lovesfool Posted August 20, 2019 Posted August 20, 2019 I started dating a guy recently (only for the past 3 weeks) and am finding myself falling for him. This is very unusual for me because I don't have much luck on the dating scene and very rarely click with a guy. He's smart, funny, caring and I could talk to him for hours on end. He also has a roguish side to him. I'm very straight laced and follow the rules, but he seems to be more relaxed in life and enjoys himself. In a way this is refreshing as it seems to balance my personality out, but never thought I'd be interested in a guy like this, but here I am! Because of his care free attitude, on one date he told me that he was at a music festival recently and tried a number of drugs including ecstasy, cocaine and ketamine. When he told me this I was speechless. I have never touched a drug and for him to be so open and casual about it caught me by surprise. He also mentioned that he was at a party months ago where he was doing cocaine. He said he never buys drugs, but would only take some when offered by a friend at a party etc. I know that ultimately it is for me to decide whether I should continue dating him or not, but I also know that for many this is a red flag and an instant dump. But because I have never taken drugs, nor have I any friends who have done it, I really know nothing about it. Can anyone give some advice on what I should expect, or what your experience has been? Is there such a thing as a casual drug user? What are the risks in dating someone who takes occasional drugs? I would really appreciate an objective view from those who have experienced drug use, either personally or through a friend / partner. Thank you.
BaileyB Posted August 20, 2019 Posted August 20, 2019 (edited) Drug use is an absolute deal breaker for me. I have a friend who went from “trying cocaine” to multiple suicide attempts. While waiting to get into rehab, he required 24 hour supervision. His depression and his drug habit nearly bankrupted and killed him. Thankfully, he was able to go to rehab and he has been clean for three years now. Rehab was almost cost prohibitive, he attended only because family and friends came together to raise the money for a private treatment centre. And it was hard work. He would say, it’s still hard work - everyday. It’s not been an easy path. Edited August 20, 2019 by BaileyB
amaysngrace Posted August 20, 2019 Posted August 20, 2019 I’m a big party person but nowadays everything has fentanyl slipped into it so I wouldn’t touch any of it with a ten foot pole. Except ketamine. I only do that under highly monitored medical supervision though. 2
BaileyB Posted August 20, 2019 Posted August 20, 2019 Oh yeah, you be bad pill and it’s game over. That has changed the ball game...
Rayce Posted August 20, 2019 Posted August 20, 2019 Yeah bad stuff... I knew someone that died from half a pill of fentanyl just last year.
The Outlaw Posted August 20, 2019 Posted August 20, 2019 If it makes you uncomfortable, it's best to end it. He may experiment here and there, but there's always temptation. My older sister started small when she wasn't even legally an adult and it just got worse from there.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 20, 2019 Posted August 20, 2019 Anything aside from occasional pot use would be a deal-breaker for me, no exceptions. 2
h0000 Posted August 20, 2019 Posted August 20, 2019 There is always a chance sh*t can happen when he takes drugs, recreational or not. Just depends if you want to take the risk. 1
SumGuy Posted August 20, 2019 Posted August 20, 2019 ...Is there such a thing as a casual drug user? Yes. What are the risks in dating someone who takes occasional drugs? The risk is that it is not really casual. This goes especially for alcohol. Perhaps because it is legal, readily available and a social lubricant, but the most problems I have seen among adult successful professionals is developing an alcohol problem. I would really appreciate an objective view from those who have experienced drug use, either personally or through a friend / partner. Thank you. Yes my statements are from knowing people. In the 80's saw a lot of cocaine use among smart accomplished people. About 2 in 5 seemed to have no problem, one even used it to work more hours in a highly controlled fashion, not party. The other 3 in 5 after a time realized they were getting hooked, doing it more often, doing more, craving it, so they stopped with help from their friends. Luckily none of them destroyed their lives. Maybe because they had goals and dreams about making the world a better place and they were addicted to that. I say that because of those I heard who ruined their lives, never knew them, met one once total douche, were the classic money, money, money guys. Like right out of a movie. Alas I can't speak from personal use. I never had an interest in cocaine maybe because I have bad reactions to lidocaine at the dentist so there was no way going to mess with cocaine. The reaction was so unpleasant I had my teeth filled back then with no anesthetic. Different drugs have different addiction potential. I don't know anything about ketamine use except the new medical use. About ecstasy never heard of a physical addiction problem. Not that I am an expert but saw plenty of use of it and never heard people say they craved it. The reason for use is a big one with drugs, if for self medication, to avoid life's pain, in my experience it is likely to lead to addiction problems. How it is used is a big one, every intravenous drug user I ever heard of or met had a serious problem. Will say have never met or heard of anyone who could casually use opiods. Even those who had no desire to get high off of them, rather they just got them prescribed for pain, would get addicted to one degree or another. In the end it's your choice what your comfortable with even if it isn't a problem for him.
SumGuy Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 I’m a big party person but nowadays everything has fentanyl slipped into it so I wouldn’t touch any of it with a ten foot pole. .... Oops. forgot about that. No white powders used to be a saying, maybe even more applicable these days. Perhaps you can tell my experience is a bit dated. Of all those I still know who did such things, that was the past, they stopped doing that stuff in their late 30s early 40s. Now alcohol, is another matter. Those I know who developed an alcohol problem developed it in their late 40s early 50s. That was definitively seeking self medication from work, marriage, etc. But that is the classic 1950's thing isn't it, a drink after work.
preraph Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 I came from a party culture. Most of them were casual drug users, but some of them were serious. If you don't do any of that, I don't know why you'd want to be around people who did. Here's the thing. A LOT of people can do casual recreational drug use of only certain drugs (more later). But the problem is when someone starts doing them, it is a total crap shoot whether they have an addictive personality or not. Some people will get dependent on anything they do and will find something to get dependent on no matter what. And some people are lucky like me and just aren't addicts. I would do something and then get bored and stop. I started early and was bored with all of it early. But if you're an addict and it's in your chemistry, then drugs of just about any type and alcohol will become a problem. Ketamine is not in my realm of knowlege. The rest of it wasn't too bad -- except, like Amazyn Grace said, nowadays there's all kinds of poison crap put in any manufactured type drug -- so in a sense, it's ALL dangerous. Fentanyl, for example, just coming into contact with it has killed a bunch of people and a couple of police K9s. It's lethal. And it's everywhere. On cocaine, if it's crack, it's BAD. If it's sniffing coke, it is bad if you're an addict and can be dangerous and you can OD on it if you do a lot (or if it's cut with some poison). So crack cocaine is different than old fashioned cocaine. The deeply addictive drugs that anybody can and will get addicted to and really mess you up (even a recreational user) are heroin, crack and meth. So if he is doing any of that, dump him. And find out if he's ever used needles to shoot it up. If so, dump him. You mostly only shoot up the hard drugs. 1
SumGuy Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 My experience goes along with everything preraph said. 1
JEG88 Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 Stick to your values, especially on something like this. Your values will always follow you and guide you, this guy - in my opinion - will lead you astray. I realize that sounds religious, but I mean it more so in terms of you giving up your core values for something that is new and exciting. Do you like this guy enough to forgo your value on this?
crispytoast Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 Lol some of the responses in here crack me up. Drugs are bad, mkay. Sounds like your new guy likes to have a good time. It doesn't have to be some crazy big deal, but if you can't deal with it, then find someone else. Don't get invested in him thinking that you can change him down the road because that's a really lame thing to do. Honestly you might learn a thing or two from dabbling yourself. 1
h0000 Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 Lol some of the responses in here crack me up. Drugs are bad, mkay. well it would be ridiculous to say drugs are good. Sure some people have had some drugs and never got bad consequences, but there are also many people whose lives are ruined by drugs, so understandably they say drugs ARE bad
crispytoast Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 Drugs are tools, they are as good or bad as you use them. There are lots of people who die in car accidents. We don't say cars are bad, we say drive safely. There are many people who mess up their lives by having affairs, getting pregnant, getting permanent STDs. We don't say sex is bad. We say make good decisions about sex.
Maggiemay1 Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 He is telling you he is an occasional user so that in time you can’t give him **** for using whenever. However, whatever!! Because he told you from the get go!! As someone that has never used you probably are unaware that his funny self is because he was on something!? Are there casual users ? Yes. Are there people that lie about their use , yes , even moreso! Do NOT get involved with him. It’s against your morals. And trust me nothing good will come of it! 1
h0000 Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 Drugs are tools, they are as good or bad as you use them. . If they are tools, why do you think they are illegal?
stillafool Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 You need to dump him now for your own sanity. He told you about his drug use so you won't be surprised when you see him doing drugs while he's with you. Very few people just do a little bit of coke when partying. Please do not let him convince you to try any of those drugs.
amaysngrace Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 Drug traffickers lace coke with fentanyl too. I’ve been to a couple parties recently where it’s been present and it just makes me sad to see the people I care about using. 1
Twizzlestick Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 Wow. That’s quite a shopping list he’s tried recently. I wouldn’t continue myself. I mean I’m sure theres the odd “happy ever afters” with drug use where the person stops after a year or two once they get into a rele. But where there’s smoke there’s fire and there’s a hell of a lot of track record where drug use never ends too great long term on personal lives in various manners. Kind of hard to ignore that empirical risk. The dice is loaded on that one before you start a rele. It’s making you uncomfortable (as it would me) and even if he said he’d stopped there’d always be that doubt.
boymommy Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 I am a drug and alcohol counselor. There are people who can recreationally use drugs and never get seriously hooked. There are others who recreationally use for a long time then get hooked if life presents them with a stressful situation. A lot of it is the nature vs nurture argument. Props to him for being honest. He could have just not told you at all! Anyway, I think the risks are, can he “just be a recreational user” and hiw is that going to potentially affect you? I personally would not pursue anything with someone uses illicit drugs even occasionally, given both my opinion on drug use and my job. Its just basic compatibility. 1
crispytoast Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 If they are tools, why do you think they are illegal? Money and control. The war on drugs has been a huge source of global unrest since its conception. But I'll get to that in a minute. On the subject of tools, cannabis is being legalized nationwide. By the end of the 2020s, we will see sane policy on cannabis. It has been proven to be an effective treatment for countless diseases and disorders. MDMA (which is ecstasy), ketamine, and psilocybin (magic mushrooms) are on their way to decriminalization as well as they are effective in the treatment of PTSD, depression, and other psychiatric disorders (MDMA and autism, for example). Psilocybin mushrooms were just decriminalized in Colorado and in the last few years were proven to actually create new neural pathways in the brain. Also, psychedelics have played a role in scientific discoveries and technological development for as far back as human history goes. However, on a modern scale: Francis Crick discovered the structure of DNA while under the influence of LSD. Steve Jobs used to eat acid when he was stumped by aspects of computer or software development. A huge portion of Silicon Valley and Wall Street use psychedelic drugs on a regular basis, look into microdosing. Cannabis was banned in the early 1920s because it was threatening the alcohol, tobacco, and paper industries. Lobbyists pushed a narrative that people of color were using weed to turn white women into wild interracial sex addicts. And it worked. Reefer madness. It was almost decriminalized in the 60s but then the war on drugs started. Most other drugs weren't banned until the late 60s. The Nixon administration started the war on drugs so they could disrupt the Civil Rights movement and the movement against the Vietnam War. Straight out of the mouth of John Ehrlichman, Nixon's chief of domestic policy: "You understand what I'm saying? We knew we couldn't make it illegal to be either against the war or black, but by getting the public to associate the hippies with marijuana and blacks with heroin. And then criminalizing both heavily, we could disrupt those communities. We could arrest their leaders. raid their homes, break up their meetings, and vilify them night after night on the evening news. Did we know we were lying about the drugs? Of course we did." Since then, the anti-drug narrative has been used as a method of control not just in the United States but all over the world. The US government has used drugs as a reason to invade countries and take down foreign governments for decades. To take over coca fields in South America. To take over poppy fields in the Middle East (of course oil played an enormous factor too). The illicit cocaine industry is a huge source of funding for shadow operations that cant be funded on paper by the federal government. The legal opiate industry is a huge source of income for the federal government on paper. America is the largest consumer of pharmaceutical and recreational drugs in the world, do you really think our government isn't capitalizing on this? That's capitalism baby. Why do you think cannabis legalization is sweeping the nation? The government is tired of the counterculture holding money and power and is realizing they can't win the war of drugs in an age of information. And speaking of capitalizing on the war on drugs, what's really messed up is that the same people who continue to push the war on drugs and push drugs on the American public also have a huge investment in both the drug rehabilitation industry and the private prison industry. The idea is to get people hooked on drugs and then profit off of them via rehab, and if they don't have money, throw them in jail to be part of what is essentially modern slavery. This is not a conspiracy, this is the truth about the war on drugs. I've studied this at university, I've written papers on the impact of the war in drugs on a global scale, along with the history of drug use in the development of human society. It does not take a lot of digging to know the truth. Props if you read all of this, you get a golden crispy piece of toast. 2
crispytoast Posted August 21, 2019 Posted August 21, 2019 By the way, as someone who has done over a decade of research on substances and did a fair amount of experimentation in my early 20s, I wouldn't date someone who is into cocaine, I put it up there on the do not touch list with amphetamines and opiates. It's a horrible drug and the people who are into it tend to possess an astute lack of empathy. Of course there is a difference between doing it occasionally when it's offered to you and being into it. But if a woman I was into did cocaine on outtings with our friends, I would gently encourage her to make better decisions about her drug use, and if she kept doing it, I would find somebody else. Like I said, not all drugs are created equal.
Author lovesfool Posted August 21, 2019 Author Posted August 21, 2019 Thanks for all your replies. Very helpful. The consensus seems to be not to date him at all, am I right? If that's the case, do you ever give previous drug users a chance, or once a drug user, always a drug user? Is it even worth discussing it with him saying that it is off putting? On the one hand he might consider what he's doing and avoid doing it to help develop a serious relationship. On the other hand, he might see this as a reason to hide it from me in the future and continue to take drugs. I don't believe he is a heavy drug user at all, but that's just my impression of him as he seems to be a very well functioning adult. I know some people can hide their addictions, but the fact that he was so open about it leads me to believe otherwise.
Recommended Posts