Love2015 Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find someone who truly wants to make a life with me. I have been dating for a while now and all I find is poor quality men who for the most want sex. Today I got calls from two I had been with before and both offered FWB. Am I missing something? Do I not qualify as more? Both charming and I got along with yet they can only see me as fwb. Since my ex cheated and remade his life with her ... today they have a kid ...I went from knowing how to have a relationship to being the woman for just sex. I also don't want to wait so long for sex ...but I have no formula anymore. I just got off the phone with third possible date whom I have rejected any sexual pass from them....and today he confessed he is married with four kids. I am disgusted at thought of realizing he also only wanted sex. Luckily nothing happened between us. What am I doing wrong? I stopped online dating. Have decided I will not go online for a bit. One of the guys who came back after a year...it's very tempting to accept fwb situation but I feel it's because I think maybe he will fall for me in long run This kind of suc*$& cause I know better than to start something like this. I am losing hope of finding someone to share my life with. Will I die single? I wonder...
BaileyB Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 It’s hard not to feel that way after a while... I think taking a break from online dating for a while is a good idea. Live your life. Best wishes.
Lisa_Lisa Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 Perhaps you should tell yourself every morning, "men want a loving, committed and fulfilling relationship with me." Tell yourself that enough times and you start to believe it (it's already true, but make it a habit), and once you do this, men will come into your life looking for a loving, committed and fulfilling relationship with you. You will begin to act "as if" you already have that which you desire. Once you feel this way, your world will give exactly what you need, a man looking for a loving, committed and fulfilling relationship. And once you're in that relationship, tell yourself that your man loves you and only you and has no desire to step away from what you have. Ultimately, it's all about confidence in what you feel you deserve. So those men were only looking for sex, okay, kick them to the curb, there are other men in this world who will want your love, company, and partnership. Don't give up on yourself because once you do you will let your circumstances emotionally burden you. Remember, everyday in the mirror, "men want a loving, committed and fulfilling relationship with me." "I deserve love, men love me." These are just ideas, you can say what you want. Choose words that compliment and uplift you. It's so so easy to bring ourselves down, try the opposite, and bring yourself up.
boymommy Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 I had the exact same issue when I started dating again after my divorce. I found lots of guys (online) who wanted to bang me but didnt want a relationship. But they led me to believe in the beginning there was relationship potential which was very confusing! So I started having a “no sex rule” no matter what. I wouldnt talk about sex, have sex, appear to be sexual to any man I dated until I got the feeling it was headed in the direction of a relationship or one was being established. I looked for words (“I want a long term relationship”) plus action (no pressure to have sex, him telling friends/family/his kids about me, continuing to ask me on dates..you knows signs of progression). Then all that happened with my boyfriend. When I was confident his actions were matching his words, we slept together about a month after our first date. It was tough because we had so much chemistry. I also didnt do anything else sexual except kiss him. I didnt want any confusion or debates about the difference between oral vs intercourse. So my suggestion is dont put out! Yes its hard. Men may dump you but if they do they arent worth being with and only wanted to bang you anyway. If a guy really likes you he will stick around for more then sex and THATS the kind of guy you want anyway!
SumGuy Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 Like boymommy's response. I'm looking for long term, connection above all else. For me part of that is physical chemistry so if we can't have a passionate kiss on the second date I will wonder. I'm good with just a kiss though, and it is not a "just a kiss" it is intimacy. Waiting a month, two months is no problem, because what is thrilling me when I feel that connection isn't her body, it's her words and ideas, that sense of intimacy. Every second and penny spent with her is worth it just for the conversation. Of course when there is connection and chemistry it is very hard to wait, it can be fun if you both admit that and force yourselves to wait just a bit . The only "problem" with waiting when it is the right person is they could think you are not into them or have a different level of libido (i.e. much lower than theirs). If their is a true connection going on you should be able to talk to him about it. I really emphasize that because some women have really left me wondering, there uncertainty could have nothing to do with me, and what happens is I meet someone who doesn't have a hesitancy either to kiss or express herself. Don't let any guy "mansplain" you into sex, or make it some condition for compatibility, or make you feel like this is the way it is, FWB first then we'll see. That is all utter BS. At best they are insecure and inconsiderate. For a guy interested in long term that will never be the case. Connection is all those things you do outside of bed, a long term relationship is built on that as much or more so than sex. Intimacy derives from much more than just sex. Now you may have sex eventually and find an incompatibility, but if you are able to really connect otherwise that can likely be overcome. It doesn't work the other way, great sex doesn't make a guy (or women even) emotionally available.
Silver_star Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 I feel you. I have felt this way in the past and even now when I hesitate about getting back out there into the dating world, but I don't see it as a problem anymore because it really is HOW you look at things. Let the bad guys filter themselves out by setting your standards. It is GREAT to have standards. It may mean having less dates, but you won't settle for less than a quality man who also want's a connection. You have to go into dating knowing more about who you are, and what you want in a man that will add value to your life, and as that becomes more clear to you, he will be easier to see when you attract him to you. If you want the whole package, there is no reason you can't have that...what might show up first is the guy who has bits and pieces of what you want but is emotionally unavailable and just wants sex...it's your choice to take what he has to offer or say no thanks I am waiting for the guy who wants a relationship. That is a choice. Online dating is a sea of men. Most don't know what the hell they want anyways. Same with women. Don't take it personally. Am I mad that these men don't see my value and want something more? Nope. They can move along and create space for the right one. Just keep showing up as who you want to be in this world and the right men will see you and show up too. 1
Stinemoren Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 Single? I said yes. But forever single? naaah
kendahke Posted August 22, 2019 Posted August 22, 2019 Unfortunately, you have to stomp a lot of toads in the dating world... At least you didn't fall for the married guy--and you took time to find out pertinent information before getting seriously involved with him. That shows you're going in the right direction through this minefield. Dating is a lot like traversing a mine field--it gets old getting limbs blown off. Fortunately, one learns to develop discernment sooner rather than later.
Author Love2015 Posted September 1, 2019 Author Posted September 1, 2019 So dating headaches continue.... A man from the past came back. He wanted FWB. We had gone out for 7 months but I ended it as it was not progressing beyond FWB. Anyways, he wanted that and I indicated it I will see hem. One day couldn't go ..today got a msg saying he met someone and good luck to me. He indicated he won't be able to see me as he is very sexually attracted to me so cant just be friends. I dodged the bullet again cause seems he only wanted sex. Never saw him but this whole "transaction" concept is so messed up. It's like dating online has become a who can I f" for free tonight? Another one has seen me once and now off for their two week vacation. I did like him but not sure what should I expect while he is away. Giving up on online dating. Deleted all accounts.
MetallicHue Posted September 1, 2019 Posted September 1, 2019 I think meeting in real life is the way to go. Believe it or not there was a time only 25 years ago when it did not exist and people still got married and divorced just as much as today lol. Ah a time before social media the downfall of society (mostly). Sorry for the side rant but I really hope you find the right person. It may take a little longer but could be a lot more fruitful. Best of luck!
Scarlett.O'hara Posted September 1, 2019 Posted September 1, 2019 If you don't allow men to use you for a hook up, then you have already proved that you deserve better. You don't need some random guys on a dating app to dictate your worth, you do that. You cleanly have standards, but online dating is not the best way of meeting the best quality men. Some people strike it lucky occasionally, but the fact that anyone can use these apps means that you are going to find a lot of time wasters and people with different motives, including those already in relationships. As for your ex, not a great example to look up to. Their whole relationship was built on lies and betrayal. Child or not, they both know what the other is capable of doing. Who wants that hanging over a relationship? If you're aim is a quality relationship, don't lower your standards and accept the left overs. It won't lead to anything meaningful. Explore other options for meeting genuinely decent men. They are out there.
chillii Posted September 1, 2019 Posted September 1, 2019 (edited) Thank God , thought it was gonna be another guy moaning about how women hate him and how easy they have it for a second. Anyway yeah , you slept with him 7mths , l mean shyt , it should be showing all the right signs to get past 2wks let alone 7mths, if not get out of it. l'd also be thinking that with guys calling up out of the blue and even asking stuff like that there's a def' lack of respect easy lay thing goin on there. No way they should even be thinking they can just call her up with shyt like that . Edited September 1, 2019 by chillii
Foxhall Posted September 1, 2019 Posted September 1, 2019 what you are looking for seems perfectly normal, I've usually found if you want something enough you generally get what you are looking for although it may take longer than you expect, perhaps try the meet-up group scene rather than online dating, may be better prospects,
Maggiemay1 Posted September 1, 2019 Posted September 1, 2019 The two guys that asked for fwb’s , you slept with right or wrong? I fail to believe that random guys asked for fwb without prior interaction.
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