which is not common in the country where i am now.

 

any suggestions apart from this?

If there's art or music that you like, travel to go see it. Or if you have other interests. Even if it's something that's not inherently social, comics, anime, video games, go to conventions. If you don't have interests that get you out of the house, maybe it's time to develop them. You will meet people through shared interests. Not necessarily in a romantic way, but maybe in a romantic way. And either way, it never hurts to have more friends!

 

I've myself been single for around the same amount of time, so high five! I've had more success than you but nothing developed that was particularly interesting. Through that, I've discovered that I find myself happier when I focus on things other than love or dating. I've been developing my career, furthering my education, learning new skills, and making new friends. I know this might seem counterintuitive on a forum about relationships, but I find it looking for love is counterproductive to finding love. It often pops up at times when you'd least expect it. And I find satisfaction knowing I'm continually improving my life, and that when I find someone I feel like is worth investing my emotions in, I will have a lot of substance to bring to the table.

[chillii]

Thanks for the insights, Now i have better understanding. May be my frustration stems from the fact that 4 of them said they had great time , kept in contact and dropped off when i asked for second date. May be they were evaluating other guys and at the same time didn't wanted me to let go just in case others didn't work. Not sure just finding some reasons. any case thanks for the inputs now i know i am getting bothered for nothing.

 

 

 

 

Ahhh, don't sweat that competition feeling , chances are they just weren't feeling it pure and simple. Even if they did choose this or that, doesn't mean it even works out or leads to anything anyway. Actually keeping that in RL still all comes down to the same thing it always has for women or men.

People make out like the women can all pick and choose but just read around. At the end of the day they have just as harder time on there as you do , many been on them for years and still gotten nowhere.

So don't let the fluff bother you too much , chances are reality's usually another story altogether .

[newyorker11356]

If you want a long term relationship then stick to real life not online dating. So much better.

 

How is it "so much better"?

 

Real-life isn't THAT much different than online dating. It's a numbers game like anything.

[LauraXX]

How is it "so much better"?

 

Real-life isn't THAT much different than online dating. It's a numbers game like anything.

 

 

I agree. Plus... I've dated three guys that I didn't meet through Tinder in the past few years. However, it turned out that all three of those guys did actually have a Tinder account. It has become so common over here, that I literally don't know one single person who isn't using one of the apps. And I don't think a guy I meet in bar would treat me differently than a guy who matches with me on Tinder. Plus... the older you get the harder it becomes to meet people IRL. The pool is getting smaller...

[schlumpy]

Lots of great advice from the other posters.

 

I would only add that you need to relax. You are trying to run this like it's a project that has to come in on time. It isn't and it doesn't. It's just meeting woman for casual dating. That's all you should expect. If it turns into something more - then great but you should not be looking upfront for a lifetime partner.

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't have a criteria for who you want to date but you are not giving yourself a chance. Talking online and face-to-face is a different process and there has to be some break-in time when you change modes.

[lokardy]

Lots of great advice from the other posters.

 

I would only add that you need to relax. You are trying to run this like it's a project that has to come in on time. It isn't and it doesn't. It's just meeting woman for casual dating. That's all you should expect. If it turns into something more - then great but you should not be looking upfront for a lifetime partner.

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't have a criteria for who you want to date but you are not giving yourself a chance. Talking online and face-to-face is a different process and there has to be some break-in time when you change modes.

 

what do you mean by break-in time?

[Twizzlestick]

32 and clock ticking? Time not on your side? Ahhh Take your head for a wobble . I’m 39 and that must mean I’m toast ha. Load of nonsense. This isn’t the 1950s.

 

News flash. It’s just one big merry go round. Most reles fail at some point it seems so folk find themselves single at all points and they meet. Stop with the catastrophizing and chill dude.

 

Oh, I’m far from an expert but I’d say never ask permission for things like calls, kissing etc. Too subservient. Maybe they can sense that when you meet. Be confident - polite. Also ditch the weeks of texting, I know a some girls like to do that and hold endless online screening interviews questions but just ask out early and get meeting, don’t go along with it.

[schlumpy]

what do you mean by break-in time?

 

I mean that some people will reveal themselves totally after just a couple of meetings where others take time to open up.

 

It's up to you to discern the difference and make a decision on whether it's worth the wait.

[Gaeta]

and being racially different isn't helping me either.

Race is an issue only if YOU make it one.

[lokardy]

Race is an issue only if YOU make it one.

In ideal world Yes but then it isn't.

There are so many stereo types and quite a lot of girls are always worried about introducing their boyfriend from other races to their friends fearing the judgement. supremacy of races is still real.

If you just go by qualifications, education, character and personality and beauty(I am 181 cm and athletic body) i would have met lot more people than 5.

At times i do believe that some among these 5 dropped out just due to these factors. Yeah, they met up everything went well then they started speaking

but then moment things started getting serious boom they are gone. I see only few reasons. One they had relationship issue which they hid and they wanted some form of security so i was backup. second they thought they were ok with other races but the moment things started getting serious they had second thoughts. Third they were genuine as well but we all know you hardly get to know actual reason.

 

As i said i am new to the game, from your replies it looks like what i am experiencing is normal is what i would like to believe

[boymommy]

In ideal world Yes but then it isn't.

There are so many stereo types and quite a lot of girls are always worried about introducing their boyfriend from other races to their friends fearing the judgement. supremacy of races is still real.

If you just go by qualifications, education, character and personality and beauty(I am 181 cm and athletic body) i would have met lot more people than 5.

At times i do believe that some among these 5 dropped out just due to these factors. Yeah, they met up everything went well then they started speaking

but then moment things started getting serious boom they are gone. I see only few reasons. One they had relationship issue which they hid and they wanted some form of security so i was backup. second they thought they were ok with other races but the moment things started getting serious they had second thoughts. Third they were genuine as well but we all know you hardly get to know actual reason.

 

As i said i am new to the game, from your replies it looks like what i am experiencing is normal is what i would like to believe

 

I agree with you that race can be an issue. I date within my own race but its more because of an attraction rather then any potential family stereotypes. I’m sure some women are like me and dont date outside their race, but lots of women aren’t like that also. I mean I think a lot of people have a specific idea of a “dealbreaker” (like they wont date a divorced person or someone with kids, ect) so I understand the narrowing of options but STILL even with that potential limitation there are sooo many people online! Up your game a little bit. Send more messages out! Even if you send 50 messages out and get two responses back, thats good! When I was online dating I got slammed with messages and only replied to men I was interested in. You have to just keep going! Don’t give up!

 

I disagree that these women were gone when things got serious. You only had one date! For whatever reason, it just wasnt the right fit. Stop trying to analyze the past and look to the future! Send more messages, keep going, dont give up! This is normal.

Edited August 22, 2019 by boymommy