JEG88 Posted August 20, 2019 Posted August 20, 2019 So I’ve seen this woman for a few dates, and we’ve been sexting and flirting over text and in person quite a bit. She’s been playful about “getting me drunk and kidnapping me to her place for a fun time” next time we meet. I can’t quite tell how serious she actually is, but want to set a boundary before it’s too late. We’re nowhere near exclusive or anything, and I’m not comfortable having sex when there is no committed relationship. Second and maybe third base at most for me. Question is, how can I best explain my position given that we have been heavily flirting and touchy and all? I feel like now that I think about it, I may be leading her on with the sexting and kissing and touchy-ness, only to then come at her with the above thoughts.
basil67 Posted August 20, 2019 Posted August 20, 2019 What's stopping you from asking for exclusivity? It's not a marriage proposal. 1
BaileyB Posted August 20, 2019 Posted August 20, 2019 I would just be honest and tell her that you don’t have sex unless you are in a committed/exclusive relationship. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that - some may say, it’s a really smart thing to do. 4
salparadise Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 Tell you what... I'll hide out in your bedroom closet while you're getting her warmed up. Then when your finger is so tired you just can't stand it any longer, excuse yourself and make sure the lights are out. All you'll have to do is take the bows in the morning. You're welcome. 3
SumGuy Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 I'm not into one night stands (don't need to be), and don't want the headaches or complications that can come with that. So I tend to take care and only sleep with someone where I think there is a good chance this could be more. Never any guarantees though, yet that is what I am looking for. So I am pretty up front about this, looking for someone who is as sex crazed as I but for more than just one night (or once a night ), which for me also means we're exclusive when we are together. Have to admit I am kind of down with her banter, I would likely tease back you wouldn't have to get me drunk. That is if was in to her, was feeling like this could be something, I'd take that chance, but would have the exclusivity talk after, as in if I'm going to do this again, and again and again, it would need to be exclusive. If I wanted to delay it, I would do so in an encouraging manner, that let her know I was down for it but what about after? Not to lock her into anything, or presume anything, but if we both find it great I'll want to keep going and only like to keep going in exclusive relationships. I don't need to take it any way I can get it, bet she doesn't either. I want to get it with someone who feels the same way, who wants to take that magical mystical ride together, into the land of increasing ecstatic experience. I just like to understand we both see it that way before I am kidnapped. I'm probably not being very helpful, but do agree your heavy flirting, etc. had something to do with it. You do know most men would kill to have your problem. 2
preraph Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 Here's what I told a woman with basically the same type question in another thread: "If you are not looking to hookup on the first or second or whatever date -- then for God's sake, don't be going along with sexting or sending nudes or partial nudes (you should never do the latter anyway -- it's so stupid). I'm saying make sure your online habits match your IRL habits. You can't blame a guy for trying who you've been sending cleavage shots to or going along with him talking dirty to you in text. So don't be silly cows and then expect the men to be perfect gentlemen on that date! That's unreasonable. It's called teasing and it's childish and pathetic. You shouldn't need an ego boost that bad to advertise goods you can't deliver." Same applies to you. 5
Curiousroxy86 Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 Nothing wrong with that boundary and quite frankly you having those standards would probably have a woman wanting to bang you more lol. Next time a girl tries to talk freaky to you like that just be up front “That sounds tempting but I only have sex with a woman I am in an exclusive relationship with. But I look forward to getting to know you more and see where this goes” 1
basil67 Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 Preraph nailed it. If you're not going to do the deed, don't participate in the wind up. Keep your boundaries strong. 5
alphamale Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 If you're not going to do the deed, don't participate in the wind up. I would guess that the main audience for this is younger people
The Outlaw Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 If you feel like you maybe leading her on with the sexting, stop. Sit her down and explain how you feel about sex this early on. If she's cool about it, great. If she isn't, and you aren't comfortable with it, just move on. Stick to your values. Early sex isn't for everybody. 1
basil67 Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 I would guess that the main audience for this is younger people Nah. Anyone who's not going to do the deed for a while.
preraph Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 I have to say I have a pretty hard time understanding how someone could be down for an ongoing internet wank fest, but find logic in holding back on the real deal. I think somewhere along the line dating got confused with fantasy and sexting. A wankathon is no substitution for going out and having real life dates and sharing experiences with each other so that you get to know a person.
rightondude Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 If it were me and I wanted her like she wants you I'd quite frankly do her and let the chips fall where they may after determining if we're sexually compatible. But I'm old and don't have time to waste. But for you, I guess tell/reassure her you're into her just as much (do anything to make her know you're not rejecting the idea of sex) but you are in it for much more. Either she'll run off or be all about it, then you've got your answer of whether you're a boy toy or someone she's serious about. Good luck brother. 2
smackie9 Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 some people approach exclusivity differently. Some will date for weeks or a short time then ask for exclusivity before sex. Some will have sex by the second or third date and see where it goes. Sometimes the intention starts out as hooking up, but could become something if you really hit it off. And for some it's about sexual compatibility before committing to anything serious. I guess the only way to tell is to either, go out a lot more, and see if she's ok with it. Or you can just come out and tell her your dating expectations and find out hers. It's a dicey one because many woman are suspicious of a guy blowing smoke up their butt about waiting/becoming exclusive before sex. 1
boymommy Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 If you dont want anything sexual to happen then stop portraying yourself that way. Stop sexting, and commit to only kissing until you are ready for sex. If she says something about the change in behavior just say you arent ready for sex yet and didnt want to give the impression you were. 2
lurker74 Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 Interesting world we live in. We, as mammals, spend millions of years developing a very nuanced, audio and visual-based mode of communication and then completely effing ignore it and rely on the same crap we used when we had our knuckles in the dirt. In other words, just tell her. And be sincere. Last woman I told that I wasn't going to sleep with her on the second date made it her mission to bang me later, so it's not like I lost anything from communicating my thoughts and desires verbally (although I will admit that you only get to say no once as a man). 3
Author JEG88 Posted August 23, 2019 Author Posted August 23, 2019 So I ended up telling her last night when we had dinner. She was actually relieved and ended up agreeing that she wasn’t ready either. I felt her reaction was genuine as well, and it actually was a weight off our shoulders and made us more comfortable with each other. Less pressure for sure and let’s us focus on getting to know each other more. 3
boymommy Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 So I ended up telling her last night when we had dinner. She was actually relieved and ended up agreeing that she wasn’t ready either. I felt her reaction was genuine as well, and it actually was a weight off our shoulders and made us more comfortable with each other. Less pressure for sure and let’s us focus on getting to know each other more. Great job JEG! Happy it worked out!
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 So I ended up telling her last night when we had dinner. She was actually relieved and ended up agreeing that she wasn’t ready either. I felt her reaction was genuine as well, and it actually was a weight off our shoulders and made us more comfortable with each other. Less pressure for sure and let’s us focus on getting to know each other more. That's great!
Author JEG88 Posted August 23, 2019 Author Posted August 23, 2019 Great job JEG! Happy it worked out! That's great! Thanks! At least now I can stop over-thinking and see how things progress knowing she's on the same page.
preraph Posted October 18, 2019 Posted October 18, 2019 I'm curious. What is your idea of progress? What would she have to be like or do that would make you say, I'm going to ask this woman to be exclusive and then we'll have sex?
Redhead14 Posted October 18, 2019 Posted October 18, 2019 I'm not into one night stands Says just about everyone and then . . . they have a one-night stand
SumGuy Posted October 18, 2019 Posted October 18, 2019 Says just about everyone and then . . . they have a one-night stand Yes it can happen, it does take two to make it more than 1 night. There's a difference in avoiding them and they happen anyway in that rare moment where you thought it was right, versus it being ones modus operandi
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