preraph Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 You're not going to change his lifestyle. He likes it. He may outgrow it someday, but he also may not. You can't change him. He'll just sneak around on you, and that is a promise. You're not his mom. I suggest you don't stay with him because this is not going to work and he'll also end up bored with you and he'll also have a separate life than with you because you don't like what he does.
Author lovesfool Posted August 21, 2019 Author Posted August 21, 2019 You're not going to change his lifestyle. He likes it. He may outgrow it someday, but he also may not. You can't change him. He'll just sneak around on you, and that is a promise. You're not his mom. I suggest you don't stay with him because this is not going to work and he'll also end up bored with you and he'll also have a separate life than with you because you don't like what he does. Aren't you making a lot of assumptions? I'm not trying to defend him, but by the sounds of it you're saying that anyone who has taken drugs is a liar, will always get bored of dating and will always fail at relationships. That just sounds crazy! 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 Drug use is an absolute deal breaker for me. I have a friend who went from “trying cocaine” to multiple suicide attempts. While waiting to get into rehab, he required 24 hour supervision. His depression and his drug habit nearly bankrupted and killed him. Thankfully, he was able to go to rehab and he has been clean for three years now. Rehab was almost cost prohibitive, he attended only because family and friends came together to raise the money for a private treatment centre. And it was hard work. He would say, it’s still hard work - everyday. It’s not been an easy path. I def second this! Drugs destroy lives and I really think no one should even experiment w/them. To each their own, but my partner has to be clean of drugs.
boymommy Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 (edited) I don’t know if he’ll sneak around you, however you could just tell him your honest feelings about the drug use, tell him you arent trying to ask him to give anything up for you (because that may cause resentment anyway) but he was honest with you, so you want to give him the same respect. Then see what he says. If he says he is happy and likes doing drugs then you have your answer. If he is willing to give it all up for HIMSELF and he just needed the right motivation, then I would give him a chance. Whatever you do though, dont try to convince him to change his lifestyle to make the relationship or anything of that sort. Tell him how you feel and throw the ball in his court. Then walk away if he doesnt come through. I know what I am talking about, this is my job. 20% of people who experiment become addicted. The rate is actually lower then people think. Which means 80% of people who experiment dont become addicted! Edited August 21, 2019 by boymommy
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 I wouldn't continue dating him. The lifestyle difference surrounding the drug use would signal big incompatibilities for me, rendering a relationship an unwise investment.
crispytoast Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 Aren't you making a lot of assumptions? I'm not trying to defend him, but by the sounds of it you're saying that anyone who has taken drugs is a liar, will always get bored of dating and will always fail at relationships. That just sounds crazy! Yes, it does. On the contrary, people who have taken drugs tend to be more open minded and adventurous. But hey, people are going to believe what they want to believe. I def second this! Drugs destroy lives and I really think no one should even experiment w/them. To each their own' date=' but my partner has to be clean of drugs.[/quote'] Drugs destroy lives and no one should should take them... So say goodbye to a large majority of art, music, movies, and media, because I hate to break it to you but most of the people involved in those industries are on a lot of drugs. And none of them ever have successful, loving, or lasting relationships. 1
h0000 Posted August 22, 2019 Posted August 22, 2019 (edited) Yes, it does. On the contrary, people who have taken drugs tend to be more open minded and adventurous. But hey, people are going to believe what they want to believe. Pretty sure OP says the guy uses cocaine. Drugs destroy lives and no one should should take them... So say goodbye to a large majority of art, music, movies, and media, because I hate to break it to you but most of the people involved in those industries are on a lot of drugs. Agree, which brings me to your next conclusion: And none of them ever have successful, loving, or lasting relationships. more reason to not date them lol Anyway back to OP, I think a long loving relationship is hard, because it already has so many risks. infidelity, money, work, personality incompatibility etc etc, and now OP just needs to add more risks: drugs, and all the associated complications. Like, will it increase the risk he cheats when he's on drugs? If she wants though, she can take all the risks she wants and chase her love. I say good luck to her Edited August 22, 2019 by h0000
spiderowl Posted August 22, 2019 Posted August 22, 2019 (edited) He could be a very occasional drug user and that might not be a problem. He could be telling you he is because he uses a bit more than occasionally, but still does not count as an addict. He has introduced the idea of drugs use in a 'gentle' way. He is a rule breaker. How much of a rule breaker is something you will gradually find out. It can be a positive thing, but it can also have a down side. I don't know about your guy. Maybe you should just get to know him better before getting into anything more committed. I know you are falling for him but it would not be a good idea to move in with him or get tied up with in any practical way (materially and financially) until you know him better. I suppose I am cynical in that I remember meeting a charming guy on a railway station platform and got talking to him. He lived in a town near me and was on his way to London. We didn't exchange contact details or anything but he seemed really nice On another occasion, many miles away when I lived at the other end of the country further south in a house with a landlord and several others, this guy turned up to see the landlord. As you can imagine, I was stunned to see him again after last seeing him at a railway station! It turned out he was a friend of the landlord. The landlord and friends also used cannabis occasionally. I have nothing against cannabis but at the time it was illegal and some of the people involved in dealing with it were sometimes into heavier stuff. Most cannabis users I knew avoided those kinds of dealers so the occasional use by them did not bother me. Anyway, this guy also used and joined in with the landlord's friends. He went away again for a few months, then he came back from Africa one time and had brought some cannabis back with him for friends. I did see money change hands but then again everyone had to pay at that time. Another time, I bumped into him on a ferry when I was travelling to France. I don't know where he was going - Paris initially - but that was on his way elsewhere. He had seemed a nice guy but I was beginning to wonder a bit about him. We went for a meal and then, while in the queue, I saw him pocket a sandwich in the cafeteria and not pay for it. I was shocked. I talked to him later (not about that) and got the impression this was how he did things. Yes, the charming guy was probably a drug dealer as well as a thief. Had I not bumped into him on several different occasions under different circumstances, I would probably still be thinking the best of him. That's a true story - make of it what you will. Edited August 22, 2019 by spiderowl
frus69 Posted August 22, 2019 Posted August 22, 2019 I want to ask you OP, were you ever around him when he was high? Reason Im asking is because I cant imagine you'd enjoy his company when he's on drugs. I used to date a guy who only does pot, and whenever he's high I felt like he's a useless loser. Same happens when Im around people who are drunk. I just feel they are stupid and loud. And Im not going to get high or drunk just so I can enjoy them
crispytoast Posted August 22, 2019 Posted August 22, 2019 more reason to not date them lol It might have been sarcasm
Watercolors Posted August 22, 2019 Posted August 22, 2019 (edited) I've seen enough Dr. Phil and Oprah episodes about these types of relationships -- where one person's the drug user and the other person's straight laced. Doesn't usually end well for the couple. If you don't agree with this guy's lifestyle then you should break it off and seek out a straight laced guy...they're out there somewhere. From the "occasional" drug user's perspective...https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/xdm8mq/we-talked-to-people-about-how-drug-use-affected-their-relationships Edited August 22, 2019 by Watercolors
schlumpy Posted August 22, 2019 Posted August 22, 2019 Bad judgement on his part to pop pills at a festival. Who knows what's in them but it's the time of life where you take chances and you are invulnerable - until you are not. I've been there. If it's experimental curiosity there's not much to fear unless he gets into addictive drugs which will take his choices and willpower away. I had recent experience with Ketamine. 3 years ago I had surgery and they used it during anesthesia. I woke up in recovery not only believing but seeing that I was in an Alien Ice Base and all the straw-headed flat-faced aliens around me were out to do me in. I had 3 nights of very vivid technicolor dreams where in one - I was speaking with God. I would not want to repeat it but I did come away with some insight. I now know what it's like to be mentally ill. I know what it's like for someone to hand me what they say is an apple and I see it as a banana. That's a huge bridge to cross. There is danger here and you should be wary.
Author lovesfool Posted August 22, 2019 Author Posted August 22, 2019 I want to ask you OP, were you ever around him when he was high? Reason Im asking is because I cant imagine you'd enjoy his company when he's on drugs. I used to date a guy who only does pot, and whenever he's high I felt like he's a useless loser. Same happens when Im around people who are drunk. I just feel they are stupid and loud. And Im not going to get high or drunk just so I can enjoy them I've never been around him when high, but only when he had some alcohol in him. Nothing out of the ordinary that I noticed. Maybe he's always high, I don't know! He could have easily not said anything about it to me and I would have been none the wiser. I'm sure there are many relationships where the guy/girl has a dark secret such as taking the occasional drug. The problem is that I now know about it! A previous poster suggested to lay my cards on the table and tell him how I feel about it and not to be judgemental. I wouldn't expect him to change who he is, or to give up taking drugs for me, but I think from gauging his reaction I would be in a better position to judge instead of dumping him without explanation.
frus69 Posted August 22, 2019 Posted August 22, 2019 I'm sure there are many relationships where the guy/girl has a dark secret such as taking the occasional drug. hmm I honestly dont think so. I have never been with anyone who has a dark secret. I dont want to either thank you lol I hate dramas. All guys I dated (expect for one) dont even smoke weed , not to mention other drugs. It's all about which social circle you want to go in. And age too. The weed guy was 22. Now am 29 and no guys around me do drugs anymore. You gotta grow past it. You said you have never been around him when he's on drugs, I encourage you to experience it, not when he's drinking or smoking weed, but when he is on ecstasy, cocaine and ketamine (not the drug, just hang) and save all the mental gymnastic here.. You will probably have an answer right there and then.
SumGuy Posted August 23, 2019 Posted August 23, 2019 ... A previous poster suggested to lay my cards on the table and tell him how I feel about it and not to be judgemental. I wouldn't expect him to change who he is, or to give up taking drugs for me, but I think from gauging his reaction I would be in a better position to judge instead of dumping him without explanation. I think that is a great idea. I'd suspect he told you because he didn't want this to become an issue between the two of you later. Wouldn't be surprised if it had happened to him before, because as this thread shows you many consider it a deal breaker period. If he is fun like you say I'd suspect he'll take it in stride even if saddened; he'll be able to find someone who he is more compatible with as well as you'd I suspect. 1
OatsAndHall Posted August 24, 2019 Posted August 24, 2019 I won't get into the discussion about "casual" versus "addict" as that's subjective. But, I'm a straight laced guy in an even straighter-laced profession and I wouldn't date someone who used drugs, casually or otherwise. I dated a gal who enjoyed a little weed here and there and I didn't take personal offense to it, at all. BUT, I did have to tell her that she was going to have to partake in that on her own as I could lose my teaching license if she had it in my car or in my place (weed isn't legal in this state). All and all, I'm not terribly comfortable with drug or heavy alcohol use as is. Don't get me wrong, I had plenty of fun experimenting and partying in my youth but those days are long gone. The gal that I described above showed up to my house for dinner/Netflix dates stoned a few times and she was a different person when she was a bit baked. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing as she was more calm and relaxed but it was hard to get used to the difference between her stoned personality and her sober one. I'm a bit spooky when dating women who enjoy their booze. One woman I dated would have a few glasses of wine or beer while we were relaxing and that was generally fine. But, she went a little overboard one night with a bottle of Merlot and it became an exceptionally uncomfortable evening for me. She was drunk, I was sober and she said and did some things that put me on edge.
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